There is a peace that comes with knowing that, despite the poor odds, confusing opinions, veiled motives, and overwhelming amounts of information, I made the right decision. However, at times, the frustration that precedes that peace is almost unbearable. Right now, I'm in that unstable, wishy-washy, post-frustration, pre-peace stage. I think it's worse than the frustration itself.
I think we've decided to stay in Dallas. Don't count on it though. Not just yet. Until that peace comes, there's no guarantee that we won't change our minds in the next five minutes. Jess is an emotional roller coaster right now. I'm not all that steady myself either, considering the magnitude of the decision.
And my ability to think clearly is clouded by the fact that I seem to be having sympathy emotions for Jess, lately. It's an odd feeling to be one of the most logical and rational people I know, and then to be injected with all of these crazy, irrational and unsteady thoughts and feelings. Thankfully, if I try really hard, I can usually sort out which are which.
There are far too many factors involved for me to list out for you all the reasons I have for moving, and all of the reasons I have for staying. Most of those factors offered only small amounts of influence on our choices by themselves, but made a large impact collectively.
Of course, one of the biggest reasons to stay in Dallas is to be near my immediate family. I spend more time with them — on the phone, at each others houses, outside of the house — than I do all of my other friends combined. I consider myself very lucky to have a family that is so kind, caring, generous, and considerate, and also the kind of people that Jess and I enjoy spending our time with.
Jess and I have a nice handful of friends in Dallas as well, and moving would mean we'd miss them terribly. Of course, we don't see most of them as often as we'd like. Some of them we only see if we are doing them a favor, or if we insist on getting together and are willing to travel to them. Others have just gotten so busy with their own lives that we can't find a place to squeeze ourselves in. And others have schedules that happen to be the exact opposite of ours, ensuring that the free time we have almost never matches up. This makes me really sad. It makes me wonder if I'm a failure at making and keeping friends, or if it's just a very unfortunate coincidence.
Of course, one of the most compelling reasons to leave Dallas is because I can't see myself living there for the rest of my life. I could go on and on about the things that I dislike about it. Most of them have to do with the weather, outdoor activities, the lifestyle of the average Dallasite, and the political culture that surrounds the area.
It's important to note, however, that none of the reasons to leave Dallas have anything to do with cost of living, availability of jobs, flexibility of atmosphere, or lack of things to do. Actually, outside of the fact that Dallas is a big smeared dot in the middle of a huge expanse of nothingness, settled down deep in the hot, sticky, humid portion of America that probably should have never been settled, it's a great place to live. It has everything you could ever want around every corner. Maybe that's why I dislike it so much; because it has everything, and, therefore, seemingly has very little that is interesting, special, or unique. Then again, I could just be telling myself that simply because I really hate Dallas.
If I set aside my desire for cooler climates, more mountains, rivers, lakes, and streams, and fewer ticks and chiggers, then Dallas is just a place like any other place. If I decide that being very near my immediate family and friends in more important than being closer to the rest of our families, then Dallas is ideally located since they all happen to be right here. And, if I realize that the culture and political views of the majority of people around me doesn't have to dictate who I am, what I'm capable of, and who I spend my time with, then Dallas is a wonderful place to live.
If only those things.
