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July, 2009:

Texas Coast, Day IV

Jul 15th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Sunrise on Aransas Pass

sunrise over aransas pass

Sunrise on Aransas Pass

I woke up before the sun and headed down toward Port Aransas to find a good spot to catch the sunrise. I guess I didn’t look very closely at the map before I plotted my course, because I didn’t realize there was a ferry between where I was and Port Aransas. Opting not to spend the time and money on the ferry, I found a decent spot on the pass just before the ferry and set up.

Later that day as we were well on our way to Galveston I would realize that, having avoided that ferry trip meant that I didn’t see Port Aransas at all. Looks like I’ll have to come back. Which is okay by me.

The Big Tree

Just North of Rockport, Texas lives an oak tree estimated to be over 1,000 years old. It’s quite beautiful and absolutely amazing to look at and consider all of the winters and summers and storms the tree has seen. The parks system has built metal crutches to hold up some of its limbs, planted grass below it’s spanning branches, built a chain link fence around it, and posted bad poems on large signs near by to commemorate it. Clearly, they are trying to protect the tree and help it to live another 1,000 years. But in reality they are only isolating it and shutting it off from the environment it’s known for 1,000 years.

Sometimes we don’t realize that by trying to prevent change in something, we end up changing it the most. That which lives, let it live.

Galveston

salt water reeds

salt water grass

I didn’t realize Galveston is as large as it is, so that was my first surprise. My second surprise was how unpopulated it was. Of course, it was the middle of a week, on a very hot day, and the region is still recovering from a bad hurricane. So, that makes sense.

None the less, I had a good time photographing the old buildings, eating good food on the bay, and walking along the seawall.

Bolivar

The Bolivar Peninsula, or what little of it I’ve seen so far, is quaint. It reminds me a bit of Manitoulin Island in that it seems to have it’s own vibe and it’s own way of life separate from the communities that surround it. Last night, well after midnight, I stood on the beach and felt the wind blow through my hair and listened to the waves crash into the shore. In that moment, I feel infinite. I felt not like Daniel, not like Human, not like Earthling, but like one single organ in the larger being that is Universe.

Texas Coast, Day II and Day III

Jul 14th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Day II

Harbor Bridge

Harbor Bridge

I woke up early, showered, then went out to meet a friend I haven’t seen on a few years for a cup of coffee. Then I had a little time at the hotel followed by a late breakfast at Kerbie Lane which was quite good.

Then we left Austin headed for Rockport. We made a few stops on the way, then checked into the hotel and bummed around for a bit before going to the boiling pot for dinner. After dinner we drove to the harbor bridge for some photographs and were lucky to see the Barnum and Bailey train full of animals on the tracks.

It’s strange, and sort of sad, to see the animals outside of their element. When they are in the circus and you’re watching the act, it’s a performance. It’s not reality and it’s not meant to be seen that way. But seeing train car after train car filled with elephants, their trunks moving up and down in front of the steel caged windows made me consider their life outside of performance. I can’t say they aren’t happy. It’s obvious their life is different than it would be roaming free. But that doesn’t mean their unhappy. It’s just strange to think in those terms.

After photos, we called it a night.

Day III

my pounding chest

my pounding chest

The day began just a little too late to catch the sunrise. But Justin and I went out for some early morning photos anyway. I forgot how bad the humid air here can be on a cold camera lens and I ended up being unable to get any photographs that morning as I waited for all of the lens elements to defog. Lesson learned: leave the camera in the car overnight.

Justin and I had a damn good breakfast on the harbor and picked up something for Bonnie on the way back. Then we bummed around the hotel some more and eventually ended up heading for Mustang Island. We stopped and had some good sushi in Corpus Christi and also picked up a hat so the sun wouldn’t get to us. I had brought one but couldn’t find it and thought I had forgotten it and then later found it. Ha.

I had a fantastic time on Mustang Island. So beautiful. For me, being surrounded in nature or surrounded in love are the two ways one can be physically the closest to God. Really, I’d argue that those are one and the same.

It’s so amazing to stand on the soft, sandy ocean bottom as wave after wave crashes into your chest. Fall back and kick your feet until your back hits the ground and just wait for another wave to pass. Jump through waves as they pass by you. Let waves carry you forward toward shore, then feel the return sweep you off your feet. These waves, these tides, are the pulse of the earth. Wading in them — feeling them push against you again and again — your pulses almost synchronize. There’s nothing quite like it to show you just how small yet important you are.

Despite travelling with friends, I was alone in that moment. I found myself wishing for close companionship. Someone who would feel how heavy the world is with me — side by side — and then playfully remind me of how light it is as well. Maybe a smile, a competitive splash, a kick in the legs, a long kiss, or a playful flash. Something to say “in this world, we are small. Yet in it all, this world, too, is small. And in that, we are all important. ”

Yeah. You can say all of that without speaking.

We stopped at a Mediterranean place for dinner which was quite good. Then we headed to take night photos of Fulton Mansion and then back to the hotel for much needed rest. I should have showered before bed. But, instead, I left the sweet, sticky, salt on my skin over night, so I would be reminded again in the morning.

Texas Coast, Day I

Jul 12th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Fuel for Paranoia

It would be an understatement to say that I am generally paranoid. I spent most of yesterday morning packing for my trip and contemplating whether I should just call the whole thing off and stay in Dallas in case something happened or I was needed in some way.

About 2 hours after we hit the road, Jess called to tell me she’d been in a car accident with the baby in the car. Thankfully, everyone is okay. I’ll keep asking to make sure and worrying about it the time I’m travelling because that’s what I do, but I’m so very glad that everyone is okay. But stuff like this doesn’t help to calm my paranoia. Working it out helps, though.

There’s no way my presence in Dallas would have prevented that accident or any of potential consequences that may follow. It would have likely happened just as it did. The only difference I might have made was in how the situation was cared for afterwards. But Jess is handling it well and calls whenever she has questions or wants an opinion, so that’s good. It makes me feel like she is taking care of everything and that if something needs my attention or if a problem arises she will let me know. As long as I can hold onto that and trust in that, then there is no reason to worry about anything.

I hope working it out is enough to help me let it go.

So that’s that. Enough said.

A Bad Feeling

I’m also starting to see signs that, once again, my intuition can be trusted. This is very good.

Recently (now there’s a vague time word for you), I got a bad feeling about some aspects of some relationships in my life. Yesterday, while I’m fairly sure everything will be just fine in the end, I had a tiny scare that started a zygote of an idea which blossomed into full blown panic. It made me realize that sometimes the risk isn’t worth the payoff and that when my intution is telling me that it might not be, instant gratification is not always the best long term solution.

I continually seek comfort and communion with others and I’m okay with that. I think that’s part of what society is suppossed to provide us with. However, I seem to be seeking it in the wrong places; places that end up leaving me feeling less comfortable and less cared for and more alone. I think, in part, this is due to issues I have with vulnerability. I desire to be close to others but I shy away from the vulnerabilty that generally comes with that. So, instead, I seek action and responses that indicate familiarity and, eventually, comfort, but do so without that initial act of vulnerability. This rarely leads to the response I want which only increases frustration. I’m working on figuring this out. But in the mean time I find myself feeling frustrated and alone in the relationships that I do reach out in. So, while I work on things from this end, I’m hopeful that I find a friendship that will work with me from the other side. It’s not really something you can ask for though. It just has to happen, I guess.

SPOON!

Oh yeah. So, the part of the trip that happned outside of my head. We made it to the hotel around 6:30pm and wanted to get to Stubb’s (the venue Spoon was playing at) by 7pm, so not a whole lot happened before that other than driving and good conversation.

discarded memories

discarded memories

The walk from the hotel to the venue was nice though. I miss walking with a purpose. Celeste and I go on walks often, but the final destination is just back home and the walk, while fun, is mostly purposeless. It’s nice to walk with a purpose. I brought the small point and shoot camera and took a few photos here and there.

The concert was great, despite some technical difficulties. Spoon puts on a good show and when they perform they are just as tight and together as they are on their albums. The sounds was spot on and the bass was just enough to let you really feel the music. Outdoor venues, even in the heat of the Texas summer, are by far my favorite places to see live music.

why I love my brother

Jul 10th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Despite his faults, I love my oldest brother. One of his greatest qualities is that he doesn’t bother with bullshit. He tells it just like it is, even if that means taking the blame.

I hope he doesn’t get too upset with me for sharing this with you. This is a voicemail he left me today, 2 days after my birthday.

You really should listen to it… but, in case you can’t, here’s a transcript:

hey little brother i’m sorry i missed your birthday. happy birthday and please forgive me. i knew it, i just was too lazy and i didn’t call you. it’s my fault no excuses. sorry. but hope you had a good birthday. give the little one a kiss for me. bye.

Finer Points

Jul 9th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

I don’t dare to say that anyone’s life is perfect. Despite outward appearances, we all have hardships and difficulties. It’s these very things that make the sweeter things sweet. However, Erin (of BlueBirdBaby) and her life continue to inspire me as an artist, a parent, a lover of nature, and a member of the human race.

Recently, she’s begun to share the words of Sasa, a significant person in her life and the life of her daughter, on her site as well. I take the following words from him posted on my birthday and share them with you:

It is amazing to me how quickly things can change. How sun follows storm, how clouds follow clarity, how time follows eternity. And yet there is something always there, aware and present to notice every thing. From the simple joy of seeing the moon again for the first time, to the frenzy of fireworks filling the sky, it is all there for us.

We are such cyclical creatures. It’s not a curse or a blessing, it’s simply what we are. We have been indelibly shaped by our tides, our planet, its rotation, and its orbit around the closest star, our sun. Under the gentle hand of our creator, these little pushes and pulls in all different and unseen directions have led us here, shaped the moutains and the sea, created night and day, and gave birth to four generous seasons. We are creatures dependant on our planet’s rotation; Dependant on its orbit around the sun for our very survial; Dependant on these cycles.

I wish to live my life in concert with what created me, not in direct opposition to it. I wish to blur the lines between which parts of the world are me and which parts are not. I wish to welcome each season against my skin instead of shutting it outside, closing all the doors, and blasting the air conditioning or stoking the furnace to force out what sneaks in the cracks.

I will find peace in a handful of sand. I will feel comfort in the mud between my toes. I will be refreshed by a heavy summer rain. I will be lulled to sleep by the gentle tug of the moon. And I wish for my daughter to find these same things and more in the world from which she was born.

It matters not if my she is wealthy or famous. It matters not if she is the biggest, the brightest, or the best. For her I only want peace. Peace found within ourselves aided only by the map that our creator has drawn time and time again all around us. And from this peace great love, happiness, and communion with others will spring forth. And the finer points of what it means to live here and now will be evident. I wish that my daughter would find naturally what has taken me thirty-one years to look for in all the wrong places. And I intend to be sure she has every tool she needds to find it. And in this great design, those tools are all free of charge.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you, for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

-Kahlil Gibran

I’m older than I’ve ever been

Jul 8th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

Today is my birthday.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I have for the 31st time in my life successfully circumnavigated the sun. Quite an accomplishment, I know. It wouldn’t have been possible without my mom, my dad, gravity, and inertia, all of whom I’d like to thank on this momentous occassion.

Ha.

In reality, there’s nothing more significant about today than there was yesterday or will be tomorrow. We could just as easily celebrate birth months, birth weeks, or births at 500 day intervals. In fact, I once threw myself a 10,000th day alive party, just because.

Really, life should be celebrated every single day and at every possible opportunity, because, despite being abundant here, it is so very precious.

But, there is a tradition in our society to celebrate a person on the day of their birth. And it is that tradition, not the actual event, that makes today special for me. The day is only 10 hours old and already so many friends and family have texted, called, emailed, and sent photographs wishing me a happy birthday. It is so very appreciated. Thank you all for helping to make this day special.

I spent my 30th birthday alone in Syracuse, NY. My wife and 7 month old daughter had left for Canada the day before to visit her parents and I was to follow 3 days later. I’d wanted so badly to spend the time together but it just didn’t happen. And even though, just like today, that particular day was not really any more important than any other day, the tradition placed on it made it feel more important. And the round number of “30″ made it seem more important too. Therefore, it made me feel very sad to not have those I loved dearest close to me then.

But this birthday will not be that way. Despite the fact that Celeste’s grandparents are in town for the next two weeks to visit her, I’m seeing her tonight. I don’t have anything planned, but spending time with my daughter will be more than enough. No matter how amazing my life was before her, with her in it, everything is bigger and better and more important than it ever was before.

So today, on my birthday, I am grateful for Jess and all the family and friends that have played a role in bringing her into this world and shaping her life and making her who she is. I can say, without a doubt, that Celeste has the best chosen family on the face of the planet.

Of course, as always, I welcome and appreciate spending time with people I care about. If you’re without plans this evening (or Thursday, or Friday), or have plans worth cancelling, and would like to join us to go swimming, go for a walk, have a nice dinner, watch a movie at home, have a beer or two, or just stand out on the front porch and talk as the sun sets, I’d love that. You know how to reach me.

The will of a child, part I

Jul 6th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Last night was terrible. Im laying here awake thinking of it partly because it was so bad, but also because it’s our last day together before my inlaws get here.

Despite a bad headache, a cranky girl, and a few other bad circumstances, we had a really good day until we got home. Then everything went wrong.

First there was the dinner thing. She wasn’t listening at all and almost got boiling water splashed on her. I tried the nice voice and the stern voice. I tried askin and I tried physically moving. No matter what she either threw a fit or didn’t listen. Then, when that didn’t work, she resorted to being intentionally hurtful. I would have never believed a 1.5 year old could be intentionally hurtful if I hadn’t been through it. More than once. On the same day. Which is what she did last night.

After dinner we went for a 1.5 hour walk because that’s what she wanted. We played and laughed and had fun. Except for the two times we stopped at the house to get water and/or use the bathroom. We were even playing “which house is ours” and she was so excited when she found it until she thought that meant we were going home. It didn’t. We were just walking past it. So then she changes her answer to a very angry NO, that it was definately not our house. When it was actually time to go in she cried and cried and cried. Thankfully, singing and laughing inside got her over that fairly quickly.

When it was finally bed time she wanted nothing of it. No songs. She didn’t want me to lay with her. She started getting more and more dificult. When I could think of no other options I set us up a little bed in front of the TV (which we rarely watch) to let her decide she was ready on her own. But she just got crankier and crankier. After almost 45 minutes of that I decided it was time to stop giving her a choice. Then she exploded. After dealing with that I told her that she could do whatever she wanted but that I was going to sleep. I laid down and she just threw herself on the ground and bumped her face on the night stand.

I picked her up and tried to tak to her. She resorted to being intentionally mean again. 30 minutes of laying around and talking and trying to change the subject and she finally decided she could stop being mean and that it was okay to go to sleep. It took over 1.5 hours to go from some form of very upset to sleeping.

And of course all of that is made worse by the fact that I got frustrated. I stopped being a source of calm and love and instead just cake off as upset and ocassionaly angry and yelling. Which does no one any good at all. And all of that was made worse still by this being out last nIght together before my inlaws get here. In the end I was crying and she was crying and it was just absolutely terrible.

And I feel horrible. I’d take the day off of work if it was an option. But it just isn’t for a few reasons.

At least I get to see her again on Wednesday.

Stay positive, or why Kaboom Town rocked

Jul 4th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Yesterday evening started out terrible. I drove all the way home from Keller only to find out that I had the wrong date for the plans I was returning for. We wanted to see fireworks, there were 6 other people going including kids, and I’d ruined everything.

It took all my might to stay positive. Celeste sensed I was upset and started acting up which only made things much worse.

We scoured the Internet looking for other fireworks happening on Friday the 3rd. The only thing we could find was Kaboom Town which we knew would be packed with people, a traffic nightmare, and not nearly as family friendly as it pretends to be.

In the end our choices were either Kaboom Town or nothing at all. So we opted to go.

So I put my new philosophy into high gear: this was our choice, there are no other options, hate it or love it we’re going… So I may as well resolve to love it.

So I did.

And so did Celeste.

Yes there were too many people, food cost too much, it was not at all family friendly, and traffic was absolute chaos (though we did manage to make it home a lot faster than it took is to get there).

But so what. We had fun. Lots of fun. And hearing Celeste say “ooooooh! Booooooom!” after each explosion and get soooooo excited seeing the airplanes made all the other crap not even matter.

Kaboom Town was a success.

iPhone OS vs. Android, Part I

Jul 2nd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

These are my first impressions of the iPhone OS 3.0 versus Android 1.5.

I’ve been using Android for 3 months now and Android 1.5 for about 3 weeks.

I’ve only had 1 day with iPhone OS 3.0.

I’m running Android on a T-Mobile G1. I’m running iPhone OS on an iPod Touch 2G 8GB.

In comparison to iPhone hardware, I’m lacking the mobile network, the camera, and the built in microphone. Specwise, the Touch 2G is faster than the iPhone 2G and 3G but slower than the 3GS.

OnScreen Keyboard
iPhone

iPhone gets this right. The Android keyboard works, and even has some features that I prefer. For instance, when hitting “shift” the keys all change from upper to lowercase letters making it obvious if you are capitalizing or not. I also like that the word changes/choices appear above the keyboard (where my eyes are) and not up in the text (where my eyes only go sometimes). But, in the end, I can type A LOT faster on the iPhone keyboard and make fewer errors. And That’s only after 1 day of use. I’m sure, in time, I’ll get even better.

Physical Keyboard
Android

Since iPhone doesn’t have one, Android wins. If you want physical keys, then this is a good thing. If you don’t need them, then you don’t care. As it stands now, I can type faster on my physical Android keyboard than I can on the iPhone OnScreen keyboard. As I get better at iPhone, that may change.

Browser
iPhone

The iPhone Browser is FAST and easy to use. It still stalls now and then, but not nearly as often as Android. Plus the multi-touch hardware really excels here.  Android seems able to display everything it can and in every case I tested it does so just as well in the end. But it typically takes longer to get there.

Photos
iPhone

Android photo browser sucks. It’s slow and complicated. Replacements available in the Market aren’t much better. iPhone is fast and easy, as it should be.

Mail
iPhone

Despite the fact that the Mail app on Android is native to gMail and that I use gMail, I still find the experience better on iPhone. Deleting and sorting mail is fast and easy. Despite the fact that some things I use are harder to get to, the speed of the app makes up for any difficulty.

Push Mail
Android-ish

My mail doesn’t seem to push at all on iPhone OS. But that may be because push only works with iPhone hardware and not with Touch hardware. Perhaps the mobile network is required for push? Regardless it doesn’t work. And Android does. But only for gMail.

Push / Pull
Android-ish

Android doesn’t implement Push. Individual apps do. Therefore, the apps must be running in the background to accept pushed content. When this happens, it typically works well, though each implementation is different. Other apps Pull content at regular intervals. This also works well but is more battery consuming, network consuming, and still requires the app to be running in the background.

iPhone has real Push. However, I’ve not seen many apps that use it. I tried AIM, because it was free and supported push. I found the Push interface to be obtrusive at best. I’m not sure if that method of operation is required or is simply how AIM chooses to implement it. Looking for other Push enabled apps to try.

I had hoped it would work similar to Android’s notification bar. A pushed message causes something to happen. Usually, a notification of sorts in a common place to inform the user of pending interaction. However, ideally, it would also allow for an action to take place without user interaction. For instance, Loopt might push a request for location. I don’t want to have to acknowledge that then fire up the app to update location. Ideally, the pushed notification would cause the update to happen and then the app to die. Apps requiring user interaction would notify in a common location and not with an annoying popup for each event. Then again, part of that may be AIM’s implementation. Perhaps all that I desire is possible and AIM just used it poorly.

General Use
iPhone

iPhone is smooth. Everything works almost exactly as expected with only a few caveats. On Android, when scrolling around on a webpage, for instance, I often accidentally click links. This never happens on iPhone. The UI programmers have put a lot of thought into when users are scrolling and when they are clicking and how to tell the two apart.

The same is true for all of the menus. Everything is fast, and pops, and is consistent with very few exceptions. 

3rd Party Apps
iPhone-ish

iPhone has been around longer. There are lots of good solid apps available for iPhone. Especially in the “games” arena. It’s shocking, really. However, Android is catching up. And the Android apps that are available (General Use issues mentioned above aside) work just as good if not better (because of Push/Pull features) than the iPhone counterparts. 

Hardware
iPhone

The iPod Touch screen is bigger and nicer looking. I don’t have a camera to compare or anything like that since I’m working with the Touch. The Touch is lighter than the G1 and I believe the iPhone is as well. It also feels more solid in the hand.

Development
Android

The Android SDK is free and available on Mac, Linux, or Windows. The iPhone SDK requires a membership and is only available on Mac. iPhone apps can only be distributed through the App Store, The same memebership for the SDK is required. Prices run $99-$299 depending on use. Android apps can be distributed outside of the Market. Placing an app in the Market requires a $25 developers membership.

14 long days

Jul 2nd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

14 long days

My inlaws called Jess two days ago to give her final dates for their trip out here. Instead of 10 days they are staying 14. Instead of driving they are flying. Instead of coming at the end of July they are coming on July 6th. They will not be renting a car. They will not be getting a hotel. Surprise!

I had half a mind to not be accomating when it comes to Celeste’s time because that’s just ridiculous. But at the same time, I want them to be a part of Celeste’s life and I don’t know how much of the “Surprise” was them changing their mind last minute, and how much of it was Jess not seeking to get dates and times soon enough.

Regardless, they’ll be here for 14 days and I won’t be seeing Celeste for most of it.

Jess and I worked out a decent plan. I get a bunch of days before and after to make up for the time when they are here. I also get two evenings throughout their stay so that it’s not so long without so much as even seeing her. And finally, I’ve got preapproval to do something similar myself in the fall so I can take Celeste to New York and Vermont for 4 to 6 days.

It’s going to be a long, hard two weeks. Thankfully, I’m lining up distractions.

The 4th of July!

I’ve got Celeste with me for five days in a row. In these five days there are three days off of work. We have some plans but, for the most part, I’m just packing very full bags and playing it all by ear.

There are tentative plans to go to a Splash Park Friday morning. There are more tentative plans to see Fireworks in Addison or possibly Carrollton on Friday night. There are fairly solid plans to see fireworks in Grapevine on Saturday night. The rest is unknown. I’m sure there will be swimming and singing and playing and book reading and sidewalk chalk — always sidewalk chalk.

My Birthday!

My Birthday is July 8th and it’s one of the days I’ve worked out to have with Celeste. So that’s extra nice, especially since I spent my last birthday without her (or anyone, actually) when Jess took her to Canada. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m doing it but, really, as long as I have Celeste there I’m doing better than I ever have before. More than likely, whatever it is, you’re invited. I rarely turn down the opportunity for good company.

Home Improvement

I’m hoping to build a headboard and put down hard flooring upstairs which Celeste is away. I’m still seeking help and arrangements for getting the flooring done. The headboard I can do myself. If I can’t do the flooring, I’ll tackle a few organization projects instead. Company both welcome and greatly apprecaited.

SPOON!

Saturday, July 11th, myself and 9 other people will be traveling to the great city of Austin, TX is order to witness live musicians calling themselves “Spoon” perform on stage at Stubb’s.

Several of my favorite people will be there with me and this promises to epic.

The Gulf Coast

The day after Spoon, as everyone else heads back to DFW myself and two good friends will travel to the Texas Gulf Coast for four days. Yes, I’ve never been. I know that’s sad. Despite claims from some that it is nothing but a swampy shithole, I’m confident that the opportunties for photographic, culinary, social, mental, and personal stimulation will be plenty. Plus, we’ve got our very own Spirit Guide.

I’ve been in swampy shitholes before and came out smiling. The greatest competition toward enjoyment will come from the same three places they usually do no matter where I am: the humidity, the bugs, and my own mind.

I don’t have any details on where we’re going other than “that way”. I don’t know where I’m staying, where I’m eating, or which spots are on the list of “must-sees”. I’m, hopefully, working all of that out over the next few days.

The worst part

One of the only truly difficult parts about being separated from Jess is being without my daughter. When all of this finally started working itself into what it is today, I knew there would come a time where I would have to go without her for much longer than I care to. Now is that time.

It makes me sad that it has to be like this. It makes me sad that in the middle of it all there might be a sad, confused little girl who wants her Daddy and can’t figure out why no one will let her see him or — worse — why he’s not coming to see her like he always does. I hope and pray that she’s not old enough to feel that this time around and that when the next time comes she might be old enough to understand.

But still, tears stream down my face as I write these words and I can’t make them stop. Because I understand the hows and whys of it all, as much as it hurts to be away from her, I can get by. In the end, though I may be sad, I’ll be okay. But it breaks my heart over and over again to think of what she might go through.

My greatest hope is that the distraction provided by her grandparents will be enough to keep her from noticing too often and that they will plan some activities for her to keep her active and entertained as opposed to sitting around avoiding the nasty Texas heat as we are so often inclined to do.

Finally, I hope that if she really gets distressed that Jess and my inlaws will find it somewhere in themselves to invite me over for a few hours in order to show my little girl that her daddy isn’t gone forever.

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