revjim.net

July 11th, 2007:

Welcome to Sunny Belarus

… errr Syracuse.

Yesterday’s high was 92 with a dew point of 68. I leave Texas and land in a Syracusian heat wave. To make matters worse, the air conditioning control panel in my hotel room doesn’t have a label on it so I can’t tell which button does what to ensure that I’ve got the thing set to turn my room into a walk-in freezer. Thankfully, today is much more appropriate. A high of 74 and thunderstorms. Much more livable.

Work yesterday was interesting. I met a few new people from a few other groups, both of them excellent resources for my current role as well as advancement in the future. There’s a lot of office politics being battled out here right now. And thanks to some accidental information from one of the new people I met, there is some political stuff going on in my own team back in Texas as well that I didn’t know about before now. Not good things but, not anything I can change either. All I can do is be prepared for the worst and ready to take any opportunity that might arise because of it.

After work I went out to dinner with two friends from the office and drank a little more than I should have. Though I’m not sure how the two are related, this left me going to bed about 2 hours earlier than I normally would, and, even then, only after laying around watching whatever happened to be on TV for an hour which is something I never do. It was fun anyway and I think I needed the rest because I feel pretty good this morning.

Tonight I’m taking a trip to a little pond I saw on my way to Rochester two weeks ago. It looks pretty and I saw several beaver lodges there. Hopefully, I’ll be able to find it. As long as it rains or remains overcast this afternoon, I should be able to leave early enough to try to find it in the daylight.

a limiting fear

Either a fear of failure or a fear of rejection (are they one in the same) has been keeping me from doing the things I enjoy, sharing the things I love, and finishing the things I believe in.

I can’t recall a single event that would install such a fear in me, but, with the time for personal analysis I have here, alone in Syracuse, I’m certain that it’s true. Perhaps it the collective build up of years and years of smaller failures and rejections that ended with bad results that have all added up to this fear.

It needs to be fought. It’s turning me into man that I cannot be proud of; a person I don’t want to be. The problem is, I really have no idea how to fight it. The only thing I can do is guess. So, in my not too distant future, some combination of heightened self-promotion, less give-a-damn, greater independence, less concern for feedback, increased solitude, and a loyal devotion to those who do offer friendship, feedback, and assistance is on the way. Getting the exact recipe will be trial and error, at best.

You can look at this as an advanced apology, a proclamation of the future, or a plead for help in the present. Whichever you’d prefer.