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July, 2008:

craigslist love hate

Jul 31st, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

I love Craigslist. I don’t post often, though I have before.  I don’t really respond all that often either. I just enjoy the raw nature of it. There so much passion in a missed connection. There’s so much excitement in seeking a companion. There are so many new possibilities and opportunities. There so much freedom in the anonymity.

So, on a fairly regular basis, I read Craigslist.

Usually I read in Dallas, but sometimes other cities.

I read the community section and the trade section and marvel at how money-centric our society is and cheer when I see something I can actually agree with or get behind or understand.

I look at the job boards and fantasize about what I could be doing and curse myself for what I’m stuck with.

I read the women seeking men section and realize how little I know about the kinds of people one might desire. I wonder how many women out there desire someone that fits my description.

I read the men seeking women and compare my tastes to what the men are looking for. Usually I’m bored. Sometimes I’m curious. Other times I’m shocked. Occasionally, I’m repulsed.

I read the casual encounters section and wonder what I’d casually seek if I were seeking casually.

I read the missed connections section and think of all the people that I’ve passed and wish I could find again. I think of all the people that I was close to that I now miss so dearly.

Except for those which obviously aren’t real (which I flag like I’m on a mission sanctioned by God himself), I rarely consider that any of the posters might be a fraud or have motives other than those outlined in their posts. It’s on the rare occasion that I do interact with the site (posting, responding) that I realize how wrong I am that I truly recognize how many traps have been set.

Today I responded to an ad in casual encounters.  I was clear at the very beginning of my response that I was merely browsing and was not actually interested in dating her but that I was intrigued by something she said. I was being nice. I realized how good it would make me feel to get an email like the one I was sending her. And I meant what I wrote, so it was genuine. I thought, at the very least, it’ll brighten her day.

Within 5 minutes she wrote back. At 6:30am, that’s a bit unusual. As soon as I opened the email I understood why. No one had even read what I wrote. The response indicated that if I wanted to hook up I should click on a link and check out her pics. I didn’t bother.

Maybe this should be the start of a mission to find truth in Craigslist.

Maybe not.

stagnant

Jul 30th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
7 comments

I feel like I need to keep writing, even when I don’t know what result I’m seeking. I have nothing to explain, because I don’t even understand it myself. I have nothing to share because I feel as though with each passing day I get closer and closer to a complete stop. Stagnant. I have nothing to gain. I have nothing to prove. Yet I feel like if I don’t make some sort of noise — some scream in the dark — I’ll go unheard, unseen, unfound. And then I’ll be as good as gone.

drowning

Somewhere at the bottom of all this I know that I do have something to share, something for others to be excited about, something to proclaim, something people will remember. I just can’t seem to find it. And I feel like if I don’t get there soon, I’ll lose my chance. So I’m panicking.

Even though most days pass without any sort of mentioned or noticeable change in my physical or emotional life I know that something is changing — something is moving. Not because I feel it, but because I remember what has happened. It’s like this:

12 years ago I lived on coffee, cigarettes, and whatever food happened to pass in front of me when I had time for it. Slowly, second by second, in the most invisible way possible, I grew insecure, distrusting, fat, and afraid. I didn’t notice any of this happening, I just woke up one day and realized it. I was 15 pounds heavier than I should be. Most of my friends were abusive users. I tried to clean it up. I straightened everything out. I got back on the right track and moved on with life. Then I woke up one day realized it again. I was now 30 pounds heavier than I should be. While I had friendships, I hadn’t really let myself get very close to any of them. I was ignoring my wife. I was disappointed in myself in a regular basis. I was severely unhappy and all the money and time in the world wouldn’t fix it. I hadn’t challenged myself in so long. I had become stagnant. I had become complacent.

Only this time it wasn’t the past. It isn’t the past. It’s me. The present. Now. Right now. That is what I am. Fat, and stagnant, and lonely. And drowning in it all.

delicate

Jul 29th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

He carefully slid his arm out from under her neck, sliding just a bit more to his side of the long, worn bench seat of his pickup truck. As the last rays of sun were burning up over the mountain top, he stared at her, watching her chest rise and fall with each sleeping breath. He held her hand in his and counting each delicate bone one by one.

Delicate // OneWord

test post in the future

Jul 28th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

It’s currently 12:51pm. But, if all goes well, you won’t see this until 1:15pm (central time). But that didn’t work so I’m trying again for 10:00pm.

One of you let me know if it works.

it always breaks

Jul 28th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

I think I’m a target for broken things — broken anything. From techology, to things bought in various stores, to that too-emo-for-my-age feeling that even most of my relationships are broken in some way.

I go into a Starbucks with a simple purpose: get some Caffiene before going back to work so I don’t fall asleep on the job and, while I’m at it, update my website. 15 minutes later and I’m finally online. I had to wait for Vista to “Switch Users”. Then I had to wait for it to log me in. Then I had to wait for it to get all booted up. Then I had to kill a few processes because it wasn’t coming up. Then I had to wait longer. When it finally came up I had to wait an eternity for the AT&T login page on the Starbucks wireless network to appear. It never did. I eventually gave up and slapped in my Mobile Data card. 15 minutes! So, here I am, finally. I’m so frustrated I don’t even remember what I intended to write about.

Our house has one room that’s about 10 degrees hotter than the rest. I guess it’s built wrong. I have no idea. Of course, we never really started using that room until our new home warranty was up. Even better, I’ve now selected it as my office. So, instead of trying to figure out what wrong with the ducts, I just decided to buy a window A/C. Of course, my windows (seemingly the same windows as everyone else in the world) don’t quite cooperate with the type of window mounts provided. So, my office is still 10 degrees hotter. But now, I’m $150 poorer and there’s an air conditioner taking up the floor in the corner.

I bought a water proof camera bag in order to take photos underwater while at the lake. Of course, the only sizes available are too-small for $20 and way-too-big for $120. So, I opt for way-too-big since the description says the the bag has some srt of bellows to accomodate lenses as small at 3cm. That’s a lie. A big lie. So, I have a bunch of photos that have the corners cut out of them thanks to the bag getting in the way of the shot. Didn’t really matter anyway since none of the photos came out. I have no idea why.

I upgraded the LiveJournal Crossposting script that I use on this site and on my photo blog. Of course, something changed and now, my other plugin that formats my photo posts all pretty like doesn’t work leaving the Crossposted LJ entries looking more than worthless. I’m sure I can figure out what’s wrong, but I really just don’t want to.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the gist. Nothing works for me. If there’s a way something can go wrong or a point that should never fail can fail, it’s happened to me in some way and, most likely, at the time when I was relying on it most.

And, of course, I’m sure this griping all seems trivial. But it’s just one more straw on an already overloaded mind burdened by what seems to be a heavier and heavier heart. I need a break.

Summer Camp

Jul 25th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

bathing baby (#2)This is Celeste being bathed in a wash bucket at my In-Law’s Summer Camp in Northern Ontario. I love this photograph for more reasons than I can possibly list.

The concept of a “Summer Camp” to those that don’t live in the North is probably quite foreign. In fact, if it conjures any image at all, it’s more than likely of a group camp affiliated with a church or scouting organization that younger children attend for a few weeks each summer. In a way, it is kind of like that, only, usually on a smaller scale and much more close knit.

When I grew up, my Grandmother had (and still has) a Summer Camp in Vermont. Even after staying with her at Camp for entire summers, I still didn’t really understand what it meant or why anyone would put forth the money and trouble. This year it’s starting to make more sense. It’s not a place, or a season, or certain people. Sure, these things all get included in the end. But, above all that, it’s a way of life, a set of values, and a shared bond between family and friends. And that’s where I’ve spent my past two weeks.

Of course every Camp is different. My In-Laws Camp tends to be quiet, laid back, and relaxed and happens to be equipped with most of the luxuries of home. Other Camps are really just houses on the lake and set in the woods. Others have no running water, save for the complicated array of tubes and water barrels you’ve designed, a kitchen that’s just a basin and a stove under an awning, and more out houses than bedrooms.

Regardless of what a camp is like, if it’s something that is loved and cherished, then being there will be an experience all of it’s own. Maybe a Summer Camp we’ll have one day. Either, one of our own, or one to share part in with others. Some place to bring my own children up with those same values and shared bonds.

heading out

Jul 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

along the wayGood Morning from Anchorage.

Since the sun’s already up, I don’t have to worry about my desire to get any where before sunrise. It nice and overcast which means great things for photography opportunities today. I’m pretty sure I’m taking the route through Watertown this morning, though I’ve got no one to answer to so I might change my mind. A quick poke at various weather forecasts shows that it might actually be overcast and stormy in the places I could travel tomorrow. So, if it’s not too late, maybe I’ll take the ferry at Tobemory after all, instead of going through Barrie. Then I can see the Island and Bruce Peninsula all in one day.

If you really want to know where I’m at you should check out my Bright Kite stream. I’ll keep it updated as often as I can. I turned off the sync between it and Twitter because it was annoying some people. Ha.

Went the casino last night. I really, really, really love playing Craps. I love that it’s complicated for no good reason. I love all of the superstition around it. I love that (most) everyone at the table is rooting for the same thing. I love that, even at the cheapest table in the house, if you’re playing well, you still end up with $50 on the table at any given time to lose. I love that there is so much math involved if you want there to be, but, if you’d rather not think about it, you can still play along. I lost $100 last night. Not too bad considering I’d told myself I could lose $200 and then just decided I was tired after 3 hours. I’ve never been able to come out ahead in Craps. I don’t really have a gambler in me (though Craps is the exception). But, if I did he’d say that if I went in the game with more cash I’d stand a better chance of coming out ahead. Something more like $500 or $600.

Some time in the next two days I’ll become mostly unreachable via Mobile Phone or email and will remain that way for about 2 weeks. So, if you need anything, leave a message and wait a few days for me to get back to you. Since I use Google Reader to keep up with websites and even LiveJournal, there’s little chance I’ll miss anything I really care about. However, just to be safe, you right something important or really interesting, do me a favor and drop me an email with a link so I’ll be sure not to miss it.

It will be hard to find any solitude during these travels. I’ll be surrounded by my In-Laws and all of their family for the next two weeks while staying at a summer camp. I won’t be able to find a corner alone unless I’m willing to actually leave on my own. Of course I have no problem with this usually, but this makes me appear to be rude if I do it too often and actually makes me real, honest-to-goodness bear bait, if I sit too alone or too quietly, much to the amusement of my In-Laws. My attempts to talk Jess into going with me don’t usually work, either. Maybe I should just buy some bells for my shoes.

Regardless of all that, I’m still hoping to get some soul seeking done some how. I’ve been having a really hard time lately. Several of you have picked up on this and talked to me about it which I really appreciate. I have some amazing, selfless friends.

That’s enough for now. Think of me, and send lots of love for me to pick up when I reconnect now and then.

releasing concern

Jul 10th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

a single thoughtThere’s a small, growing, unnamed peace that can be found in releasing concern. I was tempted to use say “that can be found in not caring”, but there is a difference. That subtle difference is what leads allows this to lead to peace instead of frustration. The Buddhists definitely have something there.

Last night I wanted to go for a walk in one of my favorite parks and make photographs under the storm clouds. Unfortunately the storm clouds began to rain and I was reluctant to even leave my hotel. With a few deep breaths I just let it go. I packed what I needed into my bag and headed out. I walked in the rain with my bag slung over my shoulder. My camera was in a cumbersome bag meant to protect it from water. Despite being difficult to use, I made a choice to not concern myself with the difficulty. I had to keep clearing the lens port of rain drops, my face was dripping into my eyes, my bag was soaked, my shirt was sticking to my chest, and I just didn’t care. I laughed. I damn near fell in the lake more than once. I said “hello” to the few people out walking in the rain. I loved every second of it.

There’s a big part of me that worries about everything and everyone. I spend so much time worrying that I forget to enjoy myself. I’m proud of myself that I am thoughtful, that I plan things through, that I consider others, that I worry about people. That makes me who I am and I wouldn’t change that. But, I need to learn to loosen up a bit too or all the planning and worrying will never lead to anything I can enjoy.

So that’s it. My big lesson of the day, founded, forged, and tested all in an evening under a rain cloud.

I wish Jet or Morgan could have been there. Of all the people I cherish in my life, I can think of no one that would have appreciated it more than them, and no one that I would have rather spent it with.

brain dump

Jul 9th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

SheridanI’m a bit scattered this morning, so I’m sure this will flow in a similar fashion. Ugh.

I’m pretty sure I’m not taking the Ferry from Tobermory. Sure, I might change my mind at the last minute and hope for the best but, the added travel time just doesn’t make sense considering how eager I am to see my little girl. Besides, I think the time and money would be better spent if I planned a trip out there during my stay at “Camp” these next two weeks. Then I can give the Island and the Peninsula the time and effort it deserves.

Free Wifi and never ending coffee at Denny’s is awesome. Even if it is really noisy.

I’m hoping I can dodge any invitations to any kind of dinner event this evening so that I can go for a nice long walk at my favorite Syracuse Park: Green Lakes. Then again, I heard a couple of guys talking about this “new wing place you just have to try” and I think they were aiming for tonight. We’ll see.

Then thursday night, I’ll either end up going to bed early or heading out to the casino to blow a couple hundred dollars at a Craps table. It depends on what I’m going to do the next day.

I think that I might drive to Toronto via Watertown. If I leave around 5am, I’ll be to the Lake Ontario just in time to catch the good light. Then I’ll still have 9 hours to make a 4 hour trip. But I can always waste more time at the Islands or pay the crazy parking rates in Toronto and explore on my own before I meet Kim.

As crazy as they are, as insistant and demanding as they can be, as hectic as the time I spend with them can get, I like my family. My family, my extended family, and even my in-laws. Yesterday I got 4 phone calls of people singing me happy birthday. It’s a small thing, sure, and, at the time, it was interrupting a hectic day and that made it kind of annoying. But at the end of the day when I close my eyes to sleep, it feels good to know that people are thinking of me. I even got to hear my Niece screaming at my brother until he’d let her talk to me so she could say “happy birthday” too.

These next few weeks have me wound up quite a bit. The problem is that I am a planner and a worrier, and my wife and my mother-in-law are the exact opposite of that. So, I end up not coming up with things for me to do, worried that it might step on the toes of something they’ve planned to do when, in the end, they never plan to do anything. However, when I finally give myself enough freedom to make some sort of plan, it’s usually met with the knowledge that they have made plans and, of course, mine interfere with theirs. So, being selfless and a worrier, I generally give in to thier plans and opt not to make any more for myself.

This year, I’m going to try something different. I’m going to make plans for myself starting from day one. If they make plans and tell me about them and everything works out, then great. But if they come up with plans too late and I like my own plans better then I’m keeping my own plans. It’s easier said than done. I’m a push over. And I don’t like to cause trouble or upset people. But, it’s my goal at least.

There are so many things I want to see and do. Here’s the short list: Bruce Peninsula National Park, Manitoulin Island, Lake Superior National Park, Pukaskwa National Park. and Killarney. I doubt I’ll get all that in. Some of those are quite difficult to plan a trip around, especially when my “home base” is in the middle of no where with no cell service or internet access. But, it’s something to try.

If you know of anything closer to Webbwood, Ontario worth seeing, please, let me know.

I leave you now with this photo of my Neice, Sheridan.

Toronto with Bust

Jul 8th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

On Friday I’m Toronto bound. It’s about a 4 hour drive, and I have 9 hours or more to make it in (Kim is meeting me at 5pm).

These are my options:

  • I can take my time in Rochester, Buffalo, and Niagra Falls. Maybe pick out some state parks or look for some industrial areas to visit.
  • I can take a dip down through Ithaca and explore the finger lakes.
  • I can go up through Watertown, NY and explore the islands at the mouth of Lake Ontario, the many parks in that area, and then drive along the Northern Coast of Lake Ontario to get to Toronto.
  • I can sleep in really, really late, drive straight through, and get to Toronto just early enough to do a little shopping.

On Saturday I’m headed just outside of Webbwood, ON. From Toronto it’s a 5 1/2 hour drive. These are my options:

  • Head straight there, I’ve already wasted enough time and I miss my little girl.
  • Take the Tobermory Ferry to Manitoulin Island and drive up through the Island to Webbwood. Straight through, this is about 7 hours, 2 of which are spent on the Ferry. However, Manitoulin is beautiful and I’m interested in seeing the Peninsula as well as the Bruce Peninsula National Park. So that 7 hour trip will become more like 9 hours and include 2 hours of photo taking. Of course, unless I get lucky and end up with some stormy weather (slightly possible, but not likely) I’ll want to be there early morning or late evening for the best photos. This just isn’t possible considering that it’s 4 hours from Toronto (I’d have to leave at 2 or 3 in the morning). So, seeing it all will be nice, but the chancees of getting really good photographs is not all that high. But I get to spend the time on the Ferry with Kim and I get to go some place I’ve never been.
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