At any rate, I’d really like this one to be in a less hidden place. Yet, at the same time, I worry greatly about employability. I do have a daughter to care for after all. And money isn’t everything, but it sure helps.

So I ask all of you…

Have visible tattoos ever affected your ability to get a job, keep a job, earn a fair wage, or receive proper service from various establishments?

Even if it didn’t happen to you, have you ever seen someone discriminated against because of a visible tattoo?

I’m probably going to do it anyway. My left forearm. But… I’d like to hear out both sides before committing.

Sometimes it works. Not usually, but sometimes. Of course doing it this way, when it does work I never really know why. But, when I get this desperate, I stop caring about why and just want to feel better. I have money to make and a life to live and a daughter to sing to and friends to enjoy the company of. Laying in bed because the day is too bright or the world is too loud or the ground is too wobbly just isn’t an option. Which is good, because I need fewer options. I just wish I had clearer methods of coping.

I’d really like to stop guessing. I’d like to know that pulling this lever and pressing that button will fix one problem. At this point, aside from sudden death, I don’t even care so much what other things those levers and buttons might be doing, as long as the problem goes away.

Mind over matter, as my new friend Kelly pointed out, is a big thing that helps a lot. Sometimes, truly, I can distract myself enough to let it pass and do the smallest damage possible. But, more often than not, it’s too strong, or life is too steep to let that happen easily. Yet still it remains my best option.

I want more options. So, I’m seeking them.

There are a few things I can control. So I’m going to try them first.

Food.

Celeste eats five times a day. I imagine the less technologically advanced version of myself that lived 2,000 or even 8,000 years ago probably ate whenever food was around. So I’m going to stretch my own food out into 5 snacks and focus on raw foods. This works well since raw food is a good choice for Celeste too. By taking out any risk of chemical or “unknown” ingredients it will also help me determine if there is a food trigger to any of this.

Exercise.

I need more of it. I tend to get lazy in the summer thanks to the heat. I need to ignore that. Drink lots of water and just keep moving. I’m starting the Yoga thing on Wednesday. I want to spend an hour exercising every day that I don’t have Celeste, and at least 30 minutes doing light exercises early in the morning or late at night on the days that I do. So that’s the plan there.

Other things.

Chiropractic Care really helps when coupled with Physical Therapy and especially massage. But my insurance company has decided that 20 visits a year is plenty and I’m now at my limit. I can’t afford $150/week to keep going. So, I have one more visit this week and then I’m done until January. I used to have a Chiropractor (without massage) that worked for $25/visit. I need to see if I can find her again. She was fantastic.

How can you help?

Accupuncture. I’ve never tried accupuncture as a treatment for this. Not a full course, anyway. I know an awesome accupunturist. Sadly, she lives and works quite a ways outside of my circle which means that seeing her on a weekly basis would be less than ideal. Additionally, she doesn’t take my insurance (or at least didn’t last time I checked). But I did manage to find an accupuncturist near my office within my insurance program. So I might give her a shot. But if you have a recommendation, I’ll take it.

Massage. I have found great results with massage therapy. But it isn’t covered at all by my insurance unless it’s walked in the backdoor as part of Chiropractic Care. So, if you know of someone near my home or office that I can afford, I’d love to have that information as well. My neighbor is a massage therapist and I’d happily employ her, but she’s less than a month from giving birth so I’m not comfortable asking.

Herbs. I’ve yet to find an herbal mix that really works. I’ve taken lots of stuff that might work, but it requires continued use to see an effect and, by that time, I never can tell what’s working and what isn’t. If you’re an herbalist or know one, I’ll take any recommendations you have to reduce headaches, reduce muscle tension in the neck, and reduce drainage in the throat.

Blood sugar, sex, magik. You laugh, but I’m serious. In many cases I believe increased blood flow makes me feel better. And, in fact, a lot of the stuff I’ve listed above, in the end, does just that. And blood sugar surely plays a role in that. So I’m experiementing with controlling it to see what effects it might have. If you have reccomendations here, I’d love to hear them. And, it stands to reason that sex/sexuality and magik, which are both exciting, invigourating, and potentially uplifting would serve that same purpose. At the very least, it’ll serve as a good distraction. And I was just listening to “breaking the girl” from that Chilli Peppers album, so, it was stuck in my head.

I just want to feel better. And in the meantime I’m learning how to cope with things when I’m not.

Small Table and Chairs.

I think Celeste would really benefit from a table and chairs set. She’s growing up so fast and having a place that she can sit and draw or play with blocks would be good for her. My mom has a set that she enjoys quite a bit even though she never actually sits in a chair and instead just uses the table. I tried to bring my parents to IKEA with me before to help me watch Celeste so I could pick out and buy a set but in the end my mom got bored of being there and walked out before I was finished looking. So, Celeste and I will just do it without them.

I looked around at a few resale shops and stuff and found very few sets, let alone one that I liked. IKEA has this stuff for a fairly inexpensive price, so I figure I’ll just buy it there.

A Platform Bed.

Also, I’m in need of something to make my bed look nicer. Jess and I had always planned on building a headboard into the wall and so for over two years now there’s just been a giant bed on a metal frame. I’ve also decided I want to lower the bed and/or get rid of the box springs. This will make it easier for Celeste to get in and out and will also keep the cats from hiding/living underneath it. Plus I think it looks nice.

Unfortunately, I’m having a real hard time finding a simple frame that will hold a mattress without box springs. I did manage to find one at WalMart of all places, but the height is the same as it would be with box springs. I also managed to find some low profile metal frames, but they don’t have railing that reaches from head to foot on both sides and in the center. So supporting the mattress with wood slats doesn’t work. I guess I could build something if it comes to that. But, given my current time constraints, I’d rather it didn’t.

So, the best thing I can find right now is IKEA Malm. It’s simple (which is good), seems to be made cheaply (which is bad), is inexpensive (which is good), isn’t exactly what I want (which is bad), but will get the job done (which is ok). However, it’s also one of most common low profile beds I’ve seen in the homes of other people (which is silly and kind of annoying).

Surely there’s some other option?

The WalMart platform frame raises the bed 14″ off the ground. I’m looking for more like 4-6″. The low profile metal frames I’ve found raise the bed 6″ off the ground, but can’t support slats all the way to the foot. If you can find me something that would work better before Saturday, I’ll let you be the first to test drive it. If it’s just a frame, ideally, it’d be less than $150. And if it’s a full bed (like the Malm) ideally it’d be less than $400. At this point, I’ll entertain either idea.

Home Decor? What?

Sadly, Jess and I never bothered to decorate much of anything. I’ll save speculation for some other place and just say that I don’t know why, but that it’s about damn time that I started. I have ideas. Lots of ideas. But I need someone with a mind geared toward this sort of thing to help me keep them in check and then figure out how to make them happen for a decent price. I think I’ll start in the bedroom, since it seems to be lacking the most, and work my way out from there. So, who wants to help?

There is a big difference between buying and renting property for fun and profit, and renting a piece of property simply because you have no other way to get rid of it. The former is a perfect sound business model when done correctly and something I might try in the future. The second is a recipe for stress, frustration, and potential financial ruin.

I told the tenant to call me today and let me know if the offer we’d worked out was acceptable. I didn’t hear from him. I’m going to give him until midday tomorrow. If I hear from him by then, I’ll continue to entertain the idea of moving into an apartment now and leasing to him, but only have careful consideration of him and his situation, only if I can find a place to live I’m comfortable with, and only in such a way that my month rent is at least $500 cheaper than my mortgage. That way I have some wiggle room in all of this.

In the event that he doesn’t get back to me, I’ll try my hand in the market one more time. I’ll put my house up for sale at a fair and reasonable price based on what it should be worth and not what I can get for it thanks to all the foreclosures that recently swept through my neighborhood. If I manage to get a fair price for the house then so be it. Then I can consider buying another house in this neighborhood (or elsewhere) that is a bit smaller, probably one story, and that suits Celeste and I a little better.

And, in the event that that doesn’t work out either (which it’s highly likely that it wont) then we’ll just stay put for a few more years.

Because, really, I have no idea where Celeste and I will be in life in 2 to 3 years. She’ll be ready to start public school and I’ll certainly want to be in a house by then. I happen to already have a great house in a great neighborhood with great schools. If I happen to be somewhere else great by then, then that’s okay too.

And, if I do end up staying here, which is likely, then I’m going to make some lifestyle changes in regard to travel and employment to make my life easier and give Celeste and I more time together.

Your thoughts?

It seems that the two biggest CONs to moving are:

1. Living in an apartment
2. Being a landlord

Since I’ve worked out most of what living in an apartment will entail, I’d like to consider option 2 for a bit.

Being a landlord sucks. There are risks. The tenant could leave without paying rent — especially in this economy. They could trash the place. They could be very demanding of time or full of complaints. They could be late on rent. Lots of issues.

One thing that can really help is a rental management company.

This company locates and screen tenants (including background checks), collects rents, asses late fees, and performs evictions as needed. Additionally, they ensure that all laws are followed, and that the rental property is listed in databases if the current tenant should desire to vacate. They handle all maintenance requests and often work with volume repair providers to supply a discount in costs. They are well versed in what repairs a landlord is required to cover and insures the tenant pays for those that are his responsibility (a sock stuck in a toilet causing plumbing issues, for instance). A quick Google Search find a DFW company that would cost me $630 for each new tenant, plus $120/mo. Over the course of a year that’s $2070.

If the cost of maintenance is a concern, there are also companies that provide unlimited maintenance calls and all associated labor and most parts for a set annual fee plus a per visit cost. The per visit cost is passed in whole or in part on to the tenant and some risk is removed this way.

Of course, in the end, the financial risk is still mine. Assuming the tenants aren’t malicious or careless, presumably any expense I incur for repairs is something that would have broken anyway if I had been living there.

The bottom line.

Assuming I hire a management company to keep me safe and keep hassles low, after I factor in HOA dues and all of that, given my current mortgage payment and the rough estimate for monthly rent, here’s where I come out:

I’ll lose $200/mo.

I know that sounds horrible, and it is. I might be able to negotiate or refinance a little away from that, but, for the most part, that’s where I’m at. And that assumes my tenant doesn’t skip on rent or destroy anything that wouldn’t have broken if I had been living there.

Of course, even if my apartment rents for the same amount that my mortgage is I should recover that loss in savings. Of course, that’s all a guess based on anticipated utilities, fuel costs, and toll tag fees. But, it should be a pretty accurate guess.

So, given prior estimates and this new information, in the end I’ll be saving $100-200/mo over the cost of living in my house. And I’ll be gaining 4 to 6 hours a week in time. But will have the new financial risk that comes with being a landlord. Additionally, and not minimally, I have the costs of moving not once, but twice. And finally, I have the costs involved with leaning out my belonging to fit a smaller space, and then expanding again when I eventually move back into a house.

Your thoughts?

Apartments

An Apartment (vs a Rental House) seems to make the most sense on first thought. But there are some issues.

First of all even the biggest apartments are, generally speaking, smaller than the smallest houses. In most areas you’d be hard pressed to find a house less than 1300 sq ft. And, in most areas, you’d have a hard time finding an apartment larger than 1500 sq ft. They exist. I get it. But, they are not plentiful.

I have a lot of stuff. Granted, I don’t NEED all of this stuff. But, I have it. Which means I’ll have to do something with it and get something else in exchange if I move some place smaller.

For instance, I have a king sized bed. The smaller bedrooms that often come with apartments can have trouble fitting a king sized bed in it. If it does fit, there’s rarely room left for a desk and computer too.

I have a large, square, bar height dining room table that seats 8. This is unlikely to fit in any apartment dining room.

My living room furniture will probably fit. I have a big living room now, but a lot of the space is used for walking, so there is not as much furniture.

At the very least I’ll need a smaller dining room table, and maybe a smaller bed too. I might also need a smaller desk, I may also have a few chairs to sell. And I have a second dining room table that I’ll need to get rid of. And a large outdoor picnic table.

And I’ll either need three bedrooms, a very large master, or a large living room with a conviently placed dining room.

And I’d really prefer the hard flooring. It just makes more sense. And by the time I find all of that stuff, I’m looking at an apartment in in the ghetto or a place that runs about the same as my mortgage does right now. So, it looks like I’m not actually going to save any money there, and that’s still no promise I’ll find a place.

Unless I deliberately pick a place right next to C’s daycare, I need to assume at least a 10 minute drive in Carrollton traffic. So, my 1 hour round trip becomes 20 minutes round trip, maybe 30. Which leaves me 30-40 minutes a day in time savings or 1.5 to 2 hours a week. Plus another 1.5 to 2 hours a week in work travel. Plus another 1-2 hours in other travel. So I’m still looking at 4 to 6 hours a week in time savings. Which is good.

And I’ll still get my cash savings on less toll tag usage and cheaper utility bills. $200 to $400/mo worth, I’m guessing.

Rental Houses

A quick poke here and there found a decent house for rent in Carrollton.

The rent is the same amount that I’m paying now for my mortgage. So there’s no savings there.

It’s about 15 minutes from C’s daycare, so the time savings is roughly the same as the apartment estimate.

Utility bills will be a little higher and there will be a few thises and thats I’ll have to cover that I wouldn’t in a house, so savings are less.

But, with a rental house I’m less likely to have to make my furniture and belongings smaller — certainly not to the same extent. But, at the price I’m looking to pay in this area, I’m going to have a harder time finding a place and an even harder time finding one that isn’t trashed out on the inside.

It will probably not come with a pool or a playground or any of that stuff like an apartment does either.

But we will have privacy, and safety, and comfort, and space that comes with being in a house.

Apartment vs House

I’ll consider both avenues for now, but I’m thinking an apartment just makes more sense. Also makes me a bit more versatile in the event that I find a house I want to BUY or if for some reason I need to move out quickly.

Is it worth it?

But I still have to ask the big question: is it worth it?

Let’s add it all up.

• CON: I’ll have to be a landlord. I’ll have to deal with a tenant, and make repairs, and collect rent, and all of that. If he stops paying rent, I have to scramble to make ends meet, kick him out, clean the place, find a new tenant, etc.
• PRO: I will save 4-6 hours in time every week. Maybe even more. It’s not huge, but it’s something. That averages out to an extra hour in every day that I see my daughter each week.
• PRO: I will save $200-$400/mo. I will more than likely spend most of that in non-rented months at the house, travel to and from the house, maintenance contracts, and the like. But, it’s still savings.
• POINT: My place will be too small to entertain large groups. But I rarely entertain large groups now and have plenty of friends with houses willing to do so for me should the need arise.
• CON: I will probably have to put a lot of work and effort and money into buying new things that will work in a new, smaller place. In the end my life will be leaner, which is good, but I’ll have to bleed cash to get there. And, in the end, when I do move back to a house, I’ll more than likely want to beef things back up to fill the house in. This is wasted money and effort. But, I might get lucky and not have to change too much.
• PRO: I will have a smaller place that’s easier to clean and cheaper to maintain.
• CON: I will be MUCH farther from the neighbors and friends I’ve made near my house.
• PRO: I will be closer to C’s mom, my friends in Carrollton and Lewisville, my parents, and my friends in the Keller area.
• CON: I will no longer have a guest room. Friends from out of town, guests making a drive to visit, and my mom in upstate new york will no longer have a nice place to stay with me. Sure, there are air mattresses and all that Jazz. But it’s not the same.
• CON: I’ll most likely end up in an apartment. Which means, at least at first, finding places and ways to play with Celeste will be more difficult. All of our old tricks (sitting on the front steps, petting the kitties, and coloring with sidewalk chalk, for instance) are likely to no longer be valid. Additionally, she’ll have to get used to a new place, a new room, a new life style, new noises, and all sorts of new things. But we’ll have eachother to get through it with.

It seems like all of the CONs can either be evened out by a PRO or can be consider a “deal with this one time and be done with it” other than the “being a landlord” bit. And there’s just no way around that one.

Thankfully this first potential tenant seems like a really nice guy. He’s willing to help me out and understands that I’d be going out on a limb for him. Hopefully that means he’ll take care of the place and not be too much trouble. Maybe, when the timing and the price is right, he’ll even buy the place.

Staying here.

Let’s not forget that staying here is still an option. The good thing about it — the best thing about it — is that nothing changes. And even if life isn’t PERFECT right this second — Celeste and I… we’re doing very well. We’re happy. We have lots of time together and a lot of the time that we do have is quality time. Even with all of the issues and commuting and what not, I’m pretty sure I get to spend more time with my daughter every given week than most dad’s do.

Help?!?

As I was telling my awesome friend Kelly earlier today, I don’t internalize stuff like this very well. I have trouble walking away from anything, and making final decisions scares the crap out of me. So… if any of you can shed some insight on this, weigh in once again, and offer any final thoughts, it’d mean a lot to me. I just want to make sure I’m making the right choice.

If I am — if finding an apartment makes the most sense — then I’ll wait until my potential tenant says go and I’ll jump in with both feet and I won’t look back. Because I know that’s the best way to do it. I just need to make sure it’s the right jump before I take it.

I need a safety buddy.

I don’t really have any fears about being alone. I do quite well alone, actually. And if something should happen to me while I’m alone well, I’ll either make it out of it or I won’t. But I don’t really worry about it at all.

However, I’m very frightened about what might happen to my daughter if something should happen to me when we’re alone together. The thought of her being unable to wake me, unable to feed/change herself, and unable to get help — just sitting there crying and possibly dying scares me more than anything else.

Most days her mom and I follow our “every other day” custody pattern. Though we’ve never discussed it, I’m sure if I didn’t drop her off at school by 10am or so, her mom would call to find out what happened. And by noon or so with no call or answer she’d probably get worried enough to leave work and come find out. So that’s 19 hours, tops, that my daughter would be alone in this house before someone showed up to check on her. But still, that’s nineteen hours. The thought of that makes me shiver. Chances are she would live through it and come out physically unharmed, but the thought her suffering, scared, and worried like that — I just can’t bare to think of it.

And don’t even get me started on weekends and days off.

If I can get that interval down to 2 to 4 hours, I think I’d worry less. Then again, I’m, obviously, a worrier, so maybe not.

So who wants to be my safety buddy? Basically, if you haven’t heard from me online in a few hours (which with my Twitter and Facebook habits is quite rare), just poke at me in some other way (IM, SMS, Phone Call) and make sure I’m still breathing. I’ll give you the number to my neighbors and tell you where I hide a key to my house so that, if I don’t respond, you can save the day.

Yes. I’m aware that I’m absolutely paranoid. Supressing it doesn’t really help. I’ve learned that catering to it is the fastest way to silence it.

Hey… that’s YOU.

So the problem, in a nutshell, is that in 3 years or so my daughter will be going to school while I’m a working, single parent. (If you happen to be a working, single parent or a family where both parents work, I could really use your insight.)

Right now, I have a pretty decent situation. My employer is very flexible with my hours. Because my daughter’s mom and I do “every other day” custody, it means I can go in really late one day, and then go in to work really early the next. With her mom having the same schedule every day this means that my daughter is in the care of people other than her parents for between 7 and 9 hours each day. Not great, but not terrible either. And very similar to the requirements of public school.

If my employer wasn’t so flexible, then my daughter would be at school for roughly 10 hours each day. Throw in the fact that she sleeps 10-12 hours each day out of school, and that leaves 2 to 4 hours each day to eat dinner, take a bath, drive to school and back and actually enjoy each other. Again, not great, but at least it’s doable.

When my daughter starts real school, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I picked a random local elementary school as an example. The school hours are 8am to 3pm. That’s 7 hours and a set schedule. There’s simply no way I can make that work alone. And, unless her mom can manage to find a schedule as flexible as mine, having “every other day” custody doesn’t really help the siutation any.

So, as I see it, my options are these:

1. Find a private school with longer hours and figure out how to pay for it. (2-4 hours of family time)
2. Find an afterschool program that handles child transport and figure out how to pay for it (2-4 hours of family time)
3. Become very close with a family that lives very close by that I trust with my child and that is also willing to help. Adopt that family as part of my own. Hope with all my might that neither of us every has to move. (5-7 hours of family time 2-4 of which I am present for.)
4. Make an arrangement with another single parent (guy or girl), another couple, or a romantic interest and tie our lives and living arrangements together for the greater good of both families. (5-7 hours of family time. I could be present for nearly all of them, depending on my schedule and their schedules. Worst case, 2-4 hours I’ll be present for.)
5. Work for myself with hours that I can set entirely on my own. (5-7 hours of family time for which I would, presumably, be present for all of them except in cases where I needed to work and had to find assistance.)
6. Join a commune.

Options 1 and 2 are roughly the same, require the most money, the most stable of jobs, and the least amount of outside help.

Options 3 and 4 and better and then better still, but require more and more outside assistance. As you know, I’m very fond of raising my child “in a village” so these options are quite sutiable to me but require lots of outside assistance. Ideally, options 3 and 4 would work best together. Even better than that, would be having multiple families to suit option 3.

Option 5 is of course the best for allowing me to spend the most time with my daughter. However, it’s also the least stable of all since I’d be working for myself and would still require either a good trust worthy babysitter, or a nearby family to help out from time to time.

Option 6 speaks for itself.

All in all, option 4, with multiple option 3s and an option 5 kicker would be the best.

I’ve got less than 3 years to make it happen.

So, now the question.

To all of you single, working parents or coupled parents that both work: how do YOU make it happen?

In most of the single parent cases that I am aware of, extended family fill in all the gaps. This simply isn’t an option for me. My brother is also a single parent. My other brother lives in Vermont. My sister and her husband both work long hours and live far away. My mom is the most likely candidate to help and she’s made it clear that she’s not interested in doing so right now. If she manages to move to Rockwall and if I do to, then she becomes an option.

I’m beginning to see the light and am slowly starting to accept the possibility and consider it fully. The other option I’m considering is just staying where I am and letting them try to get blood out of a stone.

If I move in with my parents, there are lots of tiny problems that arise.

I’ll have to get a storage facility to put my stuff in or just sell it or burn it. Not fun but doable.

I’ll have to make trips back to the house to ensure it’s being maintained, to make repairs, and to generally play landlord. Not fun but doable.

But what about the kitties?

We have two cats. I got Toby as a kitten in 1999. He’s 10 years old and he’s been with me through a lot. Just after Jess and I got married, we decided to get, Miette together, also as a kitten. Jess is claiming no responsibility for either cat so, just like everything else, it falls on me.

My mom is very allergic to cats. It would be okay if I could keep them upstairs, but they are cats. Cats don’t like being kept anywhere. Even if I could manage to contain them, I’d have to deal with the destruction they’d perform on house while being contained. Ideally, I’d find some happy, wonderful place for them to live and then I’d miss my dear cats terribly every day there after. But where? Any ideas?

Reasons to stay?

Aside from moving in with my parents, the other ideas are not so good. So… what about just saying there and toughing it out.

If I do decide to stay put, I can refinance my house and shave off another $100. I’ve already got this mapped out and haven’t even really shopped around much. I might be able to shave off a little more on top of that.

It’s nice to have my own place. Eventually, I will be able to sell the house. If I’m still living there, I can leave it on the market, continue to make improvements, and decide what to do in the event that someone does want to buy it. I can always live with my parents as we transition from one house to another should that occur. And it will happen eventually, just probably not tomorrow. In the mean time, I can make it as livable and as happy as I want it to be and continue to seek a room mate that will actually get along with me and will work with me to make both of our lives better.

Thoughts?

(This is really not about why I’m stuck with these things or ways around that. If you’ve got something to say along those lines, let’s save that discussion for some other place. What I need here is advice assuming that I am stuck.)

THE PROBLEM

The problem is that we still owe $150k on the house. In this market, I’d be lucky if I could get $125k for it. Recent home sales in my area are going for $77/sqft (which would fetch me about $175k) but with 120 days on the market and very few actual sales despite the number of signs up in my neighborhood. As Jess and I learned a while back, they simply aren’t selling for a reasonable price due to the foreclosures. So, that leaves me $25k (or more) in the negative. That’s $25k I simply don’t have to throw at this problem. So selling the house is not an option.

I spoke to a mortgage guy. I simply don’t make enough money to qualify for TWO homes, so renting this one out at a loss and buying another, much cheaper house is not an option unless I start making more money. Recent changes in the mortgage industry keep me from using the rental income to qualify for the second home. So buying another house is out.

My “wife” is asking for child support as well. With a house 3 times bigger than little ole Celeste and I need, a car payment that’s about 50% higher than would be ideal, and credit card debt out the wazoo, I’m living on the edge of my means. Coming up with child support seems impossible. All of these things made sense when we were a team
working together to solve a problem. At two separate entities seemingly working against each other at times, it just doesn’t work.

An apartment
I could move into my mom and dad’s house temporarily and try to rent my house. Once it rented, I could try to find an apartment for Celeste and I.

I’d probably have to rent for less than I pay in mortgage. I pay $1400/mo in mortgage stuff, plus another $600 or so in utilities — $2000 total. If I could rent my house for $1000/mo and find a cheap — I hate using that work in relation to apartments — cheap apartment for us — say $800/mo or so. I might be okay. Utilities in an apartment shouldn’t run more than $200 which means, if I’m doing my math right, I’d have $600 more in my pocket each month than I would otherwise. That’s a start.

Of course, then I’d have to live in a “cheap” apartment which is not really what I want for my daughter.

Mom and Dad
My Mom and Dad are very generous. They’ve offered Celeste and I a place to stay that would include a room for each of us, food, utilities, and everything else you could imagine (including free day care) for free. We would basically have the entire upstairs of the house they have in Keller, a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood that’s just as close to where I work as where I live now.

This would allow me to seek a renter for my house (even at a rate lower than what I pay) and use the difference to pay for child support and start building up a bank of cash to use to help qualify for a new home in the future.

Of course the downsides are not having a place of our own, having limited ability to entertain guests (dates? hahaha), and having to live under their rules. However, we see eye-to-eye on most things so I don’t see this as too big of an issue.

Room Mate
I could find a room mate. I’ve even got enough space to take in a room mate with a child. The savings there could possibly offset some or all of the child support. But finding someone I trust to live with my daughter, that I get along with, and that is willing to live where I live may not be easy. Is this you? Do you know someone?

Abandonment
It’s really a bad idea, but I want to write it down so that I cover everything. I could just walk away from the house. Just let it rot. My credit will be ruined (and probably Jess’s too) and I’ll never again qualify for a house or a car or even a credit card. But, with the amount of money I’d save, within a few years time, I might be able to save up enough to pay enough cash to be considered for something. And, if I can sneak an apartment lease in there before my credit looks too nasty, I could afford a nicer place that might be more sustainable.

YOUR THOUGHTS

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Are there other options I haven’t considered? Which of these sounds the best to you?

Twice this week people I don’t communicate with very often have commented on how fast I respond to emails. A friend mentioned that she had forgotten while I was out of town how quickly one email turns into ten when I’m around. It’s true. I write fast. I think fast. I know what I want before it’s asked for. Everything I do is on overload and it’s this way constantly until i turn it off. Then it buzzes around in the back of my head as I block it out with TV, food, sleep, or the constant refreshing of internet pages that don’t update fast enough.

Sometimes, a big enough distraction (sensuality, art, passion, etc) comes along and focuses my attention for a time. This is when I really start to feel how intense I can be. My mind is still working at the same speed, but instead of jumping around from thing to thing inside and waiting for other people to catch up, it’s almost entirely focused. It feels good — REALLY GOOD — but it certainly takes some getting used to.

With the right intoxicants and in the right situations, my mind can slow down enough to allow me to enjoy several things at once and take in an entire situation in the same way that I see most people doing most of the time. It’s not that I don’t enjoy what I’m doing or the conversations I’m having when in my normal state, because I do. It’s just that my mind works through things quickly by default and it requires a lot of energy to slow it down. Like a good meal, I can still enjoy life when taken in small, fast bites, but it doesn’t taste the same as it does when I chew slowly and savor each bite.

So, I need to work on focusing more of my attention and intensity inwards. This will help me to decrease my expectations from others and will lead me to be less disappointed on a regular basis. It’ll also help me get a more constant feel for how intense I can be.

At the same time, I need to cherish those people who enjoy my intensity and allow myself to be wrapped tightly with them until they’ve had enough. I need to learn to encourage people to let me know when want the intensity and also to tell me when enough is enough before it becomes too much.

I also need to explore more methods for slowing myself down and focusing myself. I need to seek out more distractions: projects to channel energy into, people to share myself with, art to get lost in, sensuality to center myself with. I need to find people I trust to get into situations I am comfortable with to allow myself more opportunities to enjoy life under the slight influence of intoxicants. And finally, I need to find methods of slowing myself down and focusing internally so that I am able to control myself when I do not have friends to help, distractions to focus me, or chemicals to free me.

It’s a long road. This is the first step. If you can help, I’ll happily accept it.

Look at yesterday. I got up at 6:30. I got caught up online, did a little work, wrote, edited a photo, and got myself ready by 9am. I walked to breakfast then walked to work. I was there by 10 and worked until 7pm taking only 45 minutes for lunch. After work I drove to dinner. Then I took some photographs of the city, drove around a bit, and ended up at the hotel by 10pm. I went to bed reading at 11:30 and spent the time in between online. While I could certainly stand to cut back on my time online, it’s not like I’m even a little bit lazy. I do plenty of stuff. I just lack the motivation to do the things I know I should do that also tend to be time consuming or require some form of commitment.

At least for the first year or so, my goal is to take photographs of Celeste every month on or near her month birthday. For a photographer one quick and easy photoshoot at home should be no problem but, somehow, I keep putting it off. Two weeks from now she’ll be 6 months old and I still haven’t even come up with an idea for her 5 month photos. I did take her 3 month and 4 month photos but I still haven’t printed them or mailed them to anyone. The only reason they are edited is because my mother-in-law forced me to do it while they were here. Something so simple and rewarding shouldn’t be difficult to convince myself to do.

Look at all the abandoned photography projects or photo adventures. With the projects, I just keep saying I’m working on them. For the photo adventures, I always have a good excuse. I can find the time and I certainly have the energy. It must be motivation that keeps me from doing these things.

I think I actually have the opposite of motivation: anti-motivation. Maybe you could even call it inertia. I think it is fueled, in part, by a fear of commitment. These larger projects have so many aspects to them. They require planning and dedication. There are people who expect them and are waiting patiently for them. There is something in my head that clicks in all the wrong directions and pushes back on these things. I think I’m afraid of letting myself or others down so much, that I don’t even bother to get started. Give me a series of small tasks to perform today and I’m fine. Give me a larger task to accomplish over a period of time, and somehow, it never gets done.

I have great time management skills. And I’m more than capable of managing very large projects with intricate time lines and rushed due dates. I do this all day every day at my day job. But, when I get home, some how that all shuts off.

At work, the reward for accomplishing large projects on time is obvious: a paycheck and the promise of more work. However, at home, it’s harder to find motivation to make these personal commitments. Most of the people I know undertake projects that benefit themselves and possibly their immediate family. Going beyond that is rare. This isn’t a complaint at all. It’s just the way it is. But the projects I undertake are generally intended to impact more than just myself. I think that maybe the reason I find it so hard to commit to this work is because the rewards are not nearly as obvious.

So I’m looking for help. Someone to share a project with or someone with a goal of their own so we can keep each other in check. Someone offering a reward (silly or serious) for the completion of a project. Or someone to monitor and praise my progress during a project.

Here’s what I’m working on: Skins editing, summer camping trip, celeste monthly photos, wet/water shoot with model, website redesign and migration, sensual anonymity (more models and more photos), rural night photography, clean studio shots of random objects (hi tech catalog type work).

At that time, Justin clued me in to bus-powered USB drives that are capable of working when only occupying one USB port. However, he also warned me that they were a bit expensive and can be problematic and unreliable because USB power isn’t always reliable. I poked around here and there, and the prices were enough to scare me away, let alone the worry that, when I needed it most, it wouldn’t work.

So I dropped it.

Until yesterday.

Sheridan pointed out that bus-powered drives are affordable and work well enough that his employer relies on them in heavy use by multiple developers. A couple of links later and I had several very affordable, seemingly reliable options for moderate capacity, portable, USB powered hard drives that didn’t occupy more than one USB port.

But there is a catch. First of all, it has to be a USB 2.0 port. Secondly, if it’s a port from a non-powered hub, if your USB cable is too long, or isn’t up to the standards required, it may not work at all, or may only work for small files and fail on larger files or during extended use. Finally, even if your USB hub is powered, if it isn’t built and operating in a certain fashion, it may still fail. On top of that, not all laptops are created equal. Some laptops don’t supply the right amount of power the right way so even using one of the built-in USB ports and the USB cable supplied with the drive, you can end up with a drive that just can’t get enough power.

So I’ve got two questions for you.

1) Do any of you use bus-powered USB drives? If so, do you have any problems with them? Are you using the cables supplied with them? Do you use them with a laptop or a desktop?

2) Does anyone have any use for a 160GB portable USB drive that requires two USB ports to operate? It even comes with a special cable that connects to two ports on your computer and leads into one port on the drive.

Nokia N800. This ultra portable device can be had for $220. It has built in WIFI, Bluetooth, and webcam. It has a touch screen and an onscreen keyboard and is also compatible with a bluetooth keyboard which can be had for about $50. It has upgradable SD Card storage and features two slots to make using only one of them as removable storage a breeze. There is a huge user community and lots of available applications as well. Plus, it’s linux based, so it’s a hackers dream come true. Assuming the audio on it is decent, it could also potentialy replace my iPod and maybe even let me trade my smartphone (currently a Blackberry) in for a tetherable dumbphone. To be fair, however, I’m going to need a few SD Cards for storage. 8GB SDHC cards run $40 right now.

Nokia N810. Very similar to the N800, this device includes a slide-out keyboard, a GPS receiver, and 2GB of internal flash ram. On the down side, the webcam is in a fixed position, it looses one of the card slots, and only accepts MicroSD. Additionally, the keyboard is very small and would be difficult to use for any real typing. I already have a Bluetooth GPS receiver if I need that functionality. And, at $400, it’s almost double the price of the N800.

Asus EeePC. On the surface, this appears to have a similar feature set to the N800 and N810. However, unlike the handheld, pocket-sized N800, this device is quite clearly a laptop, although a very small one. It has a larger screen (though the same resolution), a faster processor, a full (though small) keyboard, and a built in wired ethernet port. It looses the touchscreen in trade for a touchpad and also loses bluetooth connectivity. With a more laptop-like stance, this device comes with more offline style applications and the processing power to handle running them. Like the N810, I can pick one up for $400, if I’m willing to go with Pink.

Linux bootable flash drive and my work laptop. I would have to have a fairly large card and a VERY paired down Linux distribution. Storing data on the laptop’s hard-drive is not an option due to part of the lock down. Additionally, a full-blown portable hard-drive is not an option because it takes up both of my USB ports and is far more wires than I’d care to deal with. The plus side is that this would be fairly inexpensive. At average prices, I can probably find a 16GB card and small card reader for $80-140. The downside is that I’d have to roll my own when it comes to fine tuning the Linux installation. My work laptop is a bit lacking in features so this would mean I’d have to find PCMCIA wireless drivers, and the bootable flashdrive would take up one of my two available USB ports.

iTouch.  For $300, an 8GB version of the iTouch can be had. This has the apple seal of approval, which all of the apple kids say is a good thing. I’m not too familiar with anything other than my iPod which I find acceptable but not exceptionally so. While there are very few 3rd party applications available, Apple’s recent release of the SDK means there is likely to be many more on the way. With what little time I’ve spent with the iPhone I can say that the user-experience is quite simple, intuitive, and fluid.  I have no doubt that the applications that come with the phone will be easy to use and perform as expected, if not better. The touch-screen keyboard isn’t the easiest thing to use from the get-go, but iPhone users say you get used to it pretty quickly. I lose the Bluetooth connectivity offered by the N800 which means that a fullish-sized keyboard is not possible and neither is a mobile, tethered network connection. Additionally, I lose the ability to expand my available memory or swap out my storage by using SD Cards. To counteract this, a 32GB iTouch can be purchased, but the price goes up another $200. While this is the “coolest” option, it is also most likely the least flexible, least future proof, and most expensive option of the bunch.

So, what are your thoughts? Is there an option I left off? Which of these makes the most sense?

1) Make a post in your blog/journal containing your 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from something cheap and simple, to a your very own country. Include a method of contacting you if it isn’t already well know.

2) Look around amongst your friends and the blogs and journals that you read and see if there are any wishes you can afford to grant. If there is, and it’s in your heart to do so, then give. If you have the ability to “tag” in whatever you use to blog, you may considering using the tag “makeyourwish” so others can find your list more easily.

There are no rules, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you’ll have the joy of knowing you made someone’s holiday special.

My list:

1. original art by YOU and other LIVING art
2. photographs and drawings of animals for the baby’s room
3. human subjects for photography projects
4. A Nikon D300
5. a hiking/camping partner
6. peace within and without
7. large, empty-ish, enclosed spaces for photography projects (warehouses, barns, garages, photo studios, etc)
8. mostly natural land to use for photography projects (fields, pastures, woods, etc)
9. secrets
10. a device to allow for nearly instantaneous transportation (see any number of sci-fi series for reference design, i.e. Star Trek, Star Gate, etc)

email: jim at revjim dot net