Last night I had a disturbing dream. This always seems to happen when I can’t find a way to get comfortable in bed.
I was talking on the phone with Emily. Celeste and I had just been some place and Emily was mentioning that there was another place near where we were that served tea that might be fun to visit with the kids one day. So, Celeste and I were taking a walk though a small park that joined the two in order to go check it out.
As I walked through the park I was holding Celeste in one arm and still talking to Emily. I looked over through some trees to the right at a pond and saw an Alligator there, just coming out of the water. Before I could run he snapped at us catching Celeste’s left leg in his jaws just below the knee.
Here’s where it gets even stranger. The alligator didn’t bite all the way through. In fact, if he would just open his mouth she would more than likely have nothing more than a few puncture wounds that would heal quickly. So I was holding Celeste with an Alligator attached to her leg and had a choice to make. I could kick at him, maybe getting him to let go, or maybe pissing him off so much that he attacks us again, this time, no doubt, much worse. I could pull Celeste out of his mouth, more than likely leaving her leg seriously damaged and then run like hell. Or I could just wait to see what he does next, hoping that he opens his mouth and leaves us alone.
This scenario is how I see almost every difficult choice I have to make. And similar choices are currently at the forefront of my mind.
In my dream, the last part of it, from the bite onward, continued to repeat itself. Each time I’d try something a little bit different. The outcome was never good. In one scenario, we managed to break free from the Alligator only to find his friend waiting a few seconds down the path. However, in my dream, waiting it out was never attempted. Trusting the Alligator was simply not an option.
We leave for Galveston/Bolivar in 3 days. This time with Celeste along too. Temperatures are supposed to top out at 90F with 76F dew points. So, hot and humid as expected. My biggest concern is sun exposure for C and trying to find stuff to do other than swim on a peninsula that has practically no shade. Because 12 hours a day at the beach for 3 days in a row probably isn’t such a good idea. Maybe we’ll take some short trips to The Island, the Boardwalk, etc and find some shaded things or indoor things to do.
Celeste didn’t sleep very well last night. She woke up quite a few times crying and difficult to console. Around 2am was the worst. She cried for a while. Then asked for milk. When I brought her milk she cried because it wasn’t in the “blue cup”. When I told her she could have the blue cup in the morning, she started crying again. Eventually we ended up staring at the fan together and taking about the lights. An hour later she fell back asleep. Not sure what’s going on or really how to handle it except to continue to be patient and give her love.
I guess I found some chiggers yesterday. I think I know where and I’m glad I was holding C when I was there. I have yet to find any on her. I’ve got quite a few bites on my ankles and even one up at my hip. Of course they itch terribly.
I’d been going back and forth lately about buying another camera. Something smaller than a dSLR, but better and more capable than the pocket SD1200 I carry around now. Saturday sort of sealed the deal when I tried to hike, photograph, and carry Celeste all at once. If she was a little older it’d probably be okay. The trouble is that I have to wear a backpack since I have camera stuff, my stuff, and Celeste’s stuff. So I have no quick place to put the camera when she wants to be lifted. So, when I lift her she either gets a heavy camera in the face or I get one bashing against my elbow. I’m trying to not rush into buying anything this time, though. So, I’m going to give my big rig another shot during our trip to the coast. And Bonnie’s going to lend me her G9 at the same time so I can sort of get a feel for both since the G10 is what I’m looking at buying.
I went to bed at 9:30 last night and I’m still exhausted this morning. Not sure if I’m still a little sick or if it was due to all the waking up Celeste did. But, regardless, I’m not looking forward to going in to the office today.
Celeste got her first goose egg on Saturday. I let her do all sorts of things that many people don’t let their kids do. So, I’m sure those of you who know me and my parenting style are saying “I figured that would happen!”. But here’s the funny thing: she didn’t fall off the boardwalk I let her run on, 10 feet above the ground with no railing. She didn’t hurt herself jumping off the stool on to the living room floor all by herself. She didn’t hurt herself playing the “oh oh oh” game that she loves so much, which is basically her running in place on my chest. No. She hurt herself walking. No not on a trail, or in the sand, or in the water. She hurt herself walking on the sidewalk in front of a commercial establishment. She tripped on something (I don’t even know what), and hit her head on the large decorative rocks that adorned the place.
I’ve been going back and forth about buying a photo printer. This weekend sort of sealed that for me as well. My local CVS does just as good as my Dad’s photo printer and is much, MUCH cheaper.
My inlaws called Jess two days ago to give her final dates for their trip out here. Instead of 10 days they are staying 14. Instead of driving they are flying. Instead of coming at the end of July they are coming on July 6th. They will not be renting a car. They will not be getting a hotel. Surprise!
I had half a mind to not be accomating when it comes to Celeste’s time because that’s just ridiculous. But at the same time, I want them to be a part of Celeste’s life and I don’t know how much of the “Surprise” was them changing their mind last minute, and how much of it was Jess not seeking to get dates and times soon enough.
Regardless, they’ll be here for 14 days and I won’t be seeing Celeste for most of it.
Jess and I worked out a decent plan. I get a bunch of days before and after to make up for the time when they are here. I also get two evenings throughout their stay so that it’s not so long without so much as even seeing her. And finally, I’ve got preapproval to do something similar myself in the fall so I can take Celeste to New York and Vermont for 4 to 6 days.
It’s going to be a long, hard two weeks. Thankfully, I’m lining up distractions.
The 4th of July!
I’ve got Celeste with me for five days in a row. In these five days there are three days off of work. We have some plans but, for the most part, I’m just packing very full bags and playing it all by ear.
There are tentative plans to go to a Splash Park Friday morning. There are more tentative plans to see Fireworks in Addison or possibly Carrollton on Friday night. There are fairly solid plans to see fireworks in Grapevine on Saturday night. The rest is unknown. I’m sure there will be swimming and singing and playing and book reading and sidewalk chalk — always sidewalk chalk.
My Birthday!
My Birthday is July 8th and it’s one of the days I’ve worked out to have with Celeste. So that’s extra nice, especially since I spent my last birthday without her (or anyone, actually) when Jess took her to Canada. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m doing it but, really, as long as I have Celeste there I’m doing better than I ever have before. More than likely, whatever it is, you’re invited. I rarely turn down the opportunity for good company.
Home Improvement
I’m hoping to build a headboard and put down hard flooring upstairs which Celeste is away. I’m still seeking help and arrangements for getting the flooring done. The headboard I can do myself. If I can’t do the flooring, I’ll tackle a few organization projects instead. Company both welcome and greatly apprecaited.
SPOON!
Saturday, July 11th, myself and 9 other people will be traveling to the great city of Austin, TX is order to witness live musicians calling themselves “Spoon” perform on stage at Stubb’s.
Several of my favorite people will be there with me and this promises to epic.
The Gulf Coast
The day after Spoon, as everyone else heads back to DFW myself and two good friends will travel to the Texas Gulf Coast for four days. Yes, I’ve never been. I know that’s sad. Despite claims from some that it is nothing but a swampy shithole, I’m confident that the opportunties for photographic, culinary, social, mental, and personal stimulation will be plenty. Plus, we’ve got our very own Spirit Guide.
I’ve been in swampy shitholes before and came out smiling. The greatest competition toward enjoyment will come from the same three places they usually do no matter where I am: the humidity, the bugs, and my own mind.
I don’t have any details on where we’re going other than “that way”. I don’t know where I’m staying, where I’m eating, or which spots are on the list of “must-sees”. I’m, hopefully, working all of that out over the next few days.
The worst part
One of the only truly difficult parts about being separated from Jess is being without my daughter. When all of this finally started working itself into what it is today, I knew there would come a time where I would have to go without her for much longer than I care to. Now is that time.
It makes me sad that it has to be like this. It makes me sad that in the middle of it all there might be a sad, confused little girl who wants her Daddy and can’t figure out why no one will let her see him or — worse — why he’s not coming to see her like he always does. I hope and pray that she’s not old enough to feel that this time around and that when the next time comes she might be old enough to understand.
But still, tears stream down my face as I write these words and I can’t make them stop. Because I understand the hows and whys of it all, as much as it hurts to be away from her, I can get by. In the end, though I may be sad, I’ll be okay. But it breaks my heart over and over again to think of what she might go through.
My greatest hope is that the distraction provided by her grandparents will be enough to keep her from noticing too often and that they will plan some activities for her to keep her active and entertained as opposed to sitting around avoiding the nasty Texas heat as we are so often inclined to do.
Finally, I hope that if she really gets distressed that Jess and my inlaws will find it somewhere in themselves to invite me over for a few hours in order to show my little girl that her daddy isn’t gone forever.
I’ve lost my way. I’m lacking inner peace and my sense of self-worth is being destroyed. I’m fighting my way back, but it’s going to be a long battle.
(There’s a long story behind most of this, as there always is with me. Most of it doesn’t really speak to the point I’m trying to make, so I’m going to skip over it.)
For quite some time now, my need for external validation has gone from nearly none at all to a point where I almost can’t function without it. I believe that external validation is a good thing in many cases. Without it, we’d all be that horrible singer everyone laughs at on American Idol. But, as with anything, there’s a line.
Lately, this need has coupled itself with my natural tendency toward flirtation and sensuality. Again, this is not a bad thing on it’s own. However, with the intensity that fuels this need, when it isn’t received it tends to have a terrible effect on me. It leads to depression, decreased self esteem and a big long list of other really bad things.
The point I’m trying to make is that I need to cool it. I need to release the bond I’ve made internally between flirtation and validation. And, until I can get control of it, the easiest way to ensure this is to turn it off.
If you are someone I’ve hurt or offended because because of my recent behavior, I’m truly sorry. I may not even realize I’ve hurt you. Please let me know if I have.
If you’re one of the few people that actually enjoys my flirtatious nature, please don’t take offense if you find it lacking. If you want it back all you only need to poke me a few times and be willing to flirt back.
Slowly, but surely, I’ll make it. And I’m surrounded by some incredible friends who are helping to make that possible.
