revjim.net

help

a common goal

My dream is to live in — for lack of a better term — a commune. A group of 10-50 people (adults, kids, animals, etc) living on the same property, occupying the same communal spaces, and spending at least part of their energy working toward a common goal. Something similar in feel to La Selva. But, I also realize that finding a like minded commune to join or finding a property and financial means to start my own may be far off. So, in the mean time, I’m seeking what has recently been dubbed the “mini-commune”.

My vision of the Mini-Commune is between 2 and 5 families (depending on the size of those families and the size of the dwelling) sharing a single, larger house. Ideally, the house would have lots of smaller rooms to be used as bedrooms as well as several larger rooms to be used as communal living spaces. Certainly some properties will lend themselves better to this than others but, as long as it’s large enough, almost anything can be made to work.

The benefits of even the mini-commune are quite impressive.

First, there’s the sheer financial aspect of it all. Based on a house I’ve been able to find in the area and average expenses, with even 3 families living together the monthly cost would be around $575/family. When you factor in group meals (less eating out), bulk purchases, and reduced needs for travel, you save even more. Consider the fact that, under this arrangement, it might be possible to get rid of as many as half of the vehicles owned by the group, there’s even more savings. Once you bundle in the social aspects of always having a “family” of people around to lend a helping hand, to make tedious tasks more enjoyable, to provide comfort, and to encourage it, the cons seem entirely manageable.

The cons, of course, having to share a space with other people. If people are inconsiderate, rude, sloppy, or selfish, sharing a space with them can be difficult if not impossible. Obviously, this would require appropriately minded people. I think it’s very important to select fellow commune (or mini-commune) members based on their nature and their lifestyle and how close to your own that those things are more so than how well your interests mesh with theirs or how close of friends you may be now. As you get deeper into the communal unit, more cons can arise, like not having certain amenities (cars, showers, etc) available to you the very second that you want them. It is very much about personal sacrifice in order to increase the benefits for all, including yourself. However, in an ideal commune, these issues will be worked out as a matter of routine. In the fully fledged commune, one could alter the dwelling to more closely match the needs of those that lived there. In this mini-commune one would have to be willing to adapt to what was available.

The fully fledged commune would, of course, be able to grow vegetables, raise a garden, and contribute space to the greater community as well. These things would only be possible in much smaller doses in a mini-commune.

I haven’t fully fleshed out where I’d like to live. But, my tentative selections are Denton, Coppell, Western Dallas (as long as we have home schoolers), and “The Sticks”. If you’re interested — truly interested — in joining let me know. And, if you have any advice (other than, simply, “COMMUNES SUCK”) I’d love to hear it.

electronic sedation

I don’t watch much TV, really. But, still, I feel like it’s starting to play too big of a role in my life. After a long day of work and chores and meeting the demands of other people, I put Celeste down for bed and, often, as was the case last night, I fall asleep doing so. An hour or so later I wake up again with an hour or two ahead of me before I need to go to sleep. I have no problem giving myself those few hours. But, what I do with them is important and they greatly influence the rest of the hours of each day.

This should be a time to pay bills, read a good book, prepare ingredients for the next day’s supper, fold laundry, call a friend, edit photos, enjoy a cup of tea, stare into the night’s sky, clean something, exercise, or work on one of my many ongoing projects. More often than not, I find myself too tired to consider any of those things and I turn to what basically amounts to electronic sedation: the television. At least I watch good TV. In moderation that would be okay. But as it slowly becomes a daily thing I can feel my energy levels dropping day after day. Worse yet, I usually snack while doing it. Which means I’ve gained a little of all that weight I lost back.

I slept all night last night, didn’t wake hardly at all, and yet I’m exhausted this morning. Last night I just wanted to lay on my back and stare at the ceiling instead of laughing and playing and dancing and enjoying time with my daughter. I almost managed to convince myself to not get up this morning, and just sleep another hour or so. So I’ll drink coffee and take medicine and eventually make it through today, but tomorrow will be the same story if I don’t stop the pattern now.

So I’m going to have to impose some artificial limits on myself until my natural moderation kicks back in. I’m happy to provide specifics to those interested. Feel free to offer silly, serious, or sexy award for my success. It helps more than I can express.

thoughts on moving, part II: the whining game

The problem with moving is that if I’m not careful I’ll end up in something just as bad as where I am now, just bad in a different way.

Apartments

An Apartment (vs a Rental House) seems to make the most sense on first thought. But there are some issues.

First of all even the biggest apartments are, generally speaking, smaller than the smallest houses. In most areas you’d be hard pressed to find a house less than 1300 sq ft. And, in most areas, you’d have a hard time finding an apartment larger than 1500 sq ft. They exist. I get it. But, they are not plentiful.

I have a lot of stuff. Granted, I don’t NEED all of this stuff. But, I have it. Which means I’ll have to do something with it and get something else in exchange if I move some place smaller.

For instance, I have a king sized bed. The smaller bedrooms that often come with apartments can have trouble fitting a king sized bed in it. If it does fit, there’s rarely room left for a desk and computer too.

I have a large, square, bar height dining room table that seats 8. This is unlikely to fit in any apartment dining room.

My living room furniture will probably fit. I have a big living room now, but a lot of the space is used for walking, so there is not as much furniture.

At the very least I’ll need a smaller dining room table, and maybe a smaller bed too. I might also need a smaller desk, I may also have a few chairs to sell. And I have a second dining room table that I’ll need to get rid of. And a large outdoor picnic table.

And I’ll either need three bedrooms, a very large master, or a large living room with a conviently placed dining room.

And I’d really prefer the hard flooring. It just makes more sense. And by the time I find all of that stuff, I’m looking at an apartment in in the ghetto or a place that runs about the same as my mortgage does right now. So, it looks like I’m not actually going to save any money there, and that’s still no promise I’ll find a place.

Unless I deliberately pick a place right next to C’s daycare, I need to assume at least a 10 minute drive in Carrollton traffic. So, my 1 hour round trip becomes 20 minutes round trip, maybe 30. Which leaves me 30-40 minutes a day in time savings or 1.5 to 2 hours a week. Plus another 1.5 to 2 hours a week in work travel. Plus another 1-2 hours in other travel. So I’m still looking at 4 to 6 hours a week in time savings. Which is good.

And I’ll still get my cash savings on less toll tag usage and cheaper utility bills. $200 to $400/mo worth, I’m guessing.

Rental Houses

A quick poke here and there found a decent house for rent in Carrollton.

The rent is the same amount that I’m paying now for my mortgage. So there’s no savings there.

It’s about 15 minutes from C’s daycare, so the time savings is roughly the same as the apartment estimate.

Utility bills will be a little higher and there will be a few thises and thats I’ll have to cover that I wouldn’t in a house, so savings are less.

But, with a rental house I’m less likely to have to make my furniture and belongings smaller — certainly not to the same extent. But, at the price I’m looking to pay in this area, I’m going to have a harder time finding a place and an even harder time finding one that isn’t trashed out on the inside.

It will probably not come with a pool or a playground or any of that stuff like an apartment does either.

But we will have privacy, and safety, and comfort, and space that comes with being in a house.

Apartment vs House

I’ll consider both avenues for now, but I’m thinking an apartment just makes more sense. Also makes me a bit more versatile in the event that I find a house I want to BUY or if for some reason I need to move out quickly.

Is it worth it?

But I still have to ask the big question: is it worth it?

Let’s add it all up.

  • CON: I’ll have to be a landlord. I’ll have to deal with a tenant, and make repairs, and collect rent, and all of that. If he stops paying rent, I have to scramble to make ends meet, kick him out, clean the place, find a new tenant, etc.
  • PRO: I will save 4-6 hours in time every week. Maybe even more. It’s not huge, but it’s something. That averages out to an extra hour in every day that I see my daughter each week.
  • PRO: I will save $200-$400/mo. I will more than likely spend most of that in non-rented months at the house, travel to and from the house, maintenance contracts, and the like. But, it’s still savings.
  • POINT: My place will be too small to entertain large groups. But I rarely entertain large groups now and have plenty of friends with houses willing to do so for me should the need arise.
  • CON: I will probably have to put a lot of work and effort and money into buying new things that will work in a new, smaller place. In the end my life will be leaner, which is good, but I’ll have to bleed cash to get there. And, in the end, when I do move back to a house, I’ll more than likely want to beef things back up to fill the house in. This is wasted money and effort. But, I might get lucky and not have to change too much.
  • PRO: I will have a smaller place that’s easier to clean and cheaper to maintain.
  • CON: I will be MUCH farther from the neighbors and friends I’ve made near my house.
  • PRO: I will be closer to C’s mom, my friends in Carrollton and Lewisville, my parents, and my friends in the Keller area.
  • CON: I will no longer have a guest room. Friends from out of town, guests making a drive to visit, and my mom in upstate new york will no longer have a nice place to stay with me. Sure, there are air mattresses and all that Jazz. But it’s not the same.
  • CON: I’ll most likely end up in an apartment. Which means, at least at first, finding places and ways to play with Celeste will be more difficult. All of our old tricks (sitting on the front steps, petting the kitties, and coloring with sidewalk chalk, for instance) are likely to no longer be valid. Additionally, she’ll have to get used to a new place, a new room, a new life style, new noises, and all sorts of new things. But we’ll have eachother to get through it with.

It seems like all of the CONs can either be evened out by a PRO or can be consider a “deal with this one time and be done with it” other than the “being a landlord” bit. And there’s just no way around that one.

Thankfully this first potential tenant seems like a really nice guy. He’s willing to help me out and understands that I’d be going out on a limb for him. Hopefully that means he’ll take care of the place and not be too much trouble. Maybe, when the timing and the price is right, he’ll even buy the place.

Staying here.

Let’s not forget that staying here is still an option. The good thing about it — the best thing about it — is that nothing changes. And even if life isn’t PERFECT right this second — Celeste and I… we’re doing very well. We’re happy. We have lots of time together and a lot of the time that we do have is quality time. Even with all of the issues and commuting and what not, I’m pretty sure I get to spend more time with my daughter every given week than most dad’s do.

Help?!?

As I was telling my awesome friend Kelly earlier today, I don’t internalize stuff like this very well. I have trouble walking away from anything, and making final decisions scares the crap out of me. So… if any of you can shed some insight on this, weigh in once again, and offer any final thoughts, it’d mean a lot to me. I just want to make sure I’m making the right choice.

If I am — if finding an apartment makes the most sense — then I’ll wait until my potential tenant says go and I’ll jump in with both feet and I won’t look back. Because I know that’s the best way to do it. I just need to make sure it’s the right jump before I take it.


this old house

It looks like I’m getting stuck with the house (and the SUV and the credit card debt). So I’m trying to decide how best to work that out and I’m hoping that writing it out and your advice together will help me find the best solution.

(This is really not about why I’m stuck with these things or ways around that. If you’ve got something to say along those lines, let’s save that discussion for some other place. What I need here is advice assuming that I am stuck.)

THE PROBLEM

The problem is that we still owe $150k on the house. In this market, I’d be lucky if I could get $125k for it. Recent home sales in my area are going for $77/sqft (which would fetch me about $175k) but with 120 days on the market and very few actual sales despite the number of signs up in my neighborhood. As Jess and I learned a while back, they simply aren’t selling for a reasonable price due to the foreclosures. So, that leaves me $25k (or more) in the negative. That’s $25k I simply don’t have to throw at this problem. So selling the house is not an option.

I spoke to a mortgage guy. I simply don’t make enough money to qualify for TWO homes, so renting this one out at a loss and buying another, much cheaper house is not an option unless I start making more money. Recent changes in the mortgage industry keep me from using the rental income to qualify for the second home. So buying another house is out.

My “wife” is asking for child support as well. With a house 3 times bigger than little ole Celeste and I need, a car payment that’s about 50% higher than would be ideal, and credit card debt out the wazoo, I’m living on the edge of my means. Coming up with child support seems impossible. All of these things made sense when we were a team
working together to solve a problem. At two separate entities seemingly working against each other at times, it just doesn’t work.

POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS

An apartment
I could move into my mom and dad’s house temporarily and try to rent my house. Once it rented, I could try to find an apartment for Celeste and I.

I’d probably have to rent for less than I pay in mortgage. I pay $1400/mo in mortgage stuff, plus another $600 or so in utilities — $2000 total. If I could rent my house for $1000/mo and find a cheap — I hate using that work in relation to apartments — cheap apartment for us — say $800/mo or so. I might be okay. Utilities in an apartment shouldn’t run more than $200 which means, if I’m doing my math right, I’d have $600 more in my pocket each month than I would otherwise. That’s a start.

Of course, then I’d have to live in a “cheap” apartment which is not really what I want for my daughter.

Mom and Dad
My Mom and Dad are very generous. They’ve offered Celeste and I a place to stay that would include a room for each of us, food, utilities, and everything else you could imagine (including free day care) for free. We would basically have the entire upstairs of the house they have in Keller, a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood that’s just as close to where I work as where I live now.

This would allow me to seek a renter for my house (even at a rate lower than what I pay) and use the difference to pay for child support and start building up a bank of cash to use to help qualify for a new home in the future.

Of course the downsides are not having a place of our own, having limited ability to entertain guests (dates? hahaha), and having to live under their rules. However, we see eye-to-eye on most things so I don’t see this as too big of an issue.

Room Mate
I could find a room mate. I’ve even got enough space to take in a room mate with a child. The savings there could possibly offset some or all of the child support. But finding someone I trust to live with my daughter, that I get along with, and that is willing to live where I live may not be easy. Is this you? Do you know someone?

Abandonment
It’s really a bad idea, but I want to write it down so that I cover everything. I could just walk away from the house. Just let it rot. My credit will be ruined (and probably Jess’s too) and I’ll never again qualify for a house or a car or even a credit card. But, with the amount of money I’d save, within a few years time, I might be able to save up enough to pay enough cash to be considered for something. And, if I can sneak an apartment lease in there before my credit looks too nasty, I could afford a nicer place that might be more sustainable.

YOUR THOUGHTS

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Are there other options I haven’t considered? Which of these sounds the best to you?

Road Trip this weekend?

Who wants to go on a Road Trip this weekend? We’d leave Friday afternoon or early Saturday morning and head back Sunday or Monday evening. Hotel, gas, photography equipment and park admission is already covered.

If you follow me on Twitter (as you very well should) you may have witnessed my consideration of making an impromptu Road Trip last Saturday morning. Well, those thoughts have not subsided. Maybe I’ll have better luck if I start thinking about it now, two days earlier.

I’d like to visit the Lost Maples State Natural Area. I’ve been talking about doing this for several years now and simply never have. The point of the trip is to see and photograph the leaves changing colors as it features a large, isolated stand of uncommon Uvalde Bigtooth Maple. According to the 2008 Foliage Color Change Report, last weekend was probably a better weekend to visit. A lot of the Maples have dropped their leaves thanks to the wind. On the good side, the Red Oaks are starting to change.

Of course that’s only the purpose, because it helps to aim your car in some direction if you have a purpose. The best part about Road Trips is what happens in all the unplanned parts, and how your plans twist into something even better than originally planned. I love Road Trips.

If I leave Friday night I figure I’ll stop off in Austin or San Antonio for the evening then head out again the next morning. If I leave Saturday morning, I’ll just head straight there. If I leave by 6am I should be there in time for a nice look around before sunset. For the return trip I’m planning to leave around noon. Leaving on Monday just gives me one extra day and can always be decided upon at the last minute.

If I do the Saturday through Sunday trip, I’ll have just enough time for a little hike and then a sunset. Then do a sunrise, and then have another little hike. Then head home. From sunset to sunrise I’ll bum around Kerrville, look for diners, decaying buildings, and things that would make for interesting night photography. I might also sleep. Maybe.

Of course if I do the Friday through Monday trip, I’ve got a lot more time. I can goof off in Austin or San Antonio Friday night. Take my time getting out to Lost Maples Saturday morning. And I’ll have a whole extra day for exploring or allowing for alternate impromptu plans.

I will get up pretty damn early regardless of where we are or how our plans change only because I really like sunrises. You’re welcome to sleep in the hotel room, car, field, barn, boat house, or whereever it was we ended up the night before if you’d prefer not to get up early. I won’t let the pigs nibble your ears too much.

So.. who’s in? Three people (plus myself) is about the maximum group size to make it fun and dynamic. I do pretty well by myself, but I’d much rather have someone with me.

Let me know SOON, because I need to book hotels and/or find couches to crash on in Austin/San Antonio and Kerrville.

intensity

I can be intense. Too intense for some people, I think. I’m trying to work on this and figure out how to control it more.

Twice this week people I don’t communicate with very often have commented on how fast I respond to emails. A friend mentioned that she had forgotten while I was out of town how quickly one email turns into ten when I’m around. It’s true. I write fast. I think fast. I know what I want before it’s asked for. Everything I do is on overload and it’s this way constantly until i turn it off. Then it buzzes around in the back of my head as I block it out with TV, food, sleep, or the constant refreshing of internet pages that don’t update fast enough.

Sometimes, a big enough distraction (sensuality, art, passion, etc) comes along and focuses my attention for a time. This is when I really start to feel how intense I can be. My mind is still working at the same speed, but instead of jumping around from thing to thing inside and waiting for other people to catch up, it’s almost entirely focused. It feels good — REALLY GOOD — but it certainly takes some getting used to.

With the right intoxicants and in the right situations, my mind can slow down enough to allow me to enjoy several things at once and take in an entire situation in the same way that I see most people doing most of the time. It’s not that I don’t enjoy what I’m doing or the conversations I’m having when in my normal state, because I do. It’s just that my mind works through things quickly by default and it requires a lot of energy to slow it down. Like a good meal, I can still enjoy life when taken in small, fast bites, but it doesn’t taste the same as it does when I chew slowly and savor each bite.

So, I need to work on focusing more of my attention and intensity inwards. This will help me to decrease my expectations from others and will lead me to be less disappointed on a regular basis. It’ll also help me get a more constant feel for how intense I can be.

At the same time, I need to cherish those people who enjoy my intensity and allow myself to be wrapped tightly with them until they’ve had enough. I need to learn to encourage people to let me know when want the intensity and also to tell me when enough is enough before it becomes too much.

I also need to explore more methods for slowing myself down and focusing myself. I need to seek out more distractions: projects to channel energy into, people to share myself with, art to get lost in, sensuality to center myself with. I need to find people I trust to get into situations I am comfortable with to allow myself more opportunities to enjoy life under the slight influence of intoxicants. And finally, I need to find methods of slowing myself down and focusing internally so that I am able to control myself when I do not have friends to help, distractions to focus me, or chemicals to free me.

It’s a long road. This is the first step. If you can help, I’ll happily accept it.

motivation and commitment

Part of me wants to think that I’m just lazy. But if I really look at it I start to see that really, I lack motivation and commitment. I realized this after reading a post from a friend having a similar problem.

Look at yesterday. I got up at 6:30. I got caught up online, did a little work, wrote, edited a photo, and got myself ready by 9am. I walked to breakfast then walked to work. I was there by 10 and worked until 7pm taking only 45 minutes for lunch. After work I drove to dinner. Then I took some photographs of the city, drove around a bit, and ended up at the hotel by 10pm. I went to bed reading at 11:30 and spent the time in between online. While I could certainly stand to cut back on my time online, it’s not like I’m even a little bit lazy. I do plenty of stuff. I just lack the motivation to do the things I know I should do that also tend to be time consuming or require some form of commitment.

At least for the first year or so, my goal is to take photographs of Celeste every month on or near her month birthday. For a photographer one quick and easy photoshoot at home should be no problem but, somehow, I keep putting it off. Two weeks from now she’ll be 6 months old and I still haven’t even come up with an idea for her 5 month photos. I did take her 3 month and 4 month photos but I still haven’t printed them or mailed them to anyone. The only reason they are edited is because my mother-in-law forced me to do it while they were here. Something so simple and rewarding shouldn’t be difficult to convince myself to do.

Look at all the abandoned photography projects or photo adventures. With the projects, I just keep saying I’m working on them. For the photo adventures, I always have a good excuse. I can find the time and I certainly have the energy. It must be motivation that keeps me from doing these things.

I think I actually have the opposite of motivation: anti-motivation. Maybe you could even call it inertia. I think it is fueled, in part, by a fear of commitment. These larger projects have so many aspects to them. They require planning and dedication. There are people who expect them and are waiting patiently for them. There is something in my head that clicks in all the wrong directions and pushes back on these things. I think I’m afraid of letting myself or others down so much, that I don’t even bother to get started. Give me a series of small tasks to perform today and I’m fine. Give me a larger task to accomplish over a period of time, and somehow, it never gets done.

I have great time management skills. And I’m more than capable of managing very large projects with intricate time lines and rushed due dates. I do this all day every day at my day job. But, when I get home, some how that all shuts off.

At work, the reward for accomplishing large projects on time is obvious: a paycheck and the promise of more work. However, at home, it’s harder to find motivation to make these personal commitments. Most of the people I know undertake projects that benefit themselves and possibly their immediate family. Going beyond that is rare. This isn’t a complaint at all. It’s just the way it is. But the projects I undertake are generally intended to impact more than just myself. I think that maybe the reason I find it so hard to commit to this work is because the rewards are not nearly as obvious.

So I’m looking for help. Someone to share a project with or someone with a goal of their own so we can keep each other in check. Someone offering a reward (silly or serious) for the completion of a project. Or someone to monitor and praise my progress during a project.

Here’s what I’m working on: Skins editing, summer camping trip, celeste monthly photos, wet/water shoot with model, website redesign and migration, sensual anonymity (more models and more photos), rural night photography, clean studio shots of random objects (hi tech catalog type work).

sleping alone

a schedule

Despite the ever decreasing amounts of free time I have these days (it was bad even before the baby) I feel compelled to force myself to continue to create and explore. I think a forced schedule is the best way to accomplish this. While it doesn’t produce outstanding results every day, forcing myself to produce something — anything — often leads to more creativity, more streamlining of work, and, in the end, better work and more of it.

My Self Portrait Project is a good example of how well this works. In that two week span, I produced an image almost every single day. At least half of them are among my most popular images. Of course the other half are pretty trite and uninspired. The two sort of go hand-in-hand.

(more…)

Portable Ubuntu – Part 2

As mentioned a few days ago, I’m having problems with Portable Ubuntu. This morning, fed up with my perfectionist ways, I decided to jump through the hoops required to do it the no-brainer way, that Justin suggested. I wish I hadn’t.

(more…)

help: portable bus-powered USB hard drives

The last time I looked into Portable USB hard drives, in the end, I simply gave up. I ended up purchasing a 160GB Acomdata drive unknowning what a nightmare connecting it to two USB ports would be. This particular drive requires either an external power connection, or two USB ports to be occupied in order to supply it enough power to operate. The fact that my (old, terrible, crappy) work laptop only has two USB ports, means it’s basically unusable.

At that time, Justin clued me in to bus-powered USB drives that are capable of working when only occupying one USB port. However, he also warned me that they were a bit expensive and can be problematic and unreliable because USB power isn’t always reliable. I poked around here and there, and the prices were enough to scare me away, let alone the worry that, when I needed it most, it wouldn’t work.

So I dropped it.

Until yesterday.

Sheridan pointed out that bus-powered drives are affordable and work well enough that his employer relies on them in heavy use by multiple developers. A couple of links later and I had several very affordable, seemingly reliable options for moderate capacity, portable, USB powered hard drives that didn’t occupy more than one USB port.

But there is a catch. First of all, it has to be a USB 2.0 port. Secondly, if it’s a port from a non-powered hub, if your USB cable is too long, or isn’t up to the standards required, it may not work at all, or may only work for small files and fail on larger files or during extended use. Finally, even if your USB hub is powered, if it isn’t built and operating in a certain fashion, it may still fail. On top of that, not all laptops are created equal. Some laptops don’t supply the right amount of power the right way so even using one of the built-in USB ports and the USB cable supplied with the drive, you can end up with a drive that just can’t get enough power.

So I’ve got two questions for you.

1) Do any of you use bus-powered USB drives? If so, do you have any problems with them? Are you using the cables supplied with them? Do you use them with a laptop or a desktop?

2) Does anyone have any use for a 160GB portable USB drive that requires two USB ports to operate? It even comes with a special cable that connects to two ports on your computer and leads into one port on the drive.