revjim.net

July, 2007:

This Much I Know Is True

I finished “This Much I Know Is True” by Wally Lamb as my second flight of the day last Friday was sitting on the runway waiting to depart. Just as I finished the last few words I realized that this book was about me. 

It had been so easy to let anger and frustration in their many forms of expression steal away some of the most amazing people and moments of my life that I had been doing exactly that for as long as I could remember – far back into the very earliest years in my mind. That realization, and the my own understanding that I didn’t want to lose any more snapped inside of me. The mourning of the loss of so many years and all the people I’d hurt and all the moments I’d ruined and all the pain I’d kept inside mixed in my head and chest with the newness that comes with the promise of happiness.

Just then we started to move. A little girl from the back of the plane shouted out “HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOO!”, bringing it all together and a smile to my face simultaneously. Then, at long last, we left. I’ve missed so much. But it’s never too late to try again.

I left the little notebook that I keep all of my mental ramblings in when the mood strikes me on that flight. I’m pretty sure it was that flight, anyway. I’m trying not to let that get to me.

Another Jet-Lagged Survey…

… JET-Lagged! Get it!? JET-Lagged! Cause Jet writes the surveys but LAGS behind in completing them herself.  JET-Lagged! Hahahaha. Sorry. Yeah. It’s that kind of day.

Ok, here goes.

1) Name two factors that majorly influenced your childhood.
Living in Inland California and moving to Texas in the middle of my Sophomore year

2) What is the most recent thing that has surprised or shocked you?
The realization that I am living almost entirely for others and very little for myself.

3) What makes you feel like a kid again?
Snow Cones and The Ice Cream Man. “Ice Cream Man! Mom! Give me a MONEY!

4) If you could design something of your own creation with complete access to everything you need at no cost, what would you create?
A photography book exploring various people (famous and not-so-famous) as they progress through regular aspects of daily life (i.e. getting ready in the morning, making dinner, showering, getting ready for bed, working, etc) in extraordinary or interesting ways.

5) Do you have brand loyalty (otherwise known as a Lovemark)? If so, to whom are you loyal?
Only in situations where I’ve been locked in by a brand for compatibilities sake.

6) Name an unusual pet peeve you have.
People eating even remotely messy food while driving a car.

7) What was the last thoughtful thing that you did for someone else?
I called my mom on the way to work this morning, does that count? I drove to Denton and back on Saturday to pick up a friend for a photo session that we’d both been wanting to do.

8) Growing up, you were known as the kid who ___ .
Early On: knew everything. Later: always had a girlfriend. Later Still: was screwed up thanks to his girlfriend.

9) What is your most notable trait?
Perseverance.

10) Do you enjoy getting dressed up? Why or why not?
Yes! Aside from when I go hiking or do something that going to cause me to get dirty and sweaty, I prefer to look nice. I really don’t know why, I just like looking nice. Of course a lack of time and funds doesn’t always let that happen. But I do as often as I can. And, from time to time, I think it’s really fun to get really dressed up and go out, even though I don’t really have anyone who wants to get dressed up and go out with me. :) 

Beaver Lake!

With a name like Beaver Lake Nature Center (complete with Observation Deck) I was sure it would hold enough beavers that I might actually see and photograph one. As a testament to that, on the way there I saw no less than three beavers on the side of the highway, taking in the last few rays of the sun as it went down.

The place closes at 9:00pm, so I got there right about 8 and got out the water as quickly as I can. It’s an absolutely beautiful park filled with lots of nice, short trails, beautiful scenery, and all kinds of wildlife. I heard sounds I didn’t even recognize while walking in the woods. I have a feeling I’ll be spending a lot of quiet hours in that park if we move here.

I stayed as long as I possibly could (8:43pm to be precise) and then booked it out of there making back to the front gate with only two minutes to spare. Alas, I saw no beavers. I was too hurried, I think. I need to know where the best spot is and then I just need to sit and wait. I, on the other hand, was too busy checking out the trails trying to find the best spot that, by the time I got there, I only had a few minutes left to stand and wait. Regardless, I got some beautiful photographs.

I’m thinking about going back again this morning before I head back to Dallas. My flight leaves at 12pm, which, realistically, means I need to be there at about 11am but, to be safe, I’d aim for 10am. It takes a half hour to get to the airport from there and the place opens at 7:30am. That’d give me roughly two hours starting about two hours after sunrise. All in all, not terrible. I guess we’ll see how quickly I can get ready this morning.

If it wasn’t for my wife and my friends back home, I’d be much happier just staying here for the weekend.

the mystery of the sliced pizza

I am more observant and am able to communicate more effectively than most people. I’ve always been this way. I don’t mean to brag or anything, it’s just that I’m better than most people. Probably even you. Here’s a recent example:

Monday evening I landed at Syracuse International Airport to find that the place I had rented my car from was having some trouble and there would be a one hour delay to me getting a car. Nursing a sick stomach from a very bumpy ride and with nothing better to do I opted to find something to eat. At Syracuse International Airport you have two options: a sandwich, or pizza. I went for pizza.

As I stood in line to pay behind a man and, I presume, his wife, I heard him arguing with the cashier over the price of his meal. I continued to text message feverishly not even bothering to look up from my phone. As they continued to argue I decided that if I didn’t interject I may never eat, so I surveyed the situation.

In front of the man was a beer, a fountain drink, and two plates with pizza on them. The cashier was asking for $14 and change. The man was insisting this was too much. The cashier was going over the price of each item: $3-something for pizza, $4-something for the beer, $2-something for the fountain drink. The man insisted that his total should be $10-something.

I’ll spare you the suspense. I noticed immediately that the man’s pizza was actually one slice cut in half on two plates. The man knew that but, obviously, the cashier didn’t.

I interrupted the two of them: “How many slices did you charge him for?” Her eyes slowly rolled around the top of her head landing on me with a look that said, “who the FUCK are you and why the FUCK are you talking to me?”. Either she grew tired of speaking with her customer or my stare persuaded her to do so, because after a few beats she decided to answer me.

“Two.”

I broke eye contact and continued text messaging, pointing to the man’s pizza with my PDA stylus, “That’s just one slice cut in half.”

“Yes it is. One very COLD slice of pizza,” said the man, aggravated and angling for a bargain.

Crisis averted.

Welcome to Sunny Belarus

… errr Syracuse.

Yesterday’s high was 92 with a dew point of 68. I leave Texas and land in a Syracusian heat wave. To make matters worse, the air conditioning control panel in my hotel room doesn’t have a label on it so I can’t tell which button does what to ensure that I’ve got the thing set to turn my room into a walk-in freezer. Thankfully, today is much more appropriate. A high of 74 and thunderstorms. Much more livable.

Work yesterday was interesting. I met a few new people from a few other groups, both of them excellent resources for my current role as well as advancement in the future. There’s a lot of office politics being battled out here right now. And thanks to some accidental information from one of the new people I met, there is some political stuff going on in my own team back in Texas as well that I didn’t know about before now. Not good things but, not anything I can change either. All I can do is be prepared for the worst and ready to take any opportunity that might arise because of it.

After work I went out to dinner with two friends from the office and drank a little more than I should have. Though I’m not sure how the two are related, this left me going to bed about 2 hours earlier than I normally would, and, even then, only after laying around watching whatever happened to be on TV for an hour which is something I never do. It was fun anyway and I think I needed the rest because I feel pretty good this morning.

Tonight I’m taking a trip to a little pond I saw on my way to Rochester two weeks ago. It looks pretty and I saw several beaver lodges there. Hopefully, I’ll be able to find it. As long as it rains or remains overcast this afternoon, I should be able to leave early enough to try to find it in the daylight.

a limiting fear

Either a fear of failure or a fear of rejection (are they one in the same) has been keeping me from doing the things I enjoy, sharing the things I love, and finishing the things I believe in.

I can’t recall a single event that would install such a fear in me, but, with the time for personal analysis I have here, alone in Syracuse, I’m certain that it’s true. Perhaps it the collective build up of years and years of smaller failures and rejections that ended with bad results that have all added up to this fear.

It needs to be fought. It’s turning me into man that I cannot be proud of; a person I don’t want to be. The problem is, I really have no idea how to fight it. The only thing I can do is guess. So, in my not too distant future, some combination of heightened self-promotion, less give-a-damn, greater independence, less concern for feedback, increased solitude, and a loyal devotion to those who do offer friendship, feedback, and assistance is on the way. Getting the exact recipe will be trial and error, at best.

You can look at this as an advanced apology, a proclamation of the future, or a plead for help in the present. Whichever you’d prefer.

weekend recap

My birthday was awesome. Jess gathered all of my good friends together for a surprise birthday dinner on Friday night. Despite the fact that some people couldn’t make it due to other obligations and such, it was still a huge showing of most of my favorite people in DFW. Thank you to everyone who came. It really means a lot to me.

Thinking back on that group of people and how kick ass they are makes it really, REALLY hard for me to even consider moving. If we do move, Jess and I are going to have to get a REALLY large house and incite a select handful of our more mobile friends to move too by offering them free room and board until they can get situated. Maybe I should start a business and a commune. That would work. Who’s in? I’ll start making creative positions for you.

Saturday we were supposed to go to a Skill Toy meetup. When we got there, however, right smack in the middle of the scheduled operating time, there were only 4 or 5 people there and 2 of those people were NOT our friends that we were supposed to meet. We called them several times with no answer and eventually gave up.

We stopped by the camera store to do some browsing and then headed to my parents house for dinner, conversation, and card games. Sometime during the course of Saturday I rebooked, a rebooked photo shoot for Sunday morning. Apparently with the confusion of my lack of a portable calendar at the moment I also forgot that I did that and managed to let my mom talk me into having a few more beers and spending the night at their place.

The next morning my dad and I got up and photographed the sunrise from the banks of the Trinity near Fort Worth. I left my tripod mounting head in my other bag so I had to improvise. I haven’t seen the results yet, but my hopes are not high.

Then, at 9am, my phone rang. Ooops. The photoshoot. She was very understanding though, since it was a last minute booking. I drove the 1hr to my place. Photographed her for 2 or 3 hours, then then drove back to my parents house for my family birthday party. My brother came over with my nephew, and my two nieces from Vermont are in town for the summer so it was nice to see so much family.

We stopped off at Cafe Brazil in Carrollton to meet two of my favorite people for a brief birthday coffee on the way home. I’m going to miss them so much if we end up moving. Once we got home we cleaned out my bags, packed my suitcases, and prepared the laptop for another week of travel. Then we went off to bed.

I’m heading off for Syracuse again this week. I return on Friday. Those of you in DFW, be sure to keep my wife company when I’m away, just try not to corrupt her as much as last time, will ya? I’m tired of wearing all those silly costumes.

stop… survey time

Not only did Jet write this Survey, but I’ve been tagged as many times as a cheap hooker with a birthday special, so I guess I’d better do it.

This was the longest survey ever. You’d better read every damn word! :)

Basic info:
1. What’s your middle name?
James. As in Daniel James.

2. Where were you born?
The beautiful high desert town of Victorville, CA. At least I remember it as beautiful. It’s been at least 18 years or so since I’ve been there.

3. Where have you lived and where do you live now?
With Parents: Colton, CA; San Bernardino, CA; Bloomington, CA; Irving, TX; Keller, TX

With Roommates: Fort Worth, TX (w/Tony); North Richland Hills, TX (w/Dan); Bedford, TX (w/Dan); Hurst, TX (w/Dan, David, and Julie); Euless, TX (two apartments, practically lived with Kim); Carrollton, TX (w/Brad then Jaclyn); Dallas, TX (w/Justin, directly above Joel and Emily)

With Jess: Irving, TX (across the street from Brad and Morgan); Plano, TX; Savannah, TX

Yeah. I move a lot.

4. What do you do for work? Are you in your desired profession or are you working toward something else (what?)?
I am a project manager and staff consultant for one of the largest telecommunications providers in the US. It’s hard to consider this my desired profession, simply because the specifics of the job are general enough to be used in any profession. The work is fulfilling enough on a good day, however it’s certainly not anything I ever desired to grow up to be.

If I could be anything I wanted, I’d be a professional photographer or a teacher. Or both.

5. Do you collect anything? (If so, what?)
I collect stories and feelings and moments as photographs.

6. Do you have a particular affinity for anything?
I have a few vices.

I crave attention. You probably wouldn’t know it, but it’s true. Not attention in that way that means I need 100 people around me at all times, but I like to be thought of. Maybe it’s pathetic but it really makes my day if someone goes out of their way to show me that they care or are thinking of me. Like today when Jess drove all the way to Irving just to help me pick out glasses when I didn’t even ask her to because she knew I’d like some help.

When it comes to food, I love popcorn. Nothing fancy. Just a little salt and, maybe, from time to time, a little butter. I also love milk. When I actually let myself drink milk, I usually drink so much that my belly hurts.

The only other affinity I can think of is a bit dirty, so you’ll have to email me if you want to know. Most of you that have ever seriously flirted with me probably already do, though. And the rest of you probably don’t care. :)

7. What’s your view on religion and/or spirituality?
First of all, I believe that the true atheists — those that believe we actually came from a big spark and just evolved into what we are now — are fooling themselves. Beyond that, I can’t be certain. I tend to find peace, meaning, power, and reverence in that bond that two or more people seem to share the supercedes any physical connection. This is why I take such great interest in the lines we draw.

Growing up (childhood/teenage years):
1. What is your most vivid memory?
I have too many to count. Here’s a short list.

  1. Punching my best friend, Scott Mills, in the back for no reason at the monkey bars on the playground. (7yrs)
  2. Watching my first porn that just so happened to involve bananas with my friends Tony and Anthony. (10 yrs)
  3. My first real kiss. It was with Julie Thompson outside the locker room. (12 yrs)
  4. Getting caught feeling up my girlfriend by her sister. (13 yrs)
  5. Crying in the rain at the dumpster in our first Texas apartment complex trying to find the box of stuff I threw away the night before in anger and realizing the garbage man had come. (14 yrs)

2. What is the most random memory you’ve recently remembered?
Most of my memories are random, so, it’s hard to decide which is the MOST random. I do recall, now that I’m trying to think of things, the one time I actually got with the girl I had wanted so bad the last few years of elementary school and all through junior high. 6 years after the fact we actually hooked up once. It was, interesting.

3. What was your favorite toy (one for all of your different ‘phases’ is okay)?
My computer. A first a Timex Sinclair. Then a TRS-80. Then an x386.

4. What was your favorite book? Did you read it again as an adult? How did your perception of the book change, or did it?
I really enjoyed all of Shel Silverstein’s poetry and found myself reading it quite often in earlier years. Towards the end of my teenage years I enjoyed the poetry of William Blake the most.

5. Were you indoors or outdoors more often?
I’ve always been pretty outdoorsy. My dad used to take us hiking all over the deserts and mountains of California. As I got older that lessened a but, until about 7 or 8 years ago when it came back full swing.

6. What music did you listen to (again, by ‘phase’ is okay)?
Prior to High School, I listen to country and oldies like my parents did. Towards the end of Junior High and into my Sophomore year of High School I listened to metal. G-N-F-N-R, Metallica, etc. My favorite bands were Def Leppard and Tesla. Towards the end of High School I was a big punk fan enjoying Tilt, the Queers, Green Day, Propaghandi, Screeching Weasel, Jawbreaker, Face to Face, Operation Ivy, the Vandals, and many, many more.

7. Were you radically different as a teenager than you are now? If so, how?
Externally, I was certainly different. But, inside, I think I had the same desires, the same fears, and the same very general goals. It’s kind of sad to think that I may not have progressed at all in the past 10 years.

8. Given the choice, would you have preferred video games, board games, or the arcade?
Board Games

Random Questions:
1. If you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?
I don’t really know super heroes, but from Heroes the TV show I would want to be Hiro.

2. What’s your favorite color and why?
Brown. Because I like it.

3. What type of animal is your favorite? Why?
Cats, Turtles and Frogs. Cats because they are honest with what they intend to offer and what they expect from you. Turtles because there’s something majestic about creatures that live for such a great length of time. I don’t know why I like frogs.

4. Not considering anything except looks (ignore gas mileage, cost, etc), what vehicle would be your next purchase?
A Hummer or a Range Rover, purely for the off-road prowess.

5. Name three things you’re good at.
1) photography
2) seeing a situation from all angles
3) counting
4) listening

6. Name three hobbies that you’ve had in the past.
1) photography
2) rock polishing
3) hiking/exploring
4) guitar

7. What hobbies are you currently pursuing?
same as above. well, minus the rock polishing.

8. What kinds of music do you listen to (no cop-outs on this question! I want specifics!)?
specifics? ok… Mike Doughty/Soul Coughing; Regina Spektor; Dave Matthews; Smashing Pumpkins; Ben Harper; Josh Ritter; Old 97s

9. Do you prefer movies or television? Why?
I don’t really prefer one over the other.

10. What TV shows have you watched all episodes of?
Lost, House, Heroes, BSG, Buffy, Saved by the Bell, Friends, CSI all of them, NCIS.

11. What type of movie is your favorite and why? On this question, I’d like a description of the genre or style, not specific movies (but maybe as examples).
Anything that makes me think.

12. How do you recharge when you’re physically and/or mentally worn out?
usually, time alone. maybe I’ll listen to music, read a book, watch TV, or enjoy the finer points of being alone and pantless.

13. Tell me something I don’t know about you.
I don’t think there’s anything I could write here that would be true for everyone who would read it.

14. Tell me a strange habit that you have.
I cannot stand the smell of food on my hands. After most meals I have to use the restroom and wash my hands so I don’t smell them all day.

15. Write a haiku. 5-7-5
Though it’s wrong, I know,
I feel good seeing you now.
You don’t look happy.

16. Describe your favorite article of clothing.
My North Face tech pants are awesome: They are comfortable; They are cool when needed and warm when needed; They don’t look bad in a pinch; I can kneel in mud and, within 20 minutes, they’ll be dry and clean again; they make my ass look great!

17. Describe your favorite used-item purchase (e.g. from a thrift store, resale shop, antique store, etc).
A T-Shirt from Oregon that says “Volunteers Make a Difference”

18. What kinds of food are “comfort food” to you? Do you make it yourself, or do you preferred it prepared by someone or someplace in particular?
Popcorn. Or Popcorn and Milk. Or, if it’s real bad, Popcorn, Milk, and Chocolate.

19. What makes you feel “old”? Does it worry you, or do you laugh about it?
My joints hurt a lot more than they used to. It worries me.

20. Recommend three websites: one blog link, one serious link, and one humorous link.
Blog: Dive Into Mark – All around interesting Geek Guy.
Serious: Strobist – Seriously Cheap flash.
Humorous: HijinksEnsue – Funny webcomic written by a friend of mine.

the true results of puritan thought

There are so many things I feel strongly about that I no longer bother to bring up in public discussion lest I work my fingers to bruised and calloused stumps or rub my vocal cords bloody from speech. I’m grateful to find, from time to time, someone who shares one of my beliefs and is able to express themselves in a clear, well thought manner.

Our predecessors made a terrible mistake when they decided to use religion as a method for mentally and socially linking sex and love in some unbreakable bond. While, at the time, limits may have been needed to control population, social unrest, the spread of disease, and a plethora of other things, implementing those limits though sex and enforcing them through religious fear was a wrong turn. This has led to a society of people that are not only missing out on some of the finer aspects of physical pleasure this body has to offer, but are also unknowingly contributing to their own unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and confinement by holding these false and outdated beliefs.

I was delighted to read Sami’s article, “We Few, We Happy Few, We Band Of Brothers“, this morning on this very topic. If it is possible to present this idea in a way that might actually be understood by remaining members of the masses that haven’t been so totally brainwashed by the religious zealots and “born again virgins” that they have no remaining brain cells with which to participate in independent thought, then this is surely it.

If you’d like clarification of my own stance because you find it interesting I’m happy to talk with you. If you would just like to offer a conflicting point of view with nothing to back it up, then please, kindly take your arguments into your own spaces and discuss them there where I’ll be happy to read along and comment when I see fit. If you’d like to suggest that you are one of those rare people that have sex and love linked in your brain (or the brain of your significant other) that was not brought on by religious or social upbringing, then that, too, can go unspoken here. Just go stand with the others making that same claim in the dark boring corner back there. You know the one with all the girls wearing very low cut shirts and all the guys knocking each other in the ribs as the girl with the great ass walks by. It’s my birthday this weekend and I’m hoping I’ll have reason to use my fingers and vocal cords for other purposes.

T to the fourth power (plus one)

Yesterday was T^4 (Three Terrific Things Thursday). I missed it. Again. I’ll just blame it on Erica since she missed it too and I tend to use her as my metronome for this.

But I still think it’s important. So, a day late, here it is.

  1. I’ll get to spend the entire month of August with my wife. That alone is a real feat for us lately. But, to make it even better, I get to spend five whole weeks with my wife outside of Texas.

    Three of the Five weeks will be spent in Syracuse. The remaining two weeks will be spent in Canada. I’m even going to get to go visit my mom, my aunt, and my grandma one weekend. And, aside from the days I must spend working, our time will be spent doing things we enjoy, because we enjoy them, with no one else getting in the way. I intend to spend a lot of time taking photographs. And, while in Canada, I may even get to go on an overnight canoeing or camping trip with Mel. Wooo!

    Special thanks to Stacey and Alan and Kristy and Kal for making sure that our kitties stay safe and cared for while we’re away.

  2. This weekend is my birthday. Sunday to be precise. While I don’t particularly care to grow old, any excuse I can use to see my friends is worth it in my book.

    Tonight we’re going out to Dinner with Mike. Saturday afternoon, if we don’t get rained out, we’ll be spending time with friends at a park in Mansfield. Sunday I get to spend time with my family. More than likely I’ll spend one or both mornings photographing something somewhere (let me know if you’re interested in coming along). Mixed in there somewhere, I’m sure I’ll see more of the people I love and care about.

  3. I’m so grateful for the small sparks of meaning that come with the conversations I have with friends from time to time. The most recent spark involved the understanding that, sometimes, appearing weak and vulnerable around friends is not the way to strengthen that friendship or get what I want out of it. Sometimes, confidence and a hint of aggression is what is needed.