If you are so inclined
A link to “this”:http://revjim.net/2006/06/29/100000-views-on-flickr/ would be divine.
Then more will read and more will go,
It won’t take too much time, you know.
Just a few words and a place to click.
If you don’t than you’re a…..
comedy
I am hot and I have proof
Working out at the Gym makes me oh so hot. I have proof.
During my thirty minutes at the Gym yesterday I set free 1,108,760 joules of energy or roughly enough energy to bring 2.85 quarts of ice to a boil. Using this information, it’s easy to tell just how hot I am. Try this exercise.
Measure out 2.85 quarts of water, then dump it into ice cube trays. Place a thermometer in one of the ice cube cells and place them in your freezer. Wait until the thermometer reads 32°. Then, put a large pot on the stove, turn on the heat full blast, dump in the ice cubes and start a stop watch. As soon as the water boils write down the time. Now, here comes the fun part.
Take the pot off the stove and place your face over the burner. Get nice and close. Now, turn on the burner and start the stop watch again. Don’t move until the stop watch has elapsed the amount of time you wrote down. It may help to have someone else hold the stop watch for you. When the time is up, take a look in the mirror. Take a good look.
See. That’s how hot I am.
Go ahead and cast your clothing aside, ladies, I know you want me. I’m now accepting photographic attempts to woo me.
D-Bone
I’m questioned a lot. Sometimes by the police and I swear I didn’t do it. Other times by my doctor and I still don’t know where those bruises came from. Another time I was questioned by the media, but I really had no idea she wasn’t 18. I was even questioned by the DHS but I really didn’t have anything to do with those missing WMDs. Recently, I’ve been questioned about a lesser known nickname I use: D-Bone. This time I have an answer and it’s quite simple.
Some people have a party shirt. Others have a party beer cup. Some people have party underwear. Some people wear a party hat. Some people have a party joke. Some really lucky people have a party birthday suit. I have a party name. It’s D-Bone. Nice to meet you.
Quite honestly, very few of you have ever been introduced to D-Bone in the flesh as he’s very picky about who he associates with, so I can understand if you’re just now hearing of him for the first time. He can usually be found where people are having a good time without the bullshit. If you have met him before, consider yourself lucky. He’s a fun guy and I don’t mean a mushroom. (Fun guy… fungi. Like a mushroom. Get it? That was my party joke.)
Gentle News Live!: Tonight!
Tonight, “Gentle News Live!”:http://gentlenews.com/theshow/, the Live Internet Radio show that makes panties disappear, will begin at 8:31pm, just like it does every Tuesday night. Please, listen in at 8:31pm for the best hour of Internet entertainment this side of Mae-East. We start broadcasting music around 8:00pm, so feel free to join early. And, if you’re so inclined, give us a call at 801-HATE-ME-1.
life in the fast lane: an agreement
There are two acceptable schools of thought one can abide by in regard to speed and lane selection while travelling on a roadway of any sort with other drivers. I’ve got my preference, of course, but, I’ve decided to do the nice thing and let you choose. Which ever method you decide to employ, I will do the same.
h3. Option 1: Be Courteous. MOVE RIGHT!
This is a fairly straight forward practice with room for a little bit of interpretation. The meat of this method is simple: Regardless of if you’re driving 100mph or 10mph, always drive in the lane furthest to the right that will support the speed you are driving.
If you are travelling in a lane and pass a car on the right leaving a spot in the lane to the right that will support your speed, even if only briefly, MOVE RIGHT.
If you find that you are the only car on the entire highway, MOVE RIGHT.
If you find that the cars to your right are moving faster than you, then you’ve been in the wrong lane for a long time. MOVE RIGHT!
When to move RIGHT is fairly obvious, but I’ll restate it: If it is in any way possible for you to MOVE RIGHT without getting in an accident or cutting off another car, even if only for a brief moment, MOVE RIGHT. The interpretation in this method surrounds, not when to move right but, when to move left.
If you are approaching a car that is slower than you and there are at least two more lanes to your left, go for it, but move back as soon as you can. This doesn’t mean you should get right on their ass and then swerve around them cutting them off as you get back in the right lane. Take it easy. Act with determination, and purpose, but in a calm, controlled, fashion.
If there is only one lane to your left and it’s clear for quite a way back, go for it, but move back as soon as you can. Again, do this in a calm, controlled fashion.
If there is moderate traffic in the lane to your left and you can accelerate to match their speed, merge with them, pass the slower car, and then move back to the right and resume your desired speed, go for it. Don’t cut off other cars in order to merge. Anticipate your need to move over before it’s too late. Put your blinker on. Accelerate. Unless you are on a road with lots of bends and hills, you should have plenty of time to match the speed of the cars next to you. If you can’t reach the speed of the traffic to your left before colliding with the car in front of you, simply slow down and wait for the left lane to clear or the car in front of you to MOVE RIGHT.
If you are in the far left lane, there are no cars immediately in front of you and there are cars behind you desiring to go faster, analyze the speed of the cars in the lane to your right. If they are travelling only slightly slower than you, enter their lane, decrease your speed a bit, and allow the faster travellers to pass you. Continuing to travel in a left lane because you desire to go 42mph instead of 40mph is just plain silly. When your total trip time is calculated, you’ll never even notice the 30 seconds you spent travelling 2mph slower than you wanted to.
If you are in the far left lane and you wish that you could drive faster than you are but there is a car in front of you consider that the car in front of you probably wants to go faster too. Riding their ass won’t do you any good. At this point, you’re stuck because someone else has decided not to MOVE RIGHT. Take a deep breath. Listen to the radio. Try not to kill anyone. Unless, of course, there is only one car immediately in front of you, with open space in front of them that has passed up several opportunities to MOVE RIGHT. In that case, feel free to switch your driving school of thought to Option 2 briefly.
h3. Option 2: Be an Asshole. Drive where you want.
“I can be in any lane I want and drive as fast as I want. It’s my road too.”
Yes. You’re right. You can. Take the left lane at 59mph in a 60mph zone with two empty lanes to your right. That’s your choice and your right.
However, it’s also my right to choose my speed and my lane, just like you. It just so happens I’ve decided to drive in your lane, directly in front of you, 20mph slower than you’re driving. And when you finally decide to MOVE RIGHT, maybe I’ll move right, too, still 20mph slower than you are. Hey, I can be in any lane I want and drive as fast as I want! It’s my road too!
h3. Option 3: There is no option three.
Some of you will be eager to point out some other options. Something built on your own driving habits such as, “as long as I’m driving 10mph over the speed limit, I can be in the far left lane” or, “you shouldn’t be driving that fast anyway, so I’m going to try and stop you”. Unfortunately, everyone has their own idea of how fast we should drive and none of us agree. Any other option is simply a variation of Option 2.
h3. Conclusion
With a little bit of courtesy and a tiny bit of give and take, we can all be calm, happy drivers driving approximately the speed we’d like to be driving. From time to time we may have to go a little slower than we’d like, or a little faster than we’d like in order to maintain the flow of traffic, but, for the most part, everyone gets their way and we are all happy.
Make your choice. Just remember that I’m choosing the same thing you do. Here in Dallas, TX, I’m pretty sure most drivers are choosing Option 2. It’s a good thing I know how to be an asshole.
tangible proof of God’s existence
Despite what the “God FAQ”:http://www.400monkeys.com/God/ would have you believe, GOD EXISTS! While there is much evidence to support this claim, the single most recent, compelling, and disgusting piece was brought to my immediate attention late last Sunday night just as my beautiful wife and I wrapped up a day spent with my parents reflooring my photography studio.
Unless you slept through all of high school Physics and Chemistry you’ve heard the Law of Conservation of Matter that states that mass can not be created nor destroyed. This isn’t some half-baked scientific theory, no! This is a fundamental, proven, repeatable, and regularly observed scientific *law*. So, when you see an act of nature that contradicts this very law, you know you are witnessing nothing short of the hand of God. With all of you as my witness, I’m here to proclaim that *god exists* and I’ve got three times my weight in snot to prove it.
It is apparent to me now that our house was built by a handful of Satan’s minions with no regard for mankind, sanitation, straight lines, or right angles. With reckless abandon walls were raised and carpet was laid on top of broken glass, rusty razors, headless nails, floorboard gaps, dust of unknown origin, crooked support beams, and unmentionable biological deposits. If you have even the slightest thought in your mind that your house is even partially clean I double-dog dare you to just peek under your carpet. Satan knows what he’s doing and he hides it well.
With God watching over us and an arsenal of power tools at our side we un-carpeted and re-floored my studio unknowingly unearthing the deposits left by Satan’s handy men in the process. Now free, yet exposed, these deposits hastily fled for shelter embedding themselves into the lining of my nostrils. As a natural reaction, my nose began to produce additional mucus to force out these foreign bodies, but these were super Satan-charged particles and my poor earthly mucus was unable to do the job. If not for the hand of God I would surely now be overtaken by their power. But god’s power is an awesome one.
My nose did run for two days straight and during this time my body did excrete over three times it’s own weight in snot. Now I ask you, brothers and sisters, is it possible for a mortal body to create mass? The Law of Conservation of Matter tells it is not. But this was not the doing of a mortal body. God’s righteous right hand itself did create this snot and place it within my body to force out Satan’s particles.
Naysayers be damned, I have saved the snot that has come from my nose and placed it in over 40 mason jars as proof of God’s awesome power. These jars will be on exhibit in my home for the next 15 days and can be seen for a $10 admission the proceeds of which will go to funding more of God’s work. After this time the jars and their contents will be sold on eBay.
eee-vee-oh-oh so annoying
There is no one on television that annoys me more than Rachael Ray. The fact that she now has a deal for her “own talk show”:http://et.tv.yahoo.com/tv/14373/ just makes my bowels shudder. I’d pay $40 a day for her to shut her mouth for 30 minutes.
She “went to Dallas once”:http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/show_ad/episode/0,1976,FOOD_9947_22295,00.html on her show “$40 a Day” and do you know where she ate? La Madeleine and Sonny Bryan’s BBQ! Come on now! Dallas is a city full of foodies and the restaurants that cater to them. Don’t you think she could do better than two chain restaurants, one of which isn’t very good and the other of which is basically a fancy cafeteria?
And is “Olive Oil” really such a long word that it needs to be shortened? Even if you insist on saying “Extra Virgin Olive Oil”, the time savings between that and _eee-veee-oh-oh_ isn’t much. I’m sure writing it down as “EVOO”:http://store.foodnetwork.com/shop/product.asp?product_code=4969&department_code=2&category_code=30&subcategory_code=30&search_type=subcategory is a real time saver, but saying _eee-vee-oh-oh_ out loud reminds me of those people that say _ell-oh-ell_ in verbal conversation: they *deserve* to have rocks thrown at them. Hey Rachael, how about a big plate of _ess-teee-eff-yoo_?
I recently saw an episode of Unwrapped in which he went behind the scenes of many of the popular Food Network programs and Rachael’s set was one of them. She dazzled us with the fact that, despite what it looks like, her studio kitchen window doesn’t actually lead to the great outdoors — it’s just a set. Wow!! Really? Then she went on to tell us that the planning of each show starts with her writing down what she wants to make. Then, someone else looks it over and makes a recipe for it. Finally, she looks at it in this nice thick three-ring binder and approves it. That’s just fascinating, Rachael, do you watch paint dry too?
Obviously, she must be doing something (or someone) right. You know, she isn’t unattractive. Maybe she’s using her looks to her advantage? Does she wear low-cut shirts and lean over a lot? In order to keep myself on a regular sleep schedule, I don’t watch her shows, so I’m not sure. Maybe one of her fans can shed some light on this.
some advice about Katie for CBS
Katie Couric has moved from the Today show to the CBS Evening News. The big story, of course, is how CBS can use her to increase its ratings for the evening news market.
Well, CBS, here’s some free advice for you: put a bag over her head so we don’t have to see the gaping hole in her face. As “fantastic as her legs may be”:http://www.tunc.biz/couric_fan.htm, as far as I’m concerned, she may as well be an amputee with a face like that. Now I don’t know anything about the news anchoring business and she may very well be fantastic at it, but if you’re buying her to give people something to look at, “as it has been suggested”:http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5324687, then that face has got to go.
We bash everything equally around here, folks.
