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September, 2008:

30 answers

Sep 15th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

Here’s the deal: below are my answers to 30 questions. The questions are secret. If you want to know them, you have to agree to do this meme and post it in your own journal/blog/website/email list/whatever. If you’re down for that, drop me a comment and I’ll email you the questions. Wee!

1. Nic
2. Of all the people I talk to regularly today but not counting family, Amanda.
3. For a day? almost anyone. Forever? no one.
4. Cheryl
5. Above all else, myself.
6. Ryan. Jonathan.
7. Laurel.
8. Elizabeth.
9. Emily. Melanie. Melissa.
10. So many of them. So many role models.
11. Myself. Morgan.
12. Jess.
13. Kara.
14. Jet. Joel. (not much, but the closest I can come in my group of friends)
15. Mike. Admit it. He’d look good.
16. Sean.
17. Almost everyone I know, to some extent.
18. No one that I know of.
19. My Dad. Erica.
20. Ryan. Josh.
21. Johnny.
22. Lauren.
23. Um. My actual boss.
24. Mr “Excuse me”.
25. Lots of my friends, actually. Listing them all seems silly.
26. No one.
27. Myself. Gloria. Morgan (I think).
28. Melissa. Melanie.
29. Jess.
30. Hi.

(I really need to start using LJ, MySpace Blog, Facebook Notes, something else for this stuff)

guilty, without charge

Sep 15th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

I regularly feel guilty for things that I do. It’s rarely, if ever, because the person I feel guilty about has done or said something to make me feel guilty. It’s usually not even because of some action someone else took. Most of the time the source of my guilt is contained entirely within the walls of my mind.

I was raised Catholic. Maybe that’s where all the guilt comes from.

I don’t get to see my wife and daughter often enough. With work, sleep, chores, and social expectations taking up the majority of my time (in that order), there’s little left for them. So any time I do anything at all that takes away from time I could be spending with them I feel guilty. It’s not that either of them do anything that makes me feel guilty. I just do. All on my own.

I need to get over it, take some time for myself, and get to the point where I feel good about who I am again. I need more photo sessions; more outings with friends in crazy, crowded bars; more outings with friends in secluded, intimate locations; more hikes; more stargazing; more road-trips; more projects.

The guilt, however, it not entirely without reason. It keeps me in check and makes sure that I’m taking time out for other people too: my wife, my daughter, my family, my friends. It makes sure that it’s not always about me. Because, unfortunately, the people that I love are not always interested and available for the things I want to do.

So that’s what I need now. I need to find a happy medium between satisfying my own needs and catering to the needs of those I love without feeling so guilty and stressed and, eventually, depressed, that I end up doing neither.

flirtation’s end

Sep 13th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

I’ve lost my way. I’m lacking inner peace and my sense of self-worth is being destroyed. I’m fighting my way back, but it’s going to be a long battle.

(There’s a long story behind most of this, as there always is with me. Most of it doesn’t really speak to the point I’m trying to make, so I’m going to skip over it.)

For quite some time now, my need for external validation has gone from nearly none at all to a point where I almost can’t function without it. I believe that external validation is a good thing in many cases. Without it, we’d all be that horrible singer everyone laughs at on American Idol. But, as with anything, there’s a line.

Lately, this need has coupled itself with my natural tendency toward flirtation and sensuality. Again, this is not a bad thing on it’s own. However, with the intensity that fuels this need, when it isn’t received it tends to have a terrible effect on me. It leads to depression, decreased self esteem and a big long list of other really bad things.

The point I’m trying to make is that I need to cool it. I need to release the bond I’ve made internally between flirtation and validation. And, until I can get control of it, the easiest way to ensure this is to turn it off.

If you are someone I’ve hurt or offended because because of my recent behavior, I’m truly sorry. I may not even realize I’ve hurt you. Please let me know if I have.

If you’re one of the few people that actually enjoys my flirtatious nature, please don’t take offense if you find it lacking. If you want it back all you only need to poke me a few times and be willing to flirt back.

Slowly, but surely, I’ll make it. And I’m surrounded by some incredible friends who are helping to make that possible.

a survey: killing time

Sep 12th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

(stolen from Gloria)

What is in the back seat of the car right now?
a carseat base, a baby harness, a baby sling, some baby toys, some trash

Name 3 people who you talked to today?
Like REALLY talked to: Elizabeth and Mel.

What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Working. Just like I’m doing at 8am almost every morning.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Driving home from Flavor Tripping with 15 or so friends.

What is your favorite board game?
Kill Dr. Lucky.

What is the last thing you yelled aloud?
“My Balls!”

What is the best ice cream flavor?
mint chocolate chip

What are you wearing right now?
I’ll show you if you show me.

What was the last thing you ate?
The aforementioned Miracle Fruit along with a few lemon wedges, a strawberry, a raspberry, a sour patch kid, some watermelon, a piece of beef jerky (yuck!), and some pickled okra (extra yuck!).

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
not this week

Whats the last sporting event you watched?
on TV, Wrestling on Tuesday night. In person, a ranger game several years ago.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Montana. Or maybe Alaksa. Or possibly Egypt.

Who is the last person you sent a message on myspace, facebook, livejournal, email, text message, IM?
Angie, Ramona, Jennifer, Morgan, Emily, Elizabeth

Ever go camping?
Last weekend. Hoping to go at least two more times before the end of the year.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Nothing unintentional.

Are you someones best friend?
Probably not.

Look to your left, what do you see?
Two computers, a laptop, and a large pile of wires.

What color is your watch?
Brown and silver, but I rarely wear it.

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Awesome accents.

Do you have a dog?
I wish.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Sadly enough, my Boss. I clearly need more phone friends. Volunteer?

Have you met anyone famous?
Some musicians.

Any plans today?
The day is almost over. But, tomorrow, sunrise photos of Ike, a Mojito Picnic Party, and then a birthday party at my Dad’s.

Are you happy?
Right this moment, not really. I’m too nervous and concerned and thought-filled to be happy.

Where are you right now?
In my office.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
I’ll steal Gloria’s on this one: When someone can’t just say, “NO, thanks, I’m not interested,” like a grownup instead of ignoring me.

Also, my dependence on other people.

Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes. Several people. Nic, most of all.

Is anyone jealous of you?
Highly unlikely.

What time is it?
11:26pm

Do any of your friends have children?
Yes. Lots of them do.

What do you usually do during the day?
Work. I wish I could say otherwise.

Do you hate anyone right now?
I strive not to hate. Right now, I’m doing a good job at that.

Do you use the word “hello” daily?
More than likely, yes.
How many kids do you want to have?
I’m okay with 1. I could handle 2 or 3 as well. 4 is probably too many.

How did you get one of your scars?
Running into a fence with an ATC.

this past week

Sep 4th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

When did all you people start actively using LiveJournal/Blogs again? It’s going to take me forever to catch up since I haven’t checked in over a week. It’s nice to have some insight into all of your lives again, though, so I’m not complaining. Just need to remember to check more often. Here’s my take on recent events.

Last Monday sucked. Really bad. I’ve been stuck in a bout of self-pity brought on by feelings of being excluded and trapped there because of the proximity of those lives to mine. I’ve still got a way to go, but I’m fixing it. I’ve had a few decent people offer some awesome advice and that’s making a difference.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and part of Friday were just aftershocks from Monday. Not good. On Friday I decided to stop caring about the people that were hurting me and start living for myself and enjoying the things that I had. This was the best decision I’ve made in months — maybe even years. Despite a few small relapses when I happen to look too closely, I’ve been doing well with this so far.

Friday night was fun. A few drinks. A few friends. A little flirting. We all stayed up way too late.

Saturday was quite awesome. Not only did the Rushes throw an awesome party, but it was filled with lots of my favorite people as well as many of the new people I’m growing to like so much. I got to see many of the people I care about partake in very happy moments with one another, and that just makes me feel good. Despite the fact that Mr “Excuse Me” was he usual rude self, his wife is now nothing but nice to me when he’s not around and that feels good. The baby even managed to sleep at the party (despite the increasingly tone deaf karaoke in the next room) which meant that Jess and I both got to stay for the whole thing. Hooray.

Sunday was fairly low key. Spent some time at my parents, then met up with Johnny for coffee. Came home with the intent on drinking some more and realized we were all simply too tired to go on.

Monday started out VERY early and sad. I really wasn’t ready for Mel to leave. I’ve known her for 5 years but didn’t really get to know her until this past week. Once I did, I simply didn’t want her to go. After seeing her to the airport I met up with my dad for sunrise photos. I did some shopping, came home and made a pasta salad, and headed to Skwids for BBQ, Rock Band and friends.

Tuesday and Wednesday have been typical work days. Nothing too exciting there.

Today (Thursday) and tomorrow I have a few big projects at work that have to be wrapped up. On top of that I have to pick up a load of firewood (still not sure how), and make sure everything is ready to go for camping this weekend which I’m very excited about. 15 or so good friends, two nights, lots of fun, and Jess’ birthday on top of it all.

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