(I recently wrote these words to a friend going through some hard times in her marriage. I cried when I wrote them. I’m crying now rereading them. I figure they are worth sharing.)
Marriage is hard. Really hard. And children make it harder.
But, then again children are hard too.
I think anything worth keeping requires some work. The natural order of the universe is chaos. If we want to keep it, we have to KEEP it. KEEP is an ACTION word.
I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m not even offering advice in that arena because I honestly don’t know ANYTHING about ANYTHING.
But I do know this: Marriage is more than “I love you”s and sweet nothings and flowers and good times. It’s more than a handsome face and a shared paycheck. It’s more than monogamy. It’s a commitment. It’s a promise to yourself. It’s a promise to another person. It’s an agreement between two people to scream at the top of their lungs:
FUCK YOU WORLD! I don’t care what you throw at me, or how hard you make this life, or what comes my way good or bad, this person and I are sticking together, hand-in-hand, through thick and thin, to make sure that, in the end, we both make it out together.
And sometimes we have it easy. Sometimes the world is so nice to us and everything goes our way and there are no trials, no doubts, no difficulties. Then there are the rest of us.
There are plenty of reasons to end a marriage. And there are plenty of reasons to stay in one. I can certainly learn a thing or two about knowing when to call it quits, because I’m the kind of guy that never gives up on anything, and that’s not exactly the way to be. But there are two things that I am unwilling to give up on:
- my child(ren). Never. Ever. EVER.
- my promises (both to myself, and to other people).
Promises are meant to be kept until they are fulfilled or until all of those affected by the promise agree to dissolve it.
You will get through this. And, in the end you will only be stronger. Both the YOU-alone you. And the YOU-together you.
If it helps any, know that you are not at all alone. I’ve talked to lots and Lots and LOTS of Moms (and Dads) about this. Something I heard over and over again is that, at this point, right at about the one year mark of your first child, it gets rough. Lots of women (and sometimes men) think about leaving at this very moment. And all of those who didn’t have told me over and over again how glad they are that they didn’t.
I hope this doesn’t come across as preaching. Because that’s not how I mean it. I’m just trying to share what I’ve learned, in the hopes that it helps you, even just a little, get through this hard time no matter how it is that you do that.
