revjim.net

intimacy

what I want

Sep 18th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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A few years ago spending time with people that mattered to me and respected me was the most important thing in my life. That hasn’t changed. That still is what is most important. We are, after all, very social animals. Being social makes us happy. And, as I’ve said before, success is happiness.

But the people that I find myself surrounded by continues to change. As the core of my group grows and shrinks and mutates, those that support that core fluctuate as well. While staying out until 3am drinking and laughing and smoking and doing silly things that I should regret the next day but probably wont still sounds like a REALLY GOOD TIME, it just doesn’t happen. Not because of lack of opportunity and not because of lack of desire. There are merely more important things. No matter how drunk I get, no matter how loud I sing, no matter who I accidentally make out with, I wouldn’t trade the smile on my daughter’s face, and an early morning walk with her for it. No way.

But this isn’t about Celeste. I mean it is, but it isn’t. Because I wouldn’t trade a happy smile and a nice morning walk with anyone I care about for a night of carelessness and lack of inhibitions. For me, an intimate moment with someone I care about has always been more important. Now, if I can have both, then I’ll take it.

This isn’t a holier than thou thing. There’s nothing wrong with preferring the super-social acts of silliness and debauchery over a quiet, happy, peaceful moment. Everyone is built differently. I’m not knocking those of you who would prefer to stay out late and party. In fact, if I can find a way to get what I want most and join you too, then I will.

Getting married, or finding a significant other, or having a child, or moving within walking distance of your closest friends changes things for people like me. It isn’t because I’ve changed who I am. And it isn’t because the event or other person changes me. It is, instead, because with that change comes that which I seek the most. And, in having it, I choose it over and over again.

So that’s where I am. That’s where I’ve always been. I seek intimacy and closeness. I seek it in all of it’s forms. I seek it as often as I can have it. And I seek it in ways that allow me to have even more of it, instead of in ways that would limit me from finding it. Often that means being around people with the same priority pattern because it just works out that way. But it doesn’t have to.

I still like being super-social and wild too. Believe me, I’ve still got it in me. And if I can find a way to do both, I will. And if being super-social is on the top if your list, but an intimate, close moment with a good friend sounds enjoyable too, then maybe we can work it out to where we both get what we want.

I’m learning that anything is possible. ANYTHING.

sorting out christmas lights

Aug 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

I’ve taken a hard look at all of relationships I have that I consider important or meaningful. I try to live without expectations of others but, over time, they build themselves up. I believe that I good chunk of my current frustrations is due to these unmet expectations. A good friend of mine put it best. I’d like to quote her in full, because I can’t find a single word worth leaving out.

It’s hard not to have expectations of people, but it’s also an easy path to frustration. The simulated version of our friends that we have our heads will never equate the flesh-and-blood versions who are unpredictable and selfish. I mean selfish in a non-negative way– it’s just a human condition. Each of us only sees the world through our own eyes and have our own interpretations. Sometimes we connect, sometimes we don’t. But we all have our own lives that nobody else will ever fully understand. Not our spouses, not our parents, not our children. Truly, we are all alone. No one will ever understand us fully. But that just makes the connections we have all the more important and beautiful– something precious. Something to strive for, but as much as possible without expectation, because that pressure can distort it.

The difficult part is in the last sentence, “as much as possible without expectation”. First of all, expectations are a necessity. At least in the greater, general society. It is unfortunate that everyone does not give freely of themselves without expectation. However, like the Prisoner’s Dilemma, if everyone does not subscribe, then those who do are taken advantage of. Or, more specifically, I feel taken advantage of. The important thing here is not to get rid of expectations, but to set them at something reasonable. I believe that, perhaps, my expectations are unreasonable.

What I need to sort out is what parts of me I’m willing to give freely to anyone who will take them and what parts of me I require reciprocation for in order to feel good about giving. Just knowing this will help me make sure I don’t get into situations that will make me feel bad.

I also need to sort out which relationships I have that don’t seem to be offering much of what I want. Several of the relationships that I put a lot of myself in to are with people who simply don’t want that kind of relationship with me or are mostly unavailable for anything beyond a very basic relationship. Truly understanding that this is the case and that I should no longer pour myself into such relationships will free me up a lot and reduce frustration.

As a counter-idea to all of this, another good friend of mine said, simply, “I don’t think I could do what you’re doing. It just seems like it would highlight the negatives and bring me down. Why not just focus on the good?”. I just feel that there is so much bad that I have a hard time even seeing the good. So I feel like if I clear the bad away, the good will be more apparent. But maybe she’s right. Maybe another approach is in order. Or, at the very least, a little bit of both.

Still a lot of work to do up here. Your friendship and support really mean a lot. Outside of that all I need is some more time, more distractions, and all the intimacy I can find.

a day of moments and thoughts

Aug 5th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

I know that most of you didn’t like the auto-twitter posting that appeared on my site. In truth, I don’t really care for it on other sites either, unless I don’t follow that person in Twitter and so long as they have more than just nothing but Twitter posts for months on end.

At the same time, while a lot of what is written there is an ongoing conversation with people you may or may not care about, a lot of important stuff is said too, since the platform is so readily available throughout the day. So I’m going to try something new. Once a day, week, month, year, whatever works out in the end, I’m going to collect the important bits and use them as jumping off points for more thought and clarification.

Please, let me know what you think of this. As I’ve said many times before, while I write these words for me, if you’re not reading them they are pointless. Let me know if you like these all in one big post like this, or if I should spread them out into tinier posts throughout the day, or if I should just not do it at all.

# – We have been Wiifitted. Wee! Or rather, Wii!

It started out as a silly idea. I thought the WiiFit was an absurd idea for a “game” and at the same time, an absurd way to “work out”. In my mind, it didn’t fit either role very well. In practice, I was 100% right. However, it does have it’s own sense of charm. It takes all of the instruction, timing, counting and tracking out of exercise. While it doesn’t make certain you are doing the exercises correctly, it at least tries to make sure you stay balanced while you do them. That plus everything else, and it’s about 50% as good as a personal trainer that comes to your house whenever you want her to. And cheaper too.

I particularly like the strength exercises, the yoga practice, and the step aerobics. But, like others, # I find myself wishing the step aerobics were more varied. There are only two “courses” after which comes “free step” which is quite boring. A couple of people think that there will eventually be a Wii Step Aerobics game that will capitalize on this wish of mine. They’re probably right. So release the damn thing already.

# – I’m VERY sick to my stomach. Too much coffee, not enough food. Email me distractions for the next few hours until I can get lunch. Please!

As I get older I’m starting to realize that food can affect me quite a bit more than it used to. Too much of one thing or not enough of another and it can really throw me off. However, I haven’t quite figured out what’s good and what’s bad, what can be tolerated and what should be avoided at all costs.

Yesterday I had 6 “cups” (per the lines on my coffee pot) of coffee in the morning. By 10am I was spinning like crazy and very sick to my stomach. At almost 1pm I got something heavy to eat. Within an hour I felt 75% better. It wasn’t until a had a little down time and another meal that I felt 100%. But, by the end of the day, I felt okay enough to get on the Wii Fit again.

A special thanks to those who sent distractions. I find that, for many of my ailments, keeping me from thinking about them is the easiest way to get around them.

# – Time to build up my harem. Apps are being accepted! Especially if you like stairwells. Maybe this is a good time to use Craigslist. :)

This is a case of “ha ha only serious“. It’s clearly a joke. I don’t have a harem and therefore, don’t have a harem to build up. At the same time, the group of friends and special people that I share physical closeness with is dwindling for various reasons. I certainly don’t require a large group by any means, but, those that remain are largely unavailable. Physical closeness is one of those things that I crave and yet, at the same time, can be absolutely petrified of. It’s a need I don’t fully understand and yet feel very strongly about. It’s comforting. It’s safe. It’s sexy. It’s silly. It’s warm. It’s freeing. And, sometimes, it’s dangerous. All good things.

So, while I don’t actually have a harem, if physical closeness is something your situation allows and something you desire, then, please, really, “applications are being accepted! Especially if you like stairwells.”

Should I use CraigsList for such a purpose. Probably not. I’m better at being close with friends than I am with strangers. But, at the same time, it seems to be well suited to finding such new friends.

# – wanted list: friends: skype, stumble; wishes; harem members; photo: subjects, partners; dreams; dinner friends; progress; peace.

This doesn’t require too much explanation, really. It’s a list of things that I currently desire. Not matieral things. Emotional things. Mental things.

Skype Friends. Check out Skype. It’s the best cross-platform Video/Audio Chatting application I can find. You don’t have to have a camera or a headset to enjoy it either. Sure, it’s more fun if you do, but not required.

Stumble Friends. Check out StumbleUpon. It’s a way of browsing new, interesting websites, as well as sharing new websites that you like with your friends. It’s very easy to use and quite addictive. I’m looking for people to share their interests with me, for people interested in sharing my interests, and hopeful that people will Favorite my photographs so that others will be introduced to them through the world of Stumble.

Harem Members. See above.

Photo Subjects. It’s been ages since I’ve done a portrait session. My studio has been torn down, which makes this harder. But that doesn’t reduce my desire to create and to use the human body as a subject and muse. If you’re interested in being photographed, I’d love to hear from you. I’m specifically looking for people who have free time on weekends to go out to interesting places and be photographed in nature. Additionally, I’m looking for someone who would like to be photographed in the rain. I’d like to set up all the details and logistics so that the next time it’s raining, all it’ll take is a quick phone call and we’ll both be ready to go.

Photo Partners. This is similar to the above, except instead of being in front of my camera, you have your own to stand behind, or, at least, enjoy walking around in various places and stopping for lots of photos. It can get fairly boring to be out alone all the time. I’m looking for someone to share these times with. Someone to lean on for encouragement, to share the waiting with, and to get excited with.

Dinner Friends. See my post from yesterday — you’re invited to dinner — for more information.

Wishes. Dreams. Progress. Peace. These are all self-explanitory.