A friend recently told me that my brain runs too fast analyzing what’s being said and thinking of what to say next that it makes it hard for me to be a good listener. She’s probably right. I had always thought that knowing exactly what to say at the right time is what sorted out the good listeners from the bad ones. But I realized, when she said that, that sometimes there isn’t anything someone can say. Sometimes, there isn’t an answer. And when there isn’t, I suck at it.
Whatever skill needs to be employed in those cases — to listen without having the answer — is probably useful just the same even when there is an answer. That skill, whatever it is, is one that I don’t seem to have. But if I did, and this is just conjecture, it would make me a better listener in all cases. So I’m looking for that skill.
I keep a text file on my computer named “things I should never forget”. It’s mostly just small quotes from various people and links to whatever they came from. It’s full of good things. Things like:
It’s getting immensely easier to enjoy living as I stop trying to prove a point to anyone and just do what’s good.
Yesterday I added a new bit of knowledge to this book of my life:
Don’t be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.
It’s no wonder it has become so easy for us, as a society, to tell lies and half truths to get what we want. We’ve seen it used over and over again as a tactic for pacification since we were so very young.
Imagine you’re a young child. Your father is about to leave for the day and you don’t want him to. Your father told you he’d be back at the end of the day and covered you in hugs and kisses, but that it didn’t help to ease you. He told you didn’t want to go but that he had to. That didn’t help much either. Then, another adult tells you that your father is really just going to get you a snack, and that he’ll be right back. That makes you feel better. You stop crying and your father leaves. You’re happy to go on playing and wait for him to return. But he doesn’t. Not until much later that evening. After you’ve glanced at the door so many times that you eventually stop looking. When you see him you’re so happy that he’s there that you almost forget that it took longer than you expected. Almost. But day after day, time after time, over and over again, it sticks and you remember. You learn that people lie to get what they want. They lie to innocent children and they lie to other lying adults. Lying is a fact of life, a required tool. A tool requiring mastery.
When there are turtles under the bridge, when there are fish in the pond,when the birds sing us home, when there’s a frog in the car that we can’t get out, life is good. And those little laughs, the little giggles, the little smiles, make everything that much more amazing and bring warmth to even the coldest days. I am inspired by her, every day, to be more like I want to be. Whoever said parenting is a zero sum game




TTOW: Intense Debate
In this Tech Tip of the Week (TTOW, get it, almost seems like a feature, doesn’t it?), I will present, once again, Intense Debate, a centralized commenting system that has benefits for content authors and readers alike.
Earlier this year I looked at both Disqus and Intense Debate. I weighed each of their merits and drawbacks. I even had phone conversations with then CEO of Intense Debate, Tom Keller, in hopes of coming to an agreement about the future of Intense Debate. In the end, I finally decided on Disqus.
And now I’m changing my mind.
Comparison
Both services get the core right. You can leave comments on various blogs. Your reputation and comments are stored centrally (view my profile) and go with you from site to site. Threading is supported as is advanced comment moderation and spam control. The devil is in the details.
In the past 9 months, Disqus has added OpenID support. However, it was hacked on in such a poor fashion that it’s not even worth mentioning. Despite my complaints and the complaints of many others, this has not been fixed. Intense Debate already had working OpenID support that behaves as you’d expect, and that hasn’t changed.
Both Disqus and Intense Debate upped their plugin technology to allow moving from system to system that much easier. This shows great pride in their work on both sides and is commendable.
Intense Debate has added Reply By Email functionality. And, in fact, has done so in a lightly better way than Disqus because of the additional moderation options available directly from email. Disqus already had Reply By Email.
Intense Debate still looks nicer. Of course this is subjective. However, I feel that not only is the interface more attractive, it’s easier to use and easier to find what I’m looking for. Disqus has made some small improvements in this arena over the last 9 months, but it’s nothing drastic.
Intense Debate offers integration with Twitter and some really cool integration features with FriendFeed. The appear to have more integration ideas on the horizon. I notice little tiny things all the time. For instance, if I am logged into my blog but not logged into Intense Debate, some magic happens (is it OpenID based? or just plugin based?) and it automatically logs me in. That’s just smart.
Intense Debate was also recently brought into the Automattic family, the fine folks behind WordPress. This leads me to believe that Intense Debate will be the innovator of the two. Features and flexibility are what make tools like this successful and useful.
Intense Debate allows unregistered users to, not only comment, but receive notification of replies. Disqus claims they are adding this, but I haven’t seen it. Even though registration is a piece of cake and has lots of benefits, users are reluctant to fill out another signup sheet. I get that. So, with Intense Debate, they can still get notification of replies.
Disqus wins in only two areas.
First of all, Disqus has a “claim comments” feature. This is nice for those who have been leaving comments on Intense Debate enabled sites without registering and then finally decide to take the plunge. I’d like to see Intenese Debate enable this using both URLs and EMail addresses (both confirmed first, of course). Then as new sites bring their old comments into Intense Debate, I can claim the comments I’ve left there as well.
Secondly, Disqus seems to have a better uptime record. I’ve seen Disqus go down once. I’ve seen Intense Debate fail several times and, considering that I wasn’t using their service, I would imagine that means it probably happened even more often than I saw. However, their move to Automattic should certainly help this. And everyone has growing pains, I’m certainly not going to spend too much time harping on this unless it becomes a real problem.
So, with all of this considered, Intense Debate is the right tool for me right now. And I think it’s the right tool for you too.
Installation
If you have WordPress, installation could not be easier. You install a plugin, you answer a few questions, you sign up for an Intense Debate account, and you’re done. It automatically syncs all of your old comments into Intense Debate and keeps them synced just in case you decide to stop using it in the future.
Of course, my writing this is coming at a bad time. Because of their move to Automattic, Intense Debate is currently closed for adding new blogs to invite only. You can still sign up for an account, but you can’t install it on your blog without an invite code. I managed to get one from my friend Joel (who happens to run a very funny online comic called Hijinks Ensue) but I don’t think they are all that easy to come by. Worry not. Sign up for an account now and let me know your interest and, as soon as I can find some codes I’ll let you know. UPDATE (2008-11-12): IntenseDebate no longer requires an invite code. GO WILD!
Commenters, read this!
(Those of you reading this in LiveJournal, Facebook, or any of the other millions of places this gets syndicated to, you will of course, have to visit my actual site to see and use these features.)
Intense Debate works for you as much as it does for me. If you like a comment (or don’t) use the up (or down) arrows next to each one to promote them. Additionally, take a few seconds and sign up, or just use your OpenID (any Google, Yahoo, MSN, or LiveJournal account is an OpenID, among many others) and you can sign in to Intense Debate like that. The features is provides are well worth it and it only takes a few seconds. At the very least, be sure to supply your email address when you comment so you can get replies sent to you.