revjim.net

I feel like I need to keep writing, even when I don't know what result I'm seeking. I have nothing to explain, because I don't even understand it myself. I have nothing to share because I feel as though with each passing day I get closer and closer to a complete stop. Stagnant. I have nothing to gain. I have nothing to prove. Yet I feel like if I don't make some sort of noise — some scream in the dark — I'll go unheard, unseen, unfound. And then I'll be as good as gone.

Somewhere at the bottom of all this I know that I do have something to share, something for others to be excited about, something to proclaim, something people will remember. I just can't seem to find it. And I feel like if I don't get there soon, I'll lose my chance. So I'm panicking.

Even though most days pass without any sort of mentioned or noticeable change in my physical or emotional life I know that something is changing — something is moving. Not because I feel it, but because I remember what has happened. It's like this:

12 years ago I lived on coffee, cigarettes, and whatever food happened to pass in front of me when I had time for it. Slowly, second by second, in the most invisible way possible, I grew insecure, distrusting, fat, and afraid. I didn't notice any of this happening, I just woke up one day and realized it. I was 15 pounds heavier than I should be. Most of my friends were abusive users. I tried to clean it up. I straightened everything out. I got back on the right track and moved on with life. Then I woke up one day realized it again. I was now 30 pounds heavier than I should be. While I had friendships, I hadn't really let myself get very close to any of them. I was ignoring my wife. I was disappointed in myself in a regular basis. I was severely unhappy and all the money and time in the world wouldn't fix it. I hadn't challenged myself in so long. I had become stagnant. I had become complacent.

Only this time it wasn't the past. It isn't the past. It's me. The present. Now. Right now. That is what I am. Fat, and stagnant, and lonely. And drowning in it all.