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August 11th, 2008:

body cleanse progress

Aug 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
19 comments

The body portion of this Cleanse is going quite well. I’ve also learned that a drastically reduced calorie lifestyle can really make a difference in how I feel.

Pros:

  • I have lots of energy. Lots!
  • My Libido has increased (I guess this is a Pro. Ugh. Send provisions, or at least photos of them! Stat!).
  • I feel lighter on my feet.
  • I am lighter. I’ve lost 5.3lbs since my weigh in Friday morning. Considering that is 3 days time, this means I’ve lost around 1.75lbs per day. (Now you’re more likely to send those provisions.)
  • I am more agile.
  • I am more clear-headed.
  • I am more calm.
  • I have more free time.
  • I feel better about myself.
  • There has been a decrease in Meniere’s Symptoms. I suspected this would happen since I’m certain most of my symptoms are food triggered and I’m now not eating any food.
  • The background mental frustration I often feel is clearing.

Cons:

  • I crave food. A lot.
  • I am more restless (probably because of that free time and my lack of motivation to put it to good use right now).
  • Headaches are still present, though fading. Again, this is quite possibly due to caffeine withdrawl, of which I’ve had none for the past three days.

Unfortunately, I can’t keep eating what I’m eating or I’ll likely die of malnutrition eventually. What I need to concentrate on once the body cleanse is complete is what foods I can eat that will bring me noursihment and energy without reducing any of these positive effects.

I’m still not free my food addiction. I’ve deliberately placed myself in two situations where I was allowed to eat food. (Yes, this means that the body cleanse will take a few extra days to complete, but the mental work involved was worth it.) In both cases I did VERY well. I was in control of what I was eating and how I ate it. I enjoyed the food and the company, but did not stuff myself. The average serving at our table of 6 was roughly 4 times the amount of food I ate on both occasions. However, the cravings are strong enough that, without the determination I have now, I would cave. So, any moment of weakness, high stress, or confusion could send me back into that addiction. I need more work here.

sorting out christmas lights

Aug 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

I’ve taken a hard look at all of relationships I have that I consider important or meaningful. I try to live without expectations of others but, over time, they build themselves up. I believe that I good chunk of my current frustrations is due to these unmet expectations. A good friend of mine put it best. I’d like to quote her in full, because I can’t find a single word worth leaving out.

It’s hard not to have expectations of people, but it’s also an easy path to frustration. The simulated version of our friends that we have our heads will never equate the flesh-and-blood versions who are unpredictable and selfish. I mean selfish in a non-negative way– it’s just a human condition. Each of us only sees the world through our own eyes and have our own interpretations. Sometimes we connect, sometimes we don’t. But we all have our own lives that nobody else will ever fully understand. Not our spouses, not our parents, not our children. Truly, we are all alone. No one will ever understand us fully. But that just makes the connections we have all the more important and beautiful– something precious. Something to strive for, but as much as possible without expectation, because that pressure can distort it.

The difficult part is in the last sentence, “as much as possible without expectation”. First of all, expectations are a necessity. At least in the greater, general society. It is unfortunate that everyone does not give freely of themselves without expectation. However, like the Prisoner’s Dilemma, if everyone does not subscribe, then those who do are taken advantage of. Or, more specifically, I feel taken advantage of. The important thing here is not to get rid of expectations, but to set them at something reasonable. I believe that, perhaps, my expectations are unreasonable.

What I need to sort out is what parts of me I’m willing to give freely to anyone who will take them and what parts of me I require reciprocation for in order to feel good about giving. Just knowing this will help me make sure I don’t get into situations that will make me feel bad.

I also need to sort out which relationships I have that don’t seem to be offering much of what I want. Several of the relationships that I put a lot of myself in to are with people who simply don’t want that kind of relationship with me or are mostly unavailable for anything beyond a very basic relationship. Truly understanding that this is the case and that I should no longer pour myself into such relationships will free me up a lot and reduce frustration.

As a counter-idea to all of this, another good friend of mine said, simply, “I don’t think I could do what you’re doing. It just seems like it would highlight the negatives and bring me down. Why not just focus on the good?”. I just feel that there is so much bad that I have a hard time even seeing the good. So I feel like if I clear the bad away, the good will be more apparent. But maybe she’s right. Maybe another approach is in order. Or, at the very least, a little bit of both.

Still a lot of work to do up here. Your friendship and support really mean a lot. Outside of that all I need is some more time, more distractions, and all the intimacy I can find.