revjim.net

I've taken a hard look at all of relationships I have that I consider important or meaningful. I try to live without expectations of others but, over time, they build themselves up. I believe that I good chunk of my current frustrations is due to these unmet expectations. A good friend of mine put it best. I'd like to quote her in full, because I can't find a single word worth leaving out.

It's hard not to have expectations of people, but it's also an easy path to frustration. The simulated version of our friends that we have our heads will never equate the flesh-and-blood versions who are unpredictable and selfish. I mean selfish in a non-negative way– it's just a human condition. Each of us only sees the world through our own eyes and have our own interpretations. Sometimes we connect, sometimes we don't. But we all have our own lives that nobody else will ever fully understand. Not our spouses, not our parents, not our children. Truly, we are all alone. No one will ever understand us fully. But that just makes the connections we have all the more important and beautiful– something precious. Something to strive for, but as much as possible without expectation, because that pressure can distort it.

The difficult part is in the last sentence, "as much as possible without expectation". First of all, expectations are a necessity. At least in the greater, general society. It is unfortunate that everyone does not give freely of themselves without expectation. However, like the Prisoner's Dilemma, if everyone does not subscribe, then those who do are taken advantage of. Or, more specifically, I feel taken advantage of. The important thing here is not to get rid of expectations, but to set them at something reasonable. I believe that, perhaps, my expectations are unreasonable.

What I need to sort out is what parts of me I'm willing to give freely to anyone who will take them and what parts of me I require reciprocation for in order to feel good about giving. Just knowing this will help me make sure I don't get into situations that will make me feel bad.

I also need to sort out which relationships I have that don't seem to be offering much of what I want. Several of the relationships that I put a lot of myself in to are with people who simply don't want that kind of relationship with me or are mostly unavailable for anything beyond a very basic relationship. Truly understanding that this is the case and that I should no longer pour myself into such relationships will free me up a lot and reduce frustration.

As a counter-idea to all of this, another good friend of mine said, simply, "I don't think I could do what you're doing. It just seems like it would highlight the negatives and bring me down. Why not just focus on the good?". I just feel that there is so much bad that I have a hard time even seeing the good. So I feel like if I clear the bad away, the good will be more apparent. But maybe she's right. Maybe another approach is in order. Or, at the very least, a little bit of both.

Still a lot of work to do up here. Your friendship and support really mean a lot. Outside of that all I need is some more time, more distractions, and all the intimacy I can find.