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cleanse

guilty, without charge

Sep 15th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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I regularly feel guilty for things that I do. It’s rarely, if ever, because the person I feel guilty about has done or said something to make me feel guilty. It’s usually not even because of some action someone else took. Most of the time the source of my guilt is contained entirely within the walls of my mind.

I was raised Catholic. Maybe that’s where all the guilt comes from.

I don’t get to see my wife and daughter often enough. With work, sleep, chores, and social expectations taking up the majority of my time (in that order), there’s little left for them. So any time I do anything at all that takes away from time I could be spending with them I feel guilty. It’s not that either of them do anything that makes me feel guilty. I just do. All on my own.

I need to get over it, take some time for myself, and get to the point where I feel good about who I am again. I need more photo sessions; more outings with friends in crazy, crowded bars; more outings with friends in secluded, intimate locations; more hikes; more stargazing; more road-trips; more projects.

The guilt, however, it not entirely without reason. It keeps me in check and makes sure that I’m taking time out for other people too: my wife, my daughter, my family, my friends. It makes sure that it’s not always about me. Because, unfortunately, the people that I love are not always interested and available for the things I want to do.

So that’s what I need now. I need to find a happy medium between satisfying my own needs and catering to the needs of those I love without feeling so guilty and stressed and, eventually, depressed, that I end up doing neither.

flirtation’s end

Sep 13th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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I’ve lost my way. I’m lacking inner peace and my sense of self-worth is being destroyed. I’m fighting my way back, but it’s going to be a long battle.

(There’s a long story behind most of this, as there always is with me. Most of it doesn’t really speak to the point I’m trying to make, so I’m going to skip over it.)

For quite some time now, my need for external validation has gone from nearly none at all to a point where I almost can’t function without it. I believe that external validation is a good thing in many cases. Without it, we’d all be that horrible singer everyone laughs at on American Idol. But, as with anything, there’s a line.

Lately, this need has coupled itself with my natural tendency toward flirtation and sensuality. Again, this is not a bad thing on it’s own. However, with the intensity that fuels this need, when it isn’t received it tends to have a terrible effect on me. It leads to depression, decreased self esteem and a big long list of other really bad things.

The point I’m trying to make is that I need to cool it. I need to release the bond I’ve made internally between flirtation and validation. And, until I can get control of it, the easiest way to ensure this is to turn it off.

If you are someone I’ve hurt or offended because because of my recent behavior, I’m truly sorry. I may not even realize I’ve hurt you. Please let me know if I have.

If you’re one of the few people that actually enjoys my flirtatious nature, please don’t take offense if you find it lacking. If you want it back all you only need to poke me a few times and be willing to flirt back.

Slowly, but surely, I’ll make it. And I’m surrounded by some incredible friends who are helping to make that possible.

Cleanse Progress

Aug 15th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

Body

I went 48 hours without solid food. Then I starting eating one meal a day testing both my food addiction and my potential food allergies. I had to stop the “toxin flush” portion of the cleanse because it made getting to work in the morning absolutely impossible since I needed to spend about 2 hours each morning within 2 minutes of a bathroom. Not fun.

The toxin flush, though shorter than intended, was not without benefit. I feel refreshed, I have a better understanding of what goes in and out of my body, and I am most certainly cleaner. Furthermore, I highly recommend it.

The rest of the body cleanse involves making mental changes to produce a cleaner, healthier body. I’ve started strength training regularly. I’m practicing Yoga with intent. I’ve added more aerobic exercise to every day. My arms, and thighs, and abs haven’t been this sore in a very long time. I’m eating less calories and the calories that I do eat are even healthier than before. I’ve also given myself some outs so that it doesn’t feel like such a social shock to make myself better.

You don’t really realize how out of shape you are (weight aside) until you try to perform sustained exercise. (For instance: try holding your back straight and supporting yourself by your forearms and toes only — like a push up, but without moving — for 30-60 seconds without a break.) I had always assumed that all the walking and hiking I did was enough. It’s a good start, sure. But it’s not enough.

# I look good today. And I feel good too. Even if WiiFit did call me fat this morning. My body image is getting better. I know I’m overweight. I am doing something about it. I’m happy with my progress. I haven’t been able to say that in a long time.

And, yeah, # “I eat now“. This means that dinner invitations are both open and sought after once again. In fact, # last night’s dinner was awesome: Lemon pork tenderloin, quinoa, and a bean salad with lemon dressing.

Mind and Soul

Progress here has been slow and painful.

# I’ll make sense of this. Step by step, I’ll figure it out. One by one, I’ll cut off what needs to go and cherish what is left.

I’ve been spending a lot of time digging through my relationships. It’s not something anyone wants to do. In fact, most people don’t even like to talk about it because it just sounds cold and calculated. Maybe it is. Some people are able to just concentrate on the good and let the bad fall off the bottom. I don’t work like that. I have to clear the bad away and allow myself to stop worrying about it before I can free myself up to even see the good. So that means going through every relationship that causes me any pain. First I try to decide if I’ve been taking something personally that really wasn’t. Then I consider if I would have acted the same way in a similar situation. Then, finally, I look at what benefit that relationship brings me.

In the end, I don’t even have to make a decision. It just makes itself. Just giving myself the time and necessity to think about it is enough.

I’ve started rearranging my life and taking ownership of my problems. For too long I’ve been counting on other people to do their part and pitch in and it just doesn’t work. So, I’m taking ownership of it all. I’m giving plenty of opportunity and lots of warning. Then I’m moving on even if they can’t keep up. I am responsible for me.

# I’m an advocate of happiness, meaningful connections, and intimacy. There’s little to no reason to have anything else. And the improved, cleaner me will strive for that. I’ve managed to release myself from one very difficult unrewarding relationship and several other smaller ones. I feel lighter. I feel less frustrated. I’ve been able to sit and enjoy time with my wife and daughter without worrying about a hundred other little things.

body cleanse progress

Aug 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
19 comments

The body portion of this Cleanse is going quite well. I’ve also learned that a drastically reduced calorie lifestyle can really make a difference in how I feel.

Pros:

  • I have lots of energy. Lots!
  • My Libido has increased (I guess this is a Pro. Ugh. Send provisions, or at least photos of them! Stat!).
  • I feel lighter on my feet.
  • I am lighter. I’ve lost 5.3lbs since my weigh in Friday morning. Considering that is 3 days time, this means I’ve lost around 1.75lbs per day. (Now you’re more likely to send those provisions.)
  • I am more agile.
  • I am more clear-headed.
  • I am more calm.
  • I have more free time.
  • I feel better about myself.
  • There has been a decrease in Meniere’s Symptoms. I suspected this would happen since I’m certain most of my symptoms are food triggered and I’m now not eating any food.
  • The background mental frustration I often feel is clearing.

Cons:

  • I crave food. A lot.
  • I am more restless (probably because of that free time and my lack of motivation to put it to good use right now).
  • Headaches are still present, though fading. Again, this is quite possibly due to caffeine withdrawl, of which I’ve had none for the past three days.

Unfortunately, I can’t keep eating what I’m eating or I’ll likely die of malnutrition eventually. What I need to concentrate on once the body cleanse is complete is what foods I can eat that will bring me noursihment and energy without reducing any of these positive effects.

I’m still not free my food addiction. I’ve deliberately placed myself in two situations where I was allowed to eat food. (Yes, this means that the body cleanse will take a few extra days to complete, but the mental work involved was worth it.) In both cases I did VERY well. I was in control of what I was eating and how I ate it. I enjoyed the food and the company, but did not stuff myself. The average serving at our table of 6 was roughly 4 times the amount of food I ate on both occasions. However, the cravings are strong enough that, without the determination I have now, I would cave. So, any moment of weakness, high stress, or confusion could send me back into that addiction. I need more work here.

sorting out christmas lights

Aug 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

I’ve taken a hard look at all of relationships I have that I consider important or meaningful. I try to live without expectations of others but, over time, they build themselves up. I believe that I good chunk of my current frustrations is due to these unmet expectations. A good friend of mine put it best. I’d like to quote her in full, because I can’t find a single word worth leaving out.

It’s hard not to have expectations of people, but it’s also an easy path to frustration. The simulated version of our friends that we have our heads will never equate the flesh-and-blood versions who are unpredictable and selfish. I mean selfish in a non-negative way– it’s just a human condition. Each of us only sees the world through our own eyes and have our own interpretations. Sometimes we connect, sometimes we don’t. But we all have our own lives that nobody else will ever fully understand. Not our spouses, not our parents, not our children. Truly, we are all alone. No one will ever understand us fully. But that just makes the connections we have all the more important and beautiful– something precious. Something to strive for, but as much as possible without expectation, because that pressure can distort it.

The difficult part is in the last sentence, “as much as possible without expectation”. First of all, expectations are a necessity. At least in the greater, general society. It is unfortunate that everyone does not give freely of themselves without expectation. However, like the Prisoner’s Dilemma, if everyone does not subscribe, then those who do are taken advantage of. Or, more specifically, I feel taken advantage of. The important thing here is not to get rid of expectations, but to set them at something reasonable. I believe that, perhaps, my expectations are unreasonable.

What I need to sort out is what parts of me I’m willing to give freely to anyone who will take them and what parts of me I require reciprocation for in order to feel good about giving. Just knowing this will help me make sure I don’t get into situations that will make me feel bad.

I also need to sort out which relationships I have that don’t seem to be offering much of what I want. Several of the relationships that I put a lot of myself in to are with people who simply don’t want that kind of relationship with me or are mostly unavailable for anything beyond a very basic relationship. Truly understanding that this is the case and that I should no longer pour myself into such relationships will free me up a lot and reduce frustration.

As a counter-idea to all of this, another good friend of mine said, simply, “I don’t think I could do what you’re doing. It just seems like it would highlight the negatives and bring me down. Why not just focus on the good?”. I just feel that there is so much bad that I have a hard time even seeing the good. So I feel like if I clear the bad away, the good will be more apparent. But maybe she’s right. Maybe another approach is in order. Or, at the very least, a little bit of both.

Still a lot of work to do up here. Your friendship and support really mean a lot. Outside of that all I need is some more time, more distractions, and all the intimacy I can find.

mind over matter

Aug 8th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

Right now I’m starving. However, I know that I’m not hungry. I’ve gone much longer than this without food before without even starting to feel hungry. But I’m restless. And my body equates that with hunger and it shouldn’t. That’s only one of the many reasons for this cleanse.

The “body” portion is basically a very limited juice fast. It not meant for weight loss, though certainly some will occur. The intent is toxin cleansing. On the surface it looks like it cleanses only the body. But I selected it also because I realized what it would do for my mind as well: Clearing mental toxins.

Each 10oz drink is 108 calories. I did the math. It tastes good. Very good, actually. Better than expected. The liquid of it keeps my stomach full. On top of that the vitamins and nutrients it provides are fairly complete. I wouldn’t attempt to live off of the stuff but, I’ve certainly eaten less healthy meals for weeks at a time. It’s really easy to make. It’s not at all expensive or complicated. With all of this in place, I can be certain that I’m not starving or malnourished in anyway, that it’s not too difficult to keep up with, or costing me a fortune. Basically, at least in the short term, I can be sure that everything is cared for.

It’s a mind game. By proving to my own mind that my body is not hungry, my mind is forced to realize that the only thing crying for food is itself. That part of the mind needs quieting. Even if it wasn’t making me fat, unambitious, and lethargic, the noise that it makes is a distraction I don’t need.

I had to play the same trick with myself when I quit smoking. That’s what gave me the idea in the first place.

With each swallow and each breath I seek clarity.

a cleansing ritual

Aug 8th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

Today I’m starting a cleansing ritual: body, mind, soul. The details of how and why are quite personal and complicated. But I’ll tell bits and pieces as I feel like I can. The process itself isn’t even that straight forward. Some of it is clear, others have to be invented as I go along. It’s right for me.

I may be a bit distant for a while. More than likely I’m just too caught up in fixing myself to have the thought of reaching out even cross my mind. But I’m not seeking isolation. So please, if you desire to, feel free to reach out and distract me from my own mind for a bit in whatever way you’d like. It will be appreciated.

After a few weeks I can move on to healing and you’ll probably notice me reaching out to you a bit more. I’m going to try to continue writing here and posting photographs. It’s part of the process. So even if we don’t get together, you’ll still have bits of me here.

Thank you for understanding.