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April, 2009:

weekend plans

Apr 30th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Here are my plans with Celeste for the weekend. As almost always, you’re welcome and encouraged to join me or suggest better plans. And, as almost always, most of this is just a general guideline and then I play it by ear.

Friday Evening: None (movie night? play date?)

Saturday Morning: Play at the Park

Saturday Day: Friend’s Birthday Party (invite only)

Saturday Evening:  “May Day” Celebration (?)

Sunday: Visit my parents and/or Cottonwood Arts Festival in Richardson (?)

Let me know if you’d like to join me.

corresponding paths

Apr 30th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I miss Celeste a lot today. It’s easy to list hundreds of reasons why I’d feel this way, but nothing in particular jumps out as any different than any other day. I just do. More so than usual.

I think maybe it has to do with the way we said goodbye last night.

Jess had her for the evening and I stopped at Jess’ place just to visit for a bit. Celeste was already a little on the cranky side. Jess didn’t feel like cooking so we went out to eat. Being confined to a restaurant tends to make her even more cranky. Then we went back to Jess’ place and hung our for a bit. I got to play with her some but she was really irritable and very clingy to Jess. Eventually, Jess decided it was time for her to go to bed. Celeste didn’t like the idea so my goodbye was said through tears and whines.

on the way down

Of course, this happens when she is with me from time to time too. It’s not unusual. But the difference is, when I put her to bed on a cranky day I can cuddle her and sing her songs and play games until I know she is happy and everything is right with her world again. And when she wakes up in the morning and I can see that big smile on her face as she feeds me pretend crackers that she continues to pretend break off of a drink coaster. Even if it’s a rushed, mad dash, 30 minutes to get her awake, dressed, fed, and out the door, there’s enough time in there to just be and find that strand of peace between us.

So I guess I feel this way because I never got that peace in the end. I never got to feel like everything came back to center. Our lives — mine and Celeste’s — are, of course, very different with very different paths. Yet those paths are laid close to one another now, straying only slightly and crossing often. As we both grow our paths will take us different places but, hopefully, still cross as often as possible.

Last night, I never got the feeling that we reconnected and are back to corresponding points on our respective paths. I feel like one of us needs to slow down and the other speed up until we can meet there again. I just need that reassurance.

Jess has her again tonight, so it looks like it won’t be until Friday afternoon that I can see Celeste again and find that peace in her smile.

a plan without a plan

Apr 15th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I tend to get easily overwhelmed when there are too many things that need to be done and no clear direction on which need to be done first. It’s almost like my brain is unable to simply choose one and do it, so it somehow tries to do them all at once resulting in absolute meltdown.

Take my house for instance. Not being able to make a choice regarding selling, renting, or staying, I was actually working out all three options in my head all the time. I was making plans with my dad to come out and help install hardwood when I didn’t even know if I was going to be staying here. I was contacting realtors to try to rent the place out, and I didn’t even know if I was leaving.

This happens the most with more menial tasks like housework. I’ve got this huge pile of stuff to do that I can attack at any angle as well as lots of little piles of non-housework stuff. There are no flashing arrows that say “YOU ARE HERE” and so I just stare at it in frustration and do nothing.

I think I’ve found something to help combat this. Even though I make lists compulsively, I rarely actually follow them because just the act of list making itself embeds what needs to be done in my brain. It seems simple but, taking 30 seconds out ahead of time and making an arbitrary choice regarding what I should be working on next makes a huge difference.

Doing so leads to another problem though. I’m obsessive as well. If I tell myself to do “laundry” I’ll scour the house and make sure every single piece of laundry that ever existed is entirely washed, dried, and put away properly. This isn’t exactly good because the rest of the house just gets worse and worse as I dump all my priority into that one item.

What I need is to multi-task, and it isn’t something I do very well unless the tasks being performed have natural periods of down time. So I decided to force it on myself with the use of a timer. It works like this:

In my head I quickly make a list of equal priority items. Then I pick one at random and set a timer. 10-30 minutes usually. I work at that task without looking at the timer until it goes off. When it does, I choose another item at random and start again. I include rest, and fun, and important personal time in as well, so that I don’t forget that I’m allowed to do things I like too. And, of course, the natural priority of things still remains. If that little angel sleeping in the next room wakes up, whatever I’m doing is no longer important and my attention goes to her. Should my clock hit the magical hour at which I need to start getting ready, once again, the priority refocuses.

It’s working pretty well so far. I need to give myself more mandatory time to write and edit photos. So I’ve started including the in the plan. In fact, I have 5 minutes left to work on this entry at which time, if it’s not done, I’ll have to finish it on the next cycle.

It may seem strange to some of you to plan so much of life. And, I’ll admit it even seems strange to me. But, in the end, if it helps me get more done, have less stress, AND have more time to myself and the things that are important without stressing about everything else while I spend that time, then it’s worth it.

Even if you don’t have a personality like mine I think you can benefit from a plan like this. It gives you clear direction, keeps you on task, and forces you to consider what you’re doing before you do it instead of just working at it all haphazardly. It also makes sure you’re taking time out to have fun, relax, and enjoy the life you’re working so hard to make.

once more with feeling

Apr 13th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

So often I feel inadequate in many of the roles I play in life. Right now, more than anything, I’m feeling it as a father.

This past weekend Celeste and I spent a lot of time in the car. Over an hour to drive home Friday night. An hour to run errands on Saturday. Another hour to get to a friend’s house. Another hour to get to my mom’s house. Then to church and back Sunday morning. Plus the hour drive home. I don’t like spending so many good hours with her that way, but people live far from us and generally aren’t willing to drive. So it happens.

I pay as much attention to her as I can while driving. We sing songs and make animal sounds and play peek-a-boo in the mirror. It’s not quality time, but at least it’s something. Still, this alone makes me feel terrible. Like there should be some way I can do better. Sometimes, though, I find myself preoccupied and unable to give her most of my attention. It is these moments that make me feel the worst.

On Saturday there were speed bumps on the way to the house we went to. I said “BUMP! BUMP!” as we went over the first bump. Then got involved in trying to figure out where I was going. Celeste was saying something but I wasn’t really paying attention. It wasn’t until we left and she was saying the same thing again that I listened. She, too, was saying “BUMP! BUMP!” as we went over each speed bump. I felt horrible for not realizing it and encouraging her the first time.

On the way home from my Mom’s house on Sunday she was playing with her Easter basket and some of the plastic eggs in it. I got on the phone with a friend who was having server trouble and stopped paying attention to her. She kept repeating something with importance, but I was busy. When I got off the phone I realized she was just saying “Open” because she couldn’t get the egg she was holding to open and wanted my help. And again I felt terrible.

Last night she went to sleep in my arms, counting the stars on her ceiling and looking at the moon in her room. When she finally fell asleep she was still talking. She was saying “DA DA! Oh Boy! Egg egg egg! OH NO! DA DA!” and so on. It was so adorable I wanted to just lay there and listen and fall asleep too. But I had a car full of stuff to unload, a week to prepare for, laundry to do, and so many little ends to tie up. So I left her in her room, sleeping and talking, and listened on the monitor as I did my chores. I should have just stayed longer. I have no idea how many more moments like that my future holds for me and the fact that I let even one of them go by unrecognized and uncherished makes me feel terrible.

If only I could go back in time. We’d have turned around on that street and done all of the speed bumps again, faster this time, even if we got a speeding ticket. I’d have put my phone on “silent” before I got in the car and pulled over to open ALL of the eggs if that’s what she wanted. And I’d have slept right there beside her until every last word had been spoken and she was sleeping soundly.

(NOTE: I’m not fishing for compliments, and, quite frankly, I don’t know that they would do any good. I know I’m a good father. I just can’t help but wish I could be even better. I wish I could find some way to turn off the responsible side of me more often and just enjoy what I have. That is the greatest quality I seek in friends and lovers: someone who can temper my responsibility with spontaneity and remind me that a life isn’t worth making if it isn’t worth living.)

Poll-ite Company

Apr 10th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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1. Where’s your favorite place to be?
Where ever my daughter is.

If that’s given, then where ever my family/friends (chosen family) is.

If that’s given, then somewhere outside.

If even that is given, then I’d pick some place near a river. Or maybe even where a river and a lake meet. In the mountains. Maybe even in California. Yeah. That’s it.

2. Who’s your favorite person?
Celeste.

If that’s given, then any number of my family/friends could count as my favorite at any given time. A lot of people have been so very good to me. People regularly make me laugh or think. People cover me in kindness and happy thoughts. People offer shoulders to cry on, ears to vent to, long warm hugs, and soft kisses. People bend over backwards to help me when I need it, and encourage my independence when I don’t. My friends and family are amazing people. I don’t know if I can pick just one.

If friends and family are given, then I think I’m gonna go with Obama. Despite people starting to get skeptical about him, I still think he’s awesome and he has my full support.

3. If you must shop, what’s your favorite store to shop in?
Just to browse: IKEA. CostCo.
Electronics: Fry’s.
Clothes: Kohl’s. American Eagle.
Mall: Grapevine Mills.
Household Items, Frozen food, etc: CostCo.
Groceries: Sprouts, Market Street, Central Market.

4. If you turned on your car right now, what would likely be playing?
I think The John Butler Trio. Might be Mountain Goats.

5. BTTW/WTTW (Best/Worst thing this week)
BTTW: The aftermath of Wednesday night’s breakdown.
WTTW: Wednesday night’s breakdown.

Top 3 audio…
Skinny Love — Bon Iver
(Bonus Points to anyone (other than Jess, for whom it would be way too easy) who knows what “Bon Iver” comes from
without looking it up on Wikipedia/The Interwebs)

Who’s my Pretty Baby? — Elizabeth Mitchell (not the actress)

Fireflies — Faith Hill (yes… that Faith Hill. This song is beautiful.)

a time and a place

Apr 10th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I’m getting there. One day at a time. That’s sort of my new mantra. Although sometimes, I have to resort to “one minute at a time”, I can get through.

ON MOVING

My neighbors are the best I’ve ever had anywhere ever. My neighborhood is quite nice and there’s always something going on and people to run into. I’m close enough to stores and shops and things that I enjoy and that fact gets better every day. Although I’m still a ways away from work, Celeste’s daycare is only about 15 minutes out of my way. And, as long as I don’t drive in rush hour, getting her to and from the house is not too bad.

Renting my house out would be a pain in the ass and a financial burden. Having to live in a rented place would also be a slight pain in the ass and, potentially, a financial burden.

I could move, but there’s no clear cut place to go. Keller makes since until my parents leave. And they’ve made it very clear that they are leaving whether I need them or not. Denton makes sense for my lifestyle. Justin (NorthWest of Keller) makes sense for affordable housing and proximity to lots of friends. Carrollton makes sense for being close to daycare and Jess. But each of these options also has a bunch of negatives. Imagine me going to work in Irving, then driving to Carrollton to get Celeste, then driving to Justin. I’d spend so much time driving being close to my friends wouldn’t matter because they’d all be in bed when I got home anyway. And working from home would be nearly impossible.

So… all of that to say I’m staying put. At least until I can sell or easily rent, I have a clear direction on where to live, and I can qualify to BUY the second house, not rent.

Which also means I’m putting in hardwood (or laminate) flooring. It’s not going to happen this weekend. So those of ou who have offered help (for which I am so grateful), I’ll let you know when. Soon though. I’m still trying to source the right flooring for me.

CLEANING IT OUT

My house is in shambles. Like, upside down, crazy messes in every corner. And I want to overhaul it all anyway. I do have a plan of attack. For the big stuff:

  1. Clean the Garage
  2. Prepare shelving in the Garage (my only real place to store anything in this house) to hold any bulk products
  3. Clean Master Bedroom Closet
  4. Clean kitchen cabinets and pantry
  5. Organize and add shelving to Laundry Room
  6. Figure out what to do with the game room (office? living? photo studio? your thoughts?)
  7. Prepare Guest Room (possible office?)
  8. Done!

For the rest of the house, I’m just going one room at a time nice and slow moving the mess away. If it’s stuff that needs to be stored, for now I’m just throwing it in the garage or closet until I get to them. There’s no point in trying to organize something half-assed when I need to overhaul it anyway.

HELP?

Having Celeste running around can make some things almost impossible. Cleaning the garage, for instance, is difficult. It’s too messy and dangerous for her to play in right now. And most of the stuff is too big for me to life while holding her. So, I can only clean it when she’s sleeping. Which means it could take a while.

I’m not really keen on asking people to clean my house for me. But, if you like hanging out and like children and wouldn’t mind providing an extra set of hands to chase Celeste around, I could surely use them. In fact, I rarely turn down the offer for company. Even with little to no notice. So, please, give me a call. I cook well and am always very gracious.

THE IMPORTANT THINGS

I’m slowly learning to re-prioritize myself. When Jess was around it was easy to know that if I wasn’t caring for Celeste then she was. So there was never any question when it came to stuff like “should I pull the weeds when I get home today or not?”. (That doesn’t mean I did it, mind you, but there was a clear indicator on whether or not I should).

These days that’s much different.

I’m learning that I’d rather have my HOA screaming at me for having the worst yard in the neighborhood and a happy, laughing, baby than to have the most beautiful lawn in the world and a kid who plays all by herself all the time, is require to play in a playpen every day instead of the real world, or who cries for her daddy and doesn’t receive his comfort.

This may seem like a simple lesson to you, but my sense of obligation and responsibility is strong. So I find myself very guilt ridden when making choices like this. But I’m figuring it out. Like I said… one day at a time.

CELESTE

My daughter is amazing. Beyond amazing. Not a day goes by that I don’t find myself in awe at how unconditionally I love her and how much she warms my heart and enriches my life. No matter what happens between Jess and I or what kind of relationship we manage to maintain, I will always be grateful to her for bringing this beautiful girl into the world.

day one?

Apr 8th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

(I can’t keep track of what’s supposed to be a secret anymore and what isn’t. Or maybe I just don’t care enough anymore to keep track. All I know is I hate writing in LiveJournal these days, so, this is public.)

I’ve been up since 5am, cleaning, paying bills, and doing chores. I’ve got about 15 minutes free before I have to rush to take a shower, get dressed, get Celeste up, feed her, rush her to daycare and get to work. And I’ve decided to spend them with you. Awww, ain’t that sweet.

Jess moved out this past weekend. Her place is very nice. I was worried about what kind of apartment one could find for what Jess can afford but, it’s actually quite nice and I feel very confident that Jess and Celeste will be safe there.

I got another surprise (to me, not to Jess) visit from my Father-In-Law. He helped make sure Jess was on her feet and I certainly can’t fault him for that, I’d do the same. I’m still not sure why it had to be a secret. Jess decided to go to work on Monday and he was still here and, of course, wanting to see his granddaughter. So I ended up taking Monday off of work to hang out with him and take care of Celeste. It actually wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It wasn’t great either.

I tried to keep as many people around as possible while he was here and while the move was happening but, alas, at midnight or so Saturday night he cornered me alone. I don’t mind talking to him. It’s easier than talking to Jess, actually, because he speaks his mind and he tries to understand. The only bad side is that he is arguing FOR Jess with the bias that a father SHOULD have toward his daughter. Which doesn’t really make him a very good mediator. So, thanks to that conversation my situation is now a little more difficult than it was before he came. But, it’ll all work itself in the end. Maybe even for the better. Only time will tell.

Jess leaving is bittersweet. As I said (in divorce, death, and the afterlife) getting a fresh start is something I’m looking forward to. But there is some sadness there too.

Most importantly, I’m sad about the end of our ability and means to parent Celeste together. Even with Jess and I maintaining very different schedules and me spending a lot of time alone with Celeste, there were still plenty of moments, however brief, that we parented her together. Watching her run back and forth between us with a smile on her face is something I’ll forever miss.

Being able to get even the smallest of things done around the house because there were another set of hands around to care for the baby means more than can easily be explained, too. Even though it only happened once in a while, it was enough to get by and keep things sane.

There’s also a ton of mess left behind. Bedding upstairs that she slept on for one night. Her dad’s bed in the playroom. Boxes and bags full of stuff she hasn’t picked up yet laying all over the master bedroom. A garage full of stuff that needs to be sorted out. A dresser full of clothes. The good side is that, it seems, 80% of the stuff in our master bedroom closet was hers. So, reorganizing that might even be a task I can do with Celeste’s help now.

Finally, I’m worried that we may never be able to tie up the few loose ends we have with our situation. With her in this house, every now and then we got a chance to take and take little baby steps closer to the end. With her being gone, I’m not sure we’ll ever get there. Only there has to be an end. So, I’m not sure what that will take, but I’m sure I won’t like it.

Okay, that’s way more than 15 minutes. Now I’m going to be late. Send love. And, hey, let’s hang out some time.

NOTICE: Oh and if you know of any single moms or dads who would be interested in having a very caring and super awesome roommate (ok… maybe I’m a bit biased there) who would give them an awesome deal on rent and/or pay them for live in nanny services, please have them email or call me. I’m very serious.