Either a fear of failure or a fear of rejection (are they one in the same) has been keeping me from doing the things I enjoy, sharing the things I love, and finishing the things I believe in.
I can’t recall a single event that would install such a fear in me, but, with the time for personal analysis I have here, alone in Syracuse, I’m certain that it’s true. Perhaps it the collective build up of years and years of smaller failures and rejections that ended with bad results that have all added up to this fear.
It needs to be fought. It’s turning me into man that I cannot be proud of; a person I don’t want to be. The problem is, I really have no idea how to fight it. The only thing I can do is guess. So, in my not too distant future, some combination of heightened self-promotion, less give-a-damn, greater independence, less concern for feedback, increased solitude, and a loyal devotion to those who do offer friendship, feedback, and assistance is on the way. Getting the exact recipe will be trial and error, at best.
You can look at this as an advanced apology, a proclamation of the future, or a plead for help in the present. Whichever you’d prefer.