I miss Celeste a lot today. It’s easy to list hundreds of reasons why I’d feel this way, but nothing in particular jumps out as any different than any other day. I just do. More so than usual.
I think maybe it has to do with the way we said goodbye last night.
Jess had her for the evening and I stopped at Jess’ place just to visit for a bit. Celeste was already a little on the cranky side. Jess didn’t feel like cooking so we went out to eat. Being confined to a restaurant tends to make her even more cranky. Then we went back to Jess’ place and hung our for a bit. I got to play with her some but she was really irritable and very clingy to Jess. Eventually, Jess decided it was time for her to go to bed. Celeste didn’t like the idea so my goodbye was said through tears and whines.
Of course, this happens when she is with me from time to time too. It’s not unusual. But the difference is, when I put her to bed on a cranky day I can cuddle her and sing her songs and play games until I know she is happy and everything is right with her world again. And when she wakes up in the morning and I can see that big smile on her face as she feeds me pretend crackers that she continues to pretend break off of a drink coaster. Even if it’s a rushed, mad dash, 30 minutes to get her awake, dressed, fed, and out the door, there’s enough time in there to just be and find that strand of peace between us.
So I guess I feel this way because I never got that peace in the end. I never got to feel like everything came back to center. Our lives — mine and Celeste’s — are, of course, very different with very different paths. Yet those paths are laid close to one another now, straying only slightly and crossing often. As we both grow our paths will take us different places but, hopefully, still cross as often as possible.
Last night, I never got the feeling that we reconnected and are back to corresponding points on our respective paths. I feel like one of us needs to slow down and the other speed up until we can meet there again. I just need that reassurance.
Jess has her again tonight, so it looks like it won’t be until Friday afternoon that I can see Celeste again and find that peace in her smile.