PREFACE
I’d like to preface these words by saying that I don’t have all the answers. I don’t even pretend to have all the answers. If I speak like I know what I’m talking about, it’s only because that’s the only way my mind will let me believe it. I write these words both to learn and to educate. They are not meant to be taken as truth. Instead, they should be seen as a starting point for discussion.
Furthermore, it should be noted that if you believe differently than I do or take another approach toward yourself and parenting than I do, it doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person, or that you’re doing yourself or your children harm by doing so.
I was raised in a fashion far different than I am raising my child and, arguably, I turned out pretty damn good.
INSTINCT
Instinctually, we are very different creatures than what society expects of us. Take, for example, the simple nature of waiting.
In the wild — i.e. in a place where mankind exists without technology and the effects of prior intellect — man simply doesn’t wait. Sure, if there is a bad storm, man may wait for it pass before starting a journey. And man must wait for a fire to grow before he can use it as a heat source. But this waiting has natural reasons that make clear sense and the time in between can be occupied doing nearly any other activity man desires.
Now compare this to modern day society. Imagine it’s 2 in the morning. You’re at a red light at an intersection at which there are no other cars, neither moving nor stopped. And you’re waiting for the light to turn green. There is no natural reason for you to wait at that light. The fact that you do is a product of societal conformity replacing instinct. And the longer that light stays red, the more instinct flashes back to us. Despite the fact that society says it’s very wrong to run a red light, most of us wouldn’t wait more than 10 minutes before proceeding anyways. And, in many cases, doing so with either fill us with anger, or relief, or exhilaration. Maybe all three.
And we wait for so many things.
SOCIETY’S RULES
Society has a set of rules that we are always trying to skirt around. For instance, you must be awake at a certain time, presumably for work or school. And you must get a predetermined amount of sleep. Therefore, you must go to bed at a certain time even if you aren’t tired. Thus sayeth the people.
You can’t see your friends and family whenever you want. If you have the day off, you can’t go to work with your friend and talk with him as he does his job.
We sleep alone. If you’re lucky enough to be involved with someone who is willing to share a bed with you, then you can sleep with them. Even if you’d rather sleep side by side with your friend every night in a purely platonic way, you simply can’t do so. It’s weird. And your friend will probably find it to be weird too since he likely conforms to this same societal tenant.
The list goes on and on.
ADULTS AND CONFORMITY
Barring cult life, communes, anti-social behavior, hermitage, and the like, every human must conform to societal requirements. Not in full, but in enough ways to be considered acceptable. We must be able to give the illusion of conformity when required.
Our happiness, in part, stems from our ability to balance our natural instincts with societal conformity. If we can manage a balance, we’ll manage to be moderately happy even when conforming and only moderately unhappy when forced far from our natural desires.
Many people surround themselves with like-minded friends who share their desires. This allows them to express greater amounts of instinctual behavior during times when conformity is required less. But even then, there are some aspects of desire that often remain hidden or unexpressed for fear that they are just too far off. Over time, the “well adjusted adult” manages to almost entirely suppress those desires so they cease to be desires any more.
The more our instincts are nurtured, the more likely we are to exhibit behavior based in them.
As we get older, hold higher positions, have children who are demanded to conform, engage with other parents, and form business relationships, and everything else we do as adults, we have a natural tendency to let more and more of our instinctual behaviors fade to make room for our conformity.
CHILDREN AND CONFORMITY
If you’re like me, you want to raise your child in a fashion that allows her to express her utmost desires. You want to provide her with everything she needs, even if it’s a perceived need, and many of the things she wants.
This means picking her up when she cries. This means letting her play in the Tupperware cabinet. This means holding her during long walks instead of forcing her to sit in a stroller as she tugs at her seat belt. This means sleeping side-by-side with her instead of making her sleep in a room all by herself. And so much more.
Take co-sleeping, for example. As adults, we know that it’s perfectly safe and fine to sleep alone. Perhaps we even enjoy it. If we don’t, we at least manage to accept it as the way things are. But children are not born with this understanding. Human beings are very social animals. A child waking up in a dark room all alone can be a very alarming experience. Yet you also know that, thanks to this society, at some point in life she’s going to have to learn to sleep alone. Even if you were willing to keep her in your bed until she was married, her future husband may find that to be creepy due to his own societal conformity.
SEEKING CONFORMITY
With rare exception and to varying degrees, every parent desires that their child be able to co-exist with society. This, therefore, requires that your child learn to conform. How conformity is taught is really the issue.
Some parents believe in bringing children to conformity as soon as possible. Sometimes this is out of need as is the case with single parents requiring outside help to care for their children. Sometimes this is out of desire to regain some of our own adult freedoms and detach our children from us enough to allow us to seek the things we want. Other times this is due to our own societal programming. And sometimes, it is done simply because we think that is what is best to ensure the best possible life for our children.
What to do before your child is able to conform, when to encourage conformity, and how to do so is both important and highly debated. Some believe in “tough love”. Some opt for letting them “cry it out”. Some parents spank. Others do “time outs”. Some parents let their children do whatever they want whenever they want. Some parents bargain with their kids — “I’ll give you ice cream if you eat another bite of Brussels sprouts”. Some blanket train — like the Duggars. Some have set schedules. Others allow their children to set their own schedules. Some parents lead their children to learn. Others let their children lead them. Some leave most of the teaching to people with teaching qualifications.
If you’re like me, you desire to teach your children conformity in moderation. You want to minimize the alarming experiences your child is required to endure. If you can’t remove them entirely, then you want to present them in as slow and as careful a manner as possible to allow her plenty of time to adapt. You want to delay each required conformance to as late in life as you can without affecting her ability to function in the parts of society that are important to her. And you believe that doing this is so very important that you’re willing to make great personal sacrifice to provide her with it.
There are some studies that show that the approach I seek produces more adaptable and independent children. It is the basis behind “Attachment Parenting”. A book, “The Continuum Concept”, was written somewhere around 1970 that describes aboriginal societies and presents the idea that their lack of technology and prior intellect, and their freedom to follow their instinct leads them to be a happier, more adjusted, more free society. If you are at all interested in learning the hows and whys of this line of thought, I encourage you to read “The Continuum Concept” and to seek materials on “Attachment Parenting”. Or, as always, feel free to contact me for more information on why I have chosen as I have.
NURTURING CONFORMITY
In the end, when my child is much, much older, I hope that she will understand the difference between instinct and conformity. I hope she will be free enough to be herself when she can and yet not find conforming to society when required so off putting that she would seek anti-social behavior instead.
I believe the best way to bring this about is to nurture her instinct into conformity. This means starting out by encouraging her instincts. Holding her when she wants to be held. Feeding her when she wants to be fed. Often letting her eat wherever she wants to eat. Letting her play with what she wants to play with and setting up an environment that contains very few items that she cannot play with. Letting her try her own independence by trusting her to venture away and come back with increasing distances.
As the instinctual pattern is established, elements and instances of conformity are also introduced, slowly at first. Perhaps this means visiting a restaurant and keeping your visit there to under 20 minutes. Then slowly increasing the time to the full hour or more often required for Friday night dining out. This means getting your child to help you clean at first (even if she uncleans immediately afterward) and slowly bringing her to be able to clean by herself and then, eventually, to clean as she goes. This means getting her to sleep by herself, in unfamiliar places, and to go to bed without more than 10 minutes of songs, books, and hand holding. Slowly at first. Perhaps moving her to her own bed one she’s asleep in yours and letting her come back to your bed when she wakes. Perhaps letting her fall asleep by herself on weekends when there isn’t a schedule to conform to. Eventually, the goal is that she’ll be able to sleep anywhere and be put to bed by almost anyone. This means talking to her every time it’s time to leave her, explaining where you’re going and when you’ll be back, and comforting her that there will be other people to care for her while you’re away. She will, no doubt require more comfort along these lines in the beginning.
The specifics on exactly how to get from an instinct driven child to a conforming child are foggy. It’s one of those things that I’m learning by trial and error. At this point, I’m content with nurturing her need to act instinctually and yet encouraging independent behavior. I’ve also found that merely expecting her to act appropriately and treating her as though she will often yields that result. Not always, but often. Basically, I have great respect for her as a human being as well as her natural instincts to explore, to be cared for, to be comforted, and to be social. I believe that if I can continue to keep those ideas in mind, we will eventually find a pattern that works for us.
I know that, at some age she’ll be able to understand the need to act differently in different situations. I’m certain I had a grasp of that concept by age 10 — probably sooner. The idea is to allow her to understand that there are two realities. There is the way we act when we can do what we want and have the time to do so, and the way that we act when we have societal obligations to meet.
EMBRACING INSTINCT IN ADULTS
An important aspect of being able to nurture conformity in children is understanding our natural instincts. Because we live in a world where conformity is expected, sometimes we forget how it is to be driven by our instincts.
Therefore, I think it’s important that we spend some time getting back to “basics”. Either on our own, with other adults, or with our children as they do.
This means allowing ourselves time to play, just because we want to. This means spending more time outdoors where nature’s natural energy will bring us peace and comfort. This means allowing physical contact with other adults that might otherwise be taboo (holding hands, lap sitting, long hugs, sitting closely on the couch). Not in a sexual way, but in a comforting way. This means finding things to explore and then doing it. This means breaking things just because it’s fun. This means letting the rain get us wet. This means staying up later than we should and then getting up early the next day just because.
If we can embrace the instincts and nuture the conformity in both children and adults, I think we will find a happy medium in which to live our lives. And if we can convince other people to do the same, I think society as a whole will be made better.
