because a Reverend can't be wrong.
I was important.
I was not alone.
I had you.
I left.
I felt lonely.
I felt insignificant.
I was without you.
Looking behind me, I see
Though I was not alone,
I was lonely still.
Though I was important,
my importance was trivial.
Looking ahead, I see
I am alone,
though unlonely.
I am unknown,
thought my importance is significant.
Lonely has no opposite.
Roughly 10 years ago, I caught a disease. A disease of the mind. Something that wiggled it’s ways into the folds of my thought and slowly and persistently injected increasingly invalid thoughts into my brain. Thoughts that cause me to believe that I should be abused. That I should be the guy that always did things for people. That I should be the person who always went out of his way to maintain friendships that were one-sided, failing, distant, or unavailable. That I should be the guy to bear the guilt when relationships didn’t work out or when people didn’t get what they wanted from me in the way that they wanted it.
And slowly but surely it’s led me to have the self-destructive, guilt-ridden thought processes that I have today.
No more.
While there are certainly some abusive, using relationships that I’ve maintained, that is not the bulk of the problem. Thankfully, I hadn’t gotten that bad yet. The majority of my problem centers around my continued support and attempts at development of relationships that are either one-sided, or unavailable.
It’s important to note that I don’t blame these “friends”. They aren’t bad people. In some cases, yes, they were willing to take what I was giving even though they knew they were offering nothing in return. But, it doesn’t make them bad people. In most cases, it’s simply a matter of their time and energy resources being stretched too thin to support me being as close a friend as I had being trying to be. My mind, being broken, refused to let these friendships drift away as they should have. Instead, I pulled harder and made myself even more available. An invitation of any kind from them was seen as a spark and all efforts would be made to accept that invitation. If I accepted it, it often led to the guilt of having to put other things on the back burner. And in the event that I couldn’t accept, I was faced with the guilt of saying “no”.
So it’s time for a change.
this one last mistake
At this point, this change is very active and prominent in my mind. Unfortunately, having active thoughts about relationships that should be left to drift away is a bit counter productive. The easiest way to fight this is to focus my mind on other things. Here’s how:
Don’t think that I’m going away — it’s not like that at all. You may see less of me than you’re used to. If you want more of me in your life, all you have to do is say something. In fact, in many ways for a lot of you, I’ve been pretty distant for the past month or so anyway, so you may not even notice a change.
I feel good about this and I can really use your support. I don’t want you to fix me. I just want you to be there.
I did this.
I ain’t did this.
Kinda dun it.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo
(more…)
Celeste will be 11 months old tomorrow. Time is flying by and I feel like I’m missing so much of her life. It’s not that I haven’t been there for nearly every new and interesting moment, it’s just that I lose track of when they happened. For instance, she can climb stairs now. But I can’t remember how old she was the first time she did it. It feels like just a week or two ago, but maybe it was longer.
As far as what I’ve documented online of her life I really have dropped the ball. At the very least my intent was to take a portrait of her once a month. While I’m sure I’ve taken at least one photo of her each month, I didn’t get the portrait I wanted. There just isn’t enough free time. Even though I feel like even that is an excuse.
Regardless of all that, she’s happy, and healthy, and growing so big I can hardly believe it. In case I missed something, here is a list of things she can do now:
As he was absorbed into the dark, distant night
he knew this would be the last time
he’d watch her walk away.
Yet still he held on as tightly as he could
to the one piece of her that was left.
OneWord // Held
I am surrounded by clatter and commotion.
The clang-crash of pots and pans
falling from the cupboard to the floor
as I look further back.
Despite the noise, I am seeking.
The click-scrape of plastic parts
forgotten far in the back,
each corner forcing a new worry.
Despite the noise, I write while driving
because it feels good to feel.
I will teach nine years of love
followed by nine years of cunning.
And she will not be ill-equipped
As I am.
A faked smile from the girl
that makes my coffee.
I will surround myself in this.
I will absorb these beautiful things.
I will hold them close and forever
as paper sucks up ink into its fibers.
Even if they are make believe.
I need a love to help me find my way
I need a strength that I cannot betray
I need a word to say what I can’t say
I need a lover-Cherry / The Smashing Pumpkins
It really hard to sum up a weekend like this in a word or two. I’m inclined to say “it was a good weekend” but there’s really so much more than that.
I’m at a time right now where “loneliness” is the overwhelming feeling. I feel alone, and important, and, at times, betrayed. It doesn’t feel good. In a time like this, two days alone on the road isn’t exactly a good idea. It’s not exactly a bad idea either, though.
So there it is.
The drive was nice. The weather was chilly, but also nice. Two of the four state parks I visited were nothing short of breath taking. I can still close my eyes and feel both in awe and at peace. The other two were quite nice as well. I read quite a bit, which I enjoyed. True, raw bits of nature really excite me. As does exploring new places and new things. I only wish I had someone to share it with.
In all of my time spent driving and walking and thinking — always thinking — I did learn a few things, which I guess makes it all worthwhile in the end.
#1. I am responsible for my own happiness. As much as I’d like to be able to lean on my friends, my family, and my wife for happiness, when all else fails, I’m still left with myself. I am my own last resort.
#2. I am responsible for no one other than myself, the child I brought into this world, and any commitments I have made until they are either fulfilled or broken by someone else.
#3. While there are plenty of things (friends, sex, drugs) in this world that can make me feel better, relying on them will only lead to absolute breakdown when they are unavailable when I need them most.
So yesterday I claimed I was going to Lost Maples.
Ha ha hahaha. Just kidding.
Lost Maples an 8 hour drive for me, each way, and I’ll have to do it alone which exactly what I don’t need right now. Additionally, right now on weekends, Lost Maples has a 3 hour way to get in. So Lost Maples is out.
I had started making plans to head toward Arkansas for the weekend, but I just couldn’t work it out to where i was happy. Then the best plan ever finally hit me. I’m headed for central Texas including Colorado Bend State Park.
Here it is. Times are rough because, hell, it’s a road trip. (view route on Google Maps)
SATURDAY
5:00am: Leave Home
7:00am: Arrive at Cleburne State Park (Cleburne, TX)
* Enjoy Cleburne State Park
9:00am: Leave Cleburne State Park
10:30am: Arrive at Lake Whitney State Park (Whitney, TX)
* Enjoy Lake Whitney State Park
1:30pm: Leave Lake Whitney State Park
3:30pm: Arrive at Mother Neff State Park (Moody, TX)
* Enjoy Mother Neff State Park
* Sunset
6:00pm: Leave Mother Neff State Park
7:00pm: Arrive at hotel in Killeen, TX
* Dinner
SUNDAY
4:45am: Get ready
5:15am: Leave Hotel
7:00am: Arrive at Colorado Bend State Park (Bend, TX)
* Enjoy Colorado Bend State Park
11:00am: Leave Colorado Bend State Park
* Lunch
3:30pm: Arrive at Mineral Wells State Park (Mineral Wells, TX)
* Enjoy Mineral Wells State Park
6:00pm: Leave Mineral Wells State Park
8:00pm: Arrive Home
TokBox is a website that provides video chat services, also known as webcam services. Yes, it’s true, just about every instant messaging platform already does this: Skype, Windows Live Messenger, Yahoo Messenger – even Google Talk does video chat now. On top of that, there are already so many sites providing video calling and conferencing like UStream, Stickam, Justin.TV and others. So why, in this over saturated market of video chatting, calling, conferencing, and other unmentionable video acts would you choose TokBox over the rest? Read on.
First of all, TokBox requires no installation. You can simply visit the TokBox website and it will log you in, alert you to calls, show you a list of your friends, and allow you to leave public and private video messages. However, if you’d prefer to have an installed client, TokBox offers an Adobe Air based install that sits in your task tray and acts just like you’d expect it to.
Secondly, for calling existing users of the service, TokBox does not require an account. For instance, I have an account. If you visit my TokBox page you will see the option to call me or leave me a video message even if you don’t have a ToxBox account. Go ahead. Try it. I’ll even put a shirt on for you, just in case. This makes it very easy to include a link on your website, or send one via email to your mom or grandmother. They don’t have to jump through signup hoops, or do anything more than click the big fat button that says “VIDEO CALL”. And, if you’re not available, it’ll let them leave a message. No install. No signup. No nothing.
It supports video conferencing. This is fairly unique to TokBok. Stickam allows for multiple users to talk and view each other, but it’s done under the pretense of video chatting in the room of a particular user. Other services like UStream and Justin.TV allow you to broadcast to whoever is willing to watch which can be manipulated to act like video conferencing if you’re that dedicated, but it’s not quite the same. TokBox does it easy and simply. It’ll even let you invite non-TokBox users to the conference. You’re provided a URL that, when used, will bring participants right into the group, no account required.
Finally, because it’s just a URL that you visit in a web browser, it works anywhere. Paste the link to your buddy on MSN or Google Talk. Email it to someone. Twitter it. Put it on your blog. Whatever.
There is one subset of Video Chatting that TokBox doesn’t work well for. If you’re into broadcasting live video to many viewers who will not be actively participating in conversation and providing a video stream, you probably want UStream, Stickam, or Justin.TV. This is true even if some of them will be sharing video back or will be participating in typed conversation but you desire the conversation to be one-on-one.
So check it out. Visit TokBox and sign up for an account or visit my TokBox page and see how it works before you commit.