Last night before bed while getting very sleepy from some medication I’m taking I wrote this:
if you’ve ever wondered what’s best about the things you are offered, know this:
sometimes I need to unplug. not so much from technology, in general, but from the internet and my expectation of response from it. it is clearly an entity of its own, an I exect so much from it.
ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddfds
I’m not quite sure what it means entirely, but it’s fun to share.
Last night’s sleep was crazy. I woke up A LOT. Each time having had an even more vivid dream than the last. The strange thing was that the dreams felt VERY real — almost tangible — and were fully based on things that really could happen, which isn’t usually how I dream.
I remember this one: In real life, on Monday, C and I went to visit Ramona, Austin and their family. I had a fantastic time and certain portions of that evening really meant a lot to me. In my dream (and in reality as well) I wasn’t entirely certain that Ramona knew how much it meant to me and I set out to tell her. When I started to, she interrupted me to express how much that evening meant to her and how much she enjoyed it. We laughed and that was it.
I had another dream that clearly took place in the future even though all of the people in the dream looked the same as they do now. In this dream Kim and I were in a relationship — maybe even married. At any rate, we lived somewhere in New England on the coast. We were out walking with C on the shore and both laughing uncontrollably at C’s excitement when the waves would run up the sand and reach her feet.
So real, and yet not. The Kim one clearly isn’t true. I can look at my day today and see that I’m not in a relationship with Kim nor do I live on the East coast. But the one with Ramona might have actually happened, I feel like it was a dream, but, maybe it wasn’t. I’ve debated emailing her to ask, just in case.
Both Celeste and I slept in a bit. I woke up to her looking in my face and saying “da da”. Strange, because I’m usually the first one up. The weather was BEAUTIFUL so, after a quick breakfast we went for a walk to play at the park. Warm sun, cool breezes, morning light, my daughter’s smile — there really wasn’t much else that could make the morning more perfect.
Eventually, we went home, reluctantly, had an orange to get back some of what the sun sapped from us, and jumped in the car to head for Celeste’s mom’s place.
I’d only seen my father-in-law for a week when he helped Jess move out. And I hadn’t seen nor spoken to my mother-in-law. So I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I dropped Celeste off. They were nice though. My mother-in-law made the same joke she always does when she sees my hair trimed and indicated that I had done it on her account. My father-in-law got up to shake my hand. My mother-in-law even compared our tans. We laughed a bit, and joked a bit, and all-in-all a stayed about 30 minutes before deciding that Celeste was going to be okay if I left. And so I did.
what's left after you
I went to my Dad’s place for an hour or so, and then headed to a friend’s daughter’s birthday party. Had a good time meeting new people, throwing around water baloons and just goofing off. However, nothing makes me feel sadder and more awkward than being at an event geared for children without my child there. I was very glad the my brother, David, and his son, Liam, came, because I coulc sort of claim him as my own here and there.
I had to leave a bit earlier than I wanted in order to book it all the way to McKinney for the Annual Photowalk Day. There were about 50 of us, 7 (counting me) of whom I already knew. My friend Kim came as well, which was awesome. And afterwards she and I had a few beers, and nice dinner, and just talked for a long while. I got a little nervous, and the beer hit my empty stomach pretty quickly, so I’m not sure how awkward I came across as. But, I had fun anyway. Kim is awesome.
Then I headed home, tied up a few loose ends and hit the sack.
I decided to extend my vacation through until Sunday and, in that, include Celeste as much as I could for the last few days. We got up bright and early Friday morning, did our usual good morning, potty, breakfast routine. Then we got ourselves ready and piled into the car.
Celeste in sunglasses
Our first stop was for coffee and a little bit of walking at the Shops at Legacy. Celeste was very good about waiting for me at street crossings and really liked peeking in all of the windows and pointing out all the things she liked.
Next, we headed to the Dallas World Aquarium. Celeste saw so many animals and birds. I’m not sure how much of it she absorbed because there is so much to look at. I know for sure that she remembers the Aligator, the sharks, the “pink birds” (flamingos), and the Jaguar, which she continued to taunt by saying “KITTY!!! EAT!!!!”. Celeste got a little cranky toward the end as it was past her nap time.
Celeste Ponders a Jaguar
Next, we stopped for a quick lunch at Cafe Express. Toward the end of our meal, a girl approached us and asked me if I’d like our photo taken together. No… not my photo with the girl, my photo with Celeste. At least that’s what I assume she meant. Maybe she did mean herself? Maybe she was someone famous? At any rate, I declined her offer, but I really have no idea why.
In new, awkward, or undefined social situations I tend to get very nervous. This presents itself by keeping me from thinking clearly and causing me to say and do things I don’t mean because I think that’s what’s expected or wanted. In this case, I’m not entirely sure why, but I declined her offer because I thought it made me seem “new” at this or as though I didn’t have many opportunities. I guess I thought that she thought that I was one of those dads who only gets to see his kids every so often due to divorce/separation. Or maybe she thought I was married but that I rarely take care of the kid on my own.
Celeste and her Shells and Cheese
In order to prevent her from thinking such things I declined her offer. But I should have taken it. I would have loved a photo of Celeste and I together and taking them myself with the old “hold out your own arm” trick is never as good as someone else doing it. I’m so silly sometimes. I do silly stuff like that a lot and then regret it later. I did this the night of Day VIII too, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Next we went home for a nap, then some quick shopping at Costco, and then off to Bonnie and Justin’s house to play with their new puppies, slam our hands on arcade machine buttons, and eat some very good steak (as well as handfuls of olives and edamame for Celeste).
Sunrise this time of year on the Bolivar Peninsula is a photographers dream. The angle of the peninsula causes the sun to rise in EXACTLY the right spot over the shore to allow you to photograph the sun, the shore, and the sea all from the best possible angle. Standing on the shore before dawn is surreal. You can see, but just barely. The waves are crashing against the sand. The sky is enormous. And everything is waking up all at once and you’re there watching it all.
It religious. I don’t care what religion you subscribe to. If a sunrise like this isn’t a religious experience to you then I don’t think there is any level on which you and I can relate.
NUDE!
Two things have been on my list of things to do for a LONG time now: 1) Visit a Nude Beach and 2) Go Skinny Dipping. So, when I heard that the Bolivar Peninsula has its very own nude beach, I had to visit.
So I set out to do just that. I wasn’t sure if I’d even be able to get out of the car. I’m pretty shy and fairly modest unless I’m really comfortable with you. But, I knew I had to try.
The road there is not welcoming. All signs tell you to turn, but you go straight. Then the road you are driving on is tore up, bad. Eventually, it turns into nothing but sand a large rocks. There is trash everywhere. The shoreline is not sand but, instead, mud. Black mud at that. Despite all of this, there are people camping and swimming every where. I’m not sure why, since there are perfectly nice and free beaches less than a mile away. None the less I continued on.
More dirt, more sand, more trash, more gross, yet I continued on. The directions said go at least 3 miles. I have 4 wheel drive with locking differentials. Even then I felt like I might have gotten stuck a time or two. Yet I continued on. I drove for 5 miles. There were no cars, no people, certainly no naked people; nothing but trash and gross. So I gave up and turned around.
Not even 30 second after I did a truck approached and passed me. Perhaps I hadn’t gone far enough? Perhaps I should have turned around right then and went even further? Regardless, I didn’t bother. I continued on and headed back to base camp.
A Nice Swim
Once back at the beach house, Justin and I went for a nice swim. His mom drove down and met us for the ocassion. I love swimming in the ocean. Even on the peninsula where the water is more shallow (and a bit more sandy) then other ocean locations, it’s amazing and so very powerful. The waves weren’t too high so I swam out a bit, floated on my back, and let the waves carry me where they wanted to. I ended up a hundred yards or so down shore by the time I’d had enough.
After our swim we got some lunch, hit the liquor store, and started making Pina Coladas.
Looking for Decay
After a few drinks, Justin and I set out to Port Bolivar and the surrounding area to take photos of dilapidated and abandoned buildings. I got quite a few great photos.
In particular, there is an abandoned motel. The carpet and doors and windows and furnishings are all missing. The walls are busted and broken. Yet the structure is mostly still there. It was beautiful.
Then we got home and set Bonnie up to spin Poi on the beach as the sunset. Another spectacular experience that I was happy to get to photograph.
Day VI
We got up early, packed the car, and headed out. We drove straight home so, aside from good music and good conversation, neither of which reproduce well here, there isn’t much to tell. I did get to see Dolphins in Galveston Bay from the ferry though, which was awesome.
As soon as we got home, we unloaded the car. Then I put the carseat back in, gave Justin’s car a jump because he’d left his lights on, and headed out to pick up Celeste from daycare.
I almost cried when I saw her and saw the smile on her face. I had been doing everything I could not to miss her. So when the moment I got to see her again finally came, all that missing came flooding with it. I managed to hold the tears back long enough to get her in the car and get on my way back home.
We had a nice dinner, an awesome walk, and a fantastic evening.
So good, in fact, that I’ve decided to extend my vacation through to Sunday. So you’ll have three more days of updates. Ha.
It would be an understatement to say that I am generally paranoid. I spent most of yesterday morning packing for my trip and contemplating whether I should just call the whole thing off and stay in Dallas in case something happened or I was needed in some way.
About 2 hours after we hit the road, Jess called to tell me she’d been in a car accident with the baby in the car. Thankfully, everyone is okay. I’ll keep asking to make sure and worrying about it the time I’m travelling because that’s what I do, but I’m so very glad that everyone is okay. But stuff like this doesn’t help to calm my paranoia. Working it out helps, though.
There’s no way my presence in Dallas would have prevented that accident or any of potential consequences that may follow. It would have likely happened just as it did. The only difference I might have made was in how the situation was cared for afterwards. But Jess is handling it well and calls whenever she has questions or wants an opinion, so that’s good. It makes me feel like she is taking care of everything and that if something needs my attention or if a problem arises she will let me know. As long as I can hold onto that and trust in that, then there is no reason to worry about anything.
I hope working it out is enough to help me let it go.
So that’s that. Enough said.
A Bad Feeling
I’m also starting to see signs that, once again, my intuition can be trusted. This is very good.
Recently (now there’s a vague time word for you), I got a bad feeling about some aspects of some relationships in my life. Yesterday, while I’m fairly sure everything will be just fine in the end, I had a tiny scare that started a zygote of an idea which blossomed into full blown panic. It made me realize that sometimes the risk isn’t worth the payoff and that when my intution is telling me that it might not be, instant gratification is not always the best long term solution.
I continually seek comfort and communion with others and I’m okay with that. I think that’s part of what society is suppossed to provide us with. However, I seem to be seeking it in the wrong places; places that end up leaving me feeling less comfortable and less cared for and more alone. I think, in part, this is due to issues I have with vulnerability. I desire to be close to others but I shy away from the vulnerabilty that generally comes with that. So, instead, I seek action and responses that indicate familiarity and, eventually, comfort, but do so without that initial act of vulnerability. This rarely leads to the response I want which only increases frustration. I’m working on figuring this out. But in the mean time I find myself feeling frustrated and alone in the relationships that I do reach out in. So, while I work on things from this end, I’m hopeful that I find a friendship that will work with me from the other side. It’s not really something you can ask for though. It just has to happen, I guess.
SPOON!
Oh yeah. So, the part of the trip that happned outside of my head. We made it to the hotel around 6:30pm and wanted to get to Stubb’s (the venue Spoon was playing at) by 7pm, so not a whole lot happened before that other than driving and good conversation.
discarded memories
The walk from the hotel to the venue was nice though. I miss walking with a purpose. Celeste and I go on walks often, but the final destination is just back home and the walk, while fun, is mostly purposeless. It’s nice to walk with a purpose. I brought the small point and shoot camera and took a few photos here and there.
The concert was great, despite some technical difficulties. Spoon puts on a good show and when they perform they are just as tight and together as they are on their albums. The sounds was spot on and the bass was just enough to let you really feel the music. Outdoor venues, even in the heat of the Texas summer, are by far my favorite places to see live music.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I have for the 31st time in my life successfully circumnavigated the sun. Quite an accomplishment, I know. It wouldn’t have been possible without my mom, my dad, gravity, and inertia, all of whom I’d like to thank on this momentous occassion.
Ha.
In reality, there’s nothing more significant about today than there was yesterday or will be tomorrow. We could just as easily celebrate birth months, birth weeks, or births at 500 day intervals. In fact, I once threw myself a 10,000th day alive party, just because.
Really, life should be celebrated every single day and at every possible opportunity, because, despite being abundant here, it is so very precious.
But, there is a tradition in our society to celebrate a person on the day of their birth. And it is that tradition, not the actual event, that makes today special for me. The day is only 10 hours old and already so many friends and family have texted, called, emailed, and sent photographs wishing me a happy birthday. It is so very appreciated. Thank you all for helping to make this day special.
I spent my 30th birthday alone in Syracuse, NY. My wife and 7 month old daughter had left for Canada the day before to visit her parents and I was to follow 3 days later. I’d wanted so badly to spend the time together but it just didn’t happen. And even though, just like today, that particular day was not really any more important than any other day, the tradition placed on it made it feel more important. And the round number of “30″ made it seem more important too. Therefore, it made me feel very sad to not have those I loved dearest close to me then.
But this birthday will not be that way. Despite the fact that Celeste’s grandparents are in town for the next two weeks to visit her, I’m seeing her tonight. I don’t have anything planned, but spending time with my daughter will be more than enough. No matter how amazing my life was before her, with her in it, everything is bigger and better and more important than it ever was before.
So today, on my birthday, I am grateful for Jess and all the family and friends that have played a role in bringing her into this world and shaping her life and making her who she is. I can say, without a doubt, that Celeste has the best chosen family on the face of the planet.
Of course, as always, I welcome and appreciate spending time with people I care about. If you’re without plans this evening (or Thursday, or Friday), or have plans worth cancelling, and would like to join us to go swimming, go for a walk, have a nice dinner, watch a movie at home, have a beer or two, or just stand out on the front porch and talk as the sun sets, I’d love that. You know how to reach me.
Last night was terrible. Im laying here awake thinking of it partly because it was so bad, but also because it’s our last day together before my inlaws get here.
Despite a bad headache, a cranky girl, and a few other bad circumstances, we had a really good day until we got home. Then everything went wrong.
First there was the dinner thing. She wasn’t listening at all and almost got boiling water splashed on her. I tried the nice voice and the stern voice. I tried askin and I tried physically moving. No matter what she either threw a fit or didn’t listen. Then, when that didn’t work, she resorted to being intentionally hurtful. I would have never believed a 1.5 year old could be intentionally hurtful if I hadn’t been through it. More than once. On the same day. Which is what she did last night.
After dinner we went for a 1.5 hour walk because that’s what she wanted. We played and laughed and had fun. Except for the two times we stopped at the house to get water and/or use the bathroom. We were even playing “which house is ours” and she was so excited when she found it until she thought that meant we were going home. It didn’t. We were just walking past it. So then she changes her answer to a very angry NO, that it was definately not our house. When it was actually time to go in she cried and cried and cried. Thankfully, singing and laughing inside got her over that fairly quickly.
When it was finally bed time she wanted nothing of it. No songs. She didn’t want me to lay with her. She started getting more and more dificult. When I could think of no other options I set us up a little bed in front of the TV (which we rarely watch) to let her decide she was ready on her own. But she just got crankier and crankier. After almost 45 minutes of that I decided it was time to stop giving her a choice. Then she exploded. After dealing with that I told her that she could do whatever she wanted but that I was going to sleep. I laid down and she just threw herself on the ground and bumped her face on the night stand.
I picked her up and tried to tak to her. She resorted to being intentionally mean again. 30 minutes of laying around and talking and trying to change the subject and she finally decided she could stop being mean and that it was okay to go to sleep. It took over 1.5 hours to go from some form of very upset to sleeping.
And of course all of that is made worse by the fact that I got frustrated. I stopped being a source of calm and love and instead just cake off as upset and ocassionaly angry and yelling. Which does no one any good at all. And all of that was made worse still by this being out last nIght together before my inlaws get here. In the end I was crying and she was crying and it was just absolutely terrible.
And I feel horrible. I’d take the day off of work if it was an option. But it just isn’t for a few reasons.
Yesterday evening started out terrible. I drove all the way home from Keller only to find out that I had the wrong date for the plans I was returning for. We wanted to see fireworks, there were 6 other people going including kids, and I’d ruined everything.
It took all my might to stay positive. Celeste sensed I was upset and started acting up which only made things much worse.
We scoured the Internet looking for other fireworks happening on Friday the 3rd. The only thing we could find was Kaboom Town which we knew would be packed with people, a traffic nightmare, and not nearly as family friendly as it pretends to be.
In the end our choices were either Kaboom Town or nothing at all. So we opted to go.
So I put my new philosophy into high gear: this was our choice, there are no other options, hate it or love it we’re going… So I may as well resolve to love it.
So I did.
And so did Celeste.
Yes there were too many people, food cost too much, it was not at all family friendly, and traffic was absolute chaos (though we did manage to make it home a lot faster than it took is to get there).
But so what. We had fun. Lots of fun. And hearing Celeste say “ooooooh! Booooooom!” after each explosion and get soooooo excited seeing the airplanes made all the other crap not even matter.
My inlaws called Jess two days ago to give her final dates for their trip out here. Instead of 10 days they are staying 14. Instead of driving they are flying. Instead of coming at the end of July they are coming on July 6th. They will not be renting a car. They will not be getting a hotel. Surprise!
I had half a mind to not be accomating when it comes to Celeste’s time because that’s just ridiculous. But at the same time, I want them to be a part of Celeste’s life and I don’t know how much of the “Surprise” was them changing their mind last minute, and how much of it was Jess not seeking to get dates and times soon enough.
Regardless, they’ll be here for 14 days and I won’t be seeing Celeste for most of it.
Jess and I worked out a decent plan. I get a bunch of days before and after to make up for the time when they are here. I also get two evenings throughout their stay so that it’s not so long without so much as even seeing her. And finally, I’ve got preapproval to do something similar myself in the fall so I can take Celeste to New York and Vermont for 4 to 6 days.
It’s going to be a long, hard two weeks. Thankfully, I’m lining up distractions.
The 4th of July!
I’ve got Celeste with me for five days in a row. In these five days there are three days off of work. We have some plans but, for the most part, I’m just packing very full bags and playing it all by ear.
There are tentative plans to go to a Splash Park Friday morning. There are more tentative plans to see Fireworks in Addison or possibly Carrollton on Friday night. There are fairly solid plans to see fireworks in Grapevine on Saturday night. The rest is unknown. I’m sure there will be swimming and singing and playing and book reading and sidewalk chalk — always sidewalk chalk.
My Birthday!
My Birthday is July 8th and it’s one of the days I’ve worked out to have with Celeste. So that’s extra nice, especially since I spent my last birthday without her (or anyone, actually) when Jess took her to Canada. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m doing it but, really, as long as I have Celeste there I’m doing better than I ever have before. More than likely, whatever it is, you’re invited. I rarely turn down the opportunity for good company.
Home Improvement
I’m hoping to build a headboard and put down hard flooring upstairs which Celeste is away. I’m still seeking help and arrangements for getting the flooring done. The headboard I can do myself. If I can’t do the flooring, I’ll tackle a few organization projects instead. Company both welcome and greatly apprecaited.
SPOON!
Saturday, July 11th, myself and 9 other people will be traveling to the great city of Austin, TX is order to witness live musicians calling themselves “Spoon” perform on stage at Stubb’s.
Several of my favorite people will be there with me and this promises to epic.
The Gulf Coast
The day after Spoon, as everyone else heads back to DFW myself and two good friends will travel to the Texas Gulf Coast for four days. Yes, I’ve never been. I know that’s sad. Despite claims from some that it is nothing but a swampy shithole, I’m confident that the opportunties for photographic, culinary, social, mental, and personal stimulation will be plenty. Plus, we’ve got our very own Spirit Guide.
I’ve been in swampy shitholes before and came out smiling. The greatest competition toward enjoyment will come from the same three places they usually do no matter where I am: the humidity, the bugs, and my own mind.
I don’t have any details on where we’re going other than “that way”. I don’t know where I’m staying, where I’m eating, or which spots are on the list of “must-sees”. I’m, hopefully, working all of that out over the next few days.
The worst part
One of the only truly difficult parts about being separated from Jess is being without my daughter. When all of this finally started working itself into what it is today, I knew there would come a time where I would have to go without her for much longer than I care to. Now is that time.
It makes me sad that it has to be like this. It makes me sad that in the middle of it all there might be a sad, confused little girl who wants her Daddy and can’t figure out why no one will let her see him or — worse — why he’s not coming to see her like he always does. I hope and pray that she’s not old enough to feel that this time around and that when the next time comes she might be old enough to understand.
But still, tears stream down my face as I write these words and I can’t make them stop. Because I understand the hows and whys of it all, as much as it hurts to be away from her, I can get by. In the end, though I may be sad, I’ll be okay. But it breaks my heart over and over again to think of what she might go through.
My greatest hope is that the distraction provided by her grandparents will be enough to keep her from noticing too often and that they will plan some activities for her to keep her active and entertained as opposed to sitting around avoiding the nasty Texas heat as we are so often inclined to do.
Finally, I hope that if she really gets distressed that Jess and my inlaws will find it somewhere in themselves to invite me over for a few hours in order to show my little girl that her daddy isn’t gone forever.
At the end of this month my ex-inlaws are driving down from Canada to visit with Celeste and Jess. They are staying for 10 days and, of course, they want to see Celeste as much as possible which means, ideally, all 10 days. This is understandable and wonderful and all of those other good words. And I, of course, want them to be as big a part of Celeste’s life as possible. And I want Celeste to spend as much time with them as she can get.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, too. 10 days is such a long time.
I’m not officially on bad terms with them or anything. In fact, we converse as much now as we did when Jess and I were together. Maybe more. But I also didn’t catch even a hint of an invitation from Jess to come over for dinner one or twice throughout the 10 days.
On the one hand I know 10 days is going to be rough. Very rough. Because I’m just that way. I feel all the important feelings with intense amplification. So I’m inclined to distract myself as heavily as possible: ROAD TRIP. Or debauchery. But a Road Trip is more likely.
On the other hand, on the off chance that something should happen I’d like to be around. Not anything bad. I know she’s in good hands with Jess and even more so with her parents around. And my parents and many of my friends would be happy to step in if something should happen and assistance were needed. I’m not worried at all in that regard. But… if Celeste should ask for me I’d like to be reachable by phone. Or if Jess should decide to give me a night or invite me to dinner on whim, if I’m not around then I’ll feel guilty for not being there. Not because I should feel guilty but because that’s just how I am.
So I’m thinking, whatever I do, I’ll try to get it done in the first 4 to 6 days. That’ll leave me with 4 to 6 more days to recover, get some stuff done around the house, engage in debauchery, and be available just in case.
It looks like the Texas Gulf Coast is the destination of choice. That’s way exciting for me. Believe it or not, I’ve never been.
