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bigger than I am

Nov 27th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

Brian Webb – Bigger Than I Am

Roughly 10 years ago, I caught a disease. A disease of the mind. Something that wiggled it’s ways into the folds of my thought and slowly and persistently injected increasingly invalid thoughts into my brain. Thoughts that cause me to believe that I should be abused. That I should be the guy that always did things for people. That I should be the person who always went out of his way to maintain friendships that were one-sided, failing, distant, or unavailable. That I should be the guy to bear the guilt when relationships didn’t work out or when people didn’t get what they wanted from me in the way that they wanted it.

And slowly but surely it’s led me to have the self-destructive, guilt-ridden thought processes that I have today.

No more.

While there are certainly some abusive, using relationships that I’ve maintained, that is not the bulk of the problem. Thankfully, I hadn’t gotten that bad yet. The majority of my problem centers around my continued support and attempts at development of relationships that are either one-sided, or unavailable.

It’s important to note that I don’t blame these “friends”. They aren’t bad people. In some cases, yes, they were willing to take what I was giving even though they knew they were offering nothing in return. But, it doesn’t make them bad people. In most cases, it’s simply a matter of their time and energy resources being stretched too thin to support me being as close a friend as I had being trying to be. My mind, being broken, refused to let these friendships drift away as they should have. Instead, I pulled harder and made myself even more available. An invitation of any kind from them was seen as a spark and all efforts would be made to accept that invitation. If I accepted it, it often led to the guilt of having to put other things on the back burner. And in the event that I couldn’t accept, I was faced with the guilt of saying “no”.

So it’s time for a change.

this one last mistake

this one last mistake

At this point, this change is very active and prominent in my mind. Unfortunately, having active thoughts about relationships that should be left to drift away is a bit counter productive. The easiest way to fight this is to focus my mind on other things. Here’s how:

  • I’m starting myself on a new schedule that involves less down time and yet more time to reflect on good things. I’ve left lots of room for seeing people I care about, so don’t think you need to avoid me or leave me alone or let me straighten myself out. Quite the contrary, in fact. I’d love to see you, especially in a smaller group or one-on-one.
  • I’m starting or renewing a few projects — some photography, some programming, some physical. I’ll have more details on this in the future. If you’re interested in being in a new photo project and actually have some time available for this in the next 2 – 4 months, please let me know. If you don’t have the time, please don’t waste mine.
  • I’m going to focus on seeing MORE of my friends LESS often. In other words, I intend to spend more quality time with varied people in smaller groups or one-on-one. In the past I’ve sought larger groups as often as possible thinking that such events would allow me to foster MORE friendships. Those friends that weren’t willing to be involved with the larger group or then events planned were seen less often and, because of the group size, intimate, quality time was not spent with those in the group. I hope to get more out of the friendships that I have and require less of each of those relationships by spreading myself more evenly. Additionally, I hope that the true, real, available friendships will be seen more clearly this way.

Don’t think that I’m going away — it’s not like that at all. You may see less of me than you’re used to. If you want more of me in your life, all you have to do is say something. In fact, in many ways for a lot of you, I’ve been pretty distant for the past month or so anyway, so you may not even notice a change.

I feel good about this and I can really use your support. I don’t want you to fix me. I just want you to be there.

yesterday, today, and tomorrow

Sep 29th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

I enjoy having a packed schedule. It makes the down time more enjoyable and keeps me from wallowing in too much madness. Unfortunately, a packed schedule often comes with the stress of those things that are packing the schedule as well as the guilt that comes with the fact that many of those things pull me away from my wife and daughter.

Last Friday was nice. I wouldn’t have minded a few people coming over to goof off. But, as it was, it was just Jess and the baby and I, and that was just right. We watching the debate, discussed the heights of the candidates in comparison to those in the Koreas, and bragged about our own bracelets.

Saturday was supposed to be filled with family and parties and friends. As it turned out, Jess had an infection in her hand that was working up her arm. It was too serious to ignore so we called a emergency clinic who told us to go to the ER. 6 hours later, they did nothing for her but write a prescription. Later that night we got to spend some time with a dear friend of mine who is moving to Florida. She will be sorely missed. It was nice to spend some time letting loose.

Sunday my Dad and my brother and I met Johnny and Justin out in the sticks of DFW to work on the scaffolding for the Arc for our camp at Myschievia this year. (If you’re not going to Myschievia… WHY NOT?!) I can’t say it was “fun”, but I left with some work being done, a trailer full of parts, a very good plan, some sore muscles, and a tight sunburn. We headed back to my dad’s for dinner. Then goofed off a bit before meeting Johnny and Skwid for coffee and then heading home.

Tonight we’re working on the top part of the Arc. We’re all gathering at Justin’s place.

Tomorrow is a prep day: house work, cleaning, and such.

Then, Wednesday, I pick up my mom from the airport. She’s staying for a week. Weee!

flirtation’s end

Sep 13th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

I’ve lost my way. I’m lacking inner peace and my sense of self-worth is being destroyed. I’m fighting my way back, but it’s going to be a long battle.

(There’s a long story behind most of this, as there always is with me. Most of it doesn’t really speak to the point I’m trying to make, so I’m going to skip over it.)

For quite some time now, my need for external validation has gone from nearly none at all to a point where I almost can’t function without it. I believe that external validation is a good thing in many cases. Without it, we’d all be that horrible singer everyone laughs at on American Idol. But, as with anything, there’s a line.

Lately, this need has coupled itself with my natural tendency toward flirtation and sensuality. Again, this is not a bad thing on it’s own. However, with the intensity that fuels this need, when it isn’t received it tends to have a terrible effect on me. It leads to depression, decreased self esteem and a big long list of other really bad things.

The point I’m trying to make is that I need to cool it. I need to release the bond I’ve made internally between flirtation and validation. And, until I can get control of it, the easiest way to ensure this is to turn it off.

If you are someone I’ve hurt or offended because because of my recent behavior, I’m truly sorry. I may not even realize I’ve hurt you. Please let me know if I have.

If you’re one of the few people that actually enjoys my flirtatious nature, please don’t take offense if you find it lacking. If you want it back all you only need to poke me a few times and be willing to flirt back.

Slowly, but surely, I’ll make it. And I’m surrounded by some incredible friends who are helping to make that possible.

this past week

Sep 4th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

When did all you people start actively using LiveJournal/Blogs again? It’s going to take me forever to catch up since I haven’t checked in over a week. It’s nice to have some insight into all of your lives again, though, so I’m not complaining. Just need to remember to check more often. Here’s my take on recent events.

Last Monday sucked. Really bad. I’ve been stuck in a bout of self-pity brought on by feelings of being excluded and trapped there because of the proximity of those lives to mine. I’ve still got a way to go, but I’m fixing it. I’ve had a few decent people offer some awesome advice and that’s making a difference.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and part of Friday were just aftershocks from Monday. Not good. On Friday I decided to stop caring about the people that were hurting me and start living for myself and enjoying the things that I had. This was the best decision I’ve made in months — maybe even years. Despite a few small relapses when I happen to look too closely, I’ve been doing well with this so far.

Friday night was fun. A few drinks. A few friends. A little flirting. We all stayed up way too late.

Saturday was quite awesome. Not only did the Rushes throw an awesome party, but it was filled with lots of my favorite people as well as many of the new people I’m growing to like so much. I got to see many of the people I care about partake in very happy moments with one another, and that just makes me feel good. Despite the fact that Mr “Excuse Me” was he usual rude self, his wife is now nothing but nice to me when he’s not around and that feels good. The baby even managed to sleep at the party (despite the increasingly tone deaf karaoke in the next room) which meant that Jess and I both got to stay for the whole thing. Hooray.

Sunday was fairly low key. Spent some time at my parents, then met up with Johnny for coffee. Came home with the intent on drinking some more and realized we were all simply too tired to go on.

Monday started out VERY early and sad. I really wasn’t ready for Mel to leave. I’ve known her for 5 years but didn’t really get to know her until this past week. Once I did, I simply didn’t want her to go. After seeing her to the airport I met up with my dad for sunrise photos. I did some shopping, came home and made a pasta salad, and headed to Skwids for BBQ, Rock Band and friends.

Tuesday and Wednesday have been typical work days. Nothing too exciting there.

Today (Thursday) and tomorrow I have a few big projects at work that have to be wrapped up. On top of that I have to pick up a load of firewood (still not sure how), and make sure everything is ready to go for camping this weekend which I’m very excited about. 15 or so good friends, two nights, lots of fun, and Jess’ birthday on top of it all.

weekend recap

Aug 18th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

Jess helped me move my office around Friday night trying to find a setup that’s more fitting and less wasteful. I think I may have found something that works. I’m quite happy about this as it had been a source of frustration for quite a while. The room was unusable as it was and always left in an unfinished state. The clutter alone was enough to make me cloudy headed. Now I actually have room for another person or two to work as well as seating for two or three and a place to sleep if needed. Who wants to be my first office guest?

Later that evening we watched “The Cabin” “The Ruins” (thanks Bonnie) at Justin’s place. Even if it’s the last movie you have on the shelf I don’t recommend watching it. The baby actually slept while there, after much coaxing, which was quite a nice surprise. She just needs a clean, soft surface, pillows for a barricade, and a room with limited distractions (no blinking lights, squeaking doors, or fluctuating noise levels. She can tolerate anything as long as it’s constant. Oddly enough, this is a fairly hard environment to find in many of our friend’s houses so we often have a hard time with this.

I spent early Saturday morning at the McKinney Farmer’s Market where I bought some yummy peaches that were huge and some equally gigantic tomatoes. The people there were really nice and didn’t mind my camera at all. Next weekend I may try to catch the Dallas Farmer’s Market at opening. Anyone want to join me?

Later that day Jess and I took the baby to Third Monday Trade Days just to look around. Then I came home and cleaned up my newly arranged office. That evening a couple of friends came over and we basically played Rock Band until 2:30am when I finally couldn’t keep my eyes open and opted to go to bed.

I work up at 6am Sunday morning because I forgot to turn my alarm off. Once I was up, I couldn’t get back to sleep so, after laying around for a bit, I decided I may as well get up and get something done. I cleaned my office some more, then washed Jess’ car which seemed to have not been cleaned in several years. I then straightened out my ToDo lists and did a few things in the yard.

I got a call from my brother asking if we wanted to get together, which sounded like a good idea to me. I also found out that my other brother and his wife are getting a divorce and that my two nieces will be living with my parents for the time being. While I’m glad to have my nieces around again and grateful that if they were in a hostile environment they are now getting out of it, I’m quite shaken up to think that the two of them will have a torn childhood like my brother and I did.

A bit later our friends woke up, we played a few games of Mario Kart and then they decided to go home. Jess and I got a few things done around the house and then went to see my parents, my brother, and my nephew at my Dad’s place. We had a nice lunch, then played a few hands of poker (I lost $15). We stopped at the store on our way home to pick up a few things and then watched a little TV before bed.

Now it’s Monday morning. Instead of typing this up from my office before leaving for work as I usually would, I left bright and early and stopped at a starbucks near my office to work in an effort to beat traffic a bit. I think it worked as I got here in less than an hour.

Today is Jess’ do-nothing day so I’m trying to give her as much space as possible so she can do whatever it is that she wants to do without any interruption, confusion, or stress caused by me. I have no lunch or evening plans today so, if you’ve got something (or even nothing) going on, let me know and we can do it together.

Tomorrow I have lunch plans with a few friends which should be awesome. Then my brother and I are going to the casino that night. He swears they have a craps table at this place. I think he’s full of crap (ha, get it!) but we’ll see.

I’m not taking nearly enough photos lately. Got any ideas? Want to be photographed? Let me know.

intensity

Aug 6th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

I can be intense. Too intense for some people, I think. I’m trying to work on this and figure out how to control it more.

Twice this week people I don’t communicate with very often have commented on how fast I respond to emails. A friend mentioned that she had forgotten while I was out of town how quickly one email turns into ten when I’m around. It’s true. I write fast. I think fast. I know what I want before it’s asked for. Everything I do is on overload and it’s this way constantly until i turn it off. Then it buzzes around in the back of my head as I block it out with TV, food, sleep, or the constant refreshing of internet pages that don’t update fast enough.

Sometimes, a big enough distraction (sensuality, art, passion, etc) comes along and focuses my attention for a time. This is when I really start to feel how intense I can be. My mind is still working at the same speed, but instead of jumping around from thing to thing inside and waiting for other people to catch up, it’s almost entirely focused. It feels good — REALLY GOOD — but it certainly takes some getting used to.

With the right intoxicants and in the right situations, my mind can slow down enough to allow me to enjoy several things at once and take in an entire situation in the same way that I see most people doing most of the time. It’s not that I don’t enjoy what I’m doing or the conversations I’m having when in my normal state, because I do. It’s just that my mind works through things quickly by default and it requires a lot of energy to slow it down. Like a good meal, I can still enjoy life when taken in small, fast bites, but it doesn’t taste the same as it does when I chew slowly and savor each bite.

So, I need to work on focusing more of my attention and intensity inwards. This will help me to decrease my expectations from others and will lead me to be less disappointed on a regular basis. It’ll also help me get a more constant feel for how intense I can be.

At the same time, I need to cherish those people who enjoy my intensity and allow myself to be wrapped tightly with them until they’ve had enough. I need to learn to encourage people to let me know when want the intensity and also to tell me when enough is enough before it becomes too much.

I also need to explore more methods for slowing myself down and focusing myself. I need to seek out more distractions: projects to channel energy into, people to share myself with, art to get lost in, sensuality to center myself with. I need to find people I trust to get into situations I am comfortable with to allow myself more opportunities to enjoy life under the slight influence of intoxicants. And finally, I need to find methods of slowing myself down and focusing internally so that I am able to control myself when I do not have friends to help, distractions to focus me, or chemicals to free me.

It’s a long road. This is the first step. If you can help, I’ll happily accept it.

a day of moments and thoughts

Aug 5th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

I know that most of you didn’t like the auto-twitter posting that appeared on my site. In truth, I don’t really care for it on other sites either, unless I don’t follow that person in Twitter and so long as they have more than just nothing but Twitter posts for months on end.

At the same time, while a lot of what is written there is an ongoing conversation with people you may or may not care about, a lot of important stuff is said too, since the platform is so readily available throughout the day. So I’m going to try something new. Once a day, week, month, year, whatever works out in the end, I’m going to collect the important bits and use them as jumping off points for more thought and clarification.

Please, let me know what you think of this. As I’ve said many times before, while I write these words for me, if you’re not reading them they are pointless. Let me know if you like these all in one big post like this, or if I should spread them out into tinier posts throughout the day, or if I should just not do it at all.

# – We have been Wiifitted. Wee! Or rather, Wii!

It started out as a silly idea. I thought the WiiFit was an absurd idea for a “game” and at the same time, an absurd way to “work out”. In my mind, it didn’t fit either role very well. In practice, I was 100% right. However, it does have it’s own sense of charm. It takes all of the instruction, timing, counting and tracking out of exercise. While it doesn’t make certain you are doing the exercises correctly, it at least tries to make sure you stay balanced while you do them. That plus everything else, and it’s about 50% as good as a personal trainer that comes to your house whenever you want her to. And cheaper too.

I particularly like the strength exercises, the yoga practice, and the step aerobics. But, like others, # I find myself wishing the step aerobics were more varied. There are only two “courses” after which comes “free step” which is quite boring. A couple of people think that there will eventually be a Wii Step Aerobics game that will capitalize on this wish of mine. They’re probably right. So release the damn thing already.

# – I’m VERY sick to my stomach. Too much coffee, not enough food. Email me distractions for the next few hours until I can get lunch. Please!

As I get older I’m starting to realize that food can affect me quite a bit more than it used to. Too much of one thing or not enough of another and it can really throw me off. However, I haven’t quite figured out what’s good and what’s bad, what can be tolerated and what should be avoided at all costs.

Yesterday I had 6 “cups” (per the lines on my coffee pot) of coffee in the morning. By 10am I was spinning like crazy and very sick to my stomach. At almost 1pm I got something heavy to eat. Within an hour I felt 75% better. It wasn’t until a had a little down time and another meal that I felt 100%. But, by the end of the day, I felt okay enough to get on the Wii Fit again.

A special thanks to those who sent distractions. I find that, for many of my ailments, keeping me from thinking about them is the easiest way to get around them.

# – Time to build up my harem. Apps are being accepted! Especially if you like stairwells. Maybe this is a good time to use Craigslist. :)

This is a case of “ha ha only serious“. It’s clearly a joke. I don’t have a harem and therefore, don’t have a harem to build up. At the same time, the group of friends and special people that I share physical closeness with is dwindling for various reasons. I certainly don’t require a large group by any means, but, those that remain are largely unavailable. Physical closeness is one of those things that I crave and yet, at the same time, can be absolutely petrified of. It’s a need I don’t fully understand and yet feel very strongly about. It’s comforting. It’s safe. It’s sexy. It’s silly. It’s warm. It’s freeing. And, sometimes, it’s dangerous. All good things.

So, while I don’t actually have a harem, if physical closeness is something your situation allows and something you desire, then, please, really, “applications are being accepted! Especially if you like stairwells.”

Should I use CraigsList for such a purpose. Probably not. I’m better at being close with friends than I am with strangers. But, at the same time, it seems to be well suited to finding such new friends.

# – wanted list: friends: skype, stumble; wishes; harem members; photo: subjects, partners; dreams; dinner friends; progress; peace.

This doesn’t require too much explanation, really. It’s a list of things that I currently desire. Not matieral things. Emotional things. Mental things.

Skype Friends. Check out Skype. It’s the best cross-platform Video/Audio Chatting application I can find. You don’t have to have a camera or a headset to enjoy it either. Sure, it’s more fun if you do, but not required.

Stumble Friends. Check out StumbleUpon. It’s a way of browsing new, interesting websites, as well as sharing new websites that you like with your friends. It’s very easy to use and quite addictive. I’m looking for people to share their interests with me, for people interested in sharing my interests, and hopeful that people will Favorite my photographs so that others will be introduced to them through the world of Stumble.

Harem Members. See above.

Photo Subjects. It’s been ages since I’ve done a portrait session. My studio has been torn down, which makes this harder. But that doesn’t reduce my desire to create and to use the human body as a subject and muse. If you’re interested in being photographed, I’d love to hear from you. I’m specifically looking for people who have free time on weekends to go out to interesting places and be photographed in nature. Additionally, I’m looking for someone who would like to be photographed in the rain. I’d like to set up all the details and logistics so that the next time it’s raining, all it’ll take is a quick phone call and we’ll both be ready to go.

Photo Partners. This is similar to the above, except instead of being in front of my camera, you have your own to stand behind, or, at least, enjoy walking around in various places and stopping for lots of photos. It can get fairly boring to be out alone all the time. I’m looking for someone to share these times with. Someone to lean on for encouragement, to share the waiting with, and to get excited with.

Dinner Friends. See my post from yesterday — you’re invited to dinner — for more information.

Wishes. Dreams. Progress. Peace. These are all self-explanitory.

you’re invited to dinner!

Aug 4th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

I’m tired of eating out. I’m nearly forced to do so when I travel for work. But at home, I do have options, yet I eat out a lot more than I should. Most of the time, when I eat out, it’s because I’m in a hurry, or because I’m meeting people for dinner.

So, my goal is to stop eating out. I can’t say never, of course. So instead, I’ll say no more than once a week which I will, hopefully, upgrade to no more than once every two weeks once I get going.

Instead of eating out, I’ll be eating at home: my home, your home, a strangers home, a mutual friends home. It doesn’t really matter where, as long as it’s at someone’s home.

You have an open invitation for dinner at my house every single night. Depending on the day, dinner will be served sometime between 6pm and 9pm. You need not bring anything. All food and drink will be provided. The only stipulation is that you must make reservations at least 24 hours in advance so that I can be sure I have enough food and so that I can tell you that we already have other plans.

What other plans could I possibly have, you might ask, since I’m not eating out any more. Good question. If I’m not eating at my home, then I may have been invited to eat in the home of someone else. Oh yes! I’m that rude guy who’s actually asking you to invite me over for dinner. The same basic set of guidelines as above should apply. You’ll need to have food on the table and ready for consumption at some point between 6pm and 9pm. Otherwise, making it to work the next day is impossible. Additionally, if you’re going to ask, you should do so at least 24 hours in advance. Otherwise, I may already have plans.

In case you needed more motivation other than free food and/or my presense at your meals, here are some reasons why eating out makes no sense for me (and maybe not for you either):

  1. Time is precious. Wasting 15-60 minutes getting to a restaurant, 5-45 minutes waiting to be seated, and then another 15-60 minutes to get back home isn’t doing me much good.
  2. And if I’m in a hurry to eat, in most cases, I could have preplanned a snack or quickly picked up a snack from a store. This is healthier, cheaper, and, in many cases, faster. And, if I pick up the right food, I can eat it on the way to whatever I’m rushing to do.
  3. Meeting people at a restaurant rarely leads to good conversation. Popular places are often crowded, seating can be tight, and long tables are only conducive to conversations at at each end. Further more, despite the fact that restaurants want you to drive to them, and then wait for them to be ready to seat you, once you’re done eating, unless you’re buying round after round of expensive drink, they’d usually prefer you to leave, and often do things to indicate this, like not keeping drinks full, or taking the snacky food off the table.
  4. Restaurants serve too much food. Having my portion decided for me is usually a bad idea. I’m reluctant to let any food go to waste so I feel obliged to eat everything in front of me.
  5. It’s usually not healthy food. Restaurants that serve healthy food are generally farther away, harder to get to, more crowded, and much more expensive.
  6. Finally, it’s expensive. Sure, some meals at some places are cheaper than you could make them at home for. But this is often because they are using sub-par ingredients and you are cooking for too small of a group to make it worth while.

So, if you’d like to come over for dinner, let me know. And, if you’d like to make a similar open invitation (in private, or in public like this one) please do so.

Bon Appetit!

heading out

Jul 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

along the wayGood Morning from Anchorage.

Since the sun’s already up, I don’t have to worry about my desire to get any where before sunrise. It nice and overcast which means great things for photography opportunities today. I’m pretty sure I’m taking the route through Watertown this morning, though I’ve got no one to answer to so I might change my mind. A quick poke at various weather forecasts shows that it might actually be overcast and stormy in the places I could travel tomorrow. So, if it’s not too late, maybe I’ll take the ferry at Tobemory after all, instead of going through Barrie. Then I can see the Island and Bruce Peninsula all in one day.

If you really want to know where I’m at you should check out my Bright Kite stream. I’ll keep it updated as often as I can. I turned off the sync between it and Twitter because it was annoying some people. Ha.

Went the casino last night. I really, really, really love playing Craps. I love that it’s complicated for no good reason. I love all of the superstition around it. I love that (most) everyone at the table is rooting for the same thing. I love that, even at the cheapest table in the house, if you’re playing well, you still end up with $50 on the table at any given time to lose. I love that there is so much math involved if you want there to be, but, if you’d rather not think about it, you can still play along. I lost $100 last night. Not too bad considering I’d told myself I could lose $200 and then just decided I was tired after 3 hours. I’ve never been able to come out ahead in Craps. I don’t really have a gambler in me (though Craps is the exception). But, if I did he’d say that if I went in the game with more cash I’d stand a better chance of coming out ahead. Something more like $500 or $600.

Some time in the next two days I’ll become mostly unreachable via Mobile Phone or email and will remain that way for about 2 weeks. So, if you need anything, leave a message and wait a few days for me to get back to you. Since I use Google Reader to keep up with websites and even LiveJournal, there’s little chance I’ll miss anything I really care about. However, just to be safe, you right something important or really interesting, do me a favor and drop me an email with a link so I’ll be sure not to miss it.

It will be hard to find any solitude during these travels. I’ll be surrounded by my In-Laws and all of their family for the next two weeks while staying at a summer camp. I won’t be able to find a corner alone unless I’m willing to actually leave on my own. Of course I have no problem with this usually, but this makes me appear to be rude if I do it too often and actually makes me real, honest-to-goodness bear bait, if I sit too alone or too quietly, much to the amusement of my In-Laws. My attempts to talk Jess into going with me don’t usually work, either. Maybe I should just buy some bells for my shoes.

Regardless of all that, I’m still hoping to get some soul seeking done some how. I’ve been having a really hard time lately. Several of you have picked up on this and talked to me about it which I really appreciate. I have some amazing, selfless friends.

That’s enough for now. Think of me, and send lots of love for me to pick up when I reconnect now and then.

releasing concern

Jul 10th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

a single thoughtThere’s a small, growing, unnamed peace that can be found in releasing concern. I was tempted to use say “that can be found in not caring”, but there is a difference. That subtle difference is what leads allows this to lead to peace instead of frustration. The Buddhists definitely have something there.

Last night I wanted to go for a walk in one of my favorite parks and make photographs under the storm clouds. Unfortunately the storm clouds began to rain and I was reluctant to even leave my hotel. With a few deep breaths I just let it go. I packed what I needed into my bag and headed out. I walked in the rain with my bag slung over my shoulder. My camera was in a cumbersome bag meant to protect it from water. Despite being difficult to use, I made a choice to not concern myself with the difficulty. I had to keep clearing the lens port of rain drops, my face was dripping into my eyes, my bag was soaked, my shirt was sticking to my chest, and I just didn’t care. I laughed. I damn near fell in the lake more than once. I said “hello” to the few people out walking in the rain. I loved every second of it.

There’s a big part of me that worries about everything and everyone. I spend so much time worrying that I forget to enjoy myself. I’m proud of myself that I am thoughtful, that I plan things through, that I consider others, that I worry about people. That makes me who I am and I wouldn’t change that. But, I need to learn to loosen up a bit too or all the planning and worrying will never lead to anything I can enjoy.

So that’s it. My big lesson of the day, founded, forged, and tested all in an evening under a rain cloud.

I wish Jet or Morgan could have been there. Of all the people I cherish in my life, I can think of no one that would have appreciated it more than them, and no one that I would have rather spent it with.

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