revjim.net

something to lean on

Aug 5th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.

(again I leave myself only 13 minutes to write.)

Somtimes I feel a deep, inner searching that leaves me feeling melancholy and alone. This has been the case lately. The most often used “solution” (though it rarely if ever works) is to intentionally occupy my mind with other thoughts and distractions. This often leads to me leaning on friendships or relationships that I shouldn’t lean on for lots of reasons. Either they are already too stressed to deal with my neediness or they simply don’t have the time. Or I don’t have a very strong or close relationship with them outside of these times so the dynamics of that relationship tend to be very lopsided. Or I attempt to lean on them in a manner that they simply can’t or won’t support (hugs from a non-hugging person, drinks with a non-drinker, etc). Or I revisit old, failed friendships in my mind (and sometimes beyond that) in an attempt to restore some portion of the past when I believe that I felt better.

It seems to come and go in waves. I think of all the people I’ve ever even briefly talked to about it, my friend Kelly seems to understand what I mean the best.

It’s all a big mind trick of course. In most cases the “me” that I express during these times is very real and exists even outside of these times. But the urgency and persistence with which it is expressed causes the message to be confused. Ultimately, it also causes confusion in my own head resulting in a terrible circle.

Posted in: life, life-blog.
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  • http://twitter.com/FarrisGoldstein FarrisGoldstein

    I don't think I'll ever understand your love affair with “distractions.” I've found that on the rare occasions during which a distraction would be beneficial to me, if I notice or acknowledge the need, then it's already too late for a distraction to do any good.

    For the most part, distractions are annoying to me. My life is a never-emptying queue of stuff I need to, want to, and can do. When I am distracted, even from the ones that I need but don't want to do, my ability to turn “can't” into “can” is frustrated and retarded. As a rule, I'd prefer social and intellectual interaction to be natural and harmonious so that I can GTD.

    That might sound a bit too altruistic for the modern, pseudo-neurotic nerd, but I firmly believe it's the closest thing to Zen that will ever truly work in a world that I happily and wondrously view as 100% materialistic.

  • http://revjim.net/ Jim Reverend

    I agree with you 100%. I don't particular enjoy “distractions”. In the moment they might be interesting but, in the end, they find me less productive and therefore more stressed and, possibly, feeling as though I need more distractions. Which is the circle I mentioned above.

    However, many times… most of the time, perhaps… the distraction is better — way better — than the lonely, alienated, isolated, unloved feelings that I have at the time. It's not that I seek “distraction”… it just turns out to be such because I'm unable to concentrate on anything else.

  • http://twitter.com/FarrisGoldstein FarrisGoldstein

    Twitter/Disqus ate my reply. And it was a very good one. I'll paraphrase:

    Your and my definition of “better” differs along the same delta curve as our differing methods of dealing with emotions and desires. Aberrations aside, I'm usually very capable of casting out any yin I don't currently have enough yang to offset. This makes me seem a bit less adventurous sometimes, since I have to store up quite a bit of yang to deal with the inevitable yin that diving into something new or unknown brings.

    Not that I over-prepare all the time. I just don't get as much done as you do. Frank knows you've also got me beat in the over-prepping department. ;)

  • http://revjim.net/ Jim Reverend

    I tend to have most people beat in the over-prepping department.

    And you're right… “better” is different for each person living the experience. And… there are about 12 different meanings of “better”, one of which means “better right now” another of which means “better in the future” and another which means “better overall”.

  • http://twitter.com/FarrisGoldstein FarrisGoldstein

    I don't think I'll ever understand your love affair with “distractions.” I've found that on the rare occasions during which a distraction would be beneficial to me, if I notice or acknowledge the need, then it's already too late for a distraction to do any good.

    For the most part, distractions are annoying to me. My life is a never-emptying queue of stuff I need to, want to, and can do. When I am distracted, even from the ones that I need but don't want to do, my ability to turn “can't” into “can” is frustrated and retarded. As a rule, I'd prefer social and intellectual interaction to be natural and harmonious so that I can GTD.

    That might sound a bit too altruistic for the modern, pseudo-neurotic nerd, but I firmly believe it's the closest thing to Zen that will ever truly work in a world that I happily and wondrously view as 100% materialistic.

  • http://revjim.net/ Daniel

    I agree with you 100%. I don't particular enjoy “distractions”. In the moment they might be interesting but, in the end, they find me less productive and therefore more stressed and, possibly, feeling as though I need more distractions. Which is the circle I mentioned above.

    However, many times… most of the time, perhaps… the distraction is better — way better — than the lonely, alienated, isolated, unloved feelings that I have at the time. It's not that I seek “distraction”… it just turns out to be such because I'm unable to concentrate on anything else.

  • http://twitter.com/FarrisGoldstein FarrisGoldstein

    Twitter/Disqus ate my reply. And it was a very good one. I'll paraphrase:

    Your and my definition of “better” differs along the same delta curve as our differing methods of dealing with emotions and desires. Aberrations aside, I'm usually very capable of casting out any yin I don't currently have enough yang to offset. This makes me seem a bit less adventurous sometimes, since I have to store up quite a bit of yang to deal with the inevitable yin that diving into something new or unknown brings.

    Not that I over-prepare all the time. I just don't get as much done as you do. Frank knows you've also got me beat in the over-prepping department. ;)

  • http://revjim.net/ Daniel

    I tend to have most people beat in the over-prepping department.

    And you're right… “better” is different for each person living the experience. And… there are about 12 different meanings of “better”, one of which means “better right now” another of which means “better in the future” and another which means “better overall”.