I need a love to help me find my way
I need a strength that I cannot betray
I need a word to say what I can't say
I need a lover-Cherry / The Smashing Pumpkins
It really hard to sum up a weekend like this in a word or two. I'm inclined to say "it was a good weekend" but there's really so much more than that.
I'm at a time right now where "loneliness" is the overwhelming feeling. I feel alone, and important, and, at times, betrayed. It doesn't feel good. In a time like this, two days alone on the road isn't exactly a good idea. It's not exactly a bad idea either, though.
So there it is.
The drive was nice. The weather was chilly, but also nice. Two of the four state parks I visited were nothing short of breath taking. I can still close my eyes and feel both in awe and at peace. The other two were quite nice as well. I read quite a bit, which I enjoyed. True, raw bits of nature really excite me. As does exploring new places and new things. I only wish I had someone to share it with.
In all of my time spent driving and walking and thinking — always thinking — I did learn a few things, which I guess makes it all worthwhile in the end.
#1. I am responsible for my own happiness. As much as I'd like to be able to lean on my friends, my family, and my wife for happiness, when all else fails, I'm still left with myself. I am my own last resort.
#2. I am responsible for no one other than myself, the child I brought into this world, and any commitments I have made until they are either fulfilled or broken by someone else.
#3. While there are plenty of things (friends, sex, drugs) in this world that can make me feel better, relying on them will only lead to absolute breakdown when they are unavailable when I need them most.
