revjim.net

fatherhood

better?

Aug 7th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

better?A friend recently told me that my brain runs too fast analyzing what’s being said and thinking of what to say next that it makes it hard for me to be a good listener. She’s probably right. I had always thought that knowing exactly what to say at the right time is what sorted out the good listeners from the bad ones. But I realized, when she said that, that sometimes there isn’t anything someone can say. Sometimes, there isn’t an answer. And when there isn’t, I suck at it.

Whatever skill needs to be employed in those cases — to listen without having the answer — is probably useful just the same even when there is an answer. That skill, whatever it is, is one that I don’t seem to have. But if I did, and this is just conjecture, it would make me a better listener in all cases. So I’m looking for that skill.

I keep a text file on my computer named “things I should never forget”. It’s mostly just small quotes from various people and links to whatever they came from. It’s full of good things. Things like:

It’s getting immensely easier to enjoy living as I stop trying to prove a point to anyone and just do what’s good.

–Farris Goldstein

Yesterday I added a new bit of knowledge to this book of my life:

Don’t be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.

– Joey Comeau

It’s no wonder it has become so easy for us, as a society, to tell lies and half truths to get what we want. We’ve seen it used over and over again as a tactic for pacification since we were so very young.

Imagine you’re a young child. Your father is about to leave for the day and you don’t want him to. Your father told you he’d be back at the end of the day and covered you in hugs and kisses, but that it didn’t help to ease you. He told you didn’t want to go but that he had to. That didn’t help much either. Then, another adult tells you that your father is really just going to get you a snack, and that he’ll be right back. That makes you feel better. You stop crying and your father leaves. You’re happy to go on playing and wait for him to return. But he doesn’t. Not until much later that evening. After you’ve glanced at the door so many times that you eventually stop looking. When you see him you’re so happy that he’s there that you almost forget that it took longer than you expected. Almost. But day after day, time after time, over and over again, it sticks and you remember. You learn that people lie to get what they want. They lie to innocent children and they lie to other lying adults. Lying is a fact of life, a required tool. A tool requiring mastery.

When there are turtles under the bridge, when there are fish in the pond,when the birds sing us home, when there’s a frog in the car that we can’t get out, life is good. And those little laughs, the little giggles, the little smiles, make everything that much more amazing and bring warmth to even the coldest days. I am inspired by her, every day, to be more like I want to be. Whoever said parenting is a zero sum game

and now on to the next

Jul 30th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

I’m not one to celebrate a success before it’s time. However, there are some goals that never really finish (like, “quit smoking”, for example). Eventually we have to give ourselves some credit and move on to the next thing. So that’s what I’m doing.

There will be hard days and there will be easy days and most will land somewhere in between. But, I believe I’ve found a happy, healthy, rich method with which to give Celeste the attention and guidance she deserves while still caring for myself and getting the things done that society has made a requirement. It seems as though the very bad days are behind us and that I’ve gotten to a spot where I can quickly adjust based on her mood, my mood, any physical illness, and account for whatever behaviors she’s seen while away from me that may be out-of-line with what I think works best for her and myself.

So hooray for that. Celebrations will be held indefinitely.

And now on to the next.

five words

Jul 28th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

(Morgan supplied me with five words that reminded her of me to write about. Let me know if you’d like me to give you five words. )

Reverend
I include the word “Reverend” in my online Persona (which is really just regular ole me with a bit more courage). Many people have mistaken this to mean that I am a Reverend of a Church. While I am, in fact, a Reverend of a Church, it isn’t the Church that comes to their mind and that’s not what this word signifies for me.

Reverend is defined as “worthy of adoration or reverence”, and reverence, basically, means respect. It’s my not so subtle way of indicating that what I have to say is important and that my words and I should be respected. I don’t mean this in an elitist way. I believe everyone to be worthy of reverence when they take an honest chunk of themselves and cast it out there for all to see, no matter the nature of that work, the medium it’s presented in, or the meaningful nature of it to a particular recipient.

Chaotic
It’s interesting to me that this word was even selected. Chaos is the natural state of everything and, simultaneously, the enemy to all that we’ve built and organized. To be Chaotic is to be pure and raw and elemental; to allow ourselves to attain the most natural state we can imagine. Yet, at the same time, it is destructive. And destruction can be good, necessary even. But at some point, destruction is wasteful and, eventually, irreparable.

Photo
Photographs are a moment in time. A slice of reality with a frame drawn around it and everything else erased. If you compare a photographer to a painter there are equivalents. A painter applies paint, a photographer, however, captures light. A painter applies it to a canvas, while a photographer captures his on some film or a digital sensor. But the tool the painter relies on most is his brush. For a photographer, this tool is four edges. That’s right. The very box that bounds the photo is what changes photography from a technical trade into an art form.

History
History is really the only thing that separates us from monkeys. History allows us to learn, not only from our own mistakes and successes, but from the mistakes and successes of those before us. If someone hadn’t collected and shared the concept of Algebra, for instance, we’d be limited to what one man could figure out in a single lifetime. History brings each of us an opportunity for eternity. And in that same way, the destruction of history is the destruction of that life.

I rarely build something that I don’t intend to keep some aspect of. Even the failed relationships of my past have left me with puddles of goodness. So good, in fact, that many of those relationships have been rebuilt into something even better than they were before.

Fatherhood
This is single most amazing adventure I’ve ever been on. And, in the big picture, it’s only just the beginning. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for the feeling I had the first time that little creature, my own creation — an organic, natural, earthly miracle — wrapped her tiny hand around my finger. I know it’s an instinct and had little to nothing to do with me. But I didn’t care. I was hooked. This little girl would rule my entire world and I would happily let her do so.

all days like this

Jul 23rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

I’ve slowly been intentionally revaluating my needs and desires, changing my expectations, and altering how I operate in order to find a way to live in greater harmony with the wants, desires, needs, and focuses of a young child as a single parent.

Celeste helps pot a plant

Celeste helps pot a plant

My practice (nor my theory) is anywhere close to perfect. But really, I don’t think the concept of perfect even applies here (or to most things, for that matter, but that that’s a tangent). However, every now and then everything just falls into place. And, thankfully, this is happening more and more often lately, despite the fact that my daughter is progressing deeper and deeper into what most people claim to be one of the least agreeable stages of childhood.

Yesterday, after picking my daughter up from daycare, we did the following:

  • Went shopping at a hardware store (one her least favorite places to shop because of my hesitation to let her explore with so many dangerous things around)
  • Planted 8 new plants outside
  • Repotted Henri (a basil plant I got for father’s day from Celeste (and Jess))
  • Pulled weeds
  • Took a shower
  • Made and ate dinner
  • Cleaned the kitchen
  • Did two loads of Laundry
  • Sweeped the living room, dining room, kitchen, and entry way
  • Cleaned her playroom
  • Went out for Ice Cream
  • Went to bed at a “reasonable” hour (reasonable for our lifestyle is any time before 9pm)
  • Went to sleep without argument

Of course all of this was done in between singing songs, drawing pictures, toddler dance parties, playing chase on the front sidewalk, digging in the dirt for fun, spraying eachother with the water hose, changing diapers, wiping noses, and the other usual things. And, since there’s no one here but her and I, it means all of this was done together or in close proximity. More interesting is that it was done all with only one small protest from her once that was quickly dodged.

I’m quite proud.

It was shockingly simple, really, and involved little more than throwing away any preprogrammed notions I have of what should or shouldn’t be and just following my instinct with little concern for anything outside of right now.

It encourages me not only to continue down this path with her, but to consider treating other aspects of my life in this same manner.

The best way to sum up the lesson I’ve learned is this:

Simply allow life to be great without demand for how or why. You will find more peace and happiness more often this way.

Finer Points

Jul 9th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

I don’t dare to say that anyone’s life is perfect. Despite outward appearances, we all have hardships and difficulties. It’s these very things that make the sweeter things sweet. However, Erin (of BlueBirdBaby) and her life continue to inspire me as an artist, a parent, a lover of nature, and a member of the human race.

Recently, she’s begun to share the words of Sasa, a significant person in her life and the life of her daughter, on her site as well. I take the following words from him posted on my birthday and share them with you:

It is amazing to me how quickly things can change. How sun follows storm, how clouds follow clarity, how time follows eternity. And yet there is something always there, aware and present to notice every thing. From the simple joy of seeing the moon again for the first time, to the frenzy of fireworks filling the sky, it is all there for us.

We are such cyclical creatures. It’s not a curse or a blessing, it’s simply what we are. We have been indelibly shaped by our tides, our planet, its rotation, and its orbit around the closest star, our sun. Under the gentle hand of our creator, these little pushes and pulls in all different and unseen directions have led us here, shaped the moutains and the sea, created night and day, and gave birth to four generous seasons. We are creatures dependant on our planet’s rotation; Dependant on its orbit around the sun for our very survial; Dependant on these cycles.

I wish to live my life in concert with what created me, not in direct opposition to it. I wish to blur the lines between which parts of the world are me and which parts are not. I wish to welcome each season against my skin instead of shutting it outside, closing all the doors, and blasting the air conditioning or stoking the furnace to force out what sneaks in the cracks.

I will find peace in a handful of sand. I will feel comfort in the mud between my toes. I will be refreshed by a heavy summer rain. I will be lulled to sleep by the gentle tug of the moon. And I wish for my daughter to find these same things and more in the world from which she was born.

It matters not if my she is wealthy or famous. It matters not if she is the biggest, the brightest, or the best. For her I only want peace. Peace found within ourselves aided only by the map that our creator has drawn time and time again all around us. And from this peace great love, happiness, and communion with others will spring forth. And the finer points of what it means to live here and now will be evident. I wish that my daughter would find naturally what has taken me thirty-one years to look for in all the wrong places. And I intend to be sure she has every tool she needds to find it. And in this great design, those tools are all free of charge.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you, for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

-Kahlil Gibran

The will of a child, part I

Jul 6th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

Last night was terrible. Im laying here awake thinking of it partly because it was so bad, but also because it’s our last day together before my inlaws get here.

Despite a bad headache, a cranky girl, and a few other bad circumstances, we had a really good day until we got home. Then everything went wrong.

First there was the dinner thing. She wasn’t listening at all and almost got boiling water splashed on her. I tried the nice voice and the stern voice. I tried askin and I tried physically moving. No matter what she either threw a fit or didn’t listen. Then, when that didn’t work, she resorted to being intentionally hurtful. I would have never believed a 1.5 year old could be intentionally hurtful if I hadn’t been through it. More than once. On the same day. Which is what she did last night.

After dinner we went for a 1.5 hour walk because that’s what she wanted. We played and laughed and had fun. Except for the two times we stopped at the house to get water and/or use the bathroom. We were even playing “which house is ours” and she was so excited when she found it until she thought that meant we were going home. It didn’t. We were just walking past it. So then she changes her answer to a very angry NO, that it was definately not our house. When it was actually time to go in she cried and cried and cried. Thankfully, singing and laughing inside got her over that fairly quickly.

When it was finally bed time she wanted nothing of it. No songs. She didn’t want me to lay with her. She started getting more and more dificult. When I could think of no other options I set us up a little bed in front of the TV (which we rarely watch) to let her decide she was ready on her own. But she just got crankier and crankier. After almost 45 minutes of that I decided it was time to stop giving her a choice. Then she exploded. After dealing with that I told her that she could do whatever she wanted but that I was going to sleep. I laid down and she just threw herself on the ground and bumped her face on the night stand.

I picked her up and tried to tak to her. She resorted to being intentionally mean again. 30 minutes of laying around and talking and trying to change the subject and she finally decided she could stop being mean and that it was okay to go to sleep. It took over 1.5 hours to go from some form of very upset to sleeping.

And of course all of that is made worse by the fact that I got frustrated. I stopped being a source of calm and love and instead just cake off as upset and ocassionaly angry and yelling. Which does no one any good at all. And all of that was made worse still by this being out last nIght together before my inlaws get here. In the end I was crying and she was crying and it was just absolutely terrible.

And I feel horrible. I’d take the day off of work if it was an option. But it just isn’t for a few reasons.

At least I get to see her again on Wednesday.

Stay positive, or why Kaboom Town rocked

Jul 4th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

Yesterday evening started out terrible. I drove all the way home from Keller only to find out that I had the wrong date for the plans I was returning for. We wanted to see fireworks, there were 6 other people going including kids, and I’d ruined everything.

It took all my might to stay positive. Celeste sensed I was upset and started acting up which only made things much worse.

We scoured the Internet looking for other fireworks happening on Friday the 3rd. The only thing we could find was Kaboom Town which we knew would be packed with people, a traffic nightmare, and not nearly as family friendly as it pretends to be.

In the end our choices were either Kaboom Town or nothing at all. So we opted to go.

So I put my new philosophy into high gear: this was our choice, there are no other options, hate it or love it we’re going… So I may as well resolve to love it.

So I did.

And so did Celeste.

Yes there were too many people, food cost too much, it was not at all family friendly, and traffic was absolute chaos (though we did manage to make it home a lot faster than it took is to get there).

But so what. We had fun. Lots of fun. And hearing Celeste say “ooooooh! Booooooom!” after each explosion and get soooooo excited seeing the airplanes made all the other crap not even matter.

Kaboom Town was a success.

to my health

Jun 22nd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

It’s so strange how having a child (or anyone important to you, I imagine) in your care can change the way you look at your entire life.

Specifically, I’m talking about my health. Medical and physical issues have long since been a source of severe irritation and, sometimes, incapacitation. In the past, I’ve been content to just deal with the pain and frustration knowing that, like many things, these too would pass and leave me right where I was. But this is no longer good enough. Every day is important. Every day is critical. Every day matters. A day that I can’t be there for my daughter, and ultimately myself, is, in the best of cases, a day lost and wasted. In the worst of cases, it does more damage than it does good.

I know my issues are plenty, as are the issues of most people in this crazy, twisted society. I certainly don’t intend to blame my health for all of the problems I had in my marriage. But I don’t know that they contributed quite a bit. And, even when they didn’t, my physical health directly affects my mental well being, the effects of which are quite clear.

This weekend was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I spent a portion of Saturday night quite sick and all of Sunday trying to recover. I’m grateful that I got to spend father’s day with my daughter. And we had fun and played and laughed quite a bit. However, my general irritability due to not feeling well certainly didn’t make me the best that I could possibly be. I know I need to make room in life for feeling bad, as that’s sort of the way of things as well, this is simply too much.

So, as if I wasn’t concerned about health in general before now, I’m now making a specific effort to take time out for *ME* and to see to my own health so that I can live a longer, happier, life feeling better both for me and for the most important girl in my life: my daughter.

with three wide open lanes

Jun 13th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet
a day in

a day in

Writing really is theraputic, so I think I’ll keep it up.

Last night was a nice break. I got to hang out and let go with some new people and that’s really needed every now and then. Other people ended up staying later than I did but I just decided I was ready to go so I went. I’ve gotten much better in social situations recently, but, after a while I still get a little uncomfortable.

I was trying to explain this last night. The best social scenario for me is between 4 and 10 people in someone’s home. Don’t get me wrong, the crazy rockin’ party now and again is a blast too. But, over all, I’d prefer it laid back, casual, and intimate.

Maybe I’m just getting old.

As soon as I left Denton I realized I should have stayed a bit on the square and took some photographs. The light was beautiful and I wanted coffee anyways. But, by that time I was already half way home and didn’t want to turn back. So I went to starbucks, worked on a few things, and then did some late night shopping.

When I got home sometime after 11pm, the neighbors were outside having a few drinks so I joined them. We had some interesting conversations about spirituality and child rearing and personality types. I’m slowly starting to find the peace I once had within myself in regard to who I am and where I am going that I some how lost over the last 5 or 6 years. It’s nice to be “back” but I’m not pushing it too hard for fear that I’ll land on the other extreme.

I ended up in bed sometime after 1am and up before 7am, of course. I’m grateful for my internal clock though. It keeps me even most of the time, even if it refuses to let me sleep in when I can.

It’s so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one’s head?

So, what I’m trying to say is…
What (What?) I’m trying to tell you is…
Not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause
I know you’ll only change it.

(Say it.)

I’ve been sorting out some things online for a few hours now and telling myself that it’s time to get my ass in gear for at least 30 minutes now. I need to get showered and dressed. Then I’ll pack a FULL bag for the day for Celeste and I, because I’m not entirely certain where we’ll be later tonight or how much stuff I’ll need. Once that stuff is squared away, I’ll do as much housework as I can before I need to leave at 11:30am. Then pick up Celeste and head out for a play date with a good friend and a new friend and their kids.

I practically live out of my car some days (like today) because this metroplex is too damn big. So I bring everything I could imagine needing and just scrounge food whereever I can find some. If I could just have a place to sleep, a place to eat, and a few belongings tucked away in each corner of this GIANT city, life might be a lot easier and involve a lot less driving. Anyone have a spare room? Ha.

Tomorrow’s still up in the air too. I thought about going to church, because I really miss it and the community and family values it fosters. But, I’m not entirely sure that I’m ready to put Celeste in the onsite childcare during the service, and keeping her in the foyer is not really fun for either of us. Regardless, I’m sure there will be swimming involved at some point tomorrow. We have an awesome pool here and Celeste LOVES the water and loves playing in the sand. We could stay there for hours.

The photo in this post is really not related to anything here. Just something fun I took recently that I felt like sharing.

breaking horses

May 27th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

(While this is, specifically, about raising children, the same basic struggle can be applied to nearly every action I take and every thought that runs through my brain. Internal conflict abounds.)

There is a fine line between letting a child be a child and letting a child run wild. Or, put another way, there is a fine line between controlling a child and directing a child. Even at my daughter’s young age of 17 months I feel this. Every day.

On one hand, I want to clear everything dangerous and harmful from her path, even if it means personal sacrifice doing without things I enjoy. And then just let her run free. Let her explore and investigate everything with no restrictions. I want to answer questions, provide guidance, bring comfort and love, and never EVER have to use the word “No”.

On the other hand, I want my daughter to grow up to be a fully functioning (yet independently thinking) member of society. This means understanding that one cannot have everything they see. That, often, the answer is, indeed, “No”. And that, no matter who you are, where you live, or what you do, there is always someone you must answer to. Modern society provides a lot of amazing, wonderful, life enriching, life extending things. But, they are bittersweet when the come with such a cynical ceiling.

I don’t know anything about horses. So it won’t do any good to nit-pick at the finer points of this argument. But, to me, preparing a child for society almost feels like breaking a horse. You have this beautiful, wild, untouchable creature. Roaming free, living free, eating free, and existing without any of the benefits that modern society can provide it. Through the process of breaking the horse (by force or trust or whatever) you have a creature, much the same as the original, yet different. This new creature understands what it is allowed to do and what it isn’t. You have a creature that, regardless of why, chooses to obey those rules, at least for now. And that understanding — that seemingly small change — is actually present in every thought and choice that horse makes from that point forward.

It seems to be the same with humans. In the beginning you have nothing but a child: wild, free, somewhat understanding of it’s own bounds, but with no understanding of the bounds society places on it, and no understanding regarding why it should care. And, in the end, you have member of modern day society.

In order to get from the wild child to the upright citizen, there is a process. It is that very process that I struggle with; That very process that makes me sad and, at the same time, proud.

I, of course, take the most gentle approach possible with my daughter — and, if I were in the business of breaking horses, would do the same then, I believe. I seek trust over force time and time again. And I’ve had some great success. However, it doesn’t come without great frustration. I am left wondering if there might be a better way. And I am filled with worry that it might not even be necessary at all. And these things scare me. A lot.

I don’t have any answers. Only questions.

← Earlier Posts