revjim.net

I can be intense. Too intense for some people, I think. I'm trying to work on this and figure out how to control it more.

Twice this week people I don't communicate with very often have commented on how fast I respond to emails. A friend mentioned that she had forgotten while I was out of town how quickly one email turns into ten when I'm around. It's true. I write fast. I think fast. I know what I want before it's asked for. Everything I do is on overload and it's this way constantly until i turn it off. Then it buzzes around in the back of my head as I block it out with TV, food, sleep, or the constant refreshing of internet pages that don't update fast enough.

Sometimes, a big enough distraction (sensuality, art, passion, etc) comes along and focuses my attention for a time. This is when I really start to feel how intense I can be. My mind is still working at the same speed, but instead of jumping around from thing to thing inside and waiting for other people to catch up, it's almost entirely focused. It feels good — REALLY GOOD — but it certainly takes some getting used to.

With the right intoxicants and in the right situations, my mind can slow down enough to allow me to enjoy several things at once and take in an entire situation in the same way that I see most people doing most of the time. It's not that I don't enjoy what I'm doing or the conversations I'm having when in my normal state, because I do. It's just that my mind works through things quickly by default and it requires a lot of energy to slow it down. Like a good meal, I can still enjoy life when taken in small, fast bites, but it doesn't taste the same as it does when I chew slowly and savor each bite.

So, I need to work on focusing more of my attention and intensity inwards. This will help me to decrease my expectations from others and will lead me to be less disappointed on a regular basis. It'll also help me get a more constant feel for how intense I can be.

At the same time, I need to cherish those people who enjoy my intensity and allow myself to be wrapped tightly with them until they've had enough. I need to learn to encourage people to let me know when want the intensity and also to tell me when enough is enough before it becomes too much.

I also need to explore more methods for slowing myself down and focusing myself. I need to seek out more distractions: projects to channel energy into, people to share myself with, art to get lost in, sensuality to center myself with. I need to find people I trust to get into situations I am comfortable with to allow myself more opportunities to enjoy life under the slight influence of intoxicants. And finally, I need to find methods of slowing myself down and focusing internally so that I am able to control myself when I do not have friends to help, distractions to focus me, or chemicals to free me.

It's a long road. This is the first step. If you can help, I'll happily accept it.