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July, 2009:

and now on to the next

Jul 30th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I’m not one to celebrate a success before it’s time. However, there are some goals that never really finish (like, “quit smoking”, for example). Eventually we have to give ourselves some credit and move on to the next thing. So that’s what I’m doing.

There will be hard days and there will be easy days and most will land somewhere in between. But, I believe I’ve found a happy, healthy, rich method with which to give Celeste the attention and guidance she deserves while still caring for myself and getting the things done that society has made a requirement. It seems as though the very bad days are behind us and that I’ve gotten to a spot where I can quickly adjust based on her mood, my mood, any physical illness, and account for whatever behaviors she’s seen while away from me that may be out-of-line with what I think works best for her and myself.

So hooray for that. Celebrations will be held indefinitely.

And now on to the next.

five words

Jul 28th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

(Morgan supplied me with five words that reminded her of me to write about. Let me know if you’d like me to give you five words. )

Reverend
I include the word “Reverend” in my online Persona (which is really just regular ole me with a bit more courage). Many people have mistaken this to mean that I am a Reverend of a Church. While I am, in fact, a Reverend of a Church, it isn’t the Church that comes to their mind and that’s not what this word signifies for me.

Reverend is defined as “worthy of adoration or reverence”, and reverence, basically, means respect. It’s my not so subtle way of indicating that what I have to say is important and that my words and I should be respected. I don’t mean this in an elitist way. I believe everyone to be worthy of reverence when they take an honest chunk of themselves and cast it out there for all to see, no matter the nature of that work, the medium it’s presented in, or the meaningful nature of it to a particular recipient.

Chaotic
It’s interesting to me that this word was even selected. Chaos is the natural state of everything and, simultaneously, the enemy to all that we’ve built and organized. To be Chaotic is to be pure and raw and elemental; to allow ourselves to attain the most natural state we can imagine. Yet, at the same time, it is destructive. And destruction can be good, necessary even. But at some point, destruction is wasteful and, eventually, irreparable.

Photo
Photographs are a moment in time. A slice of reality with a frame drawn around it and everything else erased. If you compare a photographer to a painter there are equivalents. A painter applies paint, a photographer, however, captures light. A painter applies it to a canvas, while a photographer captures his on some film or a digital sensor. But the tool the painter relies on most is his brush. For a photographer, this tool is four edges. That’s right. The very box that bounds the photo is what changes photography from a technical trade into an art form.

History
History is really the only thing that separates us from monkeys. History allows us to learn, not only from our own mistakes and successes, but from the mistakes and successes of those before us. If someone hadn’t collected and shared the concept of Algebra, for instance, we’d be limited to what one man could figure out in a single lifetime. History brings each of us an opportunity for eternity. And in that same way, the destruction of history is the destruction of that life.

I rarely build something that I don’t intend to keep some aspect of. Even the failed relationships of my past have left me with puddles of goodness. So good, in fact, that many of those relationships have been rebuilt into something even better than they were before.

Fatherhood
This is single most amazing adventure I’ve ever been on. And, in the big picture, it’s only just the beginning. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for the feeling I had the first time that little creature, my own creation — an organic, natural, earthly miracle — wrapped her tiny hand around my finger. I know it’s an instinct and had little to nothing to do with me. But I didn’t care. I was hooked. This little girl would rule my entire world and I would happily let her do so.

weekend recap

Jul 27th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Sometimes I have to go back and read my last entry just to remember where I left off. I have more to say than I have time to write. That’s probably for the best.

Friday

So, as I mentioned last time, Friday was filled with swimming at the lake, Fireworks, and good friends.

cousins

Saturday

Saturday morning we went to the McKinney Farmer’s Market. We had so much fun eating blue berries looking at beautiful produce and walking under the trees. I really like McKinney in general. Maybe I should move there?

Celeste passed out on the way home, which I hadn’t intended to happen until we were on the way to my dad’s. I got her out of the car, put her in bed, did some chores, packed some bags, put her back in the car, and got her 10 minutes away from my dad’s house before she woke up. I must have taken my Daddy-Power pill that morning. Either that or the LuckyLayla‘s Drinkable Strawberry Yogurt C and I shared at the farmer’s market was responsible.

We got to my dad’s and did the birthday thing: mine, my mom’s, and my brother-in-law’s. Birthdays are way different as you get older. Presence becomes far more important than presents, which is as it should be, I think.

the end of the tunnel

After birthday fun, C and I met some friends at Central Market for live music, a way-too-big-for-Celeste playground, and dinner. I let C climb one thing that was just too big for her. She sees all the other kids doing it and she wants to do it too. She did surprisingly well. If it wasn’t for the fact that she just didn’t want to finish and tried to come down the thing backwards, I don’t think I would have had to help her at all.

After dinner, we went over to play with our friends until well after 10 o’clock. Then back to my mom’s house for sleep.

Sunday

I got up before Celeste, played with an Eye-Fi Card (cool product which could be SO much better if they’d hire some decent programmers. more later?), and tried to fight off a headache. Once Celeste got up, we went to the park, went for a nice walk, played on the playground, and had some oranges for a snack. My nieces and my nephew came with us. It was HOT, but, we still need some outside time. A few hours later we went back to my dad’s for a nap.

interesting light

My Dad, who really should open a restaurant, made some awesome slow cooked pork fajitas, then I helped my brother get his iPhone working on T-Mobile (more later?)

For dinner, we met some friends at Cafe Express in Southlake, but not before Celeste and I played for a bit on the big hill just across the street. After dinner we went to the Fritz Park Petting Zoo with our friends. We got rained out and a lot of the animals were not available, most likely due to the coming rain, but we had a great time anyway. It’s awesome how kids can make the most fun out of something so simple. In this case, it was a set of red stairs and a red painted deck. I forgot my real camera at my dad’s, and it was a bit too dark to get anything good with the point and shoot. But I tried.

a blurry TADA!

Driving home took a while as we got stuck in a huge downpour. It’s good though, we need the rain. Hopefully, today will have a bit cooler temperatures thanks to it. Once we got home, C and I fed the cats, watered the plants, went for a walk, took a bath, and went to bed.

Today

I’m going to call C’s doctor this morning and see if I can move her 18 month checkup from tomorrow to today. She’s got a bad cough and some kids at her school have had bronchitis, one of which developed into pneumonia. Other than that, C is in daycare, I have to work, and at some point this afternoon I need to get cat food. We haven’t gone swimming in a while, maybe that’ll be tonight’s plan.

little pieces

Jul 25th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
2 comments

You might be surprised at how many times I’ve sat down to write as I am now, and the first things I’ve typed have said something to indicate that I had no idea what I was going to write and I hoped that, in the end, it was at least a little interesting for you, and a little helpful for me. Often, by the end, there is a clear point and I delete those words. Maybe I will today too.

hopeful

hopeful

A Dream and a Kiss

My dreams have never been at all similar to the types of dreams I hear most people talk about. For instance, until fairly recently, I’d never had a dream about any kind of sexual activity. Nudity, sure, but that’s it. When it finally did happen, it was mostly awkward in my dream and left me laughing about it when I woke.

Last night I dreamt about a kiss. Not only was it an unexpected dream, but the kiss itself was unexpected in the dream, lasted all of 3 seconds, and was quite wonderful. I’m not sure what that says about me or how I’m supposed to interpret it. Maybe I really don’t care. It was a nice dream. In true form for me, the other participant was not anyone that I currently have romantic interest in. Not that I wouldn’t or won’t in the future. It’s just the way things work. And I use the words “romantic interest” very loosely. I am, after all, a recently separated, single father with a stressful job who lives far away from everyone he knows.

A Lake and Fireworks

I spent last night at the lake with good friends, swimming and watching fireworks. I’ve brought Celeste swimming quite a bit this summer and she’s taken to the water like a fish. With so many boats in the lake, this was her first time to experience waves of any kind. Though they were small, some were at least half her height and definitely capable of overpowering her. She did well though. The first few knocked her underwater. She’s known how to hold her breath for quite a while, so that wasn’t a problem. She’d wait for me to scoop her up and then try again. Eventually, she let go of some of her independence when she realized she’d have a lot more fun in the “deep” water if she held on to something like my leg. If I wasn’t walking fast enough for her she’d say “Dada! Move!”. I’d ask her which way and she’d point out toward the middle of the lake. And that’s one reason among millions why she brings so much light into my life.

My clothes were still wet when I got home.

admiration

admiration

My Time and a Break

A good friend recently asked me, in regard to parenthood, “But, don’t you ever enjoy a break?” This is my response to her, with some editing and more added in.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy a break. But, when I get one, more often than not, I just find myself wishing Celeste was there. Especially after more than a few hours. More than anything it’d be nice to be able to “tag out” every now and then when I get frustrated or overwhelmed. That way I can calm down in my own space without having to do it in front of Celeste. But, that’s not a choice I have so I’m doing the best that I can.

I think if I had a partner — like a real partner, with two-way communication and sharing of duties, though not necessarily a wife or even a female — I’d have the best of both worlds. Then I could ask for a morning every now and then to myself and go find a sunrise and not have to worry about taking Celeste with me. Or I could stay up late and drink here and there not worry about having to be up in the morning with the kiddo.

Then again, when I do have time away from her (which is far too often) I rarely, if ever, spend it out drinking. And, though I’m not sure her young mind can possibly appreciate it in the same way I do, one of the things I look forward to most is being able to show my daughter a waterside sunrise one day.

I do have plenty of Daniel Time, despite my packed schedule and constant lists of chores. But, if I get to choose how to spend my Daniel time, it’ll probably be surrounded by my friends and their kids and, ideally, my kid too.

Parenting and Friends

I don’t think parenthood is something everyone should engage in. In these times, being a parent is not a requirement for our race to thrive. And there are enough distractions in life to make a childless life VERY rewarding. I don’t judge anyone who chooses not to have children and I appreciate all of those who choose to spend time with mine. But I do believe that almost everyone is capable of being a good parent if they can let go of time tables and silly schedules and just trust themselves.

And I think that parenting is always done best surrounded by as many people as possible. Yesterday was amazing: 6 kids, 5 adults, and everyone naturally looking out for everyone else. We all watched out for eachother’s kids and, even with sharp cliffs nearby in the almost pitch black, we could all rest assured that turning our eyes away from our children was an okay thing to do, because there were so many others watching out for them.

all days like this

Jul 23rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I’ve slowly been intentionally revaluating my needs and desires, changing my expectations, and altering how I operate in order to find a way to live in greater harmony with the wants, desires, needs, and focuses of a young child as a single parent.

Celeste helps pot a plant

Celeste helps pot a plant

My practice (nor my theory) is anywhere close to perfect. But really, I don’t think the concept of perfect even applies here (or to most things, for that matter, but that that’s a tangent). However, every now and then everything just falls into place. And, thankfully, this is happening more and more often lately, despite the fact that my daughter is progressing deeper and deeper into what most people claim to be one of the least agreeable stages of childhood.

Yesterday, after picking my daughter up from daycare, we did the following:

  • Went shopping at a hardware store (one her least favorite places to shop because of my hesitation to let her explore with so many dangerous things around)
  • Planted 8 new plants outside
  • Repotted Henri (a basil plant I got for father’s day from Celeste (and Jess))
  • Pulled weeds
  • Took a shower
  • Made and ate dinner
  • Cleaned the kitchen
  • Did two loads of Laundry
  • Sweeped the living room, dining room, kitchen, and entry way
  • Cleaned her playroom
  • Went out for Ice Cream
  • Went to bed at a “reasonable” hour (reasonable for our lifestyle is any time before 9pm)
  • Went to sleep without argument

Of course all of this was done in between singing songs, drawing pictures, toddler dance parties, playing chase on the front sidewalk, digging in the dirt for fun, spraying eachother with the water hose, changing diapers, wiping noses, and the other usual things. And, since there’s no one here but her and I, it means all of this was done together or in close proximity. More interesting is that it was done all with only one small protest from her once that was quickly dodged.

I’m quite proud.

It was shockingly simple, really, and involved little more than throwing away any preprogrammed notions I have of what should or shouldn’t be and just following my instinct with little concern for anything outside of right now.

It encourages me not only to continue down this path with her, but to consider treating other aspects of my life in this same manner.

The best way to sum up the lesson I’ve learned is this:

Simply allow life to be great without demand for how or why. You will find more peace and happiness more often this way.

Dreaming on Drugs

Jul 22nd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Last night before bed while getting very sleepy from some medication I’m taking I wrote this:

if you’ve ever wondered what’s best about the things you are offered, know this:

sometimes I need to unplug. not so much from technology, in general, but from the internet and my expectation of response from it. it is clearly an entity of its own, an I exect so much from it.

ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddfds

I’m not quite sure what it means entirely, but it’s fun to share.

Last night’s sleep was crazy. I woke up A LOT. Each time having had an even more vivid dream than the last. The strange thing was that the dreams felt VERY real — almost tangible — and were fully based on things that really could happen, which isn’t usually how I dream.

I remember this one: In real life, on Monday, C and I went to visit Ramona, Austin and their family. I had a fantastic time and certain portions of that evening really meant a lot to me. In my dream (and in reality as well) I wasn’t entirely certain that Ramona knew how much it meant to me and I set out to tell her. When I started to, she interrupted me to express how much that evening meant to her and how much she enjoyed it. We laughed and that was it.

I had another dream that clearly took place in the future even though all of the people in the dream looked the same as they do now. In this dream Kim and I were in a relationship — maybe even married. At any rate, we lived somewhere in New England on the coast. We were out walking with C on the shore and both laughing uncontrollably at C’s excitement when the waves would run up the sand and reach her feet.

So real, and yet not. The Kim one clearly isn’t true. I can look at my day today and see that I’m not in a relationship with Kim nor do I live on the East coast. But the one with Ramona might have actually happened, I feel like it was a dream, but, maybe it wasn’t. I’ve debated emailing her to ask, just in case.

places we go

Jul 21st, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

the places we go

There are places we go, deep in the woods, in a song, in our minds.

The movement of arms and the pulling of shirt halts the dream.

Reality snaps back in place: A soft smile under dark glasses.

A closed fist and a deep breath bring peace again. Temporarily.

Count to 10. Suddenly it almost didn’t happen.

Almost.

Vacation, Day VIII

Jul 20th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Celeste poses near flowers

Celeste poses near flowers

Both Celeste and I slept in a bit. I woke up to her looking in my face and saying “da da”. Strange, because I’m usually the first one up. The weather was BEAUTIFUL so, after a quick breakfast we went for a walk to play at the park. Warm sun, cool breezes, morning light, my daughter’s smile — there really wasn’t much else that could make the morning more perfect.

Eventually, we went home, reluctantly, had an orange to get back some of what the sun sapped from us, and jumped in the car to head for Celeste’s mom’s place.

I’d only seen my father-in-law for a week when he helped Jess move out. And I hadn’t seen nor spoken to my mother-in-law. So I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I dropped Celeste off. They were nice though. My mother-in-law made the same joke she always does when she sees my hair trimed and indicated that I had done it on her account. My father-in-law got up to shake my hand. My mother-in-law even compared our tans. We laughed a bit, and joked a bit, and all-in-all a stayed about 30 minutes before deciding that Celeste was going to be okay if I left. And so I did.

what's left after you

what's left after you

I went to my Dad’s place for an hour or so, and then headed to a friend’s daughter’s birthday party. Had a good time meeting new people, throwing around water baloons and just goofing off. However, nothing makes me feel sadder and more awkward than being at an event geared for children without my child there. I was very glad the my brother, David, and his son, Liam, came, because I coulc sort of claim him as my own here and there.

I had to leave a bit earlier than I wanted in order to book it all the way to McKinney for the Annual Photowalk Day. There were about 50 of us, 7 (counting me) of whom I already knew. My friend Kim came as well, which was awesome. And afterwards she and I had a few beers, and nice dinner, and just talked for a long while. I got a little nervous, and the beer hit my empty stomach pretty quickly, so I’m not sure how awkward I came across as. But, I had fun anyway. Kim is awesome.

Then I headed home, tied up a few loose ends and hit the sack.

Vacation, Day VII

Jul 19th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

I decided to extend my vacation through until Sunday and, in that, include Celeste as much as I could for the last few days. We got up bright and early Friday morning, did our usual good morning, potty, breakfast routine. Then we got ourselves ready and piled into the car.

Celeste in sunglasses

Celeste in sunglasses

Our first stop was for coffee and a little bit of walking at the Shops at Legacy. Celeste was very good about waiting for me at street crossings and really liked peeking in all of the windows and pointing out all the things she liked.

Next, we headed to the Dallas World Aquarium. Celeste saw so many animals and birds. I’m not sure how much of it she absorbed because there is so much to look at. I know for sure that she remembers the Aligator, the sharks, the “pink birds” (flamingos), and the Jaguar, which she continued to taunt by saying “KITTY!!! EAT!!!!”. Celeste got a little cranky toward the end as it was past her nap time.

Celeste Ponders a Jaguar

Celeste Ponders a Jaguar

Next, we stopped for a quick lunch at Cafe Express. Toward the end of our meal, a girl approached us and asked me if I’d like our photo taken together. No… not my photo with the girl, my photo with Celeste. At least that’s what I assume she meant. Maybe she did mean herself? Maybe she was someone famous? At any rate, I declined her offer, but I really have no idea why.

In new, awkward, or undefined social situations I tend to get very nervous. This presents itself by keeping me from thinking clearly and causing me to say and do things I don’t mean because I think that’s what’s expected or wanted. In this case, I’m not entirely sure why, but I declined her offer because I thought it made me seem “new” at this or as though I didn’t have many opportunities. I guess I thought that she thought that I was one of those dads who only gets to see his kids every so often due to divorce/separation. Or maybe she thought I was married but that I rarely take care of the kid on my own.

Celeste and her Shells and Cheese

Celeste and her Shells and Cheese

In order to prevent her from thinking such things I declined her offer. But I should have taken it. I would have loved a photo of Celeste and I together and taking them myself with the old “hold out your own arm” trick is never as good as someone else doing it. I’m so silly sometimes. I do silly stuff like that a lot and then regret it later. I did this the night of Day VIII too, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Next we went home for a nap, then some quick shopping at Costco, and then off to Bonnie and Justin’s house to play with their new puppies, slam our hands on arcade machine buttons, and eat some very good steak (as well as handfuls of olives and edamame for Celeste).

Texas Coast, Day V and VI

Jul 17th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
13 comments

Day V

sunrise over Crystal Beach

Sunrise

Sunrise this time of year on the Bolivar Peninsula is a photographers dream. The angle of the peninsula causes the sun to rise in EXACTLY the right spot over the shore to allow you to photograph the sun, the shore, and the sea all from the best possible angle. Standing on the shore before dawn is surreal. You can see, but just barely. The waves are crashing against the sand. The sky is enormous. And everything is waking up all at once and you’re there watching it all.

It religious. I don’t care what religion you subscribe to. If a sunrise like this isn’t a religious experience to you then I don’t think there is any level on which you and I can relate.

a suitable meeting place

NUDE!

Two things have been on my list of things to do for a LONG time now: 1) Visit a Nude Beach and 2) Go Skinny Dipping. So, when I heard that the Bolivar Peninsula has its very own nude beach, I had to visit.

So I set out to do just that. I wasn’t sure if I’d even be able to get out of the car. I’m pretty shy and fairly modest unless I’m really comfortable with you. But, I knew I had to try.

The road there is not welcoming. All signs tell you to turn, but you go straight. Then the road you are driving on is tore up, bad. Eventually, it turns into nothing but sand a large rocks. There is trash everywhere. The shoreline is not sand but, instead, mud. Black mud at that. Despite all of this, there are people camping and swimming every where. I’m not sure why, since there are perfectly nice and free beaches less than a mile away. None the less I continued on.

More dirt, more sand, more trash, more gross, yet I continued on. The directions said go at least 3 miles. I have 4 wheel drive with locking differentials. Even then I felt like I might have gotten stuck a time or two. Yet I continued on. I drove for 5 miles. There were no cars, no people, certainly no naked people; nothing but trash and gross. So I gave up and turned around.

Not even 30 second after I did a truck approached and passed me. Perhaps I hadn’t gone far enough? Perhaps I should have turned around right then and went even further? Regardless, I didn’t bother. I continued on and headed back to base camp.

water, life

A Nice Swim

Once back at the beach house, Justin and I went for a nice swim. His mom drove down and met us for the ocassion. I love swimming in the ocean. Even on the peninsula where the water is more shallow (and a bit more sandy) then other ocean locations, it’s amazing and so very powerful. The waves weren’t too high so I swam out a bit, floated on my back, and let the waves carry me where they wanted to. I ended up a hundred yards or so down shore by the time I’d had enough.

After our swim we got some lunch, hit the liquor store, and started making Pina Coladas.

bolivar lighthouse

Looking for Decay

After a few drinks, Justin and I set out to Port Bolivar and the surrounding area to take photos of dilapidated and abandoned buildings. I got quite a few great photos.

In particular, there is an abandoned motel. The carpet and doors and windows and furnishings are all missing. The walls are busted and broken. Yet the structure is mostly still there. It was beautiful.

Then we got home and set Bonnie up to spin Poi on the beach as the sunset. Another spectacular experience that I was happy to get to photograph.

the light in her eyes

Day VI

We got up early, packed the car, and headed out. We drove straight home so, aside from good music and good conversation, neither of which reproduce well here, there isn’t much to tell. I did get to see Dolphins in Galveston Bay from the ferry though, which was awesome.

As soon as we got home, we unloaded the car. Then I put the carseat back in, gave Justin’s car a jump because he’d left his lights on, and headed out to pick up Celeste from daycare.

I almost cried when I saw her and saw the smile on her face. I had been doing everything I could not to miss her. So when the moment I got to see her again finally came, all that missing came flooding with it. I managed to hold the tears back long enough to get her in the car and get on my way back home.

We had a nice dinner, an awesome walk, and a fantastic evening.

So good, in fact, that I’ve decided to extend my vacation through to Sunday. So you’ll have three more days of updates. Ha.

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