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little pieces

Jul 25th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
2 comments

You might be surprised at how many times I’ve sat down to write as I am now, and the first things I’ve typed have said something to indicate that I had no idea what I was going to write and I hoped that, in the end, it was at least a little interesting for you, and a little helpful for me. Often, by the end, there is a clear point and I delete those words. Maybe I will today too.

hopeful

hopeful

A Dream and a Kiss

My dreams have never been at all similar to the types of dreams I hear most people talk about. For instance, until fairly recently, I’d never had a dream about any kind of sexual activity. Nudity, sure, but that’s it. When it finally did happen, it was mostly awkward in my dream and left me laughing about it when I woke.

Last night I dreamt about a kiss. Not only was it an unexpected dream, but the kiss itself was unexpected in the dream, lasted all of 3 seconds, and was quite wonderful. I’m not sure what that says about me or how I’m supposed to interpret it. Maybe I really don’t care. It was a nice dream. In true form for me, the other participant was not anyone that I currently have romantic interest in. Not that I wouldn’t or won’t in the future. It’s just the way things work. And I use the words “romantic interest” very loosely. I am, after all, a recently separated, single father with a stressful job who lives far away from everyone he knows.

A Lake and Fireworks

I spent last night at the lake with good friends, swimming and watching fireworks. I’ve brought Celeste swimming quite a bit this summer and she’s taken to the water like a fish. With so many boats in the lake, this was her first time to experience waves of any kind. Though they were small, some were at least half her height and definitely capable of overpowering her. She did well though. The first few knocked her underwater. She’s known how to hold her breath for quite a while, so that wasn’t a problem. She’d wait for me to scoop her up and then try again. Eventually, she let go of some of her independence when she realized she’d have a lot more fun in the “deep” water if she held on to something like my leg. If I wasn’t walking fast enough for her she’d say “Dada! Move!”. I’d ask her which way and she’d point out toward the middle of the lake. And that’s one reason among millions why she brings so much light into my life.

My clothes were still wet when I got home.

admiration

admiration

My Time and a Break

A good friend recently asked me, in regard to parenthood, “But, don’t you ever enjoy a break?” This is my response to her, with some editing and more added in.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy a break. But, when I get one, more often than not, I just find myself wishing Celeste was there. Especially after more than a few hours. More than anything it’d be nice to be able to “tag out” every now and then when I get frustrated or overwhelmed. That way I can calm down in my own space without having to do it in front of Celeste. But, that’s not a choice I have so I’m doing the best that I can.

I think if I had a partner — like a real partner, with two-way communication and sharing of duties, though not necessarily a wife or even a female — I’d have the best of both worlds. Then I could ask for a morning every now and then to myself and go find a sunrise and not have to worry about taking Celeste with me. Or I could stay up late and drink here and there not worry about having to be up in the morning with the kiddo.

Then again, when I do have time away from her (which is far too often) I rarely, if ever, spend it out drinking. And, though I’m not sure her young mind can possibly appreciate it in the same way I do, one of the things I look forward to most is being able to show my daughter a waterside sunrise one day.

I do have plenty of Daniel Time, despite my packed schedule and constant lists of chores. But, if I get to choose how to spend my Daniel time, it’ll probably be surrounded by my friends and their kids and, ideally, my kid too.

Parenting and Friends

I don’t think parenthood is something everyone should engage in. In these times, being a parent is not a requirement for our race to thrive. And there are enough distractions in life to make a childless life VERY rewarding. I don’t judge anyone who chooses not to have children and I appreciate all of those who choose to spend time with mine. But I do believe that almost everyone is capable of being a good parent if they can let go of time tables and silly schedules and just trust themselves.

And I think that parenting is always done best surrounded by as many people as possible. Yesterday was amazing: 6 kids, 5 adults, and everyone naturally looking out for everyone else. We all watched out for eachother’s kids and, even with sharp cliffs nearby in the almost pitch black, we could all rest assured that turning our eyes away from our children was an okay thing to do, because there were so many others watching out for them.

I’m older than I’ve ever been

Jul 8th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

Today is my birthday.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I have for the 31st time in my life successfully circumnavigated the sun. Quite an accomplishment, I know. It wouldn’t have been possible without my mom, my dad, gravity, and inertia, all of whom I’d like to thank on this momentous occassion.

Ha.

In reality, there’s nothing more significant about today than there was yesterday or will be tomorrow. We could just as easily celebrate birth months, birth weeks, or births at 500 day intervals. In fact, I once threw myself a 10,000th day alive party, just because.

Really, life should be celebrated every single day and at every possible opportunity, because, despite being abundant here, it is so very precious.

But, there is a tradition in our society to celebrate a person on the day of their birth. And it is that tradition, not the actual event, that makes today special for me. The day is only 10 hours old and already so many friends and family have texted, called, emailed, and sent photographs wishing me a happy birthday. It is so very appreciated. Thank you all for helping to make this day special.

I spent my 30th birthday alone in Syracuse, NY. My wife and 7 month old daughter had left for Canada the day before to visit her parents and I was to follow 3 days later. I’d wanted so badly to spend the time together but it just didn’t happen. And even though, just like today, that particular day was not really any more important than any other day, the tradition placed on it made it feel more important. And the round number of “30″ made it seem more important too. Therefore, it made me feel very sad to not have those I loved dearest close to me then.

But this birthday will not be that way. Despite the fact that Celeste’s grandparents are in town for the next two weeks to visit her, I’m seeing her tonight. I don’t have anything planned, but spending time with my daughter will be more than enough. No matter how amazing my life was before her, with her in it, everything is bigger and better and more important than it ever was before.

So today, on my birthday, I am grateful for Jess and all the family and friends that have played a role in bringing her into this world and shaping her life and making her who she is. I can say, without a doubt, that Celeste has the best chosen family on the face of the planet.

Of course, as always, I welcome and appreciate spending time with people I care about. If you’re without plans this evening (or Thursday, or Friday), or have plans worth cancelling, and would like to join us to go swimming, go for a walk, have a nice dinner, watch a movie at home, have a beer or two, or just stand out on the front porch and talk as the sun sets, I’d love that. You know how to reach me.

Two Twitters, one Daniel

Jul 1st, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

7,223 updates ago, I started a Twitter account: twitter.com/revjim. I had locked updates and all was good and right in the world and I knew all of 3 people using the service.

Things have changed.

As I mentioned in detail on Jonathan’s LJ, people use Twitter in very different ways. I have two very different kinds of followers:

1) People interested in my website, my photography, my personal thoughts, and links of interest to me.

2) People interested in the current mostly mundane details of my local life and making small talk about it.

Now keep in mind, there are people who fit both categories. In fact most people who fit in group 2 probably at lesat partly live in group 1. However, not all of those people would prefer to subscribe to each individual source of information as opposed to using twitter to aggregate it all.

Despite the fact that I believe I should continue to use technology in a way that does me the most good, at the same time, if I can do something without putting myself out too far to make more people more happy with the way I’m using that technology, then it becomes even more useful.

So, I now have two Twitter accounts.

twitter.com/revjim: This will be manual updates about my life and, for the most part, all original content. Full of “Celeste just pooped in the potty”, “I’m getting coffee”, “I am SOOOOO drunk”, “I’m eating a chicken sandwich”, “I have a headache”, “I’m in El Paso!”, “I just bought a iPod Touch”, and “I really hate Apple”. There will be location based updates as well (from Loopt or whatever tool I choose). There will also be @replies to other friends, etc. This will be my primary use account. The status updates will be syndicated to Facebook as they are now. Lots of noise here. Very little signal. Mostly useless information but still a large part of the “fun” of Twitter. Should average about 20 updates a day though 80% of them will be replies to people you may not follow, in which case you won’t even see them. This will be locked/private.

twitter.com/revjimweb: Website updates, photos, and links to longer, more thought out posts all over the web including comments made on other blogs and journals. It will consist of only links and responses to those links. Should average about 5 updates a day, give or take. However, there may be some replies if followers choose to interact with the content in that way. For instance, replying directly in Twitter, using Tweetboard, or authenticating with Disqus through Twitter.

Follow (or UnFollow) as you desire. You won’t hurt my feelings either way.

(and I may get a few in the wrong place as I switch all my tools over, so bear with me.)

this and that

Jun 30th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

(this is just random crap. every paragraph is a new topic. skimming may suit you best, here)

I have Friday off and I have Celeste all day. Weekends are the best when I have her. This coming weekend is now 50% longer than an average weekend. It’s like a sweet little unexpected present.

I have awesome plans to see fireworks in Grapevine on Saturday night with a friend and her daughter. I can’t wait to see Celeste’s face when they go off. I can’t remember what we did last 4th of July, but I’m pretty sure we were on a plane, in an airport, or checking into a hotel room. So this is really her first experience with fireworks. I think she’s going to LOVE them. We’re going to bring some snacks and a couple of camp chairs, and turn the back of my SUV into a little bed. I doubt she’ll sleep with so much excitement but it’ll be a nice clean place to sit and/or roll around anyway.

Yesterday as I was putting Celeste to sleep, she leaned forward and gave me a great big kiss. Then she said “more dada”.

I’m planning a road trip for the end of July/first week of August. Probably 4 to 6 days. I’ve never seen the Texas Gulf Coast, but it’s hot and humid so I’m reluctant. Southern Utah sounds like fun, but the 20 hours of driving alone to get there doesn’t. Anyone want to come along? Either way, I could CouchSurf my way there. That would make it more enjoyable.

I understand that people have bad days every now and then. And I understand that bad days can lead to a snippy conversation or pointing anger and frustration in places where it isn’t deserved. It’s not great, but it happens. I’m guilty of this myself many times over. Being treated this way by other people makes me realize how difficult it must have been to deal with me when I got this way. However, when that misplaced anger turns into accusation, passive aggression, and guilt trips it becomes even worse. And that becomes a pattern, it becomes absolutely tiring.

I’m already pretty shy when it comes to girls and dating. It’s just not something I was ever very good at. Being a recently separated, single dad, who still isn’t technically divorced doesn’t really make it any easier. And between Celeste and work, I really have very little time left. So having romantic feelings toward anyone is a pretty crazy thing to even consider. But, it’s not exactly something I can stop. But even if it goes nowhere, it’s fun to think about… so why not?

Last night I went to change Celeste and whatever the circumstances were somehow she thought it meant I was putting her to bed, though it was quite a bit before her usual bedtime with me. At first I thought maybe she was just tired, so I continued with the bedtime ritual. But she wasn’t. She was, however, content to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. It was amazing (and heart warming) to see her so willing to do what she thought I wanted even if it wasn’t exactly the most fun for her. After a little bit I asked her if she was going “night night” and she said “yes”. Then I asked her if she was sleepy and she said “no”. I asked her if she’d rather play or sleep and she said “play”. So I told her she could get up and we could read some books if she wanted. So she did. We read lots of books, had a nice snack, played with blocks, and then eventually went back to bed.

I have my last Chiropractor and Massage appointment today. My massuse says that my neck is so heaviily knotted that I’m what massage students would consider a good learning tool. Ha. All I know is that whatever she does hurts like hell when she’s doing it but leaves me with a VERY clear head about 30 minutes after she’s done that lasts about 24 hours or so. So I figure, if I could just see her every day, I’d be cured.

I have so many photographs to share. My camera never stops clicking. But, with so many I start to have a really hard time picking out which ones to share and the whole task becomes overwhelming. So, I think I’m just going to start just picking one photo a day at random, spending a few minutes spicing it up, and then publishing it. It’ll cause Arranging Light to border more on “experimental” than it has in the past, but that’s always been the point anyway.

I’m starting to have a hard time figuring out how to teach Celeste what’s okay and what isn’t. Yesterday we were playing outside and she decided to climb on someone elses front porch. I told her “no” and she ran and hid behind a chair there. I told her to come back and she wouldn’t budge. I know she was playing. “Chase” is one of her favorite games to play. I could see her playing face. And I can tell when her playing face turns into a “oh no I did something wrong” face. And eventually it did change. But, she still wasn’t moving. I eventually went up and got her. Maybe she’s just playing me but I don’t think she understood what was wrong, only that something was. I tried to explain to her that she just needs to do whatever I say when I say it, which she seems to understand, but it still didn’t fully click.

My approach of giving Celeste a “time out” of sorts in my lap when she isn’t listening well and talking to her one-on-one does work. Quite well, actually. I actually surprise myself sometimes. The problem is, it’s a teaching tool and not an action tool. Almost proving my point, we were back outside not 10 minutes later and I saw — I’m not kidding — three wasps fall out of the tree she was under and land on the grass next to her in a jumbled mass. Worried their might be more I said “Celeste, come here right now”. But she, once again, decided it was a game. I reached under the tree and snacthed her up which, ordinarily, she might have thought was fun. But coupled with my tone and the urgency in my face, it wasn’t fun any more. I don’t want to stop having fun with her, but at the same time I need to find a way to communicate the difference between “fun” and “serious”.

Celeste’s Birthday

Jun 20th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

Today is the day of Celeste’s 18 month birthday party. I am so excited for so many reasons.

I love kids in general. But I especially love these kids. Each of these families is close to me in one way or another and being able to see them interact and play together is very special. Especially when Celeste can be there too.

I am also excited to have so many of the people that I care so much about and respect so deeply getting together. Many of the friends I have live scattered about DFW. They all have busy lives, hectic schedules, jobs and obligations. Getting them all in one place at one time is not something that happens too often. Some of them are parents with very different philosophies about raising children but all with the same goal in mind: to raise happy, healthy, well behaved kids with the freedom to be themselves and the respect to let others to do the same. Some of them are not parents but have played a close role in Celeste’s life, nuturing her, loving her, spending time with her, and caring for her as though she were their own.

Today a big piece of my village will come together, even if just for a little while, and I’m proud that Celeste’s birth is the cause for that ocassion.

Poll-ite Company

Apr 10th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

1. Where’s your favorite place to be?
Where ever my daughter is.

If that’s given, then where ever my family/friends (chosen family) is.

If that’s given, then somewhere outside.

If even that is given, then I’d pick some place near a river. Or maybe even where a river and a lake meet. In the mountains. Maybe even in California. Yeah. That’s it.

2. Who’s your favorite person?
Celeste.

If that’s given, then any number of my family/friends could count as my favorite at any given time. A lot of people have been so very good to me. People regularly make me laugh or think. People cover me in kindness and happy thoughts. People offer shoulders to cry on, ears to vent to, long warm hugs, and soft kisses. People bend over backwards to help me when I need it, and encourage my independence when I don’t. My friends and family are amazing people. I don’t know if I can pick just one.

If friends and family are given, then I think I’m gonna go with Obama. Despite people starting to get skeptical about him, I still think he’s awesome and he has my full support.

3. If you must shop, what’s your favorite store to shop in?
Just to browse: IKEA. CostCo.
Electronics: Fry’s.
Clothes: Kohl’s. American Eagle.
Mall: Grapevine Mills.
Household Items, Frozen food, etc: CostCo.
Groceries: Sprouts, Market Street, Central Market.

4. If you turned on your car right now, what would likely be playing?
I think The John Butler Trio. Might be Mountain Goats.

5. BTTW/WTTW (Best/Worst thing this week)
BTTW: The aftermath of Wednesday night’s breakdown.
WTTW: Wednesday night’s breakdown.

Top 3 audio…
Skinny Love — Bon Iver
(Bonus Points to anyone (other than Jess, for whom it would be way too easy) who knows what “Bon Iver” comes from
without looking it up on Wikipedia/The Interwebs)

Who’s my Pretty Baby? — Elizabeth Mitchell (not the actress)

Fireflies — Faith Hill (yes… that Faith Hill. This song is beautiful.)

a time and a place

Apr 10th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

I’m getting there. One day at a time. That’s sort of my new mantra. Although sometimes, I have to resort to “one minute at a time”, I can get through.

ON MOVING

My neighbors are the best I’ve ever had anywhere ever. My neighborhood is quite nice and there’s always something going on and people to run into. I’m close enough to stores and shops and things that I enjoy and that fact gets better every day. Although I’m still a ways away from work, Celeste’s daycare is only about 15 minutes out of my way. And, as long as I don’t drive in rush hour, getting her to and from the house is not too bad.

Renting my house out would be a pain in the ass and a financial burden. Having to live in a rented place would also be a slight pain in the ass and, potentially, a financial burden.

I could move, but there’s no clear cut place to go. Keller makes since until my parents leave. And they’ve made it very clear that they are leaving whether I need them or not. Denton makes sense for my lifestyle. Justin (NorthWest of Keller) makes sense for affordable housing and proximity to lots of friends. Carrollton makes sense for being close to daycare and Jess. But each of these options also has a bunch of negatives. Imagine me going to work in Irving, then driving to Carrollton to get Celeste, then driving to Justin. I’d spend so much time driving being close to my friends wouldn’t matter because they’d all be in bed when I got home anyway. And working from home would be nearly impossible.

So… all of that to say I’m staying put. At least until I can sell or easily rent, I have a clear direction on where to live, and I can qualify to BUY the second house, not rent.

Which also means I’m putting in hardwood (or laminate) flooring. It’s not going to happen this weekend. So those of ou who have offered help (for which I am so grateful), I’ll let you know when. Soon though. I’m still trying to source the right flooring for me.

CLEANING IT OUT

My house is in shambles. Like, upside down, crazy messes in every corner. And I want to overhaul it all anyway. I do have a plan of attack. For the big stuff:

  1. Clean the Garage
  2. Prepare shelving in the Garage (my only real place to store anything in this house) to hold any bulk products
  3. Clean Master Bedroom Closet
  4. Clean kitchen cabinets and pantry
  5. Organize and add shelving to Laundry Room
  6. Figure out what to do with the game room (office? living? photo studio? your thoughts?)
  7. Prepare Guest Room (possible office?)
  8. Done!

For the rest of the house, I’m just going one room at a time nice and slow moving the mess away. If it’s stuff that needs to be stored, for now I’m just throwing it in the garage or closet until I get to them. There’s no point in trying to organize something half-assed when I need to overhaul it anyway.

HELP?

Having Celeste running around can make some things almost impossible. Cleaning the garage, for instance, is difficult. It’s too messy and dangerous for her to play in right now. And most of the stuff is too big for me to life while holding her. So, I can only clean it when she’s sleeping. Which means it could take a while.

I’m not really keen on asking people to clean my house for me. But, if you like hanging out and like children and wouldn’t mind providing an extra set of hands to chase Celeste around, I could surely use them. In fact, I rarely turn down the offer for company. Even with little to no notice. So, please, give me a call. I cook well and am always very gracious.

THE IMPORTANT THINGS

I’m slowly learning to re-prioritize myself. When Jess was around it was easy to know that if I wasn’t caring for Celeste then she was. So there was never any question when it came to stuff like “should I pull the weeds when I get home today or not?”. (That doesn’t mean I did it, mind you, but there was a clear indicator on whether or not I should).

These days that’s much different.

I’m learning that I’d rather have my HOA screaming at me for having the worst yard in the neighborhood and a happy, laughing, baby than to have the most beautiful lawn in the world and a kid who plays all by herself all the time, is require to play in a playpen every day instead of the real world, or who cries for her daddy and doesn’t receive his comfort.

This may seem like a simple lesson to you, but my sense of obligation and responsibility is strong. So I find myself very guilt ridden when making choices like this. But I’m figuring it out. Like I said… one day at a time.

CELESTE

My daughter is amazing. Beyond amazing. Not a day goes by that I don’t find myself in awe at how unconditionally I love her and how much she warms my heart and enriches my life. No matter what happens between Jess and I or what kind of relationship we manage to maintain, I will always be grateful to her for bringing this beautiful girl into the world.

day one?

Apr 8th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

(I can’t keep track of what’s supposed to be a secret anymore and what isn’t. Or maybe I just don’t care enough anymore to keep track. All I know is I hate writing in LiveJournal these days, so, this is public.)

I’ve been up since 5am, cleaning, paying bills, and doing chores. I’ve got about 15 minutes free before I have to rush to take a shower, get dressed, get Celeste up, feed her, rush her to daycare and get to work. And I’ve decided to spend them with you. Awww, ain’t that sweet.

Jess moved out this past weekend. Her place is very nice. I was worried about what kind of apartment one could find for what Jess can afford but, it’s actually quite nice and I feel very confident that Jess and Celeste will be safe there.

I got another surprise (to me, not to Jess) visit from my Father-In-Law. He helped make sure Jess was on her feet and I certainly can’t fault him for that, I’d do the same. I’m still not sure why it had to be a secret. Jess decided to go to work on Monday and he was still here and, of course, wanting to see his granddaughter. So I ended up taking Monday off of work to hang out with him and take care of Celeste. It actually wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It wasn’t great either.

I tried to keep as many people around as possible while he was here and while the move was happening but, alas, at midnight or so Saturday night he cornered me alone. I don’t mind talking to him. It’s easier than talking to Jess, actually, because he speaks his mind and he tries to understand. The only bad side is that he is arguing FOR Jess with the bias that a father SHOULD have toward his daughter. Which doesn’t really make him a very good mediator. So, thanks to that conversation my situation is now a little more difficult than it was before he came. But, it’ll all work itself in the end. Maybe even for the better. Only time will tell.

Jess leaving is bittersweet. As I said (in divorce, death, and the afterlife) getting a fresh start is something I’m looking forward to. But there is some sadness there too.

Most importantly, I’m sad about the end of our ability and means to parent Celeste together. Even with Jess and I maintaining very different schedules and me spending a lot of time alone with Celeste, there were still plenty of moments, however brief, that we parented her together. Watching her run back and forth between us with a smile on her face is something I’ll forever miss.

Being able to get even the smallest of things done around the house because there were another set of hands around to care for the baby means more than can easily be explained, too. Even though it only happened once in a while, it was enough to get by and keep things sane.

There’s also a ton of mess left behind. Bedding upstairs that she slept on for one night. Her dad’s bed in the playroom. Boxes and bags full of stuff she hasn’t picked up yet laying all over the master bedroom. A garage full of stuff that needs to be sorted out. A dresser full of clothes. The good side is that, it seems, 80% of the stuff in our master bedroom closet was hers. So, reorganizing that might even be a task I can do with Celeste’s help now.

Finally, I’m worried that we may never be able to tie up the few loose ends we have with our situation. With her in this house, every now and then we got a chance to take and take little baby steps closer to the end. With her being gone, I’m not sure we’ll ever get there. Only there has to be an end. So, I’m not sure what that will take, but I’m sure I won’t like it.

Okay, that’s way more than 15 minutes. Now I’m going to be late. Send love. And, hey, let’s hang out some time.

NOTICE: Oh and if you know of any single moms or dads who would be interested in having a very caring and super awesome roommate (ok… maybe I’m a bit biased there) who would give them an awesome deal on rent and/or pay them for live in nanny services, please have them email or call me. I’m very serious.

divorce, death, and the afterlife

Mar 25th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

(I thought for quite some time about whether I should keep this post under my usual lock and key, filtered to only the select few. In the end, I decided it was okay to be public. The only possibly negative thing it says about Jess is that she gave up and I was willing to keep on fighting. And I don’t think that’s a secret to anyone.)

I’ve never really been a follower of Astrology — Zodiac, Chinese or otherwise, but, I can’t help but recognize the similarities between its description of me and myself.

Emotional and loving. Intuitive and imaginative. Shrewd and cautious. Protective and sympathetic. Changeable and moody. Overemotional and touchy. Clinging and unable to let go.

Divorce is something I am very not okay with. Not in general. Not for my friends. Not for my family. And certainly not for myself. Marriage is a creature unto itself. It requires nurturing, space, love, freedom, dedication, tolerance and work. And in return it provides support, security, freedom, and relief. A very fair trade in my opinion.

Divorce is not something I would have ever chosen for Jess and I. The past 3 years — at least, maybe more — have been very difficult years. Yet, for me, giving up was simply not an option. I put so much time and effort in each and every day to support my family (both chosen and blood), my wife, and my marriage. I spent every day trying to fix what was broken and enjoy what was not. I worked on new methods of communication, new balances of power, and new ways or creating space and providing freedom. When I started seeing a counselor to help reduce my frustrations, we, instead, worked on my marriage because she understood how important it was to me and how those difficulties were the primary source of my frustration. I can’t say I did everything right. I can’t say I even got close. But I know that I sacrificed more of myself than I probably should have and tried as hard as I could.

I was shocked when I learned that Jess wanted to leave me. Not because I’m the kind of guy that women don’t leave. I’m not silly enough to believe that type of person even exists. I was shocked because I had always believed that Jess shared the same dedication to our marriage that I did — and giving up simply wasn’t an option. And that, if it was an option for her, at the very least, I would have got some warning that she was considering it before she actually made a decision.

I realize now that the fact that she didn’t share that dedication might have been the reason my efforts to fix us never proved to be fruitful. Not that the problems we had were her fault and her fault alone. I’m not saying that at all. It’s just that a marriage or partnership of any kind is very much about team-work.

While we’re not all the way through this yet, I think I can see the end. It’s like we’ve been swimming upstream in a raging river, climbing rocks, dodging obstacles, and fighting the current. And finally, up ahead I can see a soft, sunny pebble beach.

Giving up has never been an option for me. But if I didn’t admit that the idea of having this come to an end was a very peaceful, comforting thought for me I’d be lying. Even under severe torture, at least in theory, suicide isn’t an option for me. Even asking for death is asking for too much. My will to survive is too strong. But if I found myself suddenly wounded, bleeding, and knowing that death was rapidly approaching, the peace and quiet and calm that would soon follow would certainly not be unwelcome. I might even die with a smile on my face despite it all.

So, in my true style, I’ve written all of this to simply say: I’m looking forward to the rest of my life. For the first time in so many years I can see a path that doesn’t end in more pain and even greater difficulty. And that brings me more comfort and peace than I can express.

In the end, I have a beautiful daughter. I have amazing friends who love and support me fully and are not afraid to call me out when they see I’ve done wrong — not because of their agendas, but because of their concern for me and our mutual goals of happiness. And I have a family (both chosen and blood) that cares for me with all of their hearts.

and this is progress

Dec 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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I’ve been busy lately, which is exactly what I wanted.

My personal improvement project is going quite well, though only4 days old at this point. I’ve had no offers of reward, encouragement, or companionship but I have I have inspired a few people to take a similar approach in their own lives, which is awesome. Running 3 mornings a week has proven to be the most difficult. It’s cold, and I’m tired, and it’s just so easy to say “no” and roll over in bed. But, I haven’t yet.

pushing away

pushing away

Thanks to a couple of friends, I managed to do something I’ve always wanted to do last night: photograph an abandoned building at night. It was something that I just couldn’t bring myself to do alone. Fear of getting hurt with no one to assist, mostly — either by something old laying on the property, an animal living in the house, or the hobo who might be sleeping in the barn.

I’ve been making a better effort to start documenting my daughter’s life as well. There will be more on this later, but possibly not here. I’m not sure I’m willing to link this to that. We’ll see. If you know me personally, and would like info, hit me up some other way and I’ll make sure you’re included.

I’ve been making some very good headway when it comes to sorting out the relationships in my life. My therapist agrees, which is just reassurance that I am making reasonable decisions. In many cases, I’m finding that the relationships I’m realizing I’ve lost aren’t really anyone’s “fault”. It’s just that they have become less available to me than I am. But I wasn’t keeping that in balance which led to hurt and confusion and panic. Balance is really key. I am now learning how to allow that balance to mostly maintain itself, and how to recognize when it isn’t.

All this sorting out has also opened my eyes up to some valuable friendships that I was being unavailable to that are certainly worth putting some energy into. It’s also given me the opportunity and motive to seek out some new friendships, which I haven’t really done in a long time. I’ve met a few interesting people. One person in particular, very similar to me in thought process and desires, I’ve made a very nice connection with. I’m having coffee with her this Friday, which should be fun.

I’ve got a couple more photo projects I really want to get rolling. I’m still looking for volunteers if you’re interested. Don’t worry, I won’t make you take off ALL of your clothes. :)

As the holidays approach life is getting more and more hectic on it’s own, which is also good, in a way. While I enjoy peace and quiet, I really thrive in hectic conditions.

Tonight Jess and I are putting up our holiday tree. This weekend we’ll be seeing my parents, as usual, and enjoying some time with some good friends. I’m also planning on photographing my friend’s kid for the holidays. Maybe even get some of our kids together. They are both so cute. Is it too early to arrange a marriage?

I had really wanted to attend the Dallas Santa Rampage this year, but it took more giving and planning than I wanted to invest and, when I really considered everything, the time is better spent elsewhere. But I’m certain it will be a blast and I believe there are still tickets left. So, if you’re not doing anything Saturday, you should certainly consider it.

Speaking of the holidays, I remember now that I’d wanted to write a bit about my thoughts on Christmas, Advent, the birth of Jesus and the true message of his life. Someone remind me to do that, will you?

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