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June 23rd, 2009:

thoughts on moving

Jun 23rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
18 comments

(I’m actively seeking insight and feedback here. It’s a decision where the pros and cons seem to be equally weighted and I’m looking for even the smallest thing that one of you might have to help tip the scales.)

[This conversation has been started else where, so some of this is a cut and paste, and some of it is new information. I'm sorry if you've seen some of this before.]

I tried to rent or sell my house for so long that I just gave up and started settling in: Getting rooms defined to their best purposes, Rearranging furniture to suit me, Putting in hard flooring, Making plans for the back yard.

Now I have someone wanting to rent it.

There are two things that would make my life easier right now:

1) Being closer to C’s daycare and closer to work. This will save commute time, gas money, and toll tag bills.

2) Having a smaller place, requiring less upkeep, utilities, cleaning, and maintenance. This will save energy costs, and cleaning time.

These things are both provided for by moving to Carrollton/Lewisville.

Here are the current arguments.

Daycare

C’s current daycare is one of the best there is, we’re getting it at half price, and C’s mom and I are splitting it. That means I’m paying 25% of the real cost. Considering how expensive daycare can be, this is awesome.

If I’m willing to foot the entire, full-priced daycare bill, I could conceivably find her a daycare closer by which would save myself lots of commuting time on work from home days and a little commuting time on work from the office days.

But, I don’t know that C’s mom would drive her to “my” daycare. Which may mean that she ends up paying more to keep C in “her” daycare and then we’re both spending more than we need to. I’d still have to drive to “her” daycare every other day to get C. On top of all that, it may only piss C’s mom off to find that when before she had a 0 minute commute to pick up C, she now has to drive 60 minutes round trip to get her, at least every other day.

Switching to some other custody schedule in order to limit the pickups and drop offs only means my daughter spends MORE time in day care and I have to go LONGER without seeing her. Which is also not ideal.

Smaller is Better.

C’s bedroom is upstairs. She never sleeps in it and I keep all of her clothes in my room. My office is upstairs. But my bedroom is big enough to hold it as well. I bathe C upstairs, but I could just as easily do it downstairs. We rarely, if ever, use the upstairs balcony. There’s a gameroom upstairs that just collects dust and cat hair.

Celeste has a playroom downstairs. If it were a bedroom instead, it would serve both purposes. If I moved my office downstairs then I wouldn’t need the 3rd bedroom either, unless I had guests sleeping over.

Basically, I don’t need the upstairs on my house. At all. That means that at least 1/3 of my house is absolutely wasted and unused.

If I had a smaller place (say 1500 square feet, or even less), I’d have 1/3 less to clean, 1/3 less to heat and cool, and 1/3 less space to fix when it breaks.

Closer makes sense.

Living in Carrollton/Lewisville (from now on C/L) would take 1 hour off of my round trip commute to my mom’s house, which I make weekly. When my mom moves to Rowlett, it’ll take an hour or so off of that trip too. It would take 1 hour off of my round trip commute to work, which I make 2 or 3 times a week. It would take 45 minutes off of my round trip commute to daycare, which I do 2 or 3 times a week. It would take 15 minutes off of a trip to the grocery store. 15 minutes off of a trip to the doctor. 10 minutes off a trip to C’s doctor. In almost every case I will pay less in tolls if I have to pay tolls at all.

It brings me either closer or make no change in distance to almost every single person I know with a few very important exceptions: my neighbors.

My neighbors.

I have the world’s best neighbors. And I mean neighbors in the plural sense of the word. Multiple neighbors.

I’ve lived in many houses with my parents. I’ve lived in many apartments by myself. I’ve never had neighbors as loving and as caring as the ones I have now.

We sit and talk in our driveways. We visit one another for dinner. We’ve gone out to a lake house together. We’re making 4th of July plans together. We stay up late and drink some nights. They helped me put in flooring. We swap child care tips. They’ve offered many times over to watch Celeste as needed. They drove all the way out to my mom’s place for C’s birthday.

They are amazing people. All 6 adults. All 5 kids. And there are even more neighbors near by that I am close with and might be closer to in the future.

Am I just the luckiest guy on the planet? Or was I just not trying hard enough in the past? I have no idea. But I do know that my neighbors feel like family and leaving them, their company, and the support we offer one another isn’t something that feels good.

Conclusion?

My basic math for moving looks something like this: If I move into an apartment, I’ll save about $200/mo on “rent”, $200/mo on utilities, $200/mo on gas and toll charges, and, on average, about 5-7 hours a week in time. If I can find a house to rent instead of an apartment, I’ll save a little less. This is time and money and energy I can spend relaxing, out with friends, or growing/learning/playing with celeste.

The one compelling argument for staying is my neighbors. Yes… I could still drive up and see them. They are only 30 minutes away from where I’m planning to move. And, if where I move doesn’t work out, I’d be renting my house out, so I could always move back.

And at some point in the future my situation is bound to change. C’s daycare will end and we’ll need to move to a good school district. C’s mom and I will change custody patterns. I’ll get a different job or start working for myself. There are so many options. In that regard it almost seems silly to pack up and move everything just to solve a problem that might solve itself down the road. Then again, 3-4 years is long enough for it to make a difference.

What are your thoughts?

to my health, part II

Jun 23rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
12 comments

(You can file this entry among those that will not be at all interesting unless you have a personal interest in my life and my health and, even then, I’m not making any promises. Yes, I really should find another place online to put this stuff. I know.)

Doctors and doctors and doctors, oh my!

As I mentioned yesterday, I had a bunch of Doctor’s appointments on Monday that led to more appointments and some tests.

I’m seeing a new Chiropractor and Massage Therapist. (Yes, I have friends that do these things professional. But they live/work so far from me. Right now, adding any more commuting to my schedule is just like adding more stress.)

My Primary doctor sent me in for chest x-rays to be certain that I don’t have anything really bad going on since my potential post-infection cough is lasting longer than is typical, but more than likely that’s nothing. She’s got me on two different drugs to help relieve the coughing and open passageways so that the inflammation in my chest will go away and I’ll be able to breathe normally and stop coughing.

My Primary doctor is also worried that I have some sort of GI infection that typical antibiotics help to create an environment that actually HELPS the bacteria. She said that it is very abnormal to have my symptoms for as long as I’ve had them and the throwing up and such from Saturday night is just another indication. So, she’s having me collect stool samples (yes… that’s about as much fun as it sounds) to send for testing. As soon as that’s done I can start a new course of antibiotics that will more than likely be the right one to combat whatever is wrong with me. The stool sample tests will come back in 2 weeks and then she’ll know for sure if she picked the right drug. If not, then we’ll go for course #4.

Those “headaches”.

My PCP also suggested that I see a neurologist which, given my mom’s history, is a super “no no” word for me that sends me into fits of fear. But, I’m trying to be brave. I know that, if any western medical specialist can help me return to normalcy and peace within my own head, a neurologist is probably it.

I’d really rather not use the word “headache” to describe what I feel because so many people use that word that it loses meaning. But it is definitely an ache in my head. Along with it my ears feel full and ring loudly, so loudly that most other sound, unless very low and loud, is distorted to the point that I have difficulty comprehending and any high pitch noises actually disturb me. I lose my ability to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Those of you that understand how my mind works will understand that this means I lose my ability to be me. I become irritable, short tempered, easily confused, and quickly frustrated.

A really bad episode.

I felt so bad for Celeste on Sunday. After throwing up Saturday night and then laying in bed with the shivers for much of the night, I woke up and began drinking as much water and taking as many drugs as I could in hopes that I would feel better before Celeste woke up. I’ve been practicing meditation and calming techniques and I put as many of them as I could muster into practice that morning.

It worked for a while. We had a very good morning. As the afternoon approached the other kids wanted to go outside and, therefore, so did she. This was okay at first. I spent as much time as I could in the shade and trying to relax and just enjoy the day. I made myself focus on nothing other than that which was right in front of me: my daughter. But, eventually, the kids wanted the water slide going too.

Suddenly I’m standing in the blazing sun, lifting Celeste over and over on to the slide, twisting and turning, exciting my vertigo, and even the slightest slow down in pace would start cries for more from her, the very sound of which would drive me to the edge. If there were other kids on the slide, she’d have to wait her turn, which she doesn’t do very well and protests the entire time. If there weren’t, that meant I had to move faster and act quicker. I’m still not sure which of the two I preferred.

Eventually it approached her nap time, she became indecisive and irritable (possibly taking a few cues from me) and we both went down for a much needed nap. We both woke up feeling better. The “outside” portion of the day was over and I was able to relax a bit more and play with her. I managed to focus any remaining irritability inwards or at adults who might actually understand.

All in all, despite the headache episode being one of the worst that I’ve had in a long, long, long time, I think I handled myself well for all but about 10 minutes of it all. Even then, I caught myself and put myself back on a better track, which is good, and something I probably couldn’t have done 6 months ago.

The solution?

Being able to cope with these episodes is only half of the answer. Making them go away entirely would be even better. They’ve been getting worse and worse year after year. I’ve seen doctors for them before and it’s always the same hoops and the same medications and the same dead ends that I grow tired of it after a while and just give up.

But I can’t just walk away this time. There is too much at stake. I’ve got a little girl who needs me and loves me and simply doesn’t understand why her dad can go from Mr Nice Guy to Mr Snippy in 5 seconds flat when all we did is go outside and stand under the beautiful, golden sun.

So I will do what I need to do to let “medicine” have one last fair shot at me. I’ll submit to appointment after appointment. I’ll take more tests. I’ll get back on my allergy shots (which one ENT swears helped his wife immensely). I’ll scrape my own poop into eight tiny little vials and drop it off at the lab like it’s nothing more than this week’s dry cleaning. I’ll take different medications that range from making me woosy, to itchy, to on edge, to sick to my stomach. I’ll keep seeing a Chiropractor even if I have to pay out of pocket because my insurance has decided that 20 visits a year should be enough.

Despite a full time job, looking for new employment, caring for an 18 month old for half of her waking hours, trying to be a good, healthy, social creature, and dealing with all the errands and running around that normal day-to-day life requires, some how, I’ll find time for all of these appointments too.

Down Time vs. Social Time

I also see very clearly now that there is just not enough down time in my schedule week after week. All of you have been telling me this over and over and over. And I’ve taken it to heart in the past and I’ve honestly made some changes. But it’s still just not enough.

I think showing Celeste a good, healthy, social life is very important. She needs to be around other kids, and not just the 11 other equal aged kids in her daycare class. She needs to see adults with adults and kids of all ages. She needs to experience all the little bits and pieces of life and, while she learns A LOT locked into her little daycare room each day, it’s not the same.

Thankfully for me, being social with Celeste also means being social for myself. And I happen to really enjoy hanging out and conversing with other parents. Sure, we talk about parenting stuff which I’m sure can get boring for non-parents. But, we talk about other stuff too. And we have fun. And we build things. And we make art. And we laugh and drink beer. And these are all good things. And I’m doing them with my daughter in a way that’s good for both of us. So that’s even better.

However this also means that, in my current situation, my non-Celeste time is going to have to be used differently. Planning three different crazy things back to back in one evening just because I happen to have the night off is awesome and welcome and totally needed once in a while. And I’m certainly not cutting alone time with my friends and no kids around out of my life entirely. But not every single day that I happen to have off. That’s just too much. I can’t keep up. And I can’t get anything else done.

For instance, I need to start working out. Not because I want to look better (though I do). Not because I need more energy (even though I do). Not because it will really help with my depression (even though it really will). But because I fully believe that lack of exercise has so many unknown effects on the human body. It could be the very cause of my headaches, in fact. Being healthy and active and filled with energy is important and improves every single aspect of life. I think I owe it to myself.

I need to spend more time at home. Or rather, I need to spend less time driving and less time so far away from home. Being far away from home means I have to plan harder, pack harder, drive more, and stress out more. If that means that I’m mostly confining myself to Frisco, Denton, and McKinney, then so be it. I’ll still venture out to Rowlett, or Plano, or Dallas, or the MidCities, or Keller once every week or two. And of course I’m in Irving and/or Carrollton almost every day for either work or daycare. So there’s plenty of opportunity. But it can’t be the norm any more. And I need to stop doing so to see people that are capable of returning the favor and yet don’t. Because that just adds frustration on top of time consumption.

Staying closer to home, planning less, being ready for impromptu adventures, reading more, relaxing more, and letting life just flow more will reduce stress. And that’s sorely needed these days.