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local

the distance between us

Jun 27th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

Proximity is a determining factor in any relationship. Depending on those involved the effects can be different, but it always matters. The great big Internet is supposed to bring us all closer and make us all local, and it does, to some degree. But in all the ways that it makes the world smaller, it only serves to remind us just how fucking big it is.

While the virtual world can help us all stay close and connected and make the distance between us less important, at some point those virtual connections become real connections. And, if the relationship is strong and good, then we only want nothing more than to make a real connection again and again. But when you continue to do this with people scattered all over the globe with different ties to different places for different reasons, your ability to see any and all of them in that very real sense becomes distinctly, hopelessly, impossible.

Even a subset of the world as small as Dallas Fort Worth (which is REALLY fucking small when you think about the entire world) is HUGE when you factor in such things.

Look at this: my brother is about to get off work and bring his son over to my mom’s house where my other brother is with his two daughters. They are going to spend the evening together. I’ve talked to each of them many times today via Facebook, text message and on the phone. Each of them inviting me and encouraging me to visit. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing I was there too. But that’s an hour away, and an hour back. And, because I wasn’t told until too late, I’ve already got plans on the other side of the world. And when those plans are over, I have more going on in my own backyard.

If were in closer proximity to them, chances are that’s where I’d be tonight.

But “move there” is not the answer. Because, there will be another night, even tonight for instance, where I am “there” with plans and I get invited to something out “here” that I really want to attend. And then it’s the same situation in reverse.

So because of this, there’s a certain “something” between my brother’s and I that will go missing tonight. Something that, in a smaller, less connected world with either be fulfilled or would have never been known about in the first place.

If all of my family and friends lived within 5 miles of one another, my day to day life would be quite different indeed. This is one of the big appeals to country, small town living, and “big city” living and one of the major drawbacks to suburbia and sprawl.

But there’s really nothing we can do. Our lives are enriched by these connections, virtual or otherwise. And even if we long for them to be more “real” more often, that doesn’t discount their value in anyway.

They say that the human mind isn’t really capable of considering or truly acknowledging or feeling a connection to more people than a small village’s worth. And in our first days, that’s all we had — small villages. And this is why now, even when we hear of starving children in Africa, for the most part, we remain unaffected and unmoved. But if those starving children were right next door, or, close friends of ours, the situation would be much different, and we’d be much more active.

Maybe I just need to be more local.

mental health, part I: a final answer

Jun 27th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

It’s a constant state of confusion in here. In thought I go from one extreme to another and it’s often hard to sort out what’s left in the end. Sometimes, what I need is a final answer.

I’m making tea and I step on “The Foot Book” and think, I should clear this clutter. I’m checking the mail and I notice the grass growing from inside my cedar bushes and I think, I either need to pull that grass or pay someone else to do it. I sit down to enjoy my tea and write a few words and I think, I should be cleaning her playroom.

Having a high level of introspection doesn’t do any good if I can’t focus myself enough to actually draw a conclusion from it.

As soon as my little girl wakes up, though, then all that ends. I’ve learned how to give myself a task (sometimes randomly, if I’m unable to come up with a decision) and follow through with it. And I employ this as a rule whenever my daughter is awake and in my care. Otherwise, the confusion in my head only carries over to her.

Those that see me regularly and both with and without Celeste must see a strange duality in me. And now you can see it too. Fun huh?

Doing some research I found that even the lowest of the platform beds I can find hold the mattress at a height of 12″. My frame and box springs currently sit at about 14″. 2″ is not really going to make much of a difference. At least not enough to make it worth all of this trouble. So I’m either going to stick with what I have or build something of my own out of 6×6″ posts and a set of IKEA bed slats. I’m trying to find a way to mock up my plan so I can test it out before buying the material to see if it’s too low.

Sometimes, having too many options is a bad thing.

Consider the husband and wife who have no options other than one another. Due to circumstances, whatever they may be, if they separate, their happiness, stability, finances, and social standing will all be worse off apart than they are together. That couple stays together. Period. That couple makes it work. That couple figures it out. Because there’s no other place to go and all they have is each other. You throw in another option for either of those people, and the whole game changes.

All of this talk of projects reminds me of a few things. I still haven’t painted the base boards for the living room. It’s like a 30 minute job and I haven’t done it yet. I’ve been putting off doing it with Celeste around: paint, heat, manual labor, and a toddler just won’t mix well for me. I know myself well enough. And when I finally get time without her, I’m too busy with other things. Which is why the new “stay home more” plan is a really good lifestyle change. Important for sanity.

Thinking about the flooring reminds me that Costco is currently having their flooring sale again. $8 off each box, which is a really good deal. Before all of this talk of selling houses and renting houses my plan was to buy enough hard flooring to finish every surface in my house the next time it went on sale at Costco. Now I’m not sure if it’ll just go to waste. I know I need to do at least two of the rooms. So that’s a start, I guess.

Thinking of the house reminds me of the fact that I’m about a week a way from finalizing my refinance here, which might be a really bad idea. I save about $120 a month, which is awesome. And rates are going back up, so if I don’t do it now, I miss a window. But, at the same time, due to loan costs, if I try to sell this place in less than 3-4 years after refinancing, I actually end up worse than I was before, cost wise. So deciding to refinance is really like deciding to stay her for at least five years, which is the same as deciding to put Celeste in school here.

I hate my head sometimes.

And maybe renting this place out was never an option to begin with. The guy that came to see it had said he’d call yesterday to let me know what his family thought about the place. I never got a call.

Like I said, sometimes having too many options is a bad thing. My life might be easier and I might be healthier if I simply forced myself to make a choice and then stuck with it. In certain cases, reevaluation is okay after some time to make sure nothing better is being missed. And, in most cases, these choices won’t be able to walk away from me.

the Swedes and my bedroom: a Satuday extravaganza

Jun 26th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

Late Saturday morning, Celeste and I are going to IKEA. Come with us! I’m getting a few things for Celeste, maybe a bed for me, and a few things for the house. IKEA is just fun. Especially when it’s crowded on a weekend. Well do some shopping, have lunch, and come home in time for a late-ish nap.

Small Table and Chairs.

I think Celeste would really benefit from a table and chairs set. She’s growing up so fast and having a place that she can sit and draw or play with blocks would be good for her. My mom has a set that she enjoys quite a bit even though she never actually sits in a chair and instead just uses the table. I tried to bring my parents to IKEA with me before to help me watch Celeste so I could pick out and buy a set but in the end my mom got bored of being there and walked out before I was finished looking. So, Celeste and I will just do it without them.

I looked around at a few resale shops and stuff and found very few sets, let alone one that I liked. IKEA has this stuff for a fairly inexpensive price, so I figure I’ll just buy it there.

A Platform Bed.

Also, I’m in need of something to make my bed look nicer. Jess and I had always planned on building a headboard into the wall and so for over two years now there’s just been a giant bed on a metal frame. I’ve also decided I want to lower the bed and/or get rid of the box springs. This will make it easier for Celeste to get in and out and will also keep the cats from hiding/living underneath it. Plus I think it looks nice.

Unfortunately, I’m having a real hard time finding a simple frame that will hold a mattress without box springs. I did manage to find one at WalMart of all places, but the height is the same as it would be with box springs. I also managed to find some low profile metal frames, but they don’t have railing that reaches from head to foot on both sides and in the center. So supporting the mattress with wood slats doesn’t work. I guess I could build something if it comes to that. But, given my current time constraints, I’d rather it didn’t.

So, the best thing I can find right now is IKEA Malm. It’s simple (which is good), seems to be made cheaply (which is bad), is inexpensive (which is good), isn’t exactly what I want (which is bad), but will get the job done (which is ok). However, it’s also one of most common low profile beds I’ve seen in the homes of other people (which is silly and kind of annoying).

Surely there’s some other option?

The WalMart platform frame raises the bed 14″ off the ground. I’m looking for more like 4-6″. The low profile metal frames I’ve found raise the bed 6″ off the ground, but can’t support slats all the way to the foot. If you can find me something that would work better before Saturday, I’ll let you be the first to test drive it. If it’s just a frame, ideally, it’d be less than $150. And if it’s a full bed (like the Malm) ideally it’d be less than $400. At this point, I’ll entertain either idea.

Home Decor? What?

Sadly, Jess and I never bothered to decorate much of anything. I’ll save speculation for some other place and just say that I don’t know why, but that it’s about damn time that I started. I have ideas. Lots of ideas. But I need someone with a mind geared toward this sort of thing to help me keep them in check and then figure out how to make them happen for a decent price. I think I’ll start in the bedroom, since it seems to be lacking the most, and work my way out from there. So, who wants to help?

thoughts on moving, part IV: I can’t be a landlord

Jun 25th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
2 comments

The more I think about it the more I believe that being a landlord is going to be an absolute nightmare for me.

There is a big difference between buying and renting property for fun and profit, and renting a piece of property simply because you have no other way to get rid of it. The former is a perfect sound business model when done correctly and something I might try in the future. The second is a recipe for stress, frustration, and potential financial ruin.

I told the tenant to call me today and let me know if the offer we’d worked out was acceptable. I didn’t hear from him. I’m going to give him until midday tomorrow. If I hear from him by then, I’ll continue to entertain the idea of moving into an apartment now and leasing to him, but only have careful consideration of him and his situation, only if I can find a place to live I’m comfortable with, and only in such a way that my month rent is at least $500 cheaper than my mortgage. That way I have some wiggle room in all of this.

In the event that he doesn’t get back to me, I’ll try my hand in the market one more time. I’ll put my house up for sale at a fair and reasonable price based on what it should be worth and not what I can get for it thanks to all the foreclosures that recently swept through my neighborhood. If I manage to get a fair price for the house then so be it. Then I can consider buying another house in this neighborhood (or elsewhere) that is a bit smaller, probably one story, and that suits Celeste and I a little better.

And, in the event that that doesn’t work out either (which it’s highly likely that it wont) then we’ll just stay put for a few more years.

Because, really, I have no idea where Celeste and I will be in life in 2 to 3 years. She’ll be ready to start public school and I’ll certainly want to be in a house by then. I happen to already have a great house in a great neighborhood with great schools. If I happen to be somewhere else great by then, then that’s okay too.

And, if I do end up staying here, which is likely, then I’m going to make some lifestyle changes in regard to travel and employment to make my life easier and give Celeste and I more time together.

Your thoughts?

thoughts on moving, part III: being a landlord

Jun 25th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
16 comments

(All of the input you guys are providing is really helping me to weigh this out and really see all the PROs and CONs. Thank you all, again and again. You are awesome.)

It seems that the two biggest CONs to moving are:

1. Living in an apartment
2. Being a landlord

Since I’ve worked out most of what living in an apartment will entail, I’d like to consider option 2 for a bit.

Being a landlord sucks. There are risks. The tenant could leave without paying rent — especially in this economy. They could trash the place. They could be very demanding of time or full of complaints. They could be late on rent. Lots of issues.

One thing that can really help is a rental management company.

This company locates and screen tenants (including background checks), collects rents, asses late fees, and performs evictions as needed. Additionally, they ensure that all laws are followed, and that the rental property is listed in databases if the current tenant should desire to vacate. They handle all maintenance requests and often work with volume repair providers to supply a discount in costs. They are well versed in what repairs a landlord is required to cover and insures the tenant pays for those that are his responsibility (a sock stuck in a toilet causing plumbing issues, for instance). A quick Google Search find a DFW company that would cost me $630 for each new tenant, plus $120/mo. Over the course of a year that’s $2070.

If the cost of maintenance is a concern, there are also companies that provide unlimited maintenance calls and all associated labor and most parts for a set annual fee plus a per visit cost. The per visit cost is passed in whole or in part on to the tenant and some risk is removed this way.

Of course, in the end, the financial risk is still mine. Assuming the tenants aren’t malicious or careless, presumably any expense I incur for repairs is something that would have broken anyway if I had been living there.

The bottom line.

Assuming I hire a management company to keep me safe and keep hassles low, after I factor in HOA dues and all of that, given my current mortgage payment and the rough estimate for monthly rent, here’s where I come out:

I’ll lose $200/mo.

I know that sounds horrible, and it is. I might be able to negotiate or refinance a little away from that, but, for the most part, that’s where I’m at. And that assumes my tenant doesn’t skip on rent or destroy anything that wouldn’t have broken if I had been living there.

Of course, even if my apartment rents for the same amount that my mortgage is I should recover that loss in savings. Of course, that’s all a guess based on anticipated utilities, fuel costs, and toll tag fees. But, it should be a pretty accurate guess.

So, given prior estimates and this new information, in the end I’ll be saving $100-200/mo over the cost of living in my house. And I’ll be gaining 4 to 6 hours a week in time. But will have the new financial risk that comes with being a landlord. Additionally, and not minimally, I have the costs of moving not once, but twice. And finally, I have the costs involved with leaning out my belonging to fit a smaller space, and then expanding again when I eventually move back into a house.

Your thoughts?

thoughts on moving, part II: the whining game

Jun 24th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

The problem with moving is that if I’m not careful I’ll end up in something just as bad as where I am now, just bad in a different way.

Apartments

An Apartment (vs a Rental House) seems to make the most sense on first thought. But there are some issues.

First of all even the biggest apartments are, generally speaking, smaller than the smallest houses. In most areas you’d be hard pressed to find a house less than 1300 sq ft. And, in most areas, you’d have a hard time finding an apartment larger than 1500 sq ft. They exist. I get it. But, they are not plentiful.

I have a lot of stuff. Granted, I don’t NEED all of this stuff. But, I have it. Which means I’ll have to do something with it and get something else in exchange if I move some place smaller.

For instance, I have a king sized bed. The smaller bedrooms that often come with apartments can have trouble fitting a king sized bed in it. If it does fit, there’s rarely room left for a desk and computer too.

I have a large, square, bar height dining room table that seats 8. This is unlikely to fit in any apartment dining room.

My living room furniture will probably fit. I have a big living room now, but a lot of the space is used for walking, so there is not as much furniture.

At the very least I’ll need a smaller dining room table, and maybe a smaller bed too. I might also need a smaller desk, I may also have a few chairs to sell. And I have a second dining room table that I’ll need to get rid of. And a large outdoor picnic table.

And I’ll either need three bedrooms, a very large master, or a large living room with a conviently placed dining room.

And I’d really prefer the hard flooring. It just makes more sense. And by the time I find all of that stuff, I’m looking at an apartment in in the ghetto or a place that runs about the same as my mortgage does right now. So, it looks like I’m not actually going to save any money there, and that’s still no promise I’ll find a place.

Unless I deliberately pick a place right next to C’s daycare, I need to assume at least a 10 minute drive in Carrollton traffic. So, my 1 hour round trip becomes 20 minutes round trip, maybe 30. Which leaves me 30-40 minutes a day in time savings or 1.5 to 2 hours a week. Plus another 1.5 to 2 hours a week in work travel. Plus another 1-2 hours in other travel. So I’m still looking at 4 to 6 hours a week in time savings. Which is good.

And I’ll still get my cash savings on less toll tag usage and cheaper utility bills. $200 to $400/mo worth, I’m guessing.

Rental Houses

A quick poke here and there found a decent house for rent in Carrollton.

The rent is the same amount that I’m paying now for my mortgage. So there’s no savings there.

It’s about 15 minutes from C’s daycare, so the time savings is roughly the same as the apartment estimate.

Utility bills will be a little higher and there will be a few thises and thats I’ll have to cover that I wouldn’t in a house, so savings are less.

But, with a rental house I’m less likely to have to make my furniture and belongings smaller — certainly not to the same extent. But, at the price I’m looking to pay in this area, I’m going to have a harder time finding a place and an even harder time finding one that isn’t trashed out on the inside.

It will probably not come with a pool or a playground or any of that stuff like an apartment does either.

But we will have privacy, and safety, and comfort, and space that comes with being in a house.

Apartment vs House

I’ll consider both avenues for now, but I’m thinking an apartment just makes more sense. Also makes me a bit more versatile in the event that I find a house I want to BUY or if for some reason I need to move out quickly.

Is it worth it?

But I still have to ask the big question: is it worth it?

Let’s add it all up.

  • CON: I’ll have to be a landlord. I’ll have to deal with a tenant, and make repairs, and collect rent, and all of that. If he stops paying rent, I have to scramble to make ends meet, kick him out, clean the place, find a new tenant, etc.
  • PRO: I will save 4-6 hours in time every week. Maybe even more. It’s not huge, but it’s something. That averages out to an extra hour in every day that I see my daughter each week.
  • PRO: I will save $200-$400/mo. I will more than likely spend most of that in non-rented months at the house, travel to and from the house, maintenance contracts, and the like. But, it’s still savings.
  • POINT: My place will be too small to entertain large groups. But I rarely entertain large groups now and have plenty of friends with houses willing to do so for me should the need arise.
  • CON: I will probably have to put a lot of work and effort and money into buying new things that will work in a new, smaller place. In the end my life will be leaner, which is good, but I’ll have to bleed cash to get there. And, in the end, when I do move back to a house, I’ll more than likely want to beef things back up to fill the house in. This is wasted money and effort. But, I might get lucky and not have to change too much.
  • PRO: I will have a smaller place that’s easier to clean and cheaper to maintain.
  • CON: I will be MUCH farther from the neighbors and friends I’ve made near my house.
  • PRO: I will be closer to C’s mom, my friends in Carrollton and Lewisville, my parents, and my friends in the Keller area.
  • CON: I will no longer have a guest room. Friends from out of town, guests making a drive to visit, and my mom in upstate new york will no longer have a nice place to stay with me. Sure, there are air mattresses and all that Jazz. But it’s not the same.
  • CON: I’ll most likely end up in an apartment. Which means, at least at first, finding places and ways to play with Celeste will be more difficult. All of our old tricks (sitting on the front steps, petting the kitties, and coloring with sidewalk chalk, for instance) are likely to no longer be valid. Additionally, she’ll have to get used to a new place, a new room, a new life style, new noises, and all sorts of new things. But we’ll have eachother to get through it with.

It seems like all of the CONs can either be evened out by a PRO or can be consider a “deal with this one time and be done with it” other than the “being a landlord” bit. And there’s just no way around that one.

Thankfully this first potential tenant seems like a really nice guy. He’s willing to help me out and understands that I’d be going out on a limb for him. Hopefully that means he’ll take care of the place and not be too much trouble. Maybe, when the timing and the price is right, he’ll even buy the place.

Staying here.

Let’s not forget that staying here is still an option. The good thing about it — the best thing about it — is that nothing changes. And even if life isn’t PERFECT right this second — Celeste and I… we’re doing very well. We’re happy. We have lots of time together and a lot of the time that we do have is quality time. Even with all of the issues and commuting and what not, I’m pretty sure I get to spend more time with my daughter every given week than most dad’s do.

Help?!?

As I was telling my awesome friend Kelly earlier today, I don’t internalize stuff like this very well. I have trouble walking away from anything, and making final decisions scares the crap out of me. So… if any of you can shed some insight on this, weigh in once again, and offer any final thoughts, it’d mean a lot to me. I just want to make sure I’m making the right choice.

If I am — if finding an apartment makes the most sense — then I’ll wait until my potential tenant says go and I’ll jump in with both feet and I won’t look back. Because I know that’s the best way to do it. I just need to make sure it’s the right jump before I take it.


thoughts on moving

Jun 23rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
18 comments

(I’m actively seeking insight and feedback here. It’s a decision where the pros and cons seem to be equally weighted and I’m looking for even the smallest thing that one of you might have to help tip the scales.)

[This conversation has been started else where, so some of this is a cut and paste, and some of it is new information. I'm sorry if you've seen some of this before.]

I tried to rent or sell my house for so long that I just gave up and started settling in: Getting rooms defined to their best purposes, Rearranging furniture to suit me, Putting in hard flooring, Making plans for the back yard.

Now I have someone wanting to rent it.

There are two things that would make my life easier right now:

1) Being closer to C’s daycare and closer to work. This will save commute time, gas money, and toll tag bills.

2) Having a smaller place, requiring less upkeep, utilities, cleaning, and maintenance. This will save energy costs, and cleaning time.

These things are both provided for by moving to Carrollton/Lewisville.

Here are the current arguments.

Daycare

C’s current daycare is one of the best there is, we’re getting it at half price, and C’s mom and I are splitting it. That means I’m paying 25% of the real cost. Considering how expensive daycare can be, this is awesome.

If I’m willing to foot the entire, full-priced daycare bill, I could conceivably find her a daycare closer by which would save myself lots of commuting time on work from home days and a little commuting time on work from the office days.

But, I don’t know that C’s mom would drive her to “my” daycare. Which may mean that she ends up paying more to keep C in “her” daycare and then we’re both spending more than we need to. I’d still have to drive to “her” daycare every other day to get C. On top of all that, it may only piss C’s mom off to find that when before she had a 0 minute commute to pick up C, she now has to drive 60 minutes round trip to get her, at least every other day.

Switching to some other custody schedule in order to limit the pickups and drop offs only means my daughter spends MORE time in day care and I have to go LONGER without seeing her. Which is also not ideal.

Smaller is Better.

C’s bedroom is upstairs. She never sleeps in it and I keep all of her clothes in my room. My office is upstairs. But my bedroom is big enough to hold it as well. I bathe C upstairs, but I could just as easily do it downstairs. We rarely, if ever, use the upstairs balcony. There’s a gameroom upstairs that just collects dust and cat hair.

Celeste has a playroom downstairs. If it were a bedroom instead, it would serve both purposes. If I moved my office downstairs then I wouldn’t need the 3rd bedroom either, unless I had guests sleeping over.

Basically, I don’t need the upstairs on my house. At all. That means that at least 1/3 of my house is absolutely wasted and unused.

If I had a smaller place (say 1500 square feet, or even less), I’d have 1/3 less to clean, 1/3 less to heat and cool, and 1/3 less space to fix when it breaks.

Closer makes sense.

Living in Carrollton/Lewisville (from now on C/L) would take 1 hour off of my round trip commute to my mom’s house, which I make weekly. When my mom moves to Rowlett, it’ll take an hour or so off of that trip too. It would take 1 hour off of my round trip commute to work, which I make 2 or 3 times a week. It would take 45 minutes off of my round trip commute to daycare, which I do 2 or 3 times a week. It would take 15 minutes off of a trip to the grocery store. 15 minutes off of a trip to the doctor. 10 minutes off a trip to C’s doctor. In almost every case I will pay less in tolls if I have to pay tolls at all.

It brings me either closer or make no change in distance to almost every single person I know with a few very important exceptions: my neighbors.

My neighbors.

I have the world’s best neighbors. And I mean neighbors in the plural sense of the word. Multiple neighbors.

I’ve lived in many houses with my parents. I’ve lived in many apartments by myself. I’ve never had neighbors as loving and as caring as the ones I have now.

We sit and talk in our driveways. We visit one another for dinner. We’ve gone out to a lake house together. We’re making 4th of July plans together. We stay up late and drink some nights. They helped me put in flooring. We swap child care tips. They’ve offered many times over to watch Celeste as needed. They drove all the way out to my mom’s place for C’s birthday.

They are amazing people. All 6 adults. All 5 kids. And there are even more neighbors near by that I am close with and might be closer to in the future.

Am I just the luckiest guy on the planet? Or was I just not trying hard enough in the past? I have no idea. But I do know that my neighbors feel like family and leaving them, their company, and the support we offer one another isn’t something that feels good.

Conclusion?

My basic math for moving looks something like this: If I move into an apartment, I’ll save about $200/mo on “rent”, $200/mo on utilities, $200/mo on gas and toll charges, and, on average, about 5-7 hours a week in time. If I can find a house to rent instead of an apartment, I’ll save a little less. This is time and money and energy I can spend relaxing, out with friends, or growing/learning/playing with celeste.

The one compelling argument for staying is my neighbors. Yes… I could still drive up and see them. They are only 30 minutes away from where I’m planning to move. And, if where I move doesn’t work out, I’d be renting my house out, so I could always move back.

And at some point in the future my situation is bound to change. C’s daycare will end and we’ll need to move to a good school district. C’s mom and I will change custody patterns. I’ll get a different job or start working for myself. There are so many options. In that regard it almost seems silly to pack up and move everything just to solve a problem that might solve itself down the road. Then again, 3-4 years is long enough for it to make a difference.

What are your thoughts?

to my health, part II

Jun 23rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
12 comments

(You can file this entry among those that will not be at all interesting unless you have a personal interest in my life and my health and, even then, I’m not making any promises. Yes, I really should find another place online to put this stuff. I know.)

Doctors and doctors and doctors, oh my!

As I mentioned yesterday, I had a bunch of Doctor’s appointments on Monday that led to more appointments and some tests.

I’m seeing a new Chiropractor and Massage Therapist. (Yes, I have friends that do these things professional. But they live/work so far from me. Right now, adding any more commuting to my schedule is just like adding more stress.)

My Primary doctor sent me in for chest x-rays to be certain that I don’t have anything really bad going on since my potential post-infection cough is lasting longer than is typical, but more than likely that’s nothing. She’s got me on two different drugs to help relieve the coughing and open passageways so that the inflammation in my chest will go away and I’ll be able to breathe normally and stop coughing.

My Primary doctor is also worried that I have some sort of GI infection that typical antibiotics help to create an environment that actually HELPS the bacteria. She said that it is very abnormal to have my symptoms for as long as I’ve had them and the throwing up and such from Saturday night is just another indication. So, she’s having me collect stool samples (yes… that’s about as much fun as it sounds) to send for testing. As soon as that’s done I can start a new course of antibiotics that will more than likely be the right one to combat whatever is wrong with me. The stool sample tests will come back in 2 weeks and then she’ll know for sure if she picked the right drug. If not, then we’ll go for course #4.

Those “headaches”.

My PCP also suggested that I see a neurologist which, given my mom’s history, is a super “no no” word for me that sends me into fits of fear. But, I’m trying to be brave. I know that, if any western medical specialist can help me return to normalcy and peace within my own head, a neurologist is probably it.

I’d really rather not use the word “headache” to describe what I feel because so many people use that word that it loses meaning. But it is definitely an ache in my head. Along with it my ears feel full and ring loudly, so loudly that most other sound, unless very low and loud, is distorted to the point that I have difficulty comprehending and any high pitch noises actually disturb me. I lose my ability to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Those of you that understand how my mind works will understand that this means I lose my ability to be me. I become irritable, short tempered, easily confused, and quickly frustrated.

A really bad episode.

I felt so bad for Celeste on Sunday. After throwing up Saturday night and then laying in bed with the shivers for much of the night, I woke up and began drinking as much water and taking as many drugs as I could in hopes that I would feel better before Celeste woke up. I’ve been practicing meditation and calming techniques and I put as many of them as I could muster into practice that morning.

It worked for a while. We had a very good morning. As the afternoon approached the other kids wanted to go outside and, therefore, so did she. This was okay at first. I spent as much time as I could in the shade and trying to relax and just enjoy the day. I made myself focus on nothing other than that which was right in front of me: my daughter. But, eventually, the kids wanted the water slide going too.

Suddenly I’m standing in the blazing sun, lifting Celeste over and over on to the slide, twisting and turning, exciting my vertigo, and even the slightest slow down in pace would start cries for more from her, the very sound of which would drive me to the edge. If there were other kids on the slide, she’d have to wait her turn, which she doesn’t do very well and protests the entire time. If there weren’t, that meant I had to move faster and act quicker. I’m still not sure which of the two I preferred.

Eventually it approached her nap time, she became indecisive and irritable (possibly taking a few cues from me) and we both went down for a much needed nap. We both woke up feeling better. The “outside” portion of the day was over and I was able to relax a bit more and play with her. I managed to focus any remaining irritability inwards or at adults who might actually understand.

All in all, despite the headache episode being one of the worst that I’ve had in a long, long, long time, I think I handled myself well for all but about 10 minutes of it all. Even then, I caught myself and put myself back on a better track, which is good, and something I probably couldn’t have done 6 months ago.

The solution?

Being able to cope with these episodes is only half of the answer. Making them go away entirely would be even better. They’ve been getting worse and worse year after year. I’ve seen doctors for them before and it’s always the same hoops and the same medications and the same dead ends that I grow tired of it after a while and just give up.

But I can’t just walk away this time. There is too much at stake. I’ve got a little girl who needs me and loves me and simply doesn’t understand why her dad can go from Mr Nice Guy to Mr Snippy in 5 seconds flat when all we did is go outside and stand under the beautiful, golden sun.

So I will do what I need to do to let “medicine” have one last fair shot at me. I’ll submit to appointment after appointment. I’ll take more tests. I’ll get back on my allergy shots (which one ENT swears helped his wife immensely). I’ll scrape my own poop into eight tiny little vials and drop it off at the lab like it’s nothing more than this week’s dry cleaning. I’ll take different medications that range from making me woosy, to itchy, to on edge, to sick to my stomach. I’ll keep seeing a Chiropractor even if I have to pay out of pocket because my insurance has decided that 20 visits a year should be enough.

Despite a full time job, looking for new employment, caring for an 18 month old for half of her waking hours, trying to be a good, healthy, social creature, and dealing with all the errands and running around that normal day-to-day life requires, some how, I’ll find time for all of these appointments too.

Down Time vs. Social Time

I also see very clearly now that there is just not enough down time in my schedule week after week. All of you have been telling me this over and over and over. And I’ve taken it to heart in the past and I’ve honestly made some changes. But it’s still just not enough.

I think showing Celeste a good, healthy, social life is very important. She needs to be around other kids, and not just the 11 other equal aged kids in her daycare class. She needs to see adults with adults and kids of all ages. She needs to experience all the little bits and pieces of life and, while she learns A LOT locked into her little daycare room each day, it’s not the same.

Thankfully for me, being social with Celeste also means being social for myself. And I happen to really enjoy hanging out and conversing with other parents. Sure, we talk about parenting stuff which I’m sure can get boring for non-parents. But, we talk about other stuff too. And we have fun. And we build things. And we make art. And we laugh and drink beer. And these are all good things. And I’m doing them with my daughter in a way that’s good for both of us. So that’s even better.

However this also means that, in my current situation, my non-Celeste time is going to have to be used differently. Planning three different crazy things back to back in one evening just because I happen to have the night off is awesome and welcome and totally needed once in a while. And I’m certainly not cutting alone time with my friends and no kids around out of my life entirely. But not every single day that I happen to have off. That’s just too much. I can’t keep up. And I can’t get anything else done.

For instance, I need to start working out. Not because I want to look better (though I do). Not because I need more energy (even though I do). Not because it will really help with my depression (even though it really will). But because I fully believe that lack of exercise has so many unknown effects on the human body. It could be the very cause of my headaches, in fact. Being healthy and active and filled with energy is important and improves every single aspect of life. I think I owe it to myself.

I need to spend more time at home. Or rather, I need to spend less time driving and less time so far away from home. Being far away from home means I have to plan harder, pack harder, drive more, and stress out more. If that means that I’m mostly confining myself to Frisco, Denton, and McKinney, then so be it. I’ll still venture out to Rowlett, or Plano, or Dallas, or the MidCities, or Keller once every week or two. And of course I’m in Irving and/or Carrollton almost every day for either work or daycare. So there’s plenty of opportunity. But it can’t be the norm any more. And I need to stop doing so to see people that are capable of returning the favor and yet don’t. Because that just adds frustration on top of time consumption.

Staying closer to home, planning less, being ready for impromptu adventures, reading more, relaxing more, and letting life just flow more will reduce stress. And that’s sorely needed these days.

with three wide open lanes

Jun 13th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet
a day in

a day in

Writing really is theraputic, so I think I’ll keep it up.

Last night was a nice break. I got to hang out and let go with some new people and that’s really needed every now and then. Other people ended up staying later than I did but I just decided I was ready to go so I went. I’ve gotten much better in social situations recently, but, after a while I still get a little uncomfortable.

I was trying to explain this last night. The best social scenario for me is between 4 and 10 people in someone’s home. Don’t get me wrong, the crazy rockin’ party now and again is a blast too. But, over all, I’d prefer it laid back, casual, and intimate.

Maybe I’m just getting old.

As soon as I left Denton I realized I should have stayed a bit on the square and took some photographs. The light was beautiful and I wanted coffee anyways. But, by that time I was already half way home and didn’t want to turn back. So I went to starbucks, worked on a few things, and then did some late night shopping.

When I got home sometime after 11pm, the neighbors were outside having a few drinks so I joined them. We had some interesting conversations about spirituality and child rearing and personality types. I’m slowly starting to find the peace I once had within myself in regard to who I am and where I am going that I some how lost over the last 5 or 6 years. It’s nice to be “back” but I’m not pushing it too hard for fear that I’ll land on the other extreme.

I ended up in bed sometime after 1am and up before 7am, of course. I’m grateful for my internal clock though. It keeps me even most of the time, even if it refuses to let me sleep in when I can.

It’s so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one’s head?

So, what I’m trying to say is…
What (What?) I’m trying to tell you is…
Not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause
I know you’ll only change it.

(Say it.)

I’ve been sorting out some things online for a few hours now and telling myself that it’s time to get my ass in gear for at least 30 minutes now. I need to get showered and dressed. Then I’ll pack a FULL bag for the day for Celeste and I, because I’m not entirely certain where we’ll be later tonight or how much stuff I’ll need. Once that stuff is squared away, I’ll do as much housework as I can before I need to leave at 11:30am. Then pick up Celeste and head out for a play date with a good friend and a new friend and their kids.

I practically live out of my car some days (like today) because this metroplex is too damn big. So I bring everything I could imagine needing and just scrounge food whereever I can find some. If I could just have a place to sleep, a place to eat, and a few belongings tucked away in each corner of this GIANT city, life might be a lot easier and involve a lot less driving. Anyone have a spare room? Ha.

Tomorrow’s still up in the air too. I thought about going to church, because I really miss it and the community and family values it fosters. But, I’m not entirely sure that I’m ready to put Celeste in the onsite childcare during the service, and keeping her in the foyer is not really fun for either of us. Regardless, I’m sure there will be swimming involved at some point tomorrow. We have an awesome pool here and Celeste LOVES the water and loves playing in the sand. We could stay there for hours.

The photo in this post is really not related to anything here. Just something fun I took recently that I felt like sharing.

I need a safety buddy

Jun 11th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

While I’m up and not sleeping, I figure I may as well mention this too.

I need a safety buddy.

I don’t really have any fears about being alone. I do quite well alone, actually. And if something should happen to me while I’m alone well, I’ll either make it out of it or I won’t. But I don’t really worry about it at all.

However, I’m very frightened about what might happen to my daughter if something should happen to me when we’re alone together. The thought of her being unable to wake me, unable to feed/change herself, and unable to get help — just sitting there crying and possibly dying scares me more than anything else.

Most days her mom and I follow our “every other day” custody pattern. Though we’ve never discussed it, I’m sure if I didn’t drop her off at school by 10am or so, her mom would call to find out what happened. And by noon or so with no call or answer she’d probably get worried enough to leave work and come find out. So that’s 19 hours, tops, that my daughter would be alone in this house before someone showed up to check on her. But still, that’s nineteen hours. The thought of that makes me shiver. Chances are she would live through it and come out physically unharmed, but the thought her suffering, scared, and worried like that — I just can’t bare to think of it.

And don’t even get me started on weekends and days off.

If I can get that interval down to 2 to 4 hours, I think I’d worry less. Then again, I’m, obviously, a worrier, so maybe not.

So who wants to be my safety buddy? Basically, if you haven’t heard from me online in a few hours (which with my Twitter and Facebook habits is quite rare), just poke at me in some other way (IM, SMS, Phone Call) and make sure I’m still breathing. I’ll give you the number to my neighbors and tell you where I hide a key to my house so that, if I don’t respond, you can save the day.

Yes. I’m aware that I’m absolutely paranoid. Supressing it doesn’t really help. I’ve learned that catering to it is the fastest way to silence it.

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