revjim.net

stagnant

Jul 30th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.

I feel like I need to keep writing, even when I don’t know what result I’m seeking. I have nothing to explain, because I don’t even understand it myself. I have nothing to share because I feel as though with each passing day I get closer and closer to a complete stop. Stagnant. I have nothing to gain. I have nothing to prove. Yet I feel like if I don’t make some sort of noise — some scream in the dark — I’ll go unheard, unseen, unfound. And then I’ll be as good as gone.

drowning

Somewhere at the bottom of all this I know that I do have something to share, something for others to be excited about, something to proclaim, something people will remember. I just can’t seem to find it. And I feel like if I don’t get there soon, I’ll lose my chance. So I’m panicking.

Even though most days pass without any sort of mentioned or noticeable change in my physical or emotional life I know that something is changing — something is moving. Not because I feel it, but because I remember what has happened. It’s like this:

12 years ago I lived on coffee, cigarettes, and whatever food happened to pass in front of me when I had time for it. Slowly, second by second, in the most invisible way possible, I grew insecure, distrusting, fat, and afraid. I didn’t notice any of this happening, I just woke up one day and realized it. I was 15 pounds heavier than I should be. Most of my friends were abusive users. I tried to clean it up. I straightened everything out. I got back on the right track and moved on with life. Then I woke up one day realized it again. I was now 30 pounds heavier than I should be. While I had friendships, I hadn’t really let myself get very close to any of them. I was ignoring my wife. I was disappointed in myself in a regular basis. I was severely unhappy and all the money and time in the world wouldn’t fix it. I hadn’t challenged myself in so long. I had become stagnant. I had become complacent.

Only this time it wasn’t the past. It isn’t the past. It’s me. The present. Now. Right now. That is what I am. Fat, and stagnant, and lonely. And drowning in it all.

Posted in: life, ljxp, photographs.
Tagged: · · · · · ·

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  • Em

    *hugs*

  • vaxocentric

    Talking about it is good. You’ve got a lot of people who consider you their friend. You need to see us more often!

  • http://revjim.net/ Jim Reverend

    More than anything, it’s just a heavily edited brain dump, not any kind of real conversation. But, you’re right, it does help some, just to get it out.

    I do have lots and lots of very good friends. And I appreciate that so many of you are so willing to offer help.

  • Jess

    It’s too easy to become stagnant. I’ve found, for me (not trying to take the focus off you, just trying to show I can relate), I’ve let the baby become my entire identity. And while I love her, and I love being a mother, now, all of a sudden, parts of me are SCREAMING to get out, to do something for ME, to have some moments alone so I can find myself again. While I love my current life, I still miss the possible spontaneity, the ability to just go out and see friends and do nothing till the wee hours of the morning. I’ve wrapped myself up so tightly in the baby that I feel like I’m not my own person anymore.

    That’s why I’m forcing myself to write again. It’s not much, but it’s something, something I can do for me, something to exercise my brain. I think it’s good that you keep writing; I’ve always found it helpful.

    Maybe we need to start challenging ourselves, and each other, more. I’m not sure how we can do that, but I’ll think of something.

    I love you.

  • http://revjim.net/ Jim Reverend

    You’re right. Part of what makes me (and possibly you) stagnant is that
    routine. After 9 hours at work, 3 hours in traffic, and only 3 hours of time
    left until I have to go to bed, sitting on the couch in front of the TV with
    a bowl of ice cream instead of getting out to take night photos just seems
    like a better way to spend the evening.

    I’m sure the same is true for you. After 12 hours of handling screaming,
    eating, peeing, pooping baby, along with house work, errands, bills, and
    other things to keep our home running smoothly and only 3 hours left in your
    day, in that moment, doing something relaxing seems a better use of your
    time than continuing to go … go … go. And, of course, even if you do
    decide to go go go, there’s still a baby to take care of … at least every
    other day.

    I love you too. Thanks for your reply.

  • Jess

    It's too easy to become stagnant. I've found, for me (not trying to take the focus off you, just trying to show I can relate), I've let the baby become my entire identity. And while I love her, and I love being a mother, now, all of a sudden, parts of me are SCREAMING to get out, to do something for ME, to have some moments alone so I can find myself again. While I love my current life, I still miss the possible spontaneity, the ability to just go out and see friends and do nothing till the wee hours of the morning. I've wrapped myself up so tightly in the baby that I feel like I'm not my own person anymore.

    That's why I'm forcing myself to write again. It's not much, but it's something, something I can do for me, something to exercise my brain. I think it's good that you keep writing; I've always found it helpful.

    Maybe we need to start challenging ourselves, and each other, more. I'm not sure how we can do that, but I'll think of something.

    I love you.

  • http://revjim.net/ Daniel

    You're right. Part of what makes me (and possibly you) stagnant is that
    routine. After 9 hours at work, 3 hours in traffic, and only 3 hours of time
    left until I have to go to bed, sitting on the couch in front of the TV with
    a bowl of ice cream instead of getting out to take night photos just seems
    like a better way to spend the evening.

    I'm sure the same is true for you. After 12 hours of handling screaming,
    eating, peeing, pooping baby, along with house work, errands, bills, and
    other things to keep our home running smoothly and only 3 hours left in your
    day, in that moment, doing something relaxing seems a better use of your
    time than continuing to go … go … go. And, of course, even if you do
    decide to go go go, there's still a baby to take care of … at least every
    other day.

    I love you too. Thanks for your reply.