breaking horses

(While this is, specifically, about raising children, the same basic struggle can be applied to nearly every action I take and every thought that runs through my brain. Internal conflict abounds.)

There is a fine line between letting a child be a child and letting a child run wild. Or, put another way, there is a fine line between controlling a child and directing a child. Even at my daughter’s young age of 17 months I feel this. Every day.

On one hand, I want to clear everything dangerous and harmful from her path, even if it means personal sacrifice doing without things I enjoy. And then just let her run free. Let her explore and investigate everything with no restrictions. I want to answer questions, provide guidance, bring comfort and love, and never EVER have to use the word “No”.

On the other hand, I want my daughter to grow up to be a fully functioning (yet independently thinking) member of society. This means understanding that one cannot have everything they see. That, often, the answer is, indeed, “No”. And that, no matter who you are, where you live, or what you do, there is always someone you must answer to. Modern society provides a lot of amazing, wonderful, life enriching, life extending things. But, they are bittersweet when the come with such a cynical ceiling.

I don’t know anything about horses. So it won’t do any good to nit-pick at the finer points of this argument. But, to me, preparing a child for society almost feels like breaking a horse. You have this beautiful, wild, untouchable creature. Roaming free, living free, eating free, and existing without any of the benefits that modern society can provide it. Through the process of breaking the horse (by force or trust or whatever) you have a creature, much the same as the original, yet different. This new creature understands what it is allowed to do and what it isn’t. You have a creature that, regardless of why, chooses to obey those rules, at least for now. And that understanding — that seemingly small change — is actually present in every thought and choice that horse makes from that point forward.

It seems to be the same with humans. In the beginning you have nothing but a child: wild, free, somewhat understanding of it’s own bounds, but with no understanding of the bounds society places on it, and no understanding regarding why it should care. And, in the end, you have member of modern day society.

In order to get from the wild child to the upright citizen, there is a process. It is that very process that I struggle with; That very process that makes me sad and, at the same time, proud.

I, of course, take the most gentle approach possible with my daughter — and, if I were in the business of breaking horses, would do the same then, I believe. I seek trust over force time and time again. And I’ve had some great success. However, it doesn’t come without great frustration. I am left wondering if there might be a better way. And I am filled with worry that it might not even be necessary at all. And these things scare me. A lot.

I don’t have any answers. Only questions.