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June, 2008:

6 months old!

Jun 27th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

what do I do with these?Celeste’s pediatrician (and my sister as well, who is an Occupational Therapist working with children) is constantly saying things like “your daughter should be doing blah blah by the time she is blah blah months old”. It’s kind of annoying. If there’s a manual that came with her, I’d like to read it. Otherwise, really, how do you know.

I think Celeste, who turned 6 months old yesterday, agrees with me. In an act of pure defiance instead of slowly achieving each goal, one by one as the unseen manual dictates she should, she just decided to do them all with amazing proficiency within the course of 2 weeks.

In fact, here are the things she did in the past two weeks that she couldn’t (or wouldn’t?) do before.

Eat Solid Food
With Nic and Emily as our witnesses, and the video camera rolling, her first adventure into solid foods was a solid one. She didn’t gum the food a bunch and then spit it out. She didn’t decide she didn’t like it and stop bothering to eat. She didn’t flat out refuse to eat at all. She didn’t play that fun spitting game she likes to play while eating her food. She just opened her mouth greedily and took spoonful after spoonful of Avocado until I was afraid to upset her stomach by giving her any more. She loved it.

The Fun Spitting Game
Constantly. It never ends. The more spit, the better. And don’t laugh while she does it. If you open your mouth too wide, you’ll end up with spit in there too.

Sitting Up
She sits on her own. Every now and then she’ll topple if I’m not near by to steady her. Other than that, there’s really no limit to how long she’ll sit. She actually enjoys sitting.

Her First Words
Write it down in the record book: her first words were “Da Da”. Well, actually it was more like “Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da”. In fact, she pretty much doesn’t stop saying “Da Da” now. I don’t think it means what she thinks it means. We’re working on that part.

Fake Cry
Yup, she’s one of those. She knows if she cries she gets attention. So, when she wants attention but she’s not actually upset she fakes it. Thankfully, she’s not a very good faker, so the difference between the two is quite obvious. Her cry is a blood curdling, hair raising, heart pumping scream. Her fake cry sounds like a cat that is puking up and trying to meow at the exact same time.

Toes in her Mouth
She found her toes. She likes her toes. She’s just not quite sure what they’re good for yet. So, like everything else that doesn’t have a clearly defined purpose (and even most of those that do) they go in her mouth.

the trouble with being home

Jun 27th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

I decided that every weekday morning where I didn’t have to leave the house prior to 7am, I would write here and that would be enough. Flipping back through these virtual pages I see that has not been happening. Not even close. When I’m out of town on business, the time at which I arrive at work is rarely a set thing. Additionally, traffic is usually not something I have to contend with. So, if I intend to be at work at 9am, and I leave my hotel at 9am, that’s not really a problem.

At home, however, this is a different story. If I intend to be at work at 9am, I have to leave the house at 7:30am. And, while being slightly late to my job here isn’t a big deal, coming home late is, because the traffic only gets worse and worse. Additionally, getting in to work at 9am is rarely an acceptable thing unless I was working from home before hand. So, really I’m aiming to get to work at 8:30am, which means I have to leave at 7am and the deadline that I set for myself is begging to be missed.

On top of all that, I do work from home. When I’m out on business I only have my laptop. Because of certain limitations, I can either do work stuff or my stuff, but not both at the same time. At home, however, my work is sitting right next to me, constantly begging for more of my attention.

In summary, 7am is a terrible deadline to set and only results in me not writing at all. So, I’ve got to work out something else.

why New Yorkers are awesome

Jun 24th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

In the distanceNew Yorkers are awesome. On more than one occasion I’ve seen them work together toward a common goal without any kind of authority requiring them to do so or organizing them in any way, simply out of respect for one another. Here’s an example.

While in Manhattan on business last week, I used the 50th Street C/E Subway stop every day to get to and from work. The downtown platform is split into two levels, E on top, and C on the bottom. At some point along the way, it matters which train you get on. But for a lot of people, either train would work just as well. Many other subway platforms have multiple trains stopping at the same platform (opposite sides or even the same track sometimes). But not the 50th Street C/E Downtown platform. E is on top, and C is a curving flight of stairs below it. In other words, it’s a very poorly designed platform that leads to some annoyance and difficulty.

So what do New Yorkers do? They wait at the stairs. From there, they can see the E track. Someone waits down below at the C track. If the C train comes, he calls out and all the people waiting rush down the stairs to catch the train. If the E train comes, the people call down to the one waiting and then hold the door for him so he can make it up the stairs in time.

I was at this platform on three different occasions. The first time I was confused and not sure what to do. I saw people waiting at the top, so I waited with them and ran when they ran. I was shocked to see it happening again the next day and even more shocked to see it on the third day.

New Yorkers are awesome. And because of that, I always managed to catch the train even if arrived downstairs first.

the need for rest

Jun 19th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

chasing timeMany things are useful, not because of what they are, but because of what they are not. A vase, for instance, is useless without the hollow inside. A window would serve no purpose if it were not transparent. A door would be pointless if it did not open. A piece of music without silence is simply a tone.

I often get down on myself when I find I’m not doing everything I can with every second I have. I feel as though I’m wasteing something precious. I fail to realize that rest is needed in order to absorb those moments. Not rest, as in sleep; Rest, as in that moment of pause between two measures in the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard.

I can’t take credit for this analogy. It is one of the many, many beautiful lessons our associate minister taught before she left for Canada. She, of course, said it much more beautifully than I ever could. I’ve simply adapted it to myself.

daniel in the box

Jun 18th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

rabbit hiding

I spend so many hours of each day filled with worry. For a change it’s nice to just live and not worry. It’s not really in my nature to not worry, though, so it makes me at odds with myself. Especially when I look back and worry about the impact those actions might have on my future.

Ultimately, I think a blend of the two would be best for me.

Forcing myself out of my box and spending time with friends who will help keep me out is a constant challenge to loosen up. A reminder that, while it’s okay to pour over numbers and finances and vacation plans and future goals, sometimes the best way to spend some time is making out in the park late at night like high schoolers.


all a blur

Jun 17th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

over used

With so much travel occupying my weeks, my weekends can get quite blurry. Here’s my last one in a nutshell.

Last Friday I got off the plane from Providence and headed home. As I pulled up, so did a few friends. Another friend showed up later that evening. We had dinner, a few drinks, played crazy card games (Fluxx is awesome!), and watched a couple of really warped movies. I went to bed somewhere around 4am.

8:30am on Saturday and I’m up, of course. We lounged around the house quite a bit. Towards the afternoon we did a little shopping, stopped by a friends house, changed clothes, and then went to a housewarming party. A few more drinks, a stripper pole, lots of people dressed very nice. Jess and I left early and headed home. I think we went to be around 11:30pm.

7:30am on Sunday and I’m up again. Jess and I bum around the house a bit and then head out around 10:00am. We stop by Fry’s for a little shopping then go to my dad’s for Father’s Day lunch. We had a great lunch and a couple of beers outside as my nieces and nephews played on the water slide. Then my dad and my brother and I played poker over a bottle of Don Julio. Jess drove home. We got home very late, threw some wash in, started packing my bags and then went to bed.

6:30am on Monday I woke up, finished packing and got ready to leave. Jess brought me to the airport at about 8:30am. I get to NYC that afternoon, check in to my hotel, wander the streets a bit, and get rained on. Then I meet up with a couple of friends, have too many martinis, followed by my first ever oyster experience, followed by sushi and sake. Finding my way home on the subway and then trying to remember which side of Broadway my hotel was on was fun. I made it back to the hotel before 12 and was in bed before 1.

Which brings me to now.

When I think back over it all it seems very busy and very rushed. But, in reality, I enjoyed every minute of it and, except for feeling like I was rushed Monday morning, never felt as though I was doing too much with too little.


rainy with a chance of sun

Jun 13th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

I’m actually a bit nervous about my trip to Manhattan next week. Not because of the travel, I’m quite used to that. And not because of the city itself, I’ve been many times and love it.

What’s bothering me, I think, is that while I’m there, I’ll be all on my own. I know a friend or two who wouldn’t even question coming to my aid. I even know a few co-workers there that would be happy to help in any way that I needed. But, still, in the end, I’m there all on my own. In the past, I’ve either traveled there with someone, or had gone there to meet someone. I’m good at exploring. Good at finding my way. Very good with directions. But I still have this whole “safety in numbers” thing going. Being in a car is one thing. There’s some safety that it provides. But walking alone is something else entirely. Should I just hole myself up in the hotel all week? No. I’m adventurous and I intend to have an adventure. I don’t want to be afraid when there’s nothing to be afraid of. Yet, at the same time, I don’t want to force myself to be courageously stupid either.

Also, it’s that I’ll have to work there. It’s one thing to be on my schedule, on my time, doing my thing. It’s something entirely different to be working. I have to get from point A to point B on time. I know where my hotel is, I know where I have to report to work. I don’t have the foggiest idea of how long it will take me to get there. Should I walk? Take a cab? A bus? A subway?

Usually, I drive to the office, walk in and start work. Being in Providence was a small break from that, since I walked 5 or 6 blocks to work every day. But, NYC is very different. Do I need a different bag? Something smaller? Something lighter? Will I be comfortable carrying this around all day? Is it going to be blazing hot? I take great pride in my work and always make sure I go above and beyond to make a good impression. Especially a first impression, which this will be. I don’t want to show up, stinky, sweaty, late, and overburdened with a too-heavy bag.

I’m sure I’ll figure it all out in the end. I’ll have to — it’s two days away. But, until then, I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was consuming quite a few of my brain cycles.

with too many reasons

motivation and commitment

Jun 12th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

Part of me wants to think that I’m just lazy. But if I really look at it I start to see that really, I lack motivation and commitment. I realized this after reading a post from a friend having a similar problem.

Look at yesterday. I got up at 6:30. I got caught up online, did a little work, wrote, edited a photo, and got myself ready by 9am. I walked to breakfast then walked to work. I was there by 10 and worked until 7pm taking only 45 minutes for lunch. After work I drove to dinner. Then I took some photographs of the city, drove around a bit, and ended up at the hotel by 10pm. I went to bed reading at 11:30 and spent the time in between online. While I could certainly stand to cut back on my time online, it’s not like I’m even a little bit lazy. I do plenty of stuff. I just lack the motivation to do the things I know I should do that also tend to be time consuming or require some form of commitment.

At least for the first year or so, my goal is to take photographs of Celeste every month on or near her month birthday. For a photographer one quick and easy photoshoot at home should be no problem but, somehow, I keep putting it off. Two weeks from now she’ll be 6 months old and I still haven’t even come up with an idea for her 5 month photos. I did take her 3 month and 4 month photos but I still haven’t printed them or mailed them to anyone. The only reason they are edited is because my mother-in-law forced me to do it while they were here. Something so simple and rewarding shouldn’t be difficult to convince myself to do.

Look at all the abandoned photography projects or photo adventures. With the projects, I just keep saying I’m working on them. For the photo adventures, I always have a good excuse. I can find the time and I certainly have the energy. It must be motivation that keeps me from doing these things.

I think I actually have the opposite of motivation: anti-motivation. Maybe you could even call it inertia. I think it is fueled, in part, by a fear of commitment. These larger projects have so many aspects to them. They require planning and dedication. There are people who expect them and are waiting patiently for them. There is something in my head that clicks in all the wrong directions and pushes back on these things. I think I’m afraid of letting myself or others down so much, that I don’t even bother to get started. Give me a series of small tasks to perform today and I’m fine. Give me a larger task to accomplish over a period of time, and somehow, it never gets done.

I have great time management skills. And I’m more than capable of managing very large projects with intricate time lines and rushed due dates. I do this all day every day at my day job. But, when I get home, some how that all shuts off.

At work, the reward for accomplishing large projects on time is obvious: a paycheck and the promise of more work. However, at home, it’s harder to find motivation to make these personal commitments. Most of the people I know undertake projects that benefit themselves and possibly their immediate family. Going beyond that is rare. This isn’t a complaint at all. It’s just the way it is. But the projects I undertake are generally intended to impact more than just myself. I think that maybe the reason I find it so hard to commit to this work is because the rewards are not nearly as obvious.

So I’m looking for help. Someone to share a project with or someone with a goal of their own so we can keep each other in check. Someone offering a reward (silly or serious) for the completion of a project. Or someone to monitor and praise my progress during a project.

Here’s what I’m working on: Skins editing, summer camping trip, celeste monthly photos, wet/water shoot with model, website redesign and migration, sensual anonymity (more models and more photos), rural night photography, clean studio shots of random objects (hi tech catalog type work).

sleping alone

hotel fears

Jun 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
11 comments

There are some things — irrational things — that really frighten me about hotels.

First, I fear there are bugs in my bed. Generally, after putting down my stuff into the room, the first thing I’ll do is lift the sheets and look for bugs. I don’t mean tiny, barely visible bugs. I mean real bugs: roaches, spiders, beetles, and the like. I don’t usually go as far as to check under the fitted sheet… but I do sometimes.

I also have this fear that the office chair in the room is dirty. Dirty beyond belief. I imagine dirty, sweaty, unwashed men sitting their naked butts onto that very same chair and rubbing them all over it. This means that, more often than not, I place one of the hotel towels on the chair before sitting.

Which gets me to the towels themselves. Usually, I’m pretty trusting of these. But that doesn’t stop me from shaking them out and examining them before using them on my naked body. I’m just checking for hairs, bugs, and other such things. I once opened a hand towel to find beard shaving remnants in it. I almost threw up.

Then there’s the shower. Not the shower itself, but the water coming out of it. I have this fear that, because everyone is using the water at the same time, we’ll end up taking water from the very bottom of the water supply and end up with something less than desirable. Every time I close, reopening them fills my body with a fear that, when I do, the water will no longer be running clear.

Finally, there are the holes and vents that generally plague the bathroom. I’m lucky because the hotel I’m in now has none of these. But in many hotels the air conditioning is suspended over the bathtub. There are vents and drainage pipes and the noise it makes when it is running. I have visons of who knows what crawling out from these holes and pipes, or the entire thing just crashing into the shower while I’m using it.

And then lots of little things too. Like the thought that the cleaning people will do something gross to my toothbrush. Or that the glasses in the room have not been washed if they don’t look used. Or that I’ll move a piece of furniture around and find something that will frighten me.

What’s more interesting is that I have almost none of these fears in my own home. However, in my own home, many of the above things have actually happened. The water in my shower did run a dirty brown once; something in the pipe and only for a brief second. We had a giant, fuzzy spider in our bed once, and countless numbers of smaller spiders in our room. Wasps flew out of one of the vents in my dad’s house once. But, in a hotel, only a few of these things have ever happened, and, even then rarely.

imagine me

longer days

Jun 10th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

This time of year, days are about an hour longer here in Providence than they are at home in Dallas. The light knocking at my window just after five o’clock this morning startled me awake — panicked that I’d had missed my alarm. Another insignificant item in a long list of things to get used to.

Despite the heat wave and high humidity here I think I’ll walk to work. It’s only a few blocks and it makes a lot more sense than pulling the car out of valet just to find another garage to park it in a few blocks down the road. I look forward to going out for a ride tonight, though. An old coastal town like this has a lot to offer a photographer like me. I’ve got a new camera to try out in accordance with my “a simple life is a better life” mantra I’ve been chanting lately.

I know many incredible people who are content to live lives that don’t center around creating something. They live what seem to be happy, full lives filled with challenge and interest centered entirely on their experience and the happiness afforded them by friendship and the consumption of those things created by others. But, no matter how hard I try, living life that way simply does not fulfill me. I need to create. I need to produce. I need to build. I need to change.

It’s been too long since I’ve shared a photograph. It’s been even longer since I made a photograph that really challenged me or moved me. This needs to change.

It isn’t much, but it’s a start. I’m going to attempt to write here every morning with no regard for how bad, or trivial, or short, or uninteresting these words might be. My hope is that the forced creativity and attempts at accountability will renew the ambition and drive that comes along with that need.

Lighter than air, her mind burned with possibilities. She loved him. She wanted him. Yet, in the end, he had no substance. This high school dropout wouldn’t be approved by her peers.

– OneWord // Substance

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