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guilty, without charge

Sep 15th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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I regularly feel guilty for things that I do. It’s rarely, if ever, because the person I feel guilty about has done or said something to make me feel guilty. It’s usually not even because of some action someone else took. Most of the time the source of my guilt is contained entirely within the walls of my mind.

I was raised Catholic. Maybe that’s where all the guilt comes from.

I don’t get to see my wife and daughter often enough. With work, sleep, chores, and social expectations taking up the majority of my time (in that order), there’s little left for them. So any time I do anything at all that takes away from time I could be spending with them I feel guilty. It’s not that either of them do anything that makes me feel guilty. I just do. All on my own.

I need to get over it, take some time for myself, and get to the point where I feel good about who I am again. I need more photo sessions; more outings with friends in crazy, crowded bars; more outings with friends in secluded, intimate locations; more hikes; more stargazing; more road-trips; more projects.

The guilt, however, it not entirely without reason. It keeps me in check and makes sure that I’m taking time out for other people too: my wife, my daughter, my family, my friends. It makes sure that it’s not always about me. Because, unfortunately, the people that I love are not always interested and available for the things I want to do.

So that’s what I need now. I need to find a happy medium between satisfying my own needs and catering to the needs of those I love without feeling so guilty and stressed and, eventually, depressed, that I end up doing neither.

weekend recap

Aug 18th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

Jess helped me move my office around Friday night trying to find a setup that’s more fitting and less wasteful. I think I may have found something that works. I’m quite happy about this as it had been a source of frustration for quite a while. The room was unusable as it was and always left in an unfinished state. The clutter alone was enough to make me cloudy headed. Now I actually have room for another person or two to work as well as seating for two or three and a place to sleep if needed. Who wants to be my first office guest?

Later that evening we watched “The Cabin” “The Ruins” (thanks Bonnie) at Justin’s place. Even if it’s the last movie you have on the shelf I don’t recommend watching it. The baby actually slept while there, after much coaxing, which was quite a nice surprise. She just needs a clean, soft surface, pillows for a barricade, and a room with limited distractions (no blinking lights, squeaking doors, or fluctuating noise levels. She can tolerate anything as long as it’s constant. Oddly enough, this is a fairly hard environment to find in many of our friend’s houses so we often have a hard time with this.

I spent early Saturday morning at the McKinney Farmer’s Market where I bought some yummy peaches that were huge and some equally gigantic tomatoes. The people there were really nice and didn’t mind my camera at all. Next weekend I may try to catch the Dallas Farmer’s Market at opening. Anyone want to join me?

Later that day Jess and I took the baby to Third Monday Trade Days just to look around. Then I came home and cleaned up my newly arranged office. That evening a couple of friends came over and we basically played Rock Band until 2:30am when I finally couldn’t keep my eyes open and opted to go to bed.

I work up at 6am Sunday morning because I forgot to turn my alarm off. Once I was up, I couldn’t get back to sleep so, after laying around for a bit, I decided I may as well get up and get something done. I cleaned my office some more, then washed Jess’ car which seemed to have not been cleaned in several years. I then straightened out my ToDo lists and did a few things in the yard.

I got a call from my brother asking if we wanted to get together, which sounded like a good idea to me. I also found out that my other brother and his wife are getting a divorce and that my two nieces will be living with my parents for the time being. While I’m glad to have my nieces around again and grateful that if they were in a hostile environment they are now getting out of it, I’m quite shaken up to think that the two of them will have a torn childhood like my brother and I did.

A bit later our friends woke up, we played a few games of Mario Kart and then they decided to go home. Jess and I got a few things done around the house and then went to see my parents, my brother, and my nephew at my Dad’s place. We had a nice lunch, then played a few hands of poker (I lost $15). We stopped at the store on our way home to pick up a few things and then watched a little TV before bed.

Now it’s Monday morning. Instead of typing this up from my office before leaving for work as I usually would, I left bright and early and stopped at a starbucks near my office to work in an effort to beat traffic a bit. I think it worked as I got here in less than an hour.

Today is Jess’ do-nothing day so I’m trying to give her as much space as possible so she can do whatever it is that she wants to do without any interruption, confusion, or stress caused by me. I have no lunch or evening plans today so, if you’ve got something (or even nothing) going on, let me know and we can do it together.

Tomorrow I have lunch plans with a few friends which should be awesome. Then my brother and I are going to the casino that night. He swears they have a craps table at this place. I think he’s full of crap (ha, get it!) but we’ll see.

I’m not taking nearly enough photos lately. Got any ideas? Want to be photographed? Let me know.

Summer Camp

Jul 25th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

bathing baby (#2)This is Celeste being bathed in a wash bucket at my In-Law’s Summer Camp in Northern Ontario. I love this photograph for more reasons than I can possibly list.

The concept of a “Summer Camp” to those that don’t live in the North is probably quite foreign. In fact, if it conjures any image at all, it’s more than likely of a group camp affiliated with a church or scouting organization that younger children attend for a few weeks each summer. In a way, it is kind of like that, only, usually on a smaller scale and much more close knit.

When I grew up, my Grandmother had (and still has) a Summer Camp in Vermont. Even after staying with her at Camp for entire summers, I still didn’t really understand what it meant or why anyone would put forth the money and trouble. This year it’s starting to make more sense. It’s not a place, or a season, or certain people. Sure, these things all get included in the end. But, above all that, it’s a way of life, a set of values, and a shared bond between family and friends. And that’s where I’ve spent my past two weeks.

Of course every Camp is different. My In-Laws Camp tends to be quiet, laid back, and relaxed and happens to be equipped with most of the luxuries of home. Other Camps are really just houses on the lake and set in the woods. Others have no running water, save for the complicated array of tubes and water barrels you’ve designed, a kitchen that’s just a basin and a stove under an awning, and more out houses than bedrooms.

Regardless of what a camp is like, if it’s something that is loved and cherished, then being there will be an experience all of it’s own. Maybe a Summer Camp we’ll have one day. Either, one of our own, or one to share part in with others. Some place to bring my own children up with those same values and shared bonds.

brain dump

Jul 9th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

SheridanI’m a bit scattered this morning, so I’m sure this will flow in a similar fashion. Ugh.

I’m pretty sure I’m not taking the Ferry from Tobermory. Sure, I might change my mind at the last minute and hope for the best but, the added travel time just doesn’t make sense considering how eager I am to see my little girl. Besides, I think the time and money would be better spent if I planned a trip out there during my stay at “Camp” these next two weeks. Then I can give the Island and the Peninsula the time and effort it deserves.

Free Wifi and never ending coffee at Denny’s is awesome. Even if it is really noisy.

I’m hoping I can dodge any invitations to any kind of dinner event this evening so that I can go for a nice long walk at my favorite Syracuse Park: Green Lakes. Then again, I heard a couple of guys talking about this “new wing place you just have to try” and I think they were aiming for tonight. We’ll see.

Then thursday night, I’ll either end up going to bed early or heading out to the casino to blow a couple hundred dollars at a Craps table. It depends on what I’m going to do the next day.

I think that I might drive to Toronto via Watertown. If I leave around 5am, I’ll be to the Lake Ontario just in time to catch the good light. Then I’ll still have 9 hours to make a 4 hour trip. But I can always waste more time at the Islands or pay the crazy parking rates in Toronto and explore on my own before I meet Kim.

As crazy as they are, as insistant and demanding as they can be, as hectic as the time I spend with them can get, I like my family. My family, my extended family, and even my in-laws. Yesterday I got 4 phone calls of people singing me happy birthday. It’s a small thing, sure, and, at the time, it was interrupting a hectic day and that made it kind of annoying. But at the end of the day when I close my eyes to sleep, it feels good to know that people are thinking of me. I even got to hear my Niece screaming at my brother until he’d let her talk to me so she could say “happy birthday” too.

These next few weeks have me wound up quite a bit. The problem is that I am a planner and a worrier, and my wife and my mother-in-law are the exact opposite of that. So, I end up not coming up with things for me to do, worried that it might step on the toes of something they’ve planned to do when, in the end, they never plan to do anything. However, when I finally give myself enough freedom to make some sort of plan, it’s usually met with the knowledge that they have made plans and, of course, mine interfere with theirs. So, being selfless and a worrier, I generally give in to thier plans and opt not to make any more for myself.

This year, I’m going to try something different. I’m going to make plans for myself starting from day one. If they make plans and tell me about them and everything works out, then great. But if they come up with plans too late and I like my own plans better then I’m keeping my own plans. It’s easier said than done. I’m a push over. And I don’t like to cause trouble or upset people. But, it’s my goal at least.

There are so many things I want to see and do. Here’s the short list: Bruce Peninsula National Park, Manitoulin Island, Lake Superior National Park, Pukaskwa National Park. and Killarney. I doubt I’ll get all that in. Some of those are quite difficult to plan a trip around, especially when my “home base” is in the middle of no where with no cell service or internet access. But, it’s something to try.

If you know of anything closer to Webbwood, Ontario worth seeing, please, let me know.

I leave you now with this photo of my Neice, Sheridan.

and 4 months passed just like that

Apr 20th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

what button do I push... I know I say something similar about once a month, but, I cannot believe Celeste is going to be 4 months old next week. I’m sure that I was standing in that hospital nursery just yesterday afternoon thinkings, “There she is! That beautiful, kicking, crying baby is 100% yours to love and care for and nurture and support and potentially ruin.” Then, just the other day, she comes home from the store with mom wearing sun glasses and I think, “This is it. This is the start of the long drawn out event in which she grows up into an active teenager and I become her old dad who just doesn’t know what cool is and doesn’t understand.”

Despite the message the accompanying photo might portray, she’s actually been quite easy. Take yesterday, for example. The day before she was awake until 11pm that night when she fell asleep in the car on the way home. The next morning we woke her up at 5:30am, threw her in the car and took her for a 4 hour long hike strapped to my chest, most of which she was wide awake for and even entertained us with some singing along the way. Then we took her home for a quick nap and then threw her back in the car and drove her to Ennis where we expected her to pose pretty amongst the wild flowers. And she did. She was nothing but smiles until she got hungry. But 30 minutes at her mother’s breast solved that and she was ready to go again. So we brought her to a birthday party where she made it until about 9:00 when she finally started to get a little cranky. Even then, after the quick nap on the way home she was all smiles again.

Certainly a large portion of her good nature has to do with how naturally likable, charming, and easy going I am. Of course. That must be it. But she wasn’t always this easy. It took (and still takes) some work on our part. So I think that the lifestyle we keep her in has a lot to do with it, for which I am very grateful.

Next week I have to travel to New York on business for the entire week. The thought of being away from my family for that long has me feeling terrible. I’m smothering Celeste with all the attention I can muster and, some how, it just doesn’t seem to be enough to last for an entire week. We’re planning a trip to Canada this summer and there is some talk of Jess going up there earlier than me in order to spend some extra with her family. Words like “1 month” and “I’ll be fine by myself” and “at least we can come home together” are being thrown around and I feel like my lungs have been shrunk to the size of pinto beans and then fried… twice. I know that compromise is important and I have to keep an open mind and consider the needs of both my family and my extended family but I’m really having a hard time with this. It hard enough for me to accept being away for one week — 5 days really — on a trip required by my job which supports my family, it seems almost impossible to accept a voluntary month long separation.

I never realized how completely different my life could be as a father. Not that I didn’t have fair warning. No. Many of those that were fathers and mothers before me warned me both directly and indirectly that this would happen. And I believed them. But, the reality is so much different than the perception.

they grow up so fast

At the same time though, the warnings that my entire life outside of this little bundle of drool and poop and spit-up would change — if not end entirely — have been mostly untrue. Things are different, yes. Everything has been reprioritized, no doubt about it. Some aspects of life had to be compressed in order to make room for more important things, this is true. But, I still have time for my hobbies, my friends, my joys, and my passions. I was told that the things I wanted to do with my time would change. I was told that many of my prior thoughts and desires and passions and dreams would be completely replaced, but it just hasn’t happened that way.

While everything has certainly been reshuffled and I’ve made some conscious choices to toss a few things out here and there, all in all I feel as though I am intact. I feel as though fatherhood has made me a better person and continues to change me in positive ways. I’m the type of person who seeks personal change. I revel in every step of that transformation. While these particular changes may feel more poignant, I don’t feel like any of me is different or missing now that I’m a father.

I’m happy about that, too. Despite some self-esteem issues and a constant (unnecessary, I know) search for external validation, I’m pretty damn happy with who I am. Sure, there are some things about me that I would change and work daily towards doing so. But all-in-all, I really like who I am. And I’m glad that I can be this person for my wife, my daughter, my future family, and the group of people, both new and old, that I draw closer and closer to me with each passing day.

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