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Still deciding

Dec 24th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

I’ve managed to take one item off the list of possible Christmas plans and yet I’ve added another. So here it is, Christmas Eve, and I’m still making up my mind. Yeah, everything works out this way for me. It’s a curse.

I’m not going to my brothers. That amounted to the most work for the least benefit.

However, a friend (Hi, Skwid!) has offered an invitation to their Christmas festivities. There will even be another kid there and several other friends.

Staying home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning just doesn’t sound ideal. Several of you wrote to say that doing your own thing in your own home with your own kids is the nicest way to spend the holiday. And, in principal, I’d agree. But my situation makes that less desirable. If we only leave gifts under the tree for which there is someone present to receive it, then every gift will be for Celeste, either from me, from a few long distance family members, or from some fat guy in a red coat and silly hat. There are no other kids here. There are no other adults here. And Celeste isn’t old enough to have made or bought me anything on her own. Anyone else that could have helped her do so didn’t. Or at least, if they did, I don’t know about it and the gift isn’t here to open. While I’m a big fan of making our own traditions and having our own little life, I don’t ever want Christmas to amount to a tower of gifts in front of a child and nothing more. Because, to me, that’s not what Christmas is about at all.

To me Christmas is supposed to be about family (chosen and inherited), friendship, and togetherness. It’s supposed to be about giving, and sharing, and believing. It’s supposed to be about hope, and rebirth. The best way to make that happen is to spend it with people that care about us and that want us around.

My parents (well, my dad anyway. my mom still isn’t talking to me) have said, “come whenever you want”. And while that may seem ideal and certainly is from a “cram the most into two days as possible” standpoint, I want to feel wanted. That doesn’t make me feel wanted. Christmas in the past has always been at my parent’s and it has always been mandatory. There was simply no doubt about where everyone was going to be on Christmas day. If you had other stuff going on, that was fine, but you’d better show up and you’d better be there a lot. I liked it that way. Between me spending every other Christmas in Canada with my ex-wife, my older brother moving to Vermont, my sister desiring to have Christmas in her new home the year she bought it, and my brother having to share his kid with his ex-wife on the holidays, the ritual was strained. It could have lasted anyway. Because it was NEVER about WHERE we met, only about who we were meeting with and why. But, all of that fell through the cracks.

I put a lot of importance on ritual: with family and friends, in our day to day lives, and in my own spirituality. This is part of what makes living my life so special to me but also what makes it so difficult from time to time. If I didn’t, then these days would just be ordinary days like any other day and it wouldn’t matter nearly as much what we did or who we saw or whether everything worked out in an ideal fashion. I give Celeste gifts all the time. And we spend time with people all the time. And we spend many, many, many days and nights home together alone. And these days should be no different. Except they are.

So, all of this means that spending time with friends on Christmas Eve is really the best possible option. Friends that have gone out of their way to make sure that we know we’re invited and very welcome. It is, sadly, also the most difficult. Since I’d rather not have Celeste wake up in our empty house on Christmas morning this means that I’d have to drive out to my parent’s house late that night after Christmas Eve festivities, get our room ready for sleeping, put a toddler to bed, unpack a car full of gifts, and then get myself settled in. Or, go to my parent’s house earlier, set everything up, then head out for a lovely Christmas Eve, then head back.

So, in the midst of this pile of wrapping paper and ribbon and tape and too many cups of tea, I’m trying to figure out a plan of action that’s actually going to work, involve the least amount of driving, leave me with the least amount of stress and, most of all, let Celeste have the best possible time.

it must be Christmas

Dec 22nd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I can tell it’s Christmas by the sounds of arguing from within my family. It happens every year. There’s always something to go wrong. This year I guess it’s my fault. Or rather, I’m the one with the problem. I want to spend Christmas with my family: inherited and chosen. This isn’t completely possible, of course, because so many people have so many plans. But, at least I try. And that’s what I’m doing: trying to get as many people in one place as possible.

This is the first Christmas Celeste will really remember. I’m trying to make it really nice for her and it seems like my family is doing everything they can to combat that.

For starters, I flat out told my mom that I hadn’t completely decided how I was going to do the “Santa” story with Celeste but that, whatever it was, her mom and I would work it out together so that we had the same idea. So, the next time my mom got Celeste alone, she told her only two things about Christmas: 1) Santa says “HO HO HO” and 2) Santa brings you new toys. Skip over the spirit of giving, all of the fun folk lore, the idea that Santa brings every kid toys, and just focus on the worst aspect of it all: “Santa brings new toys”.

But that’s just an annoyance more than anything. My mom has also decided she’s not speaking to me. Or, rather, speaking to me as little as possible so as to not seem like she’s doing the whole “I’m not talking to you” thing. On top of that, my mom and my brother live 15 minutes from each other. Of all of us, they live the closest. Yet they are the two deciding to be stubborn and unwilling to leave their own houses Christmas morning or Christmas eve. So, no matter what, I can have one or the other, but not both, even though neither of them have anyone else coming over unless Celeste and I show up. I really wanted Celeste to enjoy Christmas with family around, including her cousin and her grandparents. But, my family is making it difficult.

These are my options, I think:

1) Spend Christmas Eve/Morning at my brother’s house. His son will be gone from 5pm to 9pm on Christmas Eve which means it’ll just be Celeste and him and I for a big chunk of the evening. Then, when his son gets home, we can leave out some cookies and such and then do the whole Christmas thing in the morning. Then, we’d go to my mom’s house and he’d go do a few other things and eventually show up there himself.

2) Spend Christmas Eve/Morning at my mom’s house. My sister won’t be there for Christmas Eve. And my mom isn’t talking to me. So, it’d basically just be Celeste and my Dad and I. Then in the morning my sister would be there. And then, later still in the morning, my brother would show up. This is slightly better because Celeste will have grandparents and an aunt and uncle there, but slightly worse because she won’t have any other kids to enjoy it with.

3) Spend Christmas Eve at our house and show up to my mom’s house on Christmas Day when my brother does. This is slightly better because we can have our own traditions and our own house and I can really make it special for Celeste in whatever way I believe to be best. But this is a lot worse because it’ll just be her and I for most of it and I really want to to be about togetherness.

I know I’m making this into more than it needs to be. It just frustrates me, that’s all. I think, more than anything, I hate having to beg people to spend time with me, and hate even more to have to beg people to spend time with my daughter, and yet that’s exactly what I feel like I’m doing.

A surprise in the family

Nov 23rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Last Wednesday I was in a car accident. I wasn’t hurt and Celeste wasn’t in the car. But, two of my airbags deployed, the rear axle and the frame was bent and, after lots of number crunching, the insurance company decded to total the vehicle.

So I got a rental car that day. Two days later, C and I stopped at the body shop to get my stuff out of the car before releasing it. It’s moments like these that I am so happy that Celeste is such a good kid, because I don’t know what I’d have done otherwise. She sat and played quietly in the back of the broken car while I quickly pulled all of our stuff out of it. Then we headed home to pack a bag and then head to my mom’s house.

My mom and sister offered to watch Celeste on Saturday so I could go car shopping. Without thier help I don’t know what I would have done. Car buying is not easy. And even less easy with an antsy 2 year old.

9 hours later, I was a Subaru Outback owner. More on that later. My brother-in-law saved my ass that day too. First, he came up to the dealership to help me make sure I asked all the important questions. Then, he went way out of his way to help me return my rental car so that I wouldn’t be an hour away from home with a kid and 2 cars. Once again, I don’t know what I would have done had he not offered to help.

So, thanks to my Mom, my sister, and my brother-in-law, I managed to take care of something that would have been all but impossible to do on my own.

I missed Celeste more that Saturday than I usually do. When her mom has her, I guess I’ve learned to somewhat tune that out, because there’s nothing I can do to change it. But with my daughter just around the corner at my mom’s house, on one of the longest and best days of all — Saturday — it was so hard to not just run away from the stuff that needed to be done so I could go spend the day with her. If I hadn’t, though, my only other opportunity would have been the Tuesday after Thanksgiving and I didn’t know how long I’d be able to keep the rental.

So, all in all, I am grateful for my family today, and grateful that I wrapped this mess up as quickly as possible so we can get back to normal life, whatever that is.

the glass is half full

Aug 18th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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ducks on a pond

ducks on a pond

I always so actively share the bad, the negative, and the difficult aspects of my life, that I probably leave the impression that there is no goodness or happiness to be found here. This could not be farther from the truth.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a perfectly good or a perfectly bad anything. There’s always a mixture of goods and not-so-bads and, sometimes, bads and not-so-goods. But all-in-all my life is pretty fantastic.

I have a good job.

I complain about it a lot, it takes up a lot of my time, and the work has slowly declined from “interesting and exciting” to “life-threateningly dull”.

But it’s a job. A good job that earns me lots of respect and a very decent wage. In these hard times, that’s saying a lot. And every day I get closer and closer toward self-employment.

I have a house.

I complain about it a lot, parts of it are too empty, and other parts of it are too full. It doesn’t have enough storage space, the kitchen doesn’t have enough light, and the walls that surround the kitchen aren’t as open as I’d like them to be. My yard is insane, and no matter what I do I can’t seem to keep the weeds at bay.

But, it’s a nice house. It’s mine. It’s provides shelter for Celeste and I and gives me the freedom to offer a bed for the night, or a room for the month to friends and family. My neighborhood is safe to walk in and is spotted with beautiful parks and a pool. I’m a short drive from a great number of city and state parks if I want to get even further out.

I have a nice car. A very nice car.

It’s not perfect. It’s not luxury. It costs too much. It’s not exactly what I want.

But it’s safe, it’s comfortable, it’s gets me around, it holds everything I need, and has room for 2-5 more people (depending on how much you like to squish). Plus it gets decent gas mileage and has good 4-wheel drive when needed.

I have a beautiful, smart, amazing daughter who loves me very much.

I complain about how hard it is to be a single dad, or how cranky she can get when she is being thrown back and forth from home to home with two different sets of rules and two different schedules. I complain about how much I miss her when she’s not around.

But our time together is amazing. We teach each other so much and she brings so much joy to every second I am with her. She is the brightest spot in my every day. She makes me want to be a better person and reminds me that the simple pleasures in life are often the greatest.

I have a small handful of very good friends.

I complain a lot about how people never drive to visit me. How they don’t understand what it’s like to try to kill time with a toddler because they couldn’t get their ass ready in time to be where they said they’d be when they said they’d be there. I complain about how it never seems to be fair or even and how the supposed two-way streets of friendship often seem to have traffic going in only one direction.

But… that isn’t all of my friends. There are some who call or email just to check in on me. Some that that offer to cook me dinner, even in my own home, for no reason other than that they’d like to see me. I know at least 3 moms that I communicate with on a nearly daily basis that love and care for their children in ways very similar to my own. I have great respect for them and offer as much of myself to them as I can. They offer me support and kindness and friendship and even an innocent flirt from time to time. The remind me that no one is perfect and every day is its own success and its own reward. They welcome Celeste and me into their families and often reach out to us when they feel we are too distant or that we might be in need of company. I have other friends, with and without kids, that genuinely care and regularly offer themselves into my life in various capacities. Though they may not be numerous, what they lack in quantity they surely make up for in quality.

One friend in particular, who happens to be an amazing mom of four kind, beautiful children, said this to me yesterday when I was particular upset that turned my entire day around.

Daniel, very very few people love or care as much or as deeply as you do. You are one of the most caring people I have ever come to know.

All of these words to say, my life is quite good. While, more often than not, my complaints are valid, if you should find yourself on the receiving end of my venting, after expressing a little compassion and understanding, you should probably kick me in the ass and remind me that my life really is fantastic.

(I chose this photograph because, just like my life, it is not perfect. But it’s beautiful, and full, and enjoyable just the same.)

a bittersweet visit

Aug 16th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
10 comments

My parents and my sister came over to my place today. My sister came in order to do a favor for my neighbor. When I told my parents she was coming, they decided to come too at the last minute.

It was nice to have people over. I realized that it’s been quite a while since I had guests, which is a real shame because I keep a clean house, I love having people over, and I enjoy entertaining. So, I’m going to make a point of personally inviting people over more often. At least until people decline enough to make me realize why I stopped inviting people over in the first place.

The strange thing about having my parents over is that there is the odd vibe between my mom, my sister, and I. I could be inventing this entirely, of course, but I don’t think that’s the case. My mom could have come over whenever she wanted yet, instead, she arrived at the same time as my sister. Since they were coming from the same place, that sort of makes sense.

She could have left whenever she wanted to as well, but she left when my sister did. I had told them that my nieces could go swimming if they wanted to. My dad even packed them a swim bag and everything. But, my mom decided she just didn’t feel like it. I even offered to take them on my own if she just wanted to hang out in the house while we went. But still “no”. She said she had some photo editing to get back to. And I’m sure she did. But I don’t know how many weekends I’ve spent at her place with them at her urging when I had plenty of stuff to get back to my own house. So, my guess is that either really is THAT selfish, or there is something else going on. I’m thinking the latter.

I’ve always gotten the impression that she regards me as somewhat lesser of a person than other people. I’m not sure if it’s because she actually thinks less of me, or because of something specific that I’ve done to her, or because I’m technically her step-child.  But I always feel like any time she spends with me — especially time spent at my house — is really putting her out. And I don’t get that same impression when it comes to my sister (her daughter) or my step-brother (her son). But I do get that impression in regard to my brother  (her step-son).

Then again, it may have nothing to do with any of that and may actually be a product of my personality. I’m a bend-over-backwards kind of guy. Especially when it comes to people that I feel obligated to in some way — like my parents. I think that this often leads people to believe that I am weak, or that I should be taken for granted or taken advantage of. It happens often. And usually I just take it, because, like I said, I’m a bend-over-backwards kind of guy. But eventually I just stop. And it’s often sort of abrupt when I do. And I really don’t want it to get to that point with my mom.

I once spoke to a counsellor about this. She said I should confront my mom and tell her exactly what I am feeling. Of course, she also was the one who told me to do what I was doing that Jess later indicated drove her further away, so I’m not really sure if her advice should be trusted.

I’ll probably never really know. It just makes me sad to have to feel it.

Dreaming on Drugs

Jul 22nd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Last night before bed while getting very sleepy from some medication I’m taking I wrote this:

if you’ve ever wondered what’s best about the things you are offered, know this:

sometimes I need to unplug. not so much from technology, in general, but from the internet and my expectation of response from it. it is clearly an entity of its own, an I exect so much from it.

ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddfds

I’m not quite sure what it means entirely, but it’s fun to share.

Last night’s sleep was crazy. I woke up A LOT. Each time having had an even more vivid dream than the last. The strange thing was that the dreams felt VERY real — almost tangible — and were fully based on things that really could happen, which isn’t usually how I dream.

I remember this one: In real life, on Monday, C and I went to visit Ramona, Austin and their family. I had a fantastic time and certain portions of that evening really meant a lot to me. In my dream (and in reality as well) I wasn’t entirely certain that Ramona knew how much it meant to me and I set out to tell her. When I started to, she interrupted me to express how much that evening meant to her and how much she enjoyed it. We laughed and that was it.

I had another dream that clearly took place in the future even though all of the people in the dream looked the same as they do now. In this dream Kim and I were in a relationship — maybe even married. At any rate, we lived somewhere in New England on the coast. We were out walking with C on the shore and both laughing uncontrollably at C’s excitement when the waves would run up the sand and reach her feet.

So real, and yet not. The Kim one clearly isn’t true. I can look at my day today and see that I’m not in a relationship with Kim nor do I live on the East coast. But the one with Ramona might have actually happened, I feel like it was a dream, but, maybe it wasn’t. I’ve debated emailing her to ask, just in case.

why I love my brother

Jul 10th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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Despite his faults, I love my oldest brother. One of his greatest qualities is that he doesn’t bother with bullshit. He tells it just like it is, even if that means taking the blame.

I hope he doesn’t get too upset with me for sharing this with you. This is a voicemail he left me today, 2 days after my birthday.

You really should listen to it… but, in case you can’t, here’s a transcript:

hey little brother i’m sorry i missed your birthday. happy birthday and please forgive me. i knew it, i just was too lazy and i didn’t call you. it’s my fault no excuses. sorry. but hope you had a good birthday. give the little one a kiss for me. bye.

The next four days

Jun 24th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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My family rarely bothers to tell me about anything until it’s too late. So, if I can’t make it I don’t feel bad. Or rather, I do, but I know I don’t deserve to and am trying to talk myself out of it.

But, regardless of all that, I’d like to see my brother if he’s in town.

Friday night I have a birthday party to attend for a friend’s 2 yr old daughter.

Saturday night is the celebration of yet another cycle around the sun for a very dear friend of mine.

My brother is leaving early sunday morning. He just happens to get in tomorrow.

So, if i shake everything up, do some super packing tomorrow morning, go to work really early, leave early, and get Celeste early and book it to my mom’s I can have a hectic day filled with lots of driving, my brother, his two kids, and my parents being busy with something in the stockyards.

I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Getting out there on a week day is really tough. It doesn’t seem like I should jump through hoops when noone could even be bothered to tell me when he was getting here.

Ugh. I don’t know.

and this is progress

Dec 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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I’ve been busy lately, which is exactly what I wanted.

My personal improvement project is going quite well, though only4 days old at this point. I’ve had no offers of reward, encouragement, or companionship but I have I have inspired a few people to take a similar approach in their own lives, which is awesome. Running 3 mornings a week has proven to be the most difficult. It’s cold, and I’m tired, and it’s just so easy to say “no” and roll over in bed. But, I haven’t yet.

pushing away

pushing away

Thanks to a couple of friends, I managed to do something I’ve always wanted to do last night: photograph an abandoned building at night. It was something that I just couldn’t bring myself to do alone. Fear of getting hurt with no one to assist, mostly — either by something old laying on the property, an animal living in the house, or the hobo who might be sleeping in the barn.

I’ve been making a better effort to start documenting my daughter’s life as well. There will be more on this later, but possibly not here. I’m not sure I’m willing to link this to that. We’ll see. If you know me personally, and would like info, hit me up some other way and I’ll make sure you’re included.

I’ve been making some very good headway when it comes to sorting out the relationships in my life. My therapist agrees, which is just reassurance that I am making reasonable decisions. In many cases, I’m finding that the relationships I’m realizing I’ve lost aren’t really anyone’s “fault”. It’s just that they have become less available to me than I am. But I wasn’t keeping that in balance which led to hurt and confusion and panic. Balance is really key. I am now learning how to allow that balance to mostly maintain itself, and how to recognize when it isn’t.

All this sorting out has also opened my eyes up to some valuable friendships that I was being unavailable to that are certainly worth putting some energy into. It’s also given me the opportunity and motive to seek out some new friendships, which I haven’t really done in a long time. I’ve met a few interesting people. One person in particular, very similar to me in thought process and desires, I’ve made a very nice connection with. I’m having coffee with her this Friday, which should be fun.

I’ve got a couple more photo projects I really want to get rolling. I’m still looking for volunteers if you’re interested. Don’t worry, I won’t make you take off ALL of your clothes. :)

As the holidays approach life is getting more and more hectic on it’s own, which is also good, in a way. While I enjoy peace and quiet, I really thrive in hectic conditions.

Tonight Jess and I are putting up our holiday tree. This weekend we’ll be seeing my parents, as usual, and enjoying some time with some good friends. I’m also planning on photographing my friend’s kid for the holidays. Maybe even get some of our kids together. They are both so cute. Is it too early to arrange a marriage?

I had really wanted to attend the Dallas Santa Rampage this year, but it took more giving and planning than I wanted to invest and, when I really considered everything, the time is better spent elsewhere. But I’m certain it will be a blast and I believe there are still tickets left. So, if you’re not doing anything Saturday, you should certainly consider it.

Speaking of the holidays, I remember now that I’d wanted to write a bit about my thoughts on Christmas, Advent, the birth of Jesus and the true message of his life. Someone remind me to do that, will you?

yesterday, today, and tomorrow

Sep 29th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

I enjoy having a packed schedule. It makes the down time more enjoyable and keeps me from wallowing in too much madness. Unfortunately, a packed schedule often comes with the stress of those things that are packing the schedule as well as the guilt that comes with the fact that many of those things pull me away from my wife and daughter.

Last Friday was nice. I wouldn’t have minded a few people coming over to goof off. But, as it was, it was just Jess and the baby and I, and that was just right. We watching the debate, discussed the heights of the candidates in comparison to those in the Koreas, and bragged about our own bracelets.

Saturday was supposed to be filled with family and parties and friends. As it turned out, Jess had an infection in her hand that was working up her arm. It was too serious to ignore so we called a emergency clinic who told us to go to the ER. 6 hours later, they did nothing for her but write a prescription. Later that night we got to spend some time with a dear friend of mine who is moving to Florida. She will be sorely missed. It was nice to spend some time letting loose.

Sunday my Dad and my brother and I met Johnny and Justin out in the sticks of DFW to work on the scaffolding for the Arc for our camp at Myschievia this year. (If you’re not going to Myschievia… WHY NOT?!) I can’t say it was “fun”, but I left with some work being done, a trailer full of parts, a very good plan, some sore muscles, and a tight sunburn. We headed back to my dad’s for dinner. Then goofed off a bit before meeting Johnny and Skwid for coffee and then heading home.

Tonight we’re working on the top part of the Arc. We’re all gathering at Justin’s place.

Tomorrow is a prep day: house work, cleaning, and such.

Then, Wednesday, I pick up my mom from the airport. She’s staying for a week. Weee!

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