(again I leave myself only 13 minutes to write.)
Somtimes I feel a deep, inner searching that leaves me feeling melancholy and alone. This has been the case lately. The most often used “solution” (though it rarely if ever works) is to intentionally occupy my mind with other thoughts and distractions. This often leads to me leaning on friendships or relationships that I shouldn’t lean on for lots of reasons. Either they are already too stressed to deal with my neediness or they simply don’t have the time. Or I don’t have a very strong or close relationship with them outside of these times so the dynamics of that relationship tend to be very lopsided. Or I attempt to lean on them in a manner that they simply can’t or won’t support (hugs from a non-hugging person, drinks with a non-drinker, etc). Or I revisit old, failed friendships in my mind (and sometimes beyond that) in an attempt to restore some portion of the past when I believe that I felt better.
It seems to come and go in waves. I think of all the people I’ve ever even briefly talked to about it, my friend Kelly seems to understand what I mean the best.
It’s all a big mind trick of course. In most cases the “me” that I express during these times is very real and exists even outside of these times. But the urgency and persistence with which it is expressed causes the message to be confused. Ultimately, it also causes confusion in my own head resulting in a terrible circle.
