revjim.net

jess

Texas Coast, Day I

Jul 12th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

Fuel for Paranoia

It would be an understatement to say that I am generally paranoid. I spent most of yesterday morning packing for my trip and contemplating whether I should just call the whole thing off and stay in Dallas in case something happened or I was needed in some way.

About 2 hours after we hit the road, Jess called to tell me she’d been in a car accident with the baby in the car. Thankfully, everyone is okay. I’ll keep asking to make sure and worrying about it the time I’m travelling because that’s what I do, but I’m so very glad that everyone is okay. But stuff like this doesn’t help to calm my paranoia. Working it out helps, though.

There’s no way my presence in Dallas would have prevented that accident or any of potential consequences that may follow. It would have likely happened just as it did. The only difference I might have made was in how the situation was cared for afterwards. But Jess is handling it well and calls whenever she has questions or wants an opinion, so that’s good. It makes me feel like she is taking care of everything and that if something needs my attention or if a problem arises she will let me know. As long as I can hold onto that and trust in that, then there is no reason to worry about anything.

I hope working it out is enough to help me let it go.

So that’s that. Enough said.

A Bad Feeling

I’m also starting to see signs that, once again, my intuition can be trusted. This is very good.

Recently (now there’s a vague time word for you), I got a bad feeling about some aspects of some relationships in my life. Yesterday, while I’m fairly sure everything will be just fine in the end, I had a tiny scare that started a zygote of an idea which blossomed into full blown panic. It made me realize that sometimes the risk isn’t worth the payoff and that when my intution is telling me that it might not be, instant gratification is not always the best long term solution.

I continually seek comfort and communion with others and I’m okay with that. I think that’s part of what society is suppossed to provide us with. However, I seem to be seeking it in the wrong places; places that end up leaving me feeling less comfortable and less cared for and more alone. I think, in part, this is due to issues I have with vulnerability. I desire to be close to others but I shy away from the vulnerabilty that generally comes with that. So, instead, I seek action and responses that indicate familiarity and, eventually, comfort, but do so without that initial act of vulnerability. This rarely leads to the response I want which only increases frustration. I’m working on figuring this out. But in the mean time I find myself feeling frustrated and alone in the relationships that I do reach out in. So, while I work on things from this end, I’m hopeful that I find a friendship that will work with me from the other side. It’s not really something you can ask for though. It just has to happen, I guess.

SPOON!

Oh yeah. So, the part of the trip that happned outside of my head. We made it to the hotel around 6:30pm and wanted to get to Stubb’s (the venue Spoon was playing at) by 7pm, so not a whole lot happened before that other than driving and good conversation.

discarded memories

discarded memories

The walk from the hotel to the venue was nice though. I miss walking with a purpose. Celeste and I go on walks often, but the final destination is just back home and the walk, while fun, is mostly purposeless. It’s nice to walk with a purpose. I brought the small point and shoot camera and took a few photos here and there.

The concert was great, despite some technical difficulties. Spoon puts on a good show and when they perform they are just as tight and together as they are on their albums. The sounds was spot on and the bass was just enough to let you really feel the music. Outdoor venues, even in the heat of the Texas summer, are by far my favorite places to see live music.

I’m older than I’ve ever been

Jul 8th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

Today is my birthday.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I have for the 31st time in my life successfully circumnavigated the sun. Quite an accomplishment, I know. It wouldn’t have been possible without my mom, my dad, gravity, and inertia, all of whom I’d like to thank on this momentous occassion.

Ha.

In reality, there’s nothing more significant about today than there was yesterday or will be tomorrow. We could just as easily celebrate birth months, birth weeks, or births at 500 day intervals. In fact, I once threw myself a 10,000th day alive party, just because.

Really, life should be celebrated every single day and at every possible opportunity, because, despite being abundant here, it is so very precious.

But, there is a tradition in our society to celebrate a person on the day of their birth. And it is that tradition, not the actual event, that makes today special for me. The day is only 10 hours old and already so many friends and family have texted, called, emailed, and sent photographs wishing me a happy birthday. It is so very appreciated. Thank you all for helping to make this day special.

I spent my 30th birthday alone in Syracuse, NY. My wife and 7 month old daughter had left for Canada the day before to visit her parents and I was to follow 3 days later. I’d wanted so badly to spend the time together but it just didn’t happen. And even though, just like today, that particular day was not really any more important than any other day, the tradition placed on it made it feel more important. And the round number of “30″ made it seem more important too. Therefore, it made me feel very sad to not have those I loved dearest close to me then.

But this birthday will not be that way. Despite the fact that Celeste’s grandparents are in town for the next two weeks to visit her, I’m seeing her tonight. I don’t have anything planned, but spending time with my daughter will be more than enough. No matter how amazing my life was before her, with her in it, everything is bigger and better and more important than it ever was before.

So today, on my birthday, I am grateful for Jess and all the family and friends that have played a role in bringing her into this world and shaping her life and making her who she is. I can say, without a doubt, that Celeste has the best chosen family on the face of the planet.

Of course, as always, I welcome and appreciate spending time with people I care about. If you’re without plans this evening (or Thursday, or Friday), or have plans worth cancelling, and would like to join us to go swimming, go for a walk, have a nice dinner, watch a movie at home, have a beer or two, or just stand out on the front porch and talk as the sun sets, I’d love that. You know how to reach me.

14 long days

Jul 2nd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

14 long days

My inlaws called Jess two days ago to give her final dates for their trip out here. Instead of 10 days they are staying 14. Instead of driving they are flying. Instead of coming at the end of July they are coming on July 6th. They will not be renting a car. They will not be getting a hotel. Surprise!

I had half a mind to not be accomating when it comes to Celeste’s time because that’s just ridiculous. But at the same time, I want them to be a part of Celeste’s life and I don’t know how much of the “Surprise” was them changing their mind last minute, and how much of it was Jess not seeking to get dates and times soon enough.

Regardless, they’ll be here for 14 days and I won’t be seeing Celeste for most of it.

Jess and I worked out a decent plan. I get a bunch of days before and after to make up for the time when they are here. I also get two evenings throughout their stay so that it’s not so long without so much as even seeing her. And finally, I’ve got preapproval to do something similar myself in the fall so I can take Celeste to New York and Vermont for 4 to 6 days.

It’s going to be a long, hard two weeks. Thankfully, I’m lining up distractions.

The 4th of July!

I’ve got Celeste with me for five days in a row. In these five days there are three days off of work. We have some plans but, for the most part, I’m just packing very full bags and playing it all by ear.

There are tentative plans to go to a Splash Park Friday morning. There are more tentative plans to see Fireworks in Addison or possibly Carrollton on Friday night. There are fairly solid plans to see fireworks in Grapevine on Saturday night. The rest is unknown. I’m sure there will be swimming and singing and playing and book reading and sidewalk chalk — always sidewalk chalk.

My Birthday!

My Birthday is July 8th and it’s one of the days I’ve worked out to have with Celeste. So that’s extra nice, especially since I spent my last birthday without her (or anyone, actually) when Jess took her to Canada. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m doing it but, really, as long as I have Celeste there I’m doing better than I ever have before. More than likely, whatever it is, you’re invited. I rarely turn down the opportunity for good company.

Home Improvement

I’m hoping to build a headboard and put down hard flooring upstairs which Celeste is away. I’m still seeking help and arrangements for getting the flooring done. The headboard I can do myself. If I can’t do the flooring, I’ll tackle a few organization projects instead. Company both welcome and greatly apprecaited.

SPOON!

Saturday, July 11th, myself and 9 other people will be traveling to the great city of Austin, TX is order to witness live musicians calling themselves “Spoon” perform on stage at Stubb’s.

Several of my favorite people will be there with me and this promises to epic.

The Gulf Coast

The day after Spoon, as everyone else heads back to DFW myself and two good friends will travel to the Texas Gulf Coast for four days. Yes, I’ve never been. I know that’s sad. Despite claims from some that it is nothing but a swampy shithole, I’m confident that the opportunties for photographic, culinary, social, mental, and personal stimulation will be plenty. Plus, we’ve got our very own Spirit Guide.

I’ve been in swampy shitholes before and came out smiling. The greatest competition toward enjoyment will come from the same three places they usually do no matter where I am: the humidity, the bugs, and my own mind.

I don’t have any details on where we’re going other than “that way”. I don’t know where I’m staying, where I’m eating, or which spots are on the list of “must-sees”. I’m, hopefully, working all of that out over the next few days.

The worst part

One of the only truly difficult parts about being separated from Jess is being without my daughter. When all of this finally started working itself into what it is today, I knew there would come a time where I would have to go without her for much longer than I care to. Now is that time.

It makes me sad that it has to be like this. It makes me sad that in the middle of it all there might be a sad, confused little girl who wants her Daddy and can’t figure out why no one will let her see him or — worse — why he’s not coming to see her like he always does. I hope and pray that she’s not old enough to feel that this time around and that when the next time comes she might be old enough to understand.

But still, tears stream down my face as I write these words and I can’t make them stop. Because I understand the hows and whys of it all, as much as it hurts to be away from her, I can get by. In the end, though I may be sad, I’ll be okay. But it breaks my heart over and over again to think of what she might go through.

My greatest hope is that the distraction provided by her grandparents will be enough to keep her from noticing too often and that they will plan some activities for her to keep her active and entertained as opposed to sitting around avoiding the nasty Texas heat as we are so often inclined to do.

Finally, I hope that if she really gets distressed that Jess and my inlaws will find it somewhere in themselves to invite me over for a few hours in order to show my little girl that her daddy isn’t gone forever.

day one?

Apr 8th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

(I can’t keep track of what’s supposed to be a secret anymore and what isn’t. Or maybe I just don’t care enough anymore to keep track. All I know is I hate writing in LiveJournal these days, so, this is public.)

I’ve been up since 5am, cleaning, paying bills, and doing chores. I’ve got about 15 minutes free before I have to rush to take a shower, get dressed, get Celeste up, feed her, rush her to daycare and get to work. And I’ve decided to spend them with you. Awww, ain’t that sweet.

Jess moved out this past weekend. Her place is very nice. I was worried about what kind of apartment one could find for what Jess can afford but, it’s actually quite nice and I feel very confident that Jess and Celeste will be safe there.

I got another surprise (to me, not to Jess) visit from my Father-In-Law. He helped make sure Jess was on her feet and I certainly can’t fault him for that, I’d do the same. I’m still not sure why it had to be a secret. Jess decided to go to work on Monday and he was still here and, of course, wanting to see his granddaughter. So I ended up taking Monday off of work to hang out with him and take care of Celeste. It actually wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It wasn’t great either.

I tried to keep as many people around as possible while he was here and while the move was happening but, alas, at midnight or so Saturday night he cornered me alone. I don’t mind talking to him. It’s easier than talking to Jess, actually, because he speaks his mind and he tries to understand. The only bad side is that he is arguing FOR Jess with the bias that a father SHOULD have toward his daughter. Which doesn’t really make him a very good mediator. So, thanks to that conversation my situation is now a little more difficult than it was before he came. But, it’ll all work itself in the end. Maybe even for the better. Only time will tell.

Jess leaving is bittersweet. As I said (in divorce, death, and the afterlife) getting a fresh start is something I’m looking forward to. But there is some sadness there too.

Most importantly, I’m sad about the end of our ability and means to parent Celeste together. Even with Jess and I maintaining very different schedules and me spending a lot of time alone with Celeste, there were still plenty of moments, however brief, that we parented her together. Watching her run back and forth between us with a smile on her face is something I’ll forever miss.

Being able to get even the smallest of things done around the house because there were another set of hands around to care for the baby means more than can easily be explained, too. Even though it only happened once in a while, it was enough to get by and keep things sane.

There’s also a ton of mess left behind. Bedding upstairs that she slept on for one night. Her dad’s bed in the playroom. Boxes and bags full of stuff she hasn’t picked up yet laying all over the master bedroom. A garage full of stuff that needs to be sorted out. A dresser full of clothes. The good side is that, it seems, 80% of the stuff in our master bedroom closet was hers. So, reorganizing that might even be a task I can do with Celeste’s help now.

Finally, I’m worried that we may never be able to tie up the few loose ends we have with our situation. With her in this house, every now and then we got a chance to take and take little baby steps closer to the end. With her being gone, I’m not sure we’ll ever get there. Only there has to be an end. So, I’m not sure what that will take, but I’m sure I won’t like it.

Okay, that’s way more than 15 minutes. Now I’m going to be late. Send love. And, hey, let’s hang out some time.

NOTICE: Oh and if you know of any single moms or dads who would be interested in having a very caring and super awesome roommate (ok… maybe I’m a bit biased there) who would give them an awesome deal on rent and/or pay them for live in nanny services, please have them email or call me. I’m very serious.

the state of the daniel

Mar 12th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

I can’t even remember *WHERE* I’m supposed to write any more, so I’m just writing here because I can. I’m not really all that happy with LiveJournal right now and I’m thinking I will find some other place to share my “locked” entries. Not really sure where.

So anyway… this will be sort of freeform stream of consciousness. Welcome to my mind.

Celeste and I are going to Mike and Lisa’s house for dinner and a playdate tonight. Should be fun. I really enjoy my friends and love that they feel personally invested in my child. It’s that whole village thing. And I’m meeting my friend Mario for lunch today since he’s in town for training, which is awesome.

Jess said she wants to stay home with Celeste Friday night and I’m torn about what I should do. I feel like I should take the opportunity for a small break and go out and do something once she goes to bed. Even if it’s just a cup of coffee alone or with a friend or two. Yet, at the same time I know I have a ton of housework and chores that I could get gone if I stayed home. And this second option has the added bonus of letting me be there for Celeste if she wakes up in the night. Not that Jess can’t take care of her — that’s not it at all — it’s just that I really enjoy being there for my daughter. Maybe I could create the best of both worlds by having a few people over for a coffee or drinks and a movie. Anyone interested?

Saturday morning Jess is also staying with Celeste. Maybe I’ll run out early that morning and photograph a bit, which I haven’t done in ages. Other than that, I’m sure I’ll stick around the house, do some cleaning, and enjoy Celeste until 11am or so. Jess is taking her on a lunch date with a few friends until about 2:30pm.

I try to invite Jess to any event that I’ll be taking the baby to. Jess is very important in Celeste’s life and I would never want to limit the time the two of them can spend together as long as I can be included too. I’m sad that Jess doesn’t share this same value. However, at the same time I fully realize that I can not dictate the choices Jess makes and have to start getting used to living in the world where I can’t see my daughter whenever I want. It’s a sad, sad world, but it is, unfortunately, my new reality. Even with that, though, I don’t think I’ll ever get to the point where I stop inviting Jess. It’s just too important to me.

After her lunch date, Celeste and I will be headed to a birthday party for Joel and Emily’s daughter which ends at 5pm. After that, I’m really not sure what Celeste and  are doing. Maybe I’ll head out to Keller and spend the night at my mom’s? Or maybe head home and have a quiet evening in? I usually like to pack the weekends with fun stuff because so much of the week is spent with just Celeste and I at home. Anyone want to have some sort of kid friendly gathering Saturday night? I can host if desired, or travel.

Sunday we’ll probably spend at my mom’s as usual. I’m not sure if Jess is coming or not. Even though it’s such a long drive to do every single week, I really like Sunday’s because my mom’s house ends up being full of people that love me and my daughter and that just makes me so happy. Again… that village thing.

And that’s it. The state of the Daniel… or at least, the future of the Daniel for the next few days. Gotta run.

Camping / Jess’ Birthday 9/5-7

Aug 12th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

Who: YOU!!!
What: Camping and Jess’ Birthday Gathering
When: September 5th through 7th (Jess’ party will be on the 6th)
Where: Lake Ray Roberts Campground (Entrance Fee: $5/day or $60 parks pass/car, $12/camp site)
Why: Why the hell not?!

We’ll be camping at Lake Ray Roberts the weekend of September 5th. We’ll hold a birthday BBQ shindig for Jess at the park around 1pm or so on that Saturday. If you’re camping, you’re already there! If you’d like to join us, please let me know before August 25th.

This is a state park so public consumption of alcohol is not allowed. You can get away with it if you’re careful and considerate. Yes, this sucks for some. If you know of a better place to camp near the metroplex that can also host a group of non-campers for a birthday party then let me know ASAP.

my wife is amazing

May 1st, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

I am absolutely amazed by the compassion and dedication my wife has.

For the last 4 months (not to mention the 41 weeks before that) my beautiful wife has spent every single day caring for our baby girl. You probably don’t fully understand with that means without some qualifications, so let me elaborate.

Our daughter is breast fed. That means the sole source of nutrition our daughter receives comes from Jess. Every meal, every 2 hours (give or take), every single day, comes from Jess. On top of that, Jess doesn’t pump. That means that not only did Jess produce every single ounce of nourishment for our child, but also that every single drop was fed to her directly by Jess. There were no I-don’t-feel-goods, not-todays, maybe-some-other-times, i’ll-wait-till-tomorrows, or can’t-someone-else-do-its. She’s never had a break. Not even one. Without supplementing the baby’s food or pumping breast milk, Jess really can’t be away from our daughter for more than an hour and a half, tops, and even that is rare. And, it goes without saying that we don’t employ any form of day care or nanny service either. While I try to spend as much time with my little girl in the evenings and on weekends as I can, Jess is also the primary care giver 90% of the time, if not more.

I am so proud of her for sticking through this because she knows that this is what is best for Celeste. She knows that no one can produce anything more nourishing to our daughter than she can, and that no other method of feeding creates the bonds that our daughter deserves, and that no one is more fit to raise our child than we are. It’s even more amazing because she has known all along that at any moment she can ask for a break, no one will think poorly of her or as though she hasn’t done her part, and she can go right back to it when she’s ready. But she’s never asked for more than a few moments to take a hot bath.

As incredible as she is I’m very grateful that this first stage of formulative years is coming to an end. She deserves a break and I’m looking forward to seeing her have one, to doing my part, and to enjoying a break or two with her.

My wife is simply amazing.