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what I want

Sep 18th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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A few years ago spending time with people that mattered to me and respected me was the most important thing in my life. That hasn’t changed. That still is what is most important. We are, after all, very social animals. Being social makes us happy. And, as I’ve said before, success is happiness.

But the people that I find myself surrounded by continues to change. As the core of my group grows and shrinks and mutates, those that support that core fluctuate as well. While staying out until 3am drinking and laughing and smoking and doing silly things that I should regret the next day but probably wont still sounds like a REALLY GOOD TIME, it just doesn’t happen. Not because of lack of opportunity and not because of lack of desire. There are merely more important things. No matter how drunk I get, no matter how loud I sing, no matter who I accidentally make out with, I wouldn’t trade the smile on my daughter’s face, and an early morning walk with her for it. No way.

But this isn’t about Celeste. I mean it is, but it isn’t. Because I wouldn’t trade a happy smile and a nice morning walk with anyone I care about for a night of carelessness and lack of inhibitions. For me, an intimate moment with someone I care about has always been more important. Now, if I can have both, then I’ll take it.

This isn’t a holier than thou thing. There’s nothing wrong with preferring the super-social acts of silliness and debauchery over a quiet, happy, peaceful moment. Everyone is built differently. I’m not knocking those of you who would prefer to stay out late and party. In fact, if I can find a way to get what I want most and join you too, then I will.

Getting married, or finding a significant other, or having a child, or moving within walking distance of your closest friends changes things for people like me. It isn’t because I’ve changed who I am. And it isn’t because the event or other person changes me. It is, instead, because with that change comes that which I seek the most. And, in having it, I choose it over and over again.

So that’s where I am. That’s where I’ve always been. I seek intimacy and closeness. I seek it in all of it’s forms. I seek it as often as I can have it. And I seek it in ways that allow me to have even more of it, instead of in ways that would limit me from finding it. Often that means being around people with the same priority pattern because it just works out that way. But it doesn’t have to.

I still like being super-social and wild too. Believe me, I’ve still got it in me. And if I can find a way to do both, I will. And if being super-social is on the top if your list, but an intimate, close moment with a good friend sounds enjoyable too, then maybe we can work it out to where we both get what we want.

I’m learning that anything is possible. ANYTHING.

every moment

Sep 17th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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little to see

little to see

This morning, I am just blah. I feel like I’m not doing enough or being enough of anything. Despite having more of it, I feel like my time with Celeste is more rushed and less interesting. I feel the same for what little time I have for myself. I have so much I want to do, and yet I feel like what I get done is mostly mindless administration.

I am working to improve the quality of the time I have, both with myself and with my daughter. I am working on making the administration important and meaningful and memorable, even if that means that everything takes twice as long. Simple things like cooking a meal, or cleaning a floor, or a walk around the block can be an amazing shared experience when taken that way and treasured.

I am learning to appreciate every moment of life. I am learning to cherish every second I have with my daughter, no matter what it is we’re doing. I am learning to take in every laugh, every smile, and every sip of wine shared with a friend and hold it just a little bit longer. I am learning to respect the things I don’t understand without requiring them to picked apart into pieces. I am learning to cherish what I have in front of me without falling prey to my own sadness for that which I do not have. I am learning to improve what I do have without ruining the essence of what it is. Those last two are really difficult. I am still learning. I will be forever learning. That’s really what makes us who we are.

I don’t need a post-it note on my back to remind me of this. I don’t need it written in the shower fog on my mirror in the morning. If I have something to remember, I write it on my hand so that I see it as I’m doing. But it’d be even better if it came from a friend ready to share in that next lesson.

And I can’t sing the blues anymore

Sep 16th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
17 comments

I’ve got a 9am meeting this morning so I have to rush Celeste out the door. This will not be fun. No bath. Eat in the car. And my having to say no in regard to playing, reading books, and going for a walk will probably bring plenty of tears. But… if I can keep a good attitude. Maybe she will too. I could just wake her up earlier, but, she didn’t get to bed until late. And I rather ruin my day than ruin hers.

I went to pay a big stack of bills this morning to find that they were all either not actually bills or already paid. Hooray. Cause I’m running low on cash.

Had a nice time at the park yesterday with Celeste, Bonnie, Justin, and Niece (their dog).

I think it’s sad that no one writes sappy love songs any more. Not the “umf umf, let’s do it all night long, cause I can go all night” kinda song. I mean the “brown-eyed girl”, “I wanna hold your hand”, “something in the way she moves” variety. Or maybe people are writing them and I just haven’t heard them. What’s your favorite love song from the past five years that doesn’t include “li-li-li-lick you from your head to your toe” in the lyrics?

I think my mattress is broken. Or something. It was expensive and purchased within the last 2 years so, in theory, it should still be comfortable. But I feel like my weight has made a permanent dent in it and that shouldn’t be possible. That dent is causing it to not support my weight like I need. Yeah, yeah, insert all the fat jokes you want right here. I’m not sure if I should call them and see, sell the thing and buy a new one, or just live with it. I’m not looking forward to the hassle of dealing with customer service. Regardless, it hurts my back. Maybe I’ll sleep on the air mattress for a few nights and see if it’s any better. If so, at least then I’ll know it’s responsible.

electronic sedation

Sep 15th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
2 comments

I don’t watch much TV, really. But, still, I feel like it’s starting to play too big of a role in my life. After a long day of work and chores and meeting the demands of other people, I put Celeste down for bed and, often, as was the case last night, I fall asleep doing so. An hour or so later I wake up again with an hour or two ahead of me before I need to go to sleep. I have no problem giving myself those few hours. But, what I do with them is important and they greatly influence the rest of the hours of each day.

This should be a time to pay bills, read a good book, prepare ingredients for the next day’s supper, fold laundry, call a friend, edit photos, enjoy a cup of tea, stare into the night’s sky, clean something, exercise, or work on one of my many ongoing projects. More often than not, I find myself too tired to consider any of those things and I turn to what basically amounts to electronic sedation: the television. At least I watch good TV. In moderation that would be okay. But as it slowly becomes a daily thing I can feel my energy levels dropping day after day. Worse yet, I usually snack while doing it. Which means I’ve gained a little of all that weight I lost back.

I slept all night last night, didn’t wake hardly at all, and yet I’m exhausted this morning. Last night I just wanted to lay on my back and stare at the ceiling instead of laughing and playing and dancing and enjoying time with my daughter. I almost managed to convince myself to not get up this morning, and just sleep another hour or so. So I’ll drink coffee and take medicine and eventually make it through today, but tomorrow will be the same story if I don’t stop the pattern now.

So I’m going to have to impose some artificial limits on myself until my natural moderation kicks back in. I’m happy to provide specifics to those interested. Feel free to offer silly, serious, or sexy award for my success. It helps more than I can express.

first train home, I’ve got to get on it

Sep 14th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments
finer details

finer details

It’s saddening and maddening to realize that, these days, nearly every frustration I face is merely a byproduct of a time and work based society without control over our own timeline. Our ancestors did not face these stresses. At one point did we become so dependent on progress that we failed to realize that what we have now is worth living.?

My three step manifesto is going well. I had one failure with #3, but I’ve since course corrected.

C’s mom and I have a new schedule we’re trying with her in the hopes of offering both her and us some more stability. So with the exception of one day a week (Tuesday) and the weekends (which are always wildcards whether I get to spend time with my daughter or not) my days with and without her are now set and are the same every week. I’m slowly picking out what’s going to work best for us. I think that Sunday nights, the only “school night” on which I never have Celeste, will be reserved for me-time. So I’ll put no requirement whatsoever on myself to keep with with any obligations outside of the bare minimum. And I think I’ll reserve Tuesday, the only alternating “school night” for larger projects at home — crafts, cleaning, shampoo making, etc. It’ll make it easier for me to have a set day to postpone larger jobs to in order to help me forget about them and enjoy the rest of the week. And for really large jobs that Celeste can’t help with, I’m only ever, at most, two weeks away. Otherwise they consume me.

This new schedule isn’t the best ever. But it’s certainly a big step in the right direction. As has always been the case with changes like this, I’m now struggling with figuring out how I’m going to manage it all and still put in the time required of me at work. One day at a time, I’m getting out of this.

If I didn’t have the back and forth with Celeste to adhere to, I really think we’d be better off and far happier in a tiny little town with enough land to keep a few chickens, a few goats, and a small garden. Especially if I could find a like minded person or two to share the work load with. Ideally, I’d have a big enough property to put 4 or 5 small houses on with some interesting common areas.

Panic is setting in about our trip to New York / Vermont. Not so much that I won’t be able to make it, but that I won’t be able to live up to the expectations that others are no doubt placing on this trip. I, for instance, have things I’d like to do that have nothing to do with any of my family there. They can come, of course, but it’s more for Celeste and I. I’m worried that our “schedule” will be too much for others to handle. I’ve already gotten two cases of stress. The first was me telling my mom that I was going straight to my grandmothers when we got off the plane. I asked her if she could have dinner for us so that we could see her sooner (knowing she’d want that) and she said that we were getting in too late for her to eat. So then I told her that we’d stop somewhere on the way in and go straight to my grandmas to unpack, say hello, bathe, and get to bed, to which she objected because she wants to see us right away. After I agreed to stop at her place and pick her up for an hour or so and then bring her home, she objected because she wanted to stay at my grandma’s until Celeste went to bed, not realizing how late that might be and not understanding that, once Celeste goes to sleep I won’t be able to leave until she wakes up again.

Ugh. I think I should stop being so prolific. I don’t think anyone actually reads all of this anyway.

success is measured in happiness

Sep 12th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

I talk about change a lot here. It’s not because I’m unhappy. It’s just that I always see ways to make things better. I am a perfectionist, of sorts, but I’ve revised my thoughts there with the understanding that performance and tangible success is not always the best measure of happiness and yet, happiness is the premier measurement of success.

So here we are. It’s time for some more change. These changes are only based on theory though. So they aren’t really changes… they are trials. After one week, I’ll make sure I’m on the right track.

So here are my three goals:

#1) Exercize every day. EVERY day. At least 30 minutes. No excuses.

#2) Send individual invitations instead of inviting in bulk.

#3) Base relationships on their current status, not what they could be or what I want them to be.

Dreaming of Alligators

Sep 11th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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snap snap

snap snap

Last night I had a disturbing dream. This always seems to happen when I can’t find a way to get comfortable in bed.

I was talking on the phone with Emily. Celeste and I had just been some place and Emily was mentioning that there was another place near where we were that served tea that might be fun to visit with the kids one day. So, Celeste and I were taking a walk though a small park that joined the two in order to go check it out.

As I walked through the park I was holding Celeste in one arm and still talking to Emily. I looked over through some trees to the right at a pond and saw an Alligator there, just coming out of the water. Before I could run he snapped at us catching Celeste’s left leg in his jaws just below the knee.

Here’s where it gets even stranger. The alligator didn’t bite all the way through. In fact, if he would just open his mouth she would more than likely have nothing more than a few puncture wounds that would heal quickly. So I was holding Celeste with an Alligator attached to her leg and had a choice to make. I could kick at him, maybe getting him to let go, or maybe pissing him off so much that he attacks us again, this time, no doubt, much worse. I could pull Celeste out of his mouth, more than likely leaving her leg seriously damaged and then run like hell. Or I could just wait to see what he does next, hoping that he opens his mouth and leaves us alone.

This scenario is how I see almost every difficult choice I have to make. And similar choices are currently at the forefront of my mind.

In my dream, the last part of it, from the bite onward, continued to repeat itself. Each time I’d try something a little bit different. The outcome was never good. In one scenario, we managed to break free from the Alligator only to find his friend waiting a few seconds down the path. However, in my dream, waiting it out was never attempted. Trusting the Alligator was simply not an option.

Texas Coast: Day 4

Sep 11th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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(This is Texas Coast Day 4, Saturday, September 6th.)

Kids and Dogs

Kids and Dogs

The plan was to go to a park, then take a nap, then have lunch, then go to a petting zoo, then have dinner.

Breakfast was had but by the time everyone was ready to go, it was already time for lunch. So we went to get some food. Afterwards we stopped at the grocery store, took the scenic route through Beaumont home, and then put Celeste down for a nap.

Celeste and Gumbo

Celeste and Gumbo

When she woke I got her ready to go to the petting zoo, but when we got there it was a sad sight to see. There was hardly anyone there, only a couple of sad animals in very small cages plus ponies that walked in circles. So, we decided it wasn’t worth it, and went to the park instead. It was particularly hot that day, so our trip to the park ended quickly.

We made one last stop at the grocery store and then went back home.

Lots of people came over that night for dinner and good times. Celeste swam in the back yard pool, and really enjoyed the Gumbo that was made. We all stayed up late to watch Bonnie spin fire and then sat and talked late into the evening while the toddlers had a dance party in the living room.

All in all, a good day.

Texas Coast: Day 3

Sep 8th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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(This is Texas Coast Day 3, Saturday, September 5th.)

The bucket

The bucket

We started the day out with some breakfast cooked at Justin’s Mom’s house where we were staying. After breakfast, we headed out to an Alligator Farm. We saw Crocodiles, Alligators, Cayman, Snakes and Turtles. A tour guide gave a nice long talk about the animals and even let us touch them. We left the tour because it was rather long and everyone was getting antsy. We were going to eat on site, but the wait was too long so we picked up some BBQ to eat back at the house.

The pink chair on the shore

The pink chair on the shore

After Celeste’s nap we headed back to the beach. This time we’d be meeting lots of other people there. There were 5 toddlers in all and the beach was full of cars and people. I dug a hole in the sand to serve as a private toddler ocean being continuously refilled by the oncoming waves. Celeste had a blast looking for seashells, rolling in the sand, playing in the waves, and walking down the beach and dancing yo other people’s music. She particularly enjoys Tejano.

As the sun was setting and we’d had our fill of sun and sand we packed up and headed back to home base, stopping at dairy queen for a quick meal.

Texas Coast: Day 2

Sep 6th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Celeste watching Poi

Celeste watching Poi

(Since I’m now a day behind, I’d better include dates to keep things clear. This is Texas Coast Day 2, Friday, September 4th.)

We started our day with an awesome breakfast. Then did some grocery shopping, visited some people including three adorable toddlers, and then came home for a nap.

After nap, we headed out to the beach for a late afternoon / early evening swim. Celeste loved it. She didn’t open her eyes underwater, was not afraid of the waves, and had a blast looking for seashells, watching the birds, and playing in the sand. When it got dark enough, Bonnie spun Poi on the beach and Celeste watched in awe. It was a LOT darker out than this photo makes it look. Bonnie loaned me her Canon G9 which I had on a tripod and took a 1 second exposure to capture this.

I got bit up pretty bad by mosquitoes in the last 15 minutes before we left. 20 bites or so in all. I’m usually almost immune to them. Celeste, who was in my arms, didn’t get any bites at all. So I guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Instead of going with the flow, I was starting to get stressed out about sand and baths and dinners and drives and all of those other things. I tend to be a beacon of peace and anti-stress… until I’m not. It’s like a lightswitch. At any rate, in the middle of all that stress Celeste, who probably sensed it, bit me. And then shortly there after the mosquito attack happened. So, with all of that together, I was in full blown panic mode, which is not good.

Aside from not quite being curvy enough, Justin was a good surrogate wife for the evening, though. He calmed me down, made some jokes, and had fun with Celeste until I got back to my usual self. We sat down for a good dinner, Celeste discovered a love for Ranch dressing, and then we headed home.

A good day, all in all, despite my panic attack.

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