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August, 2009:

a point of weakness

Aug 10th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I usually think before I act. To a fault, almost. Selfishness and impulse and drive for instant gratification has been all but driven out. But there’s a little nugget in the center of me that works in exactly the opposite manner — a compacted and compressed piece of Id surrounded by Ego walls. Walls, however, sometimes have cracks — cracks that turn into leaks.

I could certainly stand to have a little more passion and selfishness influence my day to day decisions. But when it makes it’s way to the front to lead this body and mind around this planet for a bit, it can get difficult.

Balance is key, of course. But that changes I make take some time to take effect. If I’m not patient enough and make a second adjustment before the first has been fully realized, then I overshoot. And, at the same time, it’s nice to know I can let those uncapped, unchecked, unthrottled aspects of me out once in a while. So building a stronger, bigger, thicker wall is not the answer. And every door has a point of weakness.

better?

Aug 7th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

better?A friend recently told me that my brain runs too fast analyzing what’s being said and thinking of what to say next that it makes it hard for me to be a good listener. She’s probably right. I had always thought that knowing exactly what to say at the right time is what sorted out the good listeners from the bad ones. But I realized, when she said that, that sometimes there isn’t anything someone can say. Sometimes, there isn’t an answer. And when there isn’t, I suck at it.

Whatever skill needs to be employed in those cases — to listen without having the answer — is probably useful just the same even when there is an answer. That skill, whatever it is, is one that I don’t seem to have. But if I did, and this is just conjecture, it would make me a better listener in all cases. So I’m looking for that skill.

I keep a text file on my computer named “things I should never forget”. It’s mostly just small quotes from various people and links to whatever they came from. It’s full of good things. Things like:

It’s getting immensely easier to enjoy living as I stop trying to prove a point to anyone and just do what’s good.

–Farris Goldstein

Yesterday I added a new bit of knowledge to this book of my life:

Don’t be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.

– Joey Comeau

It’s no wonder it has become so easy for us, as a society, to tell lies and half truths to get what we want. We’ve seen it used over and over again as a tactic for pacification since we were so very young.

Imagine you’re a young child. Your father is about to leave for the day and you don’t want him to. Your father told you he’d be back at the end of the day and covered you in hugs and kisses, but that it didn’t help to ease you. He told you didn’t want to go but that he had to. That didn’t help much either. Then, another adult tells you that your father is really just going to get you a snack, and that he’ll be right back. That makes you feel better. You stop crying and your father leaves. You’re happy to go on playing and wait for him to return. But he doesn’t. Not until much later that evening. After you’ve glanced at the door so many times that you eventually stop looking. When you see him you’re so happy that he’s there that you almost forget that it took longer than you expected. Almost. But day after day, time after time, over and over again, it sticks and you remember. You learn that people lie to get what they want. They lie to innocent children and they lie to other lying adults. Lying is a fact of life, a required tool. A tool requiring mastery.

When there are turtles under the bridge, when there are fish in the pond,when the birds sing us home, when there’s a frog in the car that we can’t get out, life is good. And those little laughs, the little giggles, the little smiles, make everything that much more amazing and bring warmth to even the coldest days. I am inspired by her, every day, to be more like I want to be. Whoever said parenting is a zero sum game

PubSubHubbub

Aug 5th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

A new protocol with a funny name, PubSubHubbub, is out in the wild, complete with a free-to-use implementation of the most difficult part, the hub itself. Instructions for use in wordpress are fairly straight forward.

So what does all this non-sense mean? If you happen to have a conforming RSS reader (like, say, Google Reader is now), or a service that understands this stuff (like, say, FriendFeed) then when a PubHubHubbub using website or feed updates, you can find out about it instantly, instead of having to poll for it. This means less network traffic and less work, with instantaneous updates. All the benefits of Twitter, LiveJournal, and Facebook, from the comfort of your own decentralized blogging engine.

Assuming I have all the bits in place. This should update my FriendFeed almost instantaneously. Let’s see.

Update: It works!

something to lean on

Aug 5th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

(again I leave myself only 13 minutes to write.)

Somtimes I feel a deep, inner searching that leaves me feeling melancholy and alone. This has been the case lately. The most often used “solution” (though it rarely if ever works) is to intentionally occupy my mind with other thoughts and distractions. This often leads to me leaning on friendships or relationships that I shouldn’t lean on for lots of reasons. Either they are already too stressed to deal with my neediness or they simply don’t have the time. Or I don’t have a very strong or close relationship with them outside of these times so the dynamics of that relationship tend to be very lopsided. Or I attempt to lean on them in a manner that they simply can’t or won’t support (hugs from a non-hugging person, drinks with a non-drinker, etc). Or I revisit old, failed friendships in my mind (and sometimes beyond that) in an attempt to restore some portion of the past when I believe that I felt better.

It seems to come and go in waves. I think of all the people I’ve ever even briefly talked to about it, my friend Kelly seems to understand what I mean the best.

It’s all a big mind trick of course. In most cases the “me” that I express during these times is very real and exists even outside of these times. But the urgency and persistence with which it is expressed causes the message to be confused. Ultimately, it also causes confusion in my own head resulting in a terrible circle.

worrying over nothing

Aug 4th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments
lines and empty spaces

lines and empty spaces

I spent the last 45 minutes or so worrying about something stupid.

I was thinking about how it had been a while since I had cleaned Celeste’s bedroom. And then I realized it had been a while since Celeste had been in her bedroom and that it probably didn’t need cleaning because she wasn’t likely to be in it anytime soon anyway.

Celeste is content sleeping in her own bed. In fact, she does so when she’s with her mom every night and usually for the entire night. But, for me, it’s just easier and more comfortable to have her in my bed. I don’t have to worry about baby monitors or the stairs. I don’t have to keep her door shut. I don’t have to go upstairs to comfort her in the middle of the night if she wakes up. And if she wakes up before I do in the morning, she lets me know. It’s just easier.

And since she’s sleeping in my room, it makes the most sense to have her clothes there too. And all of her toys are in her playroom. So, there’s really no need for her to go in her room.

So, what did I spend the last 45 minutes worrying about? I worried about wasting space. In a house that’s two times larger than we need and has one entire floor too many with entire rooms that are never used, I’m worried about wasting space.

My mind just thinks, “I should either use the space, or get rid of the space.” But, getting rid of the space isn’t an option. And that’s where things breakdown. Because the next logical conclusion, for some stupid reason, is to force myself to use the space. So for 45 minutes I thought about how annoying it’s going to be to move Celeste into her room when I really don’t want her there and neither does she.

DITL 2009-07-30

Aug 4th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Here are the images I took on July 30th, 2009. The day is filled with fun. Quick recap: morning, work, get Celeste, dinner, play, park, ice cream.

Enjoy! (click on the image to advance to the next photo) Or, just view the entire set on Flickr.

Get the flash player here: http://www.adobe.com/flashplayer

anti motivational message

Aug 3rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

There is far too much bullshit on the Internet.

Too many of you assholes see something on the internet and think, “HEY! I can do that too! I’m gonna be fucking rich!”.

No, you can’t. And no, you’re not.

Just give up now before you litter my precious Internet with your crap. And before you start saying “but my idea is new and better and different”, just stop right there. It’s not new. There is nothing new. It’s all been done already. Yes, all of it. And it’s not better. It’s not even as good. Someone better looking, with more money and more time already did it. An no one wants different. We say we do, bit we’re lying. If you make something different, that just means it sucks that much more.

Save us all the trouble. Don’t clutter the Internet with your crap. Just give up now and go back to eating Cheetos and playing “Left For Dead” on an XBox that you didn’t and could never have invented.

popcorn!

Aug 3rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I have 13 minutes to write to you all and tell you how wonderful my Yesterday was, and instead I’m wasting it telling you that I’m about to write. I’m silly like that. But, much like love, projects, friendships, romantic interests, and even just good, old-fashioned, carnal fun, I’ve never been able to just jump right in to anything. Except I am jumping out of a plane next month. Not quite sure yet how.

So, as I mentioned, yesterday was wonderful. It deserves to be laid out in 40 — maybe 50 — long drawn out pages. But, this will have to suffice: tickles and kisses; breakfast: grapes, cherries, and apple sauce; starbucks; friends, kolaches, and puppies; nap for C; lunch: chicken nuggets w/ a chick pea and black bean salad; cleaning — all the main rooms, laundry, floors. Celeste is an expert sweeper. Especially with good tunes on; swimming underwater; dinner: noodles w/ chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots; our evening walk: in search of crunchy leaves; popcorn in the dark. I’ve never given C popcorn before now. She loved it. Despite her gills. She must get that from me; bed time for C; Warehouse 13; bedtime for me.

As much as it’s nice to think of how much relaxing I can do, how much partying I can do, or how much I can actually get done when I don’t have Celeste tonight, in the end it doesn’t make it “worth it”.

I left my wallet in Keller on Saturday. I hope my Dad remembers to bring it to work today so I can get it from him.

That’s all the time we have folks.

weekend recap: driving!

Aug 2nd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I’m currently importing 417 photos, and that’s only one of the three memory cards I was using this past weekend. In other words, I was busy. Busy is what I do best, though, so that’s not a complaint. There should be a TON of photos in this post but, as I said, they are currently downloading. So, I’ll make another post later with photos.

Friday night I visited with Daisy and Tim, their 4 children, and an entire host of extra adults and kids. I love Daisy’s house because it’s always filled with so much warmth and so many people. And, despite all of those people, everyone always seems to get along and every need is either catered to or whisked away but more interesting things.

Aside from Friday, it was my intent to stay local for the rest of the weekend. I just have a lot of stuff I need to get done, it’s nice to live in my own home from time to time, and people can certainly come visit me for a change. But, it didn’t quite work out that way. I stopped by my dad’s house late that night to pick up the camera I forgot there the weekend before. Then I drove all the way home.

My plans Saturday morning were failed due to an unannounced monsoon hitting Northern DFW. I called my Dad to find out if it was raining where he was and ended up driving out there instead. We did end up at Boomerangs, an indoor playground for kids, which was quite fun. I forcibly convinced the staff to let me go on the toys with Celeste, so she had a LOT of fun and I got a real work out. After that, I took Celeste back to my dad’s for a nap. Later that evening we went to my brother’s house for a bonfire. Kelly and Rory were there too, which was nice. We left around 9:30pm though. Celeste was just too hot near the fire and, really, just wanted to go to sleep. So I packed up our stuff and drove her all the way home.

Sunday morning’s plans were to go for a walk at Erwin park, then get some housework done, take a nap, and then go to the pool. Perhaps top it off with another walk in the evening and, if we’re feeling really good, some ice cream. But, since some friends from Beaumont were in town and Celeste had yet to meet their 3 year old daughter, instead we drove to Allen to visit them and had brunch with Bonnie and Justin. Celeste played with our friend’s daughter and B and J’s new puppies. She was good and ready for a nap by 12:30 though, so we headed home.

Celeste is napping now as I write this. Plans for the evening involving going to the pool and absolutely, without a doubt, not driving more than 15 minutes from my house for any reason.

I love busy weekends. And I love introducing Celeste to new people and new things. I just really need to find a way to do it without having to spend so much of our precious weekend time in the car. It almost seems like we’d both be better off not seeing anyone and just staying home with one another, even though I really value being able to spend time with friends and other parents. I’m hashing out a plan that will let me feel able to stay closer to home without feeling guilty for not seeing people and for not socializing Celeste more.

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