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children: my anti-stress

Aug 14th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
2 comments

finding peaceA month or so ago I realized that a lot of stuff was putting me under stress that I just didn’t need. I realized that as much as I wanted that stuff, when served with that much stress it just wasn’t worth it. I’m talking about a mix of small silly things and much larger more important things.

Not only was it wearing me thin, but I was transferring lots of it to Celeste. Realizing that last bit was the moment of impact. When I realized how much my being stressed out affected her it was suddenly no longer an option.

You’d be amazed at how good having a child has been at DE-STRESSING my life. Based on many reports from many parents you’d think it would be just the opposite, but not for me. I truly believe that, for most people, if they have a child and take the same stance on parenting that I have taken, will be be better, happier, more peaceful people.

(Please Note: I’m not saying there is anything wrong with any other parenting stance in particular, just that mine is particularly good for de-stressing. I’m also not suggesting that this is the only way to find peace in life. Finally, I’m not at all saying that people who feel they are too stressed out should have a child and solve all their problems.)

Celeste has changed my life in so many wonderful ways. She brings out the best in me.

In fact, the only things left in my life that are somewhat annoying or stressful is my job, occasional bouts of loneliness, and my highly active (over active?) libido.

If I could find an attractive, loyal, artsy girl who enjoys nature, children, and simple living who would require personal time yet would be dedicated to the concept of family (chosen or otherwise), who had a similar libido and an interest in me, that’d be ideal. That’s not asking for too much, is it? Ha! Applications are being accepted!

Then, all I’d have left to complain about would be the job and I’m well on my way toward fixing that.

this is the point: to live

Aug 11th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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in the middle

in the middle

1) As a friend pointed out today, life is a journey, not a destination. The potholes along the way are unimportant, and where we end up when we finally stop matters the least of all. What does matter is how we get there, and what we learn along the way. There’s a quotation supposedly in Playboy magazine from Stanley Kubrick that is fitting:

The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism — and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong — and lucky — he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s élan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death — however mutable man may be able to make them — our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.

2) I’m managing to recapture some faith in myself. Not only my ability to “do it” but my ability to do it “alone” if necessary.

jumbled above

jumbled above

3) I’m also regaining faith in my own intuition. For a while it was as though I had intuition vertigo. I could manage to work it out, but it was always too late and only with great effort. It became such a chore that I stopped relying on it at all. Slowly, I’m finding focus and stability there and I’m relearning how to trust that sense. 4) I no longer feel so driven to produce something notable. It’s not that I don’t want to, or that I don’t have the desire to do so. Not at all. But there was a time where I thought that life was pointless if I didn’t do something memorable. I realize now that life is still pointless even if I do — except that it isn’t. When focused on a destination, it is pointless. When focused on the journey life’s point becomes clear — THE POINT IS TO LIVE! 5) The more I reach out to people, the more alone I feel. And when I stop reaching, yet remain open to contact, the more that I find that life reaches out to me. I just need to be ready to grab it.

a point of weakness

Aug 10th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I usually think before I act. To a fault, almost. Selfishness and impulse and drive for instant gratification has been all but driven out. But there’s a little nugget in the center of me that works in exactly the opposite manner — a compacted and compressed piece of Id surrounded by Ego walls. Walls, however, sometimes have cracks — cracks that turn into leaks.

I could certainly stand to have a little more passion and selfishness influence my day to day decisions. But when it makes it’s way to the front to lead this body and mind around this planet for a bit, it can get difficult.

Balance is key, of course. But that changes I make take some time to take effect. If I’m not patient enough and make a second adjustment before the first has been fully realized, then I overshoot. And, at the same time, it’s nice to know I can let those uncapped, unchecked, unthrottled aspects of me out once in a while. So building a stronger, bigger, thicker wall is not the answer. And every door has a point of weakness.

DITL 2009-07-30

Aug 4th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Here are the images I took on July 30th, 2009. The day is filled with fun. Quick recap: morning, work, get Celeste, dinner, play, park, ice cream.

Enjoy! (click on the image to advance to the next photo) Or, just view the entire set on Flickr.

Get the flash player here: http://www.adobe.com/flashplayer

and now on to the next

Jul 30th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I’m not one to celebrate a success before it’s time. However, there are some goals that never really finish (like, “quit smoking”, for example). Eventually we have to give ourselves some credit and move on to the next thing. So that’s what I’m doing.

There will be hard days and there will be easy days and most will land somewhere in between. But, I believe I’ve found a happy, healthy, rich method with which to give Celeste the attention and guidance she deserves while still caring for myself and getting the things done that society has made a requirement. It seems as though the very bad days are behind us and that I’ve gotten to a spot where I can quickly adjust based on her mood, my mood, any physical illness, and account for whatever behaviors she’s seen while away from me that may be out-of-line with what I think works best for her and myself.

So hooray for that. Celebrations will be held indefinitely.

And now on to the next.

weekend recap

Jul 27th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Sometimes I have to go back and read my last entry just to remember where I left off. I have more to say than I have time to write. That’s probably for the best.

Friday

So, as I mentioned last time, Friday was filled with swimming at the lake, Fireworks, and good friends.

cousins

Saturday

Saturday morning we went to the McKinney Farmer’s Market. We had so much fun eating blue berries looking at beautiful produce and walking under the trees. I really like McKinney in general. Maybe I should move there?

Celeste passed out on the way home, which I hadn’t intended to happen until we were on the way to my dad’s. I got her out of the car, put her in bed, did some chores, packed some bags, put her back in the car, and got her 10 minutes away from my dad’s house before she woke up. I must have taken my Daddy-Power pill that morning. Either that or the LuckyLayla‘s Drinkable Strawberry Yogurt C and I shared at the farmer’s market was responsible.

We got to my dad’s and did the birthday thing: mine, my mom’s, and my brother-in-law’s. Birthdays are way different as you get older. Presence becomes far more important than presents, which is as it should be, I think.

the end of the tunnel

After birthday fun, C and I met some friends at Central Market for live music, a way-too-big-for-Celeste playground, and dinner. I let C climb one thing that was just too big for her. She sees all the other kids doing it and she wants to do it too. She did surprisingly well. If it wasn’t for the fact that she just didn’t want to finish and tried to come down the thing backwards, I don’t think I would have had to help her at all.

After dinner, we went over to play with our friends until well after 10 o’clock. Then back to my mom’s house for sleep.

Sunday

I got up before Celeste, played with an Eye-Fi Card (cool product which could be SO much better if they’d hire some decent programmers. more later?), and tried to fight off a headache. Once Celeste got up, we went to the park, went for a nice walk, played on the playground, and had some oranges for a snack. My nieces and my nephew came with us. It was HOT, but, we still need some outside time. A few hours later we went back to my dad’s for a nap.

interesting light

My Dad, who really should open a restaurant, made some awesome slow cooked pork fajitas, then I helped my brother get his iPhone working on T-Mobile (more later?)

For dinner, we met some friends at Cafe Express in Southlake, but not before Celeste and I played for a bit on the big hill just across the street. After dinner we went to the Fritz Park Petting Zoo with our friends. We got rained out and a lot of the animals were not available, most likely due to the coming rain, but we had a great time anyway. It’s awesome how kids can make the most fun out of something so simple. In this case, it was a set of red stairs and a red painted deck. I forgot my real camera at my dad’s, and it was a bit too dark to get anything good with the point and shoot. But I tried.

a blurry TADA!

Driving home took a while as we got stuck in a huge downpour. It’s good though, we need the rain. Hopefully, today will have a bit cooler temperatures thanks to it. Once we got home, C and I fed the cats, watered the plants, went for a walk, took a bath, and went to bed.

Today

I’m going to call C’s doctor this morning and see if I can move her 18 month checkup from tomorrow to today. She’s got a bad cough and some kids at her school have had bronchitis, one of which developed into pneumonia. Other than that, C is in daycare, I have to work, and at some point this afternoon I need to get cat food. We haven’t gone swimming in a while, maybe that’ll be tonight’s plan.

little pieces

Jul 25th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
2 comments

You might be surprised at how many times I’ve sat down to write as I am now, and the first things I’ve typed have said something to indicate that I had no idea what I was going to write and I hoped that, in the end, it was at least a little interesting for you, and a little helpful for me. Often, by the end, there is a clear point and I delete those words. Maybe I will today too.

hopeful

hopeful

A Dream and a Kiss

My dreams have never been at all similar to the types of dreams I hear most people talk about. For instance, until fairly recently, I’d never had a dream about any kind of sexual activity. Nudity, sure, but that’s it. When it finally did happen, it was mostly awkward in my dream and left me laughing about it when I woke.

Last night I dreamt about a kiss. Not only was it an unexpected dream, but the kiss itself was unexpected in the dream, lasted all of 3 seconds, and was quite wonderful. I’m not sure what that says about me or how I’m supposed to interpret it. Maybe I really don’t care. It was a nice dream. In true form for me, the other participant was not anyone that I currently have romantic interest in. Not that I wouldn’t or won’t in the future. It’s just the way things work. And I use the words “romantic interest” very loosely. I am, after all, a recently separated, single father with a stressful job who lives far away from everyone he knows.

A Lake and Fireworks

I spent last night at the lake with good friends, swimming and watching fireworks. I’ve brought Celeste swimming quite a bit this summer and she’s taken to the water like a fish. With so many boats in the lake, this was her first time to experience waves of any kind. Though they were small, some were at least half her height and definitely capable of overpowering her. She did well though. The first few knocked her underwater. She’s known how to hold her breath for quite a while, so that wasn’t a problem. She’d wait for me to scoop her up and then try again. Eventually, she let go of some of her independence when she realized she’d have a lot more fun in the “deep” water if she held on to something like my leg. If I wasn’t walking fast enough for her she’d say “Dada! Move!”. I’d ask her which way and she’d point out toward the middle of the lake. And that’s one reason among millions why she brings so much light into my life.

My clothes were still wet when I got home.

admiration

admiration

My Time and a Break

A good friend recently asked me, in regard to parenthood, “But, don’t you ever enjoy a break?” This is my response to her, with some editing and more added in.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy a break. But, when I get one, more often than not, I just find myself wishing Celeste was there. Especially after more than a few hours. More than anything it’d be nice to be able to “tag out” every now and then when I get frustrated or overwhelmed. That way I can calm down in my own space without having to do it in front of Celeste. But, that’s not a choice I have so I’m doing the best that I can.

I think if I had a partner — like a real partner, with two-way communication and sharing of duties, though not necessarily a wife or even a female — I’d have the best of both worlds. Then I could ask for a morning every now and then to myself and go find a sunrise and not have to worry about taking Celeste with me. Or I could stay up late and drink here and there not worry about having to be up in the morning with the kiddo.

Then again, when I do have time away from her (which is far too often) I rarely, if ever, spend it out drinking. And, though I’m not sure her young mind can possibly appreciate it in the same way I do, one of the things I look forward to most is being able to show my daughter a waterside sunrise one day.

I do have plenty of Daniel Time, despite my packed schedule and constant lists of chores. But, if I get to choose how to spend my Daniel time, it’ll probably be surrounded by my friends and their kids and, ideally, my kid too.

Parenting and Friends

I don’t think parenthood is something everyone should engage in. In these times, being a parent is not a requirement for our race to thrive. And there are enough distractions in life to make a childless life VERY rewarding. I don’t judge anyone who chooses not to have children and I appreciate all of those who choose to spend time with mine. But I do believe that almost everyone is capable of being a good parent if they can let go of time tables and silly schedules and just trust themselves.

And I think that parenting is always done best surrounded by as many people as possible. Yesterday was amazing: 6 kids, 5 adults, and everyone naturally looking out for everyone else. We all watched out for eachother’s kids and, even with sharp cliffs nearby in the almost pitch black, we could all rest assured that turning our eyes away from our children was an okay thing to do, because there were so many others watching out for them.

places we go

Jul 21st, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

the places we go

There are places we go, deep in the woods, in a song, in our minds.

The movement of arms and the pulling of shirt halts the dream.

Reality snaps back in place: A soft smile under dark glasses.

A closed fist and a deep breath bring peace again. Temporarily.

Count to 10. Suddenly it almost didn’t happen.

Almost.

Vacation, Day VIII

Jul 20th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Celeste poses near flowers

Celeste poses near flowers

Both Celeste and I slept in a bit. I woke up to her looking in my face and saying “da da”. Strange, because I’m usually the first one up. The weather was BEAUTIFUL so, after a quick breakfast we went for a walk to play at the park. Warm sun, cool breezes, morning light, my daughter’s smile — there really wasn’t much else that could make the morning more perfect.

Eventually, we went home, reluctantly, had an orange to get back some of what the sun sapped from us, and jumped in the car to head for Celeste’s mom’s place.

I’d only seen my father-in-law for a week when he helped Jess move out. And I hadn’t seen nor spoken to my mother-in-law. So I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I dropped Celeste off. They were nice though. My mother-in-law made the same joke she always does when she sees my hair trimed and indicated that I had done it on her account. My father-in-law got up to shake my hand. My mother-in-law even compared our tans. We laughed a bit, and joked a bit, and all-in-all a stayed about 30 minutes before deciding that Celeste was going to be okay if I left. And so I did.

what's left after you

what's left after you

I went to my Dad’s place for an hour or so, and then headed to a friend’s daughter’s birthday party. Had a good time meeting new people, throwing around water baloons and just goofing off. However, nothing makes me feel sadder and more awkward than being at an event geared for children without my child there. I was very glad the my brother, David, and his son, Liam, came, because I coulc sort of claim him as my own here and there.

I had to leave a bit earlier than I wanted in order to book it all the way to McKinney for the Annual Photowalk Day. There were about 50 of us, 7 (counting me) of whom I already knew. My friend Kim came as well, which was awesome. And afterwards she and I had a few beers, and nice dinner, and just talked for a long while. I got a little nervous, and the beer hit my empty stomach pretty quickly, so I’m not sure how awkward I came across as. But, I had fun anyway. Kim is awesome.

Then I headed home, tied up a few loose ends and hit the sack.

Vacation, Day VII

Jul 19th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

I decided to extend my vacation through until Sunday and, in that, include Celeste as much as I could for the last few days. We got up bright and early Friday morning, did our usual good morning, potty, breakfast routine. Then we got ourselves ready and piled into the car.

Celeste in sunglasses

Celeste in sunglasses

Our first stop was for coffee and a little bit of walking at the Shops at Legacy. Celeste was very good about waiting for me at street crossings and really liked peeking in all of the windows and pointing out all the things she liked.

Next, we headed to the Dallas World Aquarium. Celeste saw so many animals and birds. I’m not sure how much of it she absorbed because there is so much to look at. I know for sure that she remembers the Aligator, the sharks, the “pink birds” (flamingos), and the Jaguar, which she continued to taunt by saying “KITTY!!! EAT!!!!”. Celeste got a little cranky toward the end as it was past her nap time.

Celeste Ponders a Jaguar

Celeste Ponders a Jaguar

Next, we stopped for a quick lunch at Cafe Express. Toward the end of our meal, a girl approached us and asked me if I’d like our photo taken together. No… not my photo with the girl, my photo with Celeste. At least that’s what I assume she meant. Maybe she did mean herself? Maybe she was someone famous? At any rate, I declined her offer, but I really have no idea why.

In new, awkward, or undefined social situations I tend to get very nervous. This presents itself by keeping me from thinking clearly and causing me to say and do things I don’t mean because I think that’s what’s expected or wanted. In this case, I’m not entirely sure why, but I declined her offer because I thought it made me seem “new” at this or as though I didn’t have many opportunities. I guess I thought that she thought that I was one of those dads who only gets to see his kids every so often due to divorce/separation. Or maybe she thought I was married but that I rarely take care of the kid on my own.

Celeste and her Shells and Cheese

Celeste and her Shells and Cheese

In order to prevent her from thinking such things I declined her offer. But I should have taken it. I would have loved a photo of Celeste and I together and taking them myself with the old “hold out your own arm” trick is never as good as someone else doing it. I’m so silly sometimes. I do silly stuff like that a lot and then regret it later. I did this the night of Day VIII too, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Next we went home for a nap, then some quick shopping at Costco, and then off to Bonnie and Justin’s house to play with their new puppies, slam our hands on arcade machine buttons, and eat some very good steak (as well as handfuls of olives and edamame for Celeste).

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