Image by James Booth

Have you ever heard Akon’s “Right Now”? WAIT! STOP! Don’t click that link! I don’t want to be responsible for what may happen afterward. I’m sure you’ve heard it. I’m quite far removed from the “cool guy” scene and I’ve heard it before now.

Maybe in the bathroom at that bootie-bumping club. Your “accidental” stop on the Top-40 station on your way across the dial. Standing outside the changing room waiting for your new fling to try on what must be the 40th pair of shoes. Through earbuds in an attempt to drown out the nagging about how fat and lazy you are that reminds you far too much of the last fling you had and this one isn’t even half as cute. You’ve heard it.

This song must be the worst song ever written. Ever.

I wanna make love right now now now.
Wish we never broke up right now now now.
We need to link up right now now now.

So why didn’t I just turn it off?

I started Couch to 5K (C25K, A program designed to take you from the Couch to running a 5K in 9 weeks) today. I had done it once before in December of 2008 but was abruptly halted due to (ah hell let’s use the oh-so-PC-term) Life Change Events. Unwilling to give myself any further cause for delay and working toward being a satisficier instead of a maximizer, I opted to let Pandora choose my music for me this time around. I’ve heard lots of warnings (no more ColdPlay!) about how inappropriate Pandora’s music selections can be. Trapping myself into them by starting a run and not wanting to stop to fiddle with music was probably not the best idea.

Don’t do this.

I picked one song that I thought was a good song to run to. Something with an upbeat tempo, uplifting lyrics, and not anything too heavy or thought provoking. I picked “I Gotta Feeling” by the Blackeyed Peas. Yeah, not the best song ever written, but it met my criteria and is apropos for my day considering I have a hot playdate tonight. (Yes, I used the words “hot” and “playdate” at the same time. Admit it, you’re jealous of me and my high-rollin’ life.)

I can’t lie
Watching everyday that goes by
‘Till I get you back I’m gon’ try
‘Cause you are the apple in my eye

Pandora spit out track after terrible track of the most boring, uninspired, uninteresting, nonsense music I have ever heard. Ok, that isn’t entirely true. It did break out with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” which was quite welcome considering what had come before it and what was to follow. But that was the one and only exception and it isn’t even remotely similar to the song I seeded it with. Among all of them, however, “Right Now” was the worst.

The run went well, though. Day 1 of Week 1 is meant to be easy. It wasn’t.

20 minutes of a 90 second walk followed by a 60 second run sandwiched in between two 5 minute walks to warm up and cool down. I traveled a little over 2 miles giving me a just under 15 minute mile. Pathetic I know, but it sure beats the running I did yesterday (“hey, I’m going run into the kitchen for another bowl of popcorn”). I can tell how far off I am from where I was last time by how many streets in my neighborhood I was able to cover. Before I could hit each of them once and a couple of them a second time. This time, I skipped an entire chunk. But it felt good, anyway. Okay, the very first running interval felt good. Even the second one did. The eight one sucked and I felt like my heart was about to rip itself out of my chest for a more suitable mate.

I want you to fly with me
I miss how you lie with me
I wish you could dine with me
The one that’ll grind with me

But still this song haunts me. You’ve heard it, right? The guy is basically saying, “I’m lonely and I want to have sex with you.” And he’s doing so in the worst possible way, over and over again. Any oversexed Junior High student with a Casio keyboard and Autotune could have made it.

Here, erase it from your mind. Instead, listen to a terrible Ukulele cover of “Right Now” that is, somehow, actually better than the original. What, that didn’t help?

Image By Sarah Bodri

For over two years I’ve been taking baby steps and big jumps toward simplifying my life. A couple of time I’ve touched on simplifying my diet as well, but have never really made a strong effort. That’s about to change.

The over all plan is to find myself eating mostly raw foods — vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, etc — as often as I feel the need to do so through out the day. Then to supplement that with 2-3 larger cooked meals per week. Anything that comes in a package (including cereal) will be removed from the house entirely with the exception of a few forms of easy to eat on-the-go type foods — wholesome granola bars, dried fruits, etc. Someday, I’d like to even make that stuff at home. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

So, my first little baby step is to deal with Lunch. It’s a good place to start because it hardly affects my daughter, will buy me some free time during the middle of the work day, and will drastically reduce one of the sore spots in my budget. So here’s the plan.

I will bring my lunch to work four days a week. It will consist of only raw foods or of leftovers from dinners that week. On the fifth day, I’m free to go out with a friend and I should do so without worry about cost, or time, or calories and just enjoy myself.

This little baby step should give me a good step toward weight loss and hunger detection and will also server as a good taste for which raw foods work well and how to prepare them for “on the go” consumption.

Wish me luck, or, better yet, join me and encourage me. Picnic lunch dates could be a lot of fun.

When it comes to everything but the household cleaner, I get my base materials from North Texas Coop run by a good friend of mine. The base materials are dirt cheap and the products are very good. Plus, because we order in bulk we can reuse containers which is a nice save for the environment.

For my shampoo and body soap, I use a combination of Sandalwood, Tea Tree Oil, and Ylang Ylang. Smells wonderful. For handsoap, I use sweet orange, and ylang ylang. For shampoo and body soap for Celeste, I use Geranium and Lavender. For household cleanser, I use Lemongrass. You can, of course, use whatever you want.

At any rate, it’s wonderful, I save a lot of money, and it’s fun and easy to do.

I’m writing this here now because you might be interested in joining us. We’re just about to place an order. So, if you want in, speak up now. Otherwise you’ll have to wait 3 more months. This order is for Shampoo/Body Gel/Hand Soap and Conditioner only. $2 for 8oz and you have to bring your own containers.

Let me know. Quick! I’ll even share my essential oils with you, if you’re nice.

This much I know for sure: I’ve never seen a Chigger. One could walk up to me and offer to shake my hand and I wouldn’t know it. I’m a nice guy. I might even shake his back. So for me, and I’m assuming most people as well, Chiggers aren’t defined by the bug, or the bite, but rather, but the insane itching about the ankles, groin, and waist line.

One of my favorite things to do when trying to keep my mind off of how badly the bites itch is to seek out new folklore and home remedies for the nasty bites. Every now and then, just for fun, I try one of the remedies, just for something to do. Since the descriptions of Chiggers, the reasons for the itch, and the remedies all differ so greatly, there’s really no reason to apply any science at all to the claims. Instead, I’m working on blind faith in the human social machine. “Old Wives Tales” start somewhere… and I’m seeking that nugget of truth.

SCIENCE: This time around I’m trying Ammonia. That’s right. Just pure, plain, so strong it’ll knock you down, ammonium hydroxide, aka NH3 in water, aka Household Ammonia. Just put a little on a paper towel, plug your nose, and rub. For my own safety, and the heightened potential for future children, I’m adhering to the caution to “avoid personal areas” with this remedy.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Initial reports 5 minutes after application indicate that it doesn’t hurt at all, but also doesn’t seem to help in anyway. Additionally, accidental application of Ammonia to non-chigger related red spots, especially those where the skin has been torn thanks to the thick, thorny, Texas underbrush result in great amounts of burning and desire for death.

makes falling feel like flying

…. I did it.

So, last Sunday I jumped out of a plane. And I haven’t written anything here since then. Unless you follow me elsewhere, you might be wondering if I died. I guess sort of, in a way, I did die. Part of me anyway. One of those parts that really wasn’t doing me any good. But, in a purely physical sense, no, I’m quite alive.

I’m not really a thrill seeker. For me, sky diving was more about releasing control and enjoying the moment than it was about the adrenaline rush one gets from falling to their death for 60 seconds at 120mph, or floating 5,000ft over North Texas with nothing but some nylon and some rope keeping you stuck in the sky. Of course the adrenaline felt pretty good too.

But back to that death thing. The truth of the matter is, had there not been an experienced person strapped to my back willing to take control of the situation, I would be dead today. I almost entirely untrained. I would more than likely not been able to figure out how to operate my parachute or how to properly steer myself in for a landing or even find the Drop Zone. In addition, I made a mistake within the first second of leaving the plane that would have surely left me disoriented, unable to regain control, and, eventually, dead. But instead I have an entry in my log book that says “Awesome 360″.

So I did. I released control. I left my life and my child’s future in the hands of someone I just met with the only thing even resembling a guarantee of my safety being the unwritten pact between myself and my jump instructor that, he too, would like to come out of the jump alive and ready for the next. And we both did just fine.

The free fall is amazing. Air rushing past your face and yet the ground doesn’t seem to be getting any closer. It’s almost like you’re floating and the wind is blowing really hard at the same time. It doesn’t feel anything like falling. It’s flying. For 60 seconds, I was fucking superman. I even had X-ray vision. If you ever decide to jump with me you might want to think twice about getting in front of me. I’ll look.

I didn’t even notice that our parachute was being pulled. I knew it was about time because I’d been glancing at the altimeter. When it happened it took me a second to even figure out what it was. Suddenly my feet are pointing to the ground, I can feel my own weight resting on the straps at my groin, and the wind has stopped. Then the parachute fully catches, there’s a slight jerk, and that’s it. We’re not flying anymore, it’s more like controlled floating. The parachute works a lot like a hang-glider. You can steer the thing, make it fall faster or slower, turn in one direction, spin, spiral, whatever you want. The view is amazing.

Then we’re 150 feet or so off the ground and discussing our landing. Legs up at 20 feet, and we’re down. Heart pumping, skin tight, lungs taking in oxygen. You breathe. You look around. You have great respect and awe in that moment. You smile, you laugh, you hug your friends. If you’re me, you even ask a few of them to marry you. It’s just that kind of moment.

Within 30 minutes or so, I’m wondering why I’m not jumping out of plane again already.

The strangest and most unexpected part was the “afterglow”. I already run with a very high libido. This made it even more intense. Even if recreational drug use really is only a way to help us cope with what our society is lacking that we as human being require, this was the best damn drug I’ve ever been on.

I left part of me up there. Somewhere between the yellow belly of the plane and the bright green earth we live on a little chunk of me — a hard callous built up from too many pokes and stabs protecting some piece of me from feeling — tore itself free. I feel more capable of love, more ready for life, and less dependent on this silly society we’ve built around us having no idea what we were getting ourselves into at the time.

I’m jumping again in October. I think you should come too. And you really should click on the image in this post and buy yourself a copy. Because the next time I go, I’m bringing better photo gear, and you’re going to want to see those.

I’m making tea and I step on “The Foot Book” and think, I should clear this clutter. I’m checking the mail and I notice the grass growing from inside my cedar bushes and I think, I either need to pull that grass or pay someone else to do it. I sit down to enjoy my tea and write a few words and I think, I should be cleaning her playroom.

Having a high level of introspection doesn’t do any good if I can’t focus myself enough to actually draw a conclusion from it.

As soon as my little girl wakes up, though, then all that ends. I’ve learned how to give myself a task (sometimes randomly, if I’m unable to come up with a decision) and follow through with it. And I employ this as a rule whenever my daughter is awake and in my care. Otherwise, the confusion in my head only carries over to her.

Those that see me regularly and both with and without Celeste must see a strange duality in me. And now you can see it too. Fun huh?

Doing some research I found that even the lowest of the platform beds I can find hold the mattress at a height of 12″. My frame and box springs currently sit at about 14″. 2″ is not really going to make much of a difference. At least not enough to make it worth all of this trouble. So I’m either going to stick with what I have or build something of my own out of 6×6″ posts and a set of IKEA bed slats. I’m trying to find a way to mock up my plan so I can test it out before buying the material to see if it’s too low.

Sometimes, having too many options is a bad thing.

Consider the husband and wife who have no options other than one another. Due to circumstances, whatever they may be, if they separate, their happiness, stability, finances, and social standing will all be worse off apart than they are together. That couple stays together. Period. That couple makes it work. That couple figures it out. Because there’s no other place to go and all they have is each other. You throw in another option for either of those people, and the whole game changes.

All of this talk of projects reminds me of a few things. I still haven’t painted the base boards for the living room. It’s like a 30 minute job and I haven’t done it yet. I’ve been putting off doing it with Celeste around: paint, heat, manual labor, and a toddler just won’t mix well for me. I know myself well enough. And when I finally get time without her, I’m too busy with other things. Which is why the new “stay home more” plan is a really good lifestyle change. Important for sanity.

Thinking about the flooring reminds me that Costco is currently having their flooring sale again. $8 off each box, which is a really good deal. Before all of this talk of selling houses and renting houses my plan was to buy enough hard flooring to finish every surface in my house the next time it went on sale at Costco. Now I’m not sure if it’ll just go to waste. I know I need to do at least two of the rooms. So that’s a start, I guess.

Thinking of the house reminds me of the fact that I’m about a week a way from finalizing my refinance here, which might be a really bad idea. I save about $120 a month, which is awesome. And rates are going back up, so if I don’t do it now, I miss a window. But, at the same time, due to loan costs, if I try to sell this place in less than 3-4 years after refinancing, I actually end up worse than I was before, cost wise. So deciding to refinance is really like deciding to stay her for at least five years, which is the same as deciding to put Celeste in school here.

I hate my head sometimes.

And maybe renting this place out was never an option to begin with. The guy that came to see it had said he’d call yesterday to let me know what his family thought about the place. I never got a call.

Like I said, sometimes having too many options is a bad thing. My life might be easier and I might be healthier if I simply forced myself to make a choice and then stuck with it. In certain cases, reevaluation is okay after some time to make sure nothing better is being missed. And, in most cases, these choices won’t be able to walk away from me.

I had to go to three different places to drop off my stool samples due to doctor office error. The people in these places all ask the same questions and require the same things. All things my doctor didn’t bother to mention. And everyone is rude which i don’t quite get. I mean, the last person you want to piss off is the guy carrying a bag of his own feces.

My health insurance provider is trying to screw me too. Only one type of treatment seems to be working and they are telling me I’ve already maxxed out my visits for the year. So, I’m going to have to pay out of pocket.

What I need is someone that will do neck and upper back deep tissue massage for cheap or trade. Then I can throw bags of feces at my insurance company.

Two of the three drugs i was given seem to be working. I’m coughing less, breathing better, and quite ready for my conjugal visit. The third drug I haven’t even started yet due to the aforementioned bag of feces issue. So I’ll start that today.

All in all, I’m feeling better (and thank you all so much for your concern). Unfortunately, I also know that feeling better is part of the cycle. I want to break it this time.

My super hot friend Kim has convinced me to get extra hot and healthy by trying hot yoga. So I’ll be starting that this week or next. It’s gonna be HOT!

Oh and did you all know it’s crazy hat day today?

Doctors and doctors and doctors, oh my!

As I mentioned yesterday, I had a bunch of Doctor’s appointments on Monday that led to more appointments and some tests.

I’m seeing a new Chiropractor and Massage Therapist. (Yes, I have friends that do these things professional. But they live/work so far from me. Right now, adding any more commuting to my schedule is just like adding more stress.)

My Primary doctor sent me in for chest x-rays to be certain that I don’t have anything really bad going on since my potential post-infection cough is lasting longer than is typical, but more than likely that’s nothing. She’s got me on two different drugs to help relieve the coughing and open passageways so that the inflammation in my chest will go away and I’ll be able to breathe normally and stop coughing.

My Primary doctor is also worried that I have some sort of GI infection that typical antibiotics help to create an environment that actually HELPS the bacteria. She said that it is very abnormal to have my symptoms for as long as I’ve had them and the throwing up and such from Saturday night is just another indication. So, she’s having me collect stool samples (yes… that’s about as much fun as it sounds) to send for testing. As soon as that’s done I can start a new course of antibiotics that will more than likely be the right one to combat whatever is wrong with me. The stool sample tests will come back in 2 weeks and then she’ll know for sure if she picked the right drug. If not, then we’ll go for course #4.

Those “headaches”.

My PCP also suggested that I see a neurologist which, given my mom’s history, is a super “no no” word for me that sends me into fits of fear. But, I’m trying to be brave. I know that, if any western medical specialist can help me return to normalcy and peace within my own head, a neurologist is probably it.

I’d really rather not use the word “headache” to describe what I feel because so many people use that word that it loses meaning. But it is definitely an ache in my head. Along with it my ears feel full and ring loudly, so loudly that most other sound, unless very low and loud, is distorted to the point that I have difficulty comprehending and any high pitch noises actually disturb me. I lose my ability to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Those of you that understand how my mind works will understand that this means I lose my ability to be me. I become irritable, short tempered, easily confused, and quickly frustrated.

A really bad episode.

I felt so bad for Celeste on Sunday. After throwing up Saturday night and then laying in bed with the shivers for much of the night, I woke up and began drinking as much water and taking as many drugs as I could in hopes that I would feel better before Celeste woke up. I’ve been practicing meditation and calming techniques and I put as many of them as I could muster into practice that morning.

It worked for a while. We had a very good morning. As the afternoon approached the other kids wanted to go outside and, therefore, so did she. This was okay at first. I spent as much time as I could in the shade and trying to relax and just enjoy the day. I made myself focus on nothing other than that which was right in front of me: my daughter. But, eventually, the kids wanted the water slide going too.

Suddenly I’m standing in the blazing sun, lifting Celeste over and over on to the slide, twisting and turning, exciting my vertigo, and even the slightest slow down in pace would start cries for more from her, the very sound of which would drive me to the edge. If there were other kids on the slide, she’d have to wait her turn, which she doesn’t do very well and protests the entire time. If there weren’t, that meant I had to move faster and act quicker. I’m still not sure which of the two I preferred.

Eventually it approached her nap time, she became indecisive and irritable (possibly taking a few cues from me) and we both went down for a much needed nap. We both woke up feeling better. The “outside” portion of the day was over and I was able to relax a bit more and play with her. I managed to focus any remaining irritability inwards or at adults who might actually understand.

All in all, despite the headache episode being one of the worst that I’ve had in a long, long, long time, I think I handled myself well for all but about 10 minutes of it all. Even then, I caught myself and put myself back on a better track, which is good, and something I probably couldn’t have done 6 months ago.

The solution?

Being able to cope with these episodes is only half of the answer. Making them go away entirely would be even better. They’ve been getting worse and worse year after year. I’ve seen doctors for them before and it’s always the same hoops and the same medications and the same dead ends that I grow tired of it after a while and just give up.

But I can’t just walk away this time. There is too much at stake. I’ve got a little girl who needs me and loves me and simply doesn’t understand why her dad can go from Mr Nice Guy to Mr Snippy in 5 seconds flat when all we did is go outside and stand under the beautiful, golden sun.

So I will do what I need to do to let “medicine” have one last fair shot at me. I’ll submit to appointment after appointment. I’ll take more tests. I’ll get back on my allergy shots (which one ENT swears helped his wife immensely). I’ll scrape my own poop into eight tiny little vials and drop it off at the lab like it’s nothing more than this week’s dry cleaning. I’ll take different medications that range from making me woosy, to itchy, to on edge, to sick to my stomach. I’ll keep seeing a Chiropractor even if I have to pay out of pocket because my insurance has decided that 20 visits a year should be enough.

Despite a full time job, looking for new employment, caring for an 18 month old for half of her waking hours, trying to be a good, healthy, social creature, and dealing with all the errands and running around that normal day-to-day life requires, some how, I’ll find time for all of these appointments too.

Down Time vs. Social Time

I also see very clearly now that there is just not enough down time in my schedule week after week. All of you have been telling me this over and over and over. And I’ve taken it to heart in the past and I’ve honestly made some changes. But it’s still just not enough.

I think showing Celeste a good, healthy, social life is very important. She needs to be around other kids, and not just the 11 other equal aged kids in her daycare class. She needs to see adults with adults and kids of all ages. She needs to experience all the little bits and pieces of life and, while she learns A LOT locked into her little daycare room each day, it’s not the same.

Thankfully for me, being social with Celeste also means being social for myself. And I happen to really enjoy hanging out and conversing with other parents. Sure, we talk about parenting stuff which I’m sure can get boring for non-parents. But, we talk about other stuff too. And we have fun. And we build things. And we make art. And we laugh and drink beer. And these are all good things. And I’m doing them with my daughter in a way that’s good for both of us. So that’s even better.

However this also means that, in my current situation, my non-Celeste time is going to have to be used differently. Planning three different crazy things back to back in one evening just because I happen to have the night off is awesome and welcome and totally needed once in a while. And I’m certainly not cutting alone time with my friends and no kids around out of my life entirely. But not every single day that I happen to have off. That’s just too much. I can’t keep up. And I can’t get anything else done.

For instance, I need to start working out. Not because I want to look better (though I do). Not because I need more energy (even though I do). Not because it will really help with my depression (even though it really will). But because I fully believe that lack of exercise has so many unknown effects on the human body. It could be the very cause of my headaches, in fact. Being healthy and active and filled with energy is important and improves every single aspect of life. I think I owe it to myself.

I need to spend more time at home. Or rather, I need to spend less time driving and less time so far away from home. Being far away from home means I have to plan harder, pack harder, drive more, and stress out more. If that means that I’m mostly confining myself to Frisco, Denton, and McKinney, then so be it. I’ll still venture out to Rowlett, or Plano, or Dallas, or the MidCities, or Keller once every week or two. And of course I’m in Irving and/or Carrollton almost every day for either work or daycare. So there’s plenty of opportunity. But it can’t be the norm any more. And I need to stop doing so to see people that are capable of returning the favor and yet don’t. Because that just adds frustration on top of time consumption.

Staying closer to home, planning less, being ready for impromptu adventures, reading more, relaxing more, and letting life just flow more will reduce stress. And that’s sorely needed these days.

Weight Loss Trend
Goal: 1.5lbs per week
Lost Total: 1.7lbs trend / 3.8 actual
Lost Weekly: 0.2lbs trend / 2.0 actual
To Goal: 35.4lbs (39.2 total)
[KINDA MET]
(I am there in actual pounds lost, but the trend has yet to catch up)

5k Training
Goal: 3 days per week
Thursday, Sunday, Monday (late start due to ice)
Current Time: 3.28km in 30 minutes
[GOAL MET]

No Food After 8pm
[changed the goal to 8pm to be more reasonable]
Goal: 5 days per week
I didn’t mark which days, but I can think of only two where I failed this, so, I’ll call it met for this week.
[GOAL MET] – I think

Fitness Ladder
Goal: 1 Rung per week.
Rung 3
[GOAL MET]

(Push Ups, Crunches, and Waist Size not measured)

I think I’ve managed to get the no eating at night thing worked out. Upping the time to 8pm has helped a lot with my crazy schedule. This week I intend to keep really good track to make sure I’m making this goal

I didn’t meet my weight loss goal based on trending, however, if you just look at pure weight, I lost 2 pounds last week. So, I’ll consider that pretty good. The trend will take a little while to catch up since I didn’t get my running in for 3 or 4 days while the roads were covered in ice. Despite still being very cold, they are quite dry. It’d be even better if people could learn to turn their sprinklers off.

For those of you that offered words of encouragement, promise of reward, and other unmentionable offers, THANK YOU! Please, please, please, please, please keep it up. It really helps to have something to look forward to.

Now we start week 3.

Weight Loss Trend
Goal: 1.5lbs per week
Lost 1.4lbs (1.8 Actual). 38.6lbs to go
[NOT MET]

5k Training
Goal: 3 days per week
Monday, Wednesday, Friday
Current Time: 3.28km in 30 minutes
[GOAL MET]

No Food After 7pm
Goal: 5 days per week
Sunday, Monday, Thursday
[NOT MET]

Fitness Ladder
Goal: 1 Rung per week.
Rung 2
[GOAL MET]

(Push Ups, Crunches, and Waist Size not measured)

Not eating after 7pm is going to take a little more planning than I originally thought. The trouble is, on some days, it’s after 8pm before I’m even thinking about dinner. Especially on my “Me Time” days. So I need to start planning reasonable meal times for each day before they start.

I didn’t meet my weightloss goal but, a) I only missed by 0.1lbs, and b) since it’s based on a trend (90% of the value comes from yesterday’s trend) I didn’t actually expect to even come that close in the first week. I did analyze my caloric intake. I’ve found that, without snacks at night, for the most part, my caloric intake is right in target for my weight loss. The only issue I have is that the amount of fat I eat tends to be a bit higher than it shoul be. I’ll be trying to work on that more this coming week.

For those of you that offered words of encouragement, promise of reward, and other unmentionable offers, THANK YOU!

Now we start week 2.

It’s not serious. But it’s borderline. No. Fuck it, it’s serious.

Most importantly, I simply don’t like the way I look. I don’t like the way I look dressed and I really don’t like the way I look naked. Well except for that part, of course. Rowr.

There was a point in time that I liked the shape of my body. I liked the amount of muscle and fat I had. I liked being able to follow each vein in my forearms. That was a long time ago. That was over 40 pounds ago. I loved those veins. I want them back.

The hardest part to admit was that I have bad eating habits. Well I do. There. I admit it.

My problem is not beer or alcohol. It’s not overly large, calorie filled meals. It’s not because I eat unhealthy food. It’s not because my meals are too high in fat or carbs. It’s because I snack. And when I snack, not only is it usually not healthy food, it’s usually in quantities above what should constitute a snack. Waaaaaay above. I could eat an entire bag of peanut M&Ms. One of the big ones. In one sitting. I’m not even kidding.

I didn’t always snack like this. And when I didn’t, despite far worse eating habits and much less exercise and the same office job, I wasn’t overweight.

I finally figured it out. I snack because, oddly, I’m doing nothing else. And the reason I’m doing nothing else is because I’m far too stressed out about the “what”s and “how”s of the things I should/could be doing to actually commit to doing them.

So, because all the little pieces trigger each other, the solution requires all three things to be accounted for. Fun, huh?

So here we go.

ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL…
Don’t suggest I see a professional. I will ignore you at best, yell at you if I’m stressed, or send you photos of the above mentioned naked body if I’m feeling frisky.

Nutritionists, personal trainers, cuddle therapists, massage therapists, chiropractors, acupuncturists, Swedish massage professionals, and exotic dancers: if you have something you’d like to offer for free, I’ll take it — email me right away! Don’t delay!

But I’m not going to confuse and upset other aspects of the equation and throw money at the problem when, at this stage, I can clearly define the goals on my own. I’m a smart guy. I can figure it out.

• Thighs jiggle, need less fat.
• Couch dented, need more exercise.
• Arms like Jello, need more muscle.
• Can’t see feet, need smaller belly.

As I move forward, if I find I have more specific goals beyond “increase” and “reduce” then I’ll seek professional help to reach those goals if I it’s not something I can reach on my own.

GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS…
So you might be asking, how you can help. Well, have I got a deal for you.

I need encouragement, positive reinforcement, accountability, support, and rewards for progress at both big and small milestones. All of this, of course, has to come from me. If I have to rely on anyone else to make this happen, then, chances are, it won’t. But patting myself on the back gets boring after a while.

If you’ve got a some encouraging words, nice thoughts to send you’d certainly make it easier on me. If you’ve got a reward to offer it’ll give me something to look forward to. Hugs, cuddles, words of praise, fabricated certificates, photos of you in a silly hat, lewd photos of you, lewd photos of you in a silly hat, you tube videos of you doing the roger rabbit, promises to wear T-shirts exclaiming “Daniel is my God” are all acceptable forms of reward. Be creative. Make me work for it.

I could also use a Yoga teacher (anyone who knows more than me), a running partner, a hiking partner, a sex partner, and an exercise partner. You know, all in the interest of health. Serious inquiries only.

So what’s in it for you? Aside from my appreciation, reciprocation, dedication, and proclamation of your amazingness, you’ll be entitled to free certificates from the “oh my god daniel is so effing hot” escort service. Need to make an ex-boyfriend jealous? Need a hot date for that black tie affair? Looking for some NSA action? Need to make sure your boyfriend isn’t gay? Then the new, improved, old-fashioned Daniel will be just what you need. Look at this as an investment in your future.

THE GOALS!

WHAT GOES IN…
I know what I should eat. I know what I shouldn’t eat. I know how big portions should be. I don’t need a plan filled with preboxed meals, or a program lined with people yelling at me to point the right way. I just need to reduce, particularly at night.

• Big Goals
  • Lose 40 pounds
  • Lose 4 inches on my waist
• Small Goals
  • Lose 1.5 pounds each week and keep it off for 1 week
  • No food after 7pm at least 5 nights a week
  • Drink a full glass of water before and after each meal or snack

WHAT COMES OUT…
I don’t need a personal trainer to tell me that if I move around for longer and faster than I do when my fat ass is sitting in a chair then my heart rate will increase, my metabolism will increase and I’ll burn calories. Not only right that moment either, but with echoing effects in my body.

• Big Goals
  • run 5K(3 miles) in 30 minutes
  • 50 push ups
  • 75 crunches
  • rung 25 of the Fitness Ladder
• Small Goals
  • do 5K interval training 3 days each week
  • do fitness ladder training every day
  • 5 count increments on push ups / crunches
  • 1 rung each week of the Fitness Ladder

I LIKE COATING MY FINGERS IN CANDLE WAX…
So many people fail to realize the benefits of stress management. I’m making it a part of my life.

Part of this includes Yoga. For now, Yoga for me means either Sun Salutations in repetition or following along with a video, partner, or on the Wii Fit. I’ll advance with time.

Meditation is simply that. I can combine it with Yoga or perform it separately. At the very least, I’ll really gain an understanding of the backs of my eye lids.

Journalling helps me to get the last bits of thought out and bring clarity to them. And I get to whine like a little emo baby. How fun is that?!

There are no “big goals” here, because it doesn’t work like that.

• Goals
  • Yoga 3 days each week
  • 15 minutes of meditation 5 days each week
  • Journaling 3 days each week

CURRENT STATS

Weight Loss: 0 lbs (40 lbs to go)
Inches Lost: 0 in (4 inches to go)
Push Ups: 7
Crunches: 22
Running: 2 miles in 25 minutes
Fitness Ladder Rung: 1

I went 48 hours without solid food. Then I starting eating one meal a day testing both my food addiction and my potential food allergies. I had to stop the “toxin flush” portion of the cleanse because it made getting to work in the morning absolutely impossible since I needed to spend about 2 hours each morning within 2 minutes of a bathroom. Not fun.

The toxin flush, though shorter than intended, was not without benefit. I feel refreshed, I have a better understanding of what goes in and out of my body, and I am most certainly cleaner. Furthermore, I highly recommend it.

The rest of the body cleanse involves making mental changes to produce a cleaner, healthier body. I’ve started strength training regularly. I’m practicing Yoga with intent. I’ve added more aerobic exercise to every day. My arms, and thighs, and abs haven’t been this sore in a very long time. I’m eating less calories and the calories that I do eat are even healthier than before. I’ve also given myself some outs so that it doesn’t feel like such a social shock to make myself better.

You don’t really realize how out of shape you are (weight aside) until you try to perform sustained exercise. (For instance: try holding your back straight and supporting yourself by your forearms and toes only — like a push up, but without moving — for 30-60 seconds without a break.) I had always assumed that all the walking and hiking I did was enough. It’s a good start, sure. But it’s not enough.

# I look good today. And I feel good too. Even if WiiFit did call me fat this morning. My body image is getting better. I know I’m overweight. I am doing something about it. I’m happy with my progress. I haven’t been able to say that in a long time.

And, yeah, # “I eat now“. This means that dinner invitations are both open and sought after once again. In fact, # last night’s dinner was awesome: Lemon pork tenderloin, quinoa, and a bean salad with lemon dressing.

Mind and Soul

Progress here has been slow and painful.

# I’ll make sense of this. Step by step, I’ll figure it out. One by one, I’ll cut off what needs to go and cherish what is left.

I’ve been spending a lot of time digging through my relationships. It’s not something anyone wants to do. In fact, most people don’t even like to talk about it because it just sounds cold and calculated. Maybe it is. Some people are able to just concentrate on the good and let the bad fall off the bottom. I don’t work like that. I have to clear the bad away and allow myself to stop worrying about it before I can free myself up to even see the good. So that means going through every relationship that causes me any pain. First I try to decide if I’ve been taking something personally that really wasn’t. Then I consider if I would have acted the same way in a similar situation. Then, finally, I look at what benefit that relationship brings me.

In the end, I don’t even have to make a decision. It just makes itself. Just giving myself the time and necessity to think about it is enough.

I’ve started rearranging my life and taking ownership of my problems. For too long I’ve been counting on other people to do their part and pitch in and it just doesn’t work. So, I’m taking ownership of it all. I’m giving plenty of opportunity and lots of warning. Then I’m moving on even if they can’t keep up. I am responsible for me.

# I’m an advocate of happiness, meaningful connections, and intimacy. There’s little to no reason to have anything else. And the improved, cleaner me will strive for that. I’ve managed to release myself from one very difficult unrewarding relationship and several other smaller ones. I feel lighter. I feel less frustrated. I’ve been able to sit and enjoy time with my wife and daughter without worrying about a hundred other little things.

Pros:

• I have lots of energy. Lots!
• My Libido has increased (I guess this is a Pro. Ugh. Send provisions, or at least photos of them! Stat!).
• I feel lighter on my feet.
• I am lighter. I’ve lost 5.3lbs since my weigh in Friday morning. Considering that is 3 days time, this means I’ve lost around 1.75lbs per day. (Now you’re more likely to send those provisions.)
• I am more agile.
• I am more clear-headed.
• I am more calm.
• I have more free time.
• I feel better about myself.
• There has been a decrease in Meniere’s Symptoms. I suspected this would happen since I’m certain most of my symptoms are food triggered and I’m now not eating any food.
• The background mental frustration I often feel is clearing.

Cons:

• I crave food. A lot.
• I am more restless (probably because of that free time and my lack of motivation to put it to good use right now).
• Headaches are still present, though fading. Again, this is quite possibly due to caffeine withdrawl, of which I’ve had none for the past three days.

Unfortunately, I can’t keep eating what I’m eating or I’ll likely die of malnutrition eventually. What I need to concentrate on once the body cleanse is complete is what foods I can eat that will bring me noursihment and energy without reducing any of these positive effects.

I’m still not free my food addiction. I’ve deliberately placed myself in two situations where I was allowed to eat food. (Yes, this means that the body cleanse will take a few extra days to complete, but the mental work involved was worth it.) In both cases I did VERY well. I was in control of what I was eating and how I ate it. I enjoyed the food and the company, but did not stuff myself. The average serving at our table of 6 was roughly 4 times the amount of food I ate on both occasions. However, the cravings are strong enough that, without the determination I have now, I would cave. So, any moment of weakness, high stress, or confusion could send me back into that addiction. I need more work here.

The “body” portion is basically a very limited juice fast. It not meant for weight loss, though certainly some will occur. The intent is toxin cleansing. On the surface it looks like it cleanses only the body. But I selected it also because I realized what it would do for my mind as well: Clearing mental toxins.

Each 10oz drink is 108 calories. I did the math. It tastes good. Very good, actually. Better than expected. The liquid of it keeps my stomach full. On top of that the vitamins and nutrients it provides are fairly complete. I wouldn’t attempt to live off of the stuff but, I’ve certainly eaten less healthy meals for weeks at a time. It’s really easy to make. It’s not at all expensive or complicated. With all of this in place, I can be certain that I’m not starving or malnourished in anyway, that it’s not too difficult to keep up with, or costing me a fortune. Basically, at least in the short term, I can be sure that everything is cared for.

It’s a mind game. By proving to my own mind that my body is not hungry, my mind is forced to realize that the only thing crying for food is itself. That part of the mind needs quieting. Even if it wasn’t making me fat, unambitious, and lethargic, the noise that it makes is a distraction I don’t need.

I had to play the same trick with myself when I quit smoking. That’s what gave me the idea in the first place.

With each swallow and each breath I seek clarity.

I may be a bit distant for a while. More than likely I’m just too caught up in fixing myself to have the thought of reaching out even cross my mind. But I’m not seeking isolation. So please, if you desire to, feel free to reach out and distract me from my own mind for a bit in whatever way you’d like. It will be appreciated.

After a few weeks I can move on to healing and you’ll probably notice me reaching out to you a bit more. I’m going to try to continue writing here and posting photographs. It’s part of the process. So even if we don’t get together, you’ll still have bits of me here.

Thank you for understanding.