to my health, part IV: the revolver

I’m playing that game again where I load a revolver haphazardly with all the different things that might make me feel better and then pull the trigger as fast as I can until I do. Food, drugs, sex, music, sleep, exercise, anything! I just load it up with different combinations and go.

Sometimes it works. Not usually, but sometimes. Of course doing it this way, when it does work I never really know why. But, when I get this desperate, I stop caring about why and just want to feel better. I have money to make and a life to live and a daughter to sing to and friends to enjoy the company of. Laying in bed because the day is too bright or the world is too loud or the ground is too wobbly just isn’t an option. Which is good, because I need fewer options. I just wish I had clearer methods of coping.

I’d really like to stop guessing. I’d like to know that pulling this lever and pressing that button will fix one problem. At this point, aside from sudden death, I don’t even care so much what other things those levers and buttons might be doing, as long as the problem goes away.

Mind over matter, as my new friend Kelly pointed out, is a big thing that helps a lot. Sometimes, truly, I can distract myself enough to let it pass and do the smallest damage possible. But, more often than not, it’s too strong, or life is too steep to let that happen easily. Yet still it remains my best option.

I want more options. So, I’m seeking them.

There are a few things I can control. So I’m going to try them first.

Food.

Celeste eats five times a day. I imagine the less technologically advanced version of myself that lived 2,000 or even 8,000 years ago probably ate whenever food was around. So I’m going to stretch my own food out into 5 snacks and focus on raw foods. This works well since raw food is a good choice for Celeste too. By taking out any risk of chemical or “unknown” ingredients it will also help me determine if there is a food trigger to any of this.

Exercise.

I need more of it. I tend to get lazy in the summer thanks to the heat. I need to ignore that. Drink lots of water and just keep moving. I’m starting the Yoga thing on Wednesday. I want to spend an hour exercising every day that I don’t have Celeste, and at least 30 minutes doing light exercises early in the morning or late at night on the days that I do. So that’s the plan there.

Other things.

Chiropractic Care really helps when coupled with Physical Therapy and especially massage. But my insurance company has decided that 20 visits a year is plenty and I’m now at my limit. I can’t afford $150/week to keep going. So, I have one more visit this week and then I’m done until January. I used to have a Chiropractor (without massage) that worked for $25/visit. I need to see if I can find her again. She was fantastic.

How can you help?

Accupuncture. I’ve never tried accupuncture as a treatment for this. Not a full course, anyway. I know an awesome accupunturist. Sadly, she lives and works quite a ways outside of my circle which means that seeing her on a weekly basis would be less than ideal. Additionally, she doesn’t take my insurance (or at least didn’t last time I checked). But I did manage to find an accupuncturist near my office within my insurance program. So I might give her a shot. But if you have a recommendation, I’ll take it.

Massage. I have found great results with massage therapy. But it isn’t covered at all by my insurance unless it’s walked in the backdoor as part of Chiropractic Care. So, if you know of someone near my home or office that I can afford, I’d love to have that information as well. My neighbor is a massage therapist and I’d happily employ her, but she’s less than a month from giving birth so I’m not comfortable asking.

Herbs. I’ve yet to find an herbal mix that really works. I’ve taken lots of stuff that might work, but it requires continued use to see an effect and, by that time, I never can tell what’s working and what isn’t. If you’re an herbalist or know one, I’ll take any recommendations you have to reduce headaches, reduce muscle tension in the neck, and reduce drainage in the throat.

Blood sugar, sex, magik. You laugh, but I’m serious. In many cases I believe increased blood flow makes me feel better. And, in fact, a lot of the stuff I’ve listed above, in the end, does just that. And blood sugar surely plays a role in that. So I’m experiementing with controlling it to see what effects it might have. If you have reccomendations here, I’d love to hear them. And, it stands to reason that sex/sexuality and magik, which are both exciting, invigourating, and potentially uplifting would serve that same purpose. At the very least, it’ll serve as a good distraction. And I was just listening to “breaking the girl” from that Chilli Peppers album, so, it was stuck in my head.

I just want to feel better. And in the meantime I’m learning how to cope with things when I’m not.