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life

shared living: searching for community

May 4th, 2010
by Jim Reverend.
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image by 27147

As we live a life of ease
Every one of us has all we need,
Sky of blue, and sea green,
In our yellow submarine!

I’m amazed at how many of my friends are interested in living together. It makes me believe that maybe the culture I’m looking for here in Dallas isn’t lost after all. I’ve seen an outpouring of ideas and offers from lots of people over the past week or so and it’s really helped me flesh this out a bit.

One of the most interesting offers was to share a home with a family in Austin. The family is already very dear to my heart and like-minded in terms of family and responsibility. And I long ago decided that Austin was an ideal city for me if I was going to stay in Texas. This seemed like a perfect situation.

But, the more I consider it the more I realize how much risk and difficulty there is involved with it. I’d have to take C away from her Mom. It’s only a few hours away and she’d still be able to see her almost as often as she’d like. But, it adds some complication. Factor in that I’d need to drop everything, move, look for a job, rent out my house, and leave everything I know and love here in DFW, it was just too much to do all at once. I still think this is ideal, and if I haven’t found what I’m looking for in Dallas within a few years, I’ll start looking out that way again. But for now, I think I have to let that go.

Another amazing offer I received was to share a home with a family in North Richland Hills. This place is beautiful! There’s lots of room! I’ve been friends (though not incredibly close friends) with half of the parental unit for over 10 years. I met the rest of the family and we all got along wonderfully. I’m still having conversations with them and working some bits out in my head.

But, as I see it now, there are a few limiting factors. Despite being a huge home, there are only 4 bedrooms. 3 of them are occupied by this family, so C and I would share a room. We do that now, so that’s okay. But as she gets older I’d prefer she share with another child. There’s nothing to say she couldn’t share with one of the other kids though. So that’s a wait-and-see kind of thing. The other limiting factor is that this house very much belongs to this family. I had envisioned a “our home” mentality and perhaps this would blossom into that as time progressed, but that isn’t the feel I got right away. So, another wait-and-see. The biggest limiting factor, though, is that, because after I move in all the rooms would be taken, it will be, at most, a two family home. Again, the family there said that there might be opportunity for more but wants to do it on a wait-and-see basis. So there’s a whole lot of wait-and-see.

I’m okay with wait-and-see. But I’d like to limit the disruptions to my daughter’s life as much as possible. With a move, a change in schooling/daycare, a whole new city, and the need to untie us from our current house, that’s a LOT to go with for so much wait-and-see. I’m still talking with them, and we’re going to have lots of sleep overs in the future, both to see where this goes and also because I’m excited to have met a friendly, open, like-minded family with an open-door policy so similar to my own.

So that leaves me with three options for now. I intend to pursue all three until one pans out.

I am going to keep looking for an existing home that I could share with another family. Ideally, there’d be room for at least three families but I’m flexible there for the right situation. Proximity to Irving, Denton, or Dallas is ideal, though not required. If you know of anyone that lives in a home with a room or two that they would spare and are interested in an intentional community of this nature, please let me know or send them my way.

I am going to think of ways to make my current home more suited to multi-family living and seek out families to share it with. I got an offer from a friend who would be willing to share my home. However, with her and her daughter here, that exhausts all of the “conventional” sleeping space my home has to offer (and that’s with our daughters sharing a room). The rooms in my house are large, however. So I’m looking for creative ways to split them into smaller spaces suitable for children as well adults who would consider even more open-minded living arrangements (like large rooms being shared by adults, etc). If you’re creative and budget-minded and would like to help me think of ways to split up this space let me know. If you would be open to “interesting” living arrangements with a very small financial obligation, contact me.

Finally, I’m looking to buy a home more suitable to what I want. Something large-ish with emphasis on the number of rooms not the size of them. Ideally in the Denton, Coppell, or Dallas (Oak Cliff, likely) areas. If you know of a home like this, or would be interested in helping to find one and share it, please let me know.

the glass is half full

Aug 18th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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ducks on a pond

ducks on a pond

I always so actively share the bad, the negative, and the difficult aspects of my life, that I probably leave the impression that there is no goodness or happiness to be found here. This could not be farther from the truth.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a perfectly good or a perfectly bad anything. There’s always a mixture of goods and not-so-bads and, sometimes, bads and not-so-goods. But all-in-all my life is pretty fantastic.

I have a good job.

I complain about it a lot, it takes up a lot of my time, and the work has slowly declined from “interesting and exciting” to “life-threateningly dull”.

But it’s a job. A good job that earns me lots of respect and a very decent wage. In these hard times, that’s saying a lot. And every day I get closer and closer toward self-employment.

I have a house.

I complain about it a lot, parts of it are too empty, and other parts of it are too full. It doesn’t have enough storage space, the kitchen doesn’t have enough light, and the walls that surround the kitchen aren’t as open as I’d like them to be. My yard is insane, and no matter what I do I can’t seem to keep the weeds at bay.

But, it’s a nice house. It’s mine. It’s provides shelter for Celeste and I and gives me the freedom to offer a bed for the night, or a room for the month to friends and family. My neighborhood is safe to walk in and is spotted with beautiful parks and a pool. I’m a short drive from a great number of city and state parks if I want to get even further out.

I have a nice car. A very nice car.

It’s not perfect. It’s not luxury. It costs too much. It’s not exactly what I want.

But it’s safe, it’s comfortable, it’s gets me around, it holds everything I need, and has room for 2-5 more people (depending on how much you like to squish). Plus it gets decent gas mileage and has good 4-wheel drive when needed.

I have a beautiful, smart, amazing daughter who loves me very much.

I complain about how hard it is to be a single dad, or how cranky she can get when she is being thrown back and forth from home to home with two different sets of rules and two different schedules. I complain about how much I miss her when she’s not around.

But our time together is amazing. We teach each other so much and she brings so much joy to every second I am with her. She is the brightest spot in my every day. She makes me want to be a better person and reminds me that the simple pleasures in life are often the greatest.

I have a small handful of very good friends.

I complain a lot about how people never drive to visit me. How they don’t understand what it’s like to try to kill time with a toddler because they couldn’t get their ass ready in time to be where they said they’d be when they said they’d be there. I complain about how it never seems to be fair or even and how the supposed two-way streets of friendship often seem to have traffic going in only one direction.

But… that isn’t all of my friends. There are some who call or email just to check in on me. Some that that offer to cook me dinner, even in my own home, for no reason other than that they’d like to see me. I know at least 3 moms that I communicate with on a nearly daily basis that love and care for their children in ways very similar to my own. I have great respect for them and offer as much of myself to them as I can. They offer me support and kindness and friendship and even an innocent flirt from time to time. The remind me that no one is perfect and every day is its own success and its own reward. They welcome Celeste and me into their families and often reach out to us when they feel we are too distant or that we might be in need of company. I have other friends, with and without kids, that genuinely care and regularly offer themselves into my life in various capacities. Though they may not be numerous, what they lack in quantity they surely make up for in quality.

One friend in particular, who happens to be an amazing mom of four kind, beautiful children, said this to me yesterday when I was particular upset that turned my entire day around.

Daniel, very very few people love or care as much or as deeply as you do. You are one of the most caring people I have ever come to know.

All of these words to say, my life is quite good. While, more often than not, my complaints are valid, if you should find yourself on the receiving end of my venting, after expressing a little compassion and understanding, you should probably kick me in the ass and remind me that my life really is fantastic.

(I chose this photograph because, just like my life, it is not perfect. But it’s beautiful, and full, and enjoyable just the same.)

this is the point: to live

Aug 11th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet
in the middle

in the middle

1) As a friend pointed out today, life is a journey, not a destination. The potholes along the way are unimportant, and where we end up when we finally stop matters the least of all. What does matter is how we get there, and what we learn along the way. There’s a quotation supposedly in Playboy magazine from Stanley Kubrick that is fitting:

The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism — and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong — and lucky — he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s élan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death — however mutable man may be able to make them — our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.

2) I’m managing to recapture some faith in myself. Not only my ability to “do it” but my ability to do it “alone” if necessary.

jumbled above

jumbled above

3) I’m also regaining faith in my own intuition. For a while it was as though I had intuition vertigo. I could manage to work it out, but it was always too late and only with great effort. It became such a chore that I stopped relying on it at all. Slowly, I’m finding focus and stability there and I’m relearning how to trust that sense. 4) I no longer feel so driven to produce something notable. It’s not that I don’t want to, or that I don’t have the desire to do so. Not at all. But there was a time where I thought that life was pointless if I didn’t do something memorable. I realize now that life is still pointless even if I do — except that it isn’t. When focused on a destination, it is pointless. When focused on the journey life’s point becomes clear — THE POINT IS TO LIVE! 5) The more I reach out to people, the more alone I feel. And when I stop reaching, yet remain open to contact, the more that I find that life reaches out to me. I just need to be ready to grab it.

better?

Aug 7th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

better?A friend recently told me that my brain runs too fast analyzing what’s being said and thinking of what to say next that it makes it hard for me to be a good listener. She’s probably right. I had always thought that knowing exactly what to say at the right time is what sorted out the good listeners from the bad ones. But I realized, when she said that, that sometimes there isn’t anything someone can say. Sometimes, there isn’t an answer. And when there isn’t, I suck at it.

Whatever skill needs to be employed in those cases — to listen without having the answer — is probably useful just the same even when there is an answer. That skill, whatever it is, is one that I don’t seem to have. But if I did, and this is just conjecture, it would make me a better listener in all cases. So I’m looking for that skill.

I keep a text file on my computer named “things I should never forget”. It’s mostly just small quotes from various people and links to whatever they came from. It’s full of good things. Things like:

It’s getting immensely easier to enjoy living as I stop trying to prove a point to anyone and just do what’s good.

–Farris Goldstein

Yesterday I added a new bit of knowledge to this book of my life:

Don’t be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.

– Joey Comeau

It’s no wonder it has become so easy for us, as a society, to tell lies and half truths to get what we want. We’ve seen it used over and over again as a tactic for pacification since we were so very young.

Imagine you’re a young child. Your father is about to leave for the day and you don’t want him to. Your father told you he’d be back at the end of the day and covered you in hugs and kisses, but that it didn’t help to ease you. He told you didn’t want to go but that he had to. That didn’t help much either. Then, another adult tells you that your father is really just going to get you a snack, and that he’ll be right back. That makes you feel better. You stop crying and your father leaves. You’re happy to go on playing and wait for him to return. But he doesn’t. Not until much later that evening. After you’ve glanced at the door so many times that you eventually stop looking. When you see him you’re so happy that he’s there that you almost forget that it took longer than you expected. Almost. But day after day, time after time, over and over again, it sticks and you remember. You learn that people lie to get what they want. They lie to innocent children and they lie to other lying adults. Lying is a fact of life, a required tool. A tool requiring mastery.

When there are turtles under the bridge, when there are fish in the pond,when the birds sing us home, when there’s a frog in the car that we can’t get out, life is good. And those little laughs, the little giggles, the little smiles, make everything that much more amazing and bring warmth to even the coldest days. I am inspired by her, every day, to be more like I want to be. Whoever said parenting is a zero sum game

places we go

Jul 21st, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

the places we go

There are places we go, deep in the woods, in a song, in our minds.

The movement of arms and the pulling of shirt halts the dream.

Reality snaps back in place: A soft smile under dark glasses.

A closed fist and a deep breath bring peace again. Temporarily.

Count to 10. Suddenly it almost didn’t happen.

Almost.

Texas Coast, Day IV

Jul 15th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

Sunrise on Aransas Pass

sunrise over aransas pass

Sunrise on Aransas Pass

I woke up before the sun and headed down toward Port Aransas to find a good spot to catch the sunrise. I guess I didn’t look very closely at the map before I plotted my course, because I didn’t realize there was a ferry between where I was and Port Aransas. Opting not to spend the time and money on the ferry, I found a decent spot on the pass just before the ferry and set up.

Later that day as we were well on our way to Galveston I would realize that, having avoided that ferry trip meant that I didn’t see Port Aransas at all. Looks like I’ll have to come back. Which is okay by me.

The Big Tree

Just North of Rockport, Texas lives an oak tree estimated to be over 1,000 years old. It’s quite beautiful and absolutely amazing to look at and consider all of the winters and summers and storms the tree has seen. The parks system has built metal crutches to hold up some of its limbs, planted grass below it’s spanning branches, built a chain link fence around it, and posted bad poems on large signs near by to commemorate it. Clearly, they are trying to protect the tree and help it to live another 1,000 years. But in reality they are only isolating it and shutting it off from the environment it’s known for 1,000 years.

Sometimes we don’t realize that by trying to prevent change in something, we end up changing it the most. That which lives, let it live.

Galveston

salt water reeds

salt water grass

I didn’t realize Galveston is as large as it is, so that was my first surprise. My second surprise was how unpopulated it was. Of course, it was the middle of a week, on a very hot day, and the region is still recovering from a bad hurricane. So, that makes sense.

None the less, I had a good time photographing the old buildings, eating good food on the bay, and walking along the seawall.

Bolivar

The Bolivar Peninsula, or what little of it I’ve seen so far, is quaint. It reminds me a bit of Manitoulin Island in that it seems to have it’s own vibe and it’s own way of life separate from the communities that surround it. Last night, well after midnight, I stood on the beach and felt the wind blow through my hair and listened to the waves crash into the shore. In that moment, I feel infinite. I felt not like Daniel, not like Human, not like Earthling, but like one single organ in the larger being that is Universe.

Finer Points

Jul 9th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

I don’t dare to say that anyone’s life is perfect. Despite outward appearances, we all have hardships and difficulties. It’s these very things that make the sweeter things sweet. However, Erin (of BlueBirdBaby) and her life continue to inspire me as an artist, a parent, a lover of nature, and a member of the human race.

Recently, she’s begun to share the words of Sasa, a significant person in her life and the life of her daughter, on her site as well. I take the following words from him posted on my birthday and share them with you:

It is amazing to me how quickly things can change. How sun follows storm, how clouds follow clarity, how time follows eternity. And yet there is something always there, aware and present to notice every thing. From the simple joy of seeing the moon again for the first time, to the frenzy of fireworks filling the sky, it is all there for us.

We are such cyclical creatures. It’s not a curse or a blessing, it’s simply what we are. We have been indelibly shaped by our tides, our planet, its rotation, and its orbit around the closest star, our sun. Under the gentle hand of our creator, these little pushes and pulls in all different and unseen directions have led us here, shaped the moutains and the sea, created night and day, and gave birth to four generous seasons. We are creatures dependant on our planet’s rotation; Dependant on its orbit around the sun for our very survial; Dependant on these cycles.

I wish to live my life in concert with what created me, not in direct opposition to it. I wish to blur the lines between which parts of the world are me and which parts are not. I wish to welcome each season against my skin instead of shutting it outside, closing all the doors, and blasting the air conditioning or stoking the furnace to force out what sneaks in the cracks.

I will find peace in a handful of sand. I will feel comfort in the mud between my toes. I will be refreshed by a heavy summer rain. I will be lulled to sleep by the gentle tug of the moon. And I wish for my daughter to find these same things and more in the world from which she was born.

It matters not if my she is wealthy or famous. It matters not if she is the biggest, the brightest, or the best. For her I only want peace. Peace found within ourselves aided only by the map that our creator has drawn time and time again all around us. And from this peace great love, happiness, and communion with others will spring forth. And the finer points of what it means to live here and now will be evident. I wish that my daughter would find naturally what has taken me thirty-one years to look for in all the wrong places. And I intend to be sure she has every tool she needds to find it. And in this great design, those tools are all free of charge.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you, for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

-Kahlil Gibran

I’m older than I’ve ever been

Jul 8th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
8 comments

Today is my birthday.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I have for the 31st time in my life successfully circumnavigated the sun. Quite an accomplishment, I know. It wouldn’t have been possible without my mom, my dad, gravity, and inertia, all of whom I’d like to thank on this momentous occassion.

Ha.

In reality, there’s nothing more significant about today than there was yesterday or will be tomorrow. We could just as easily celebrate birth months, birth weeks, or births at 500 day intervals. In fact, I once threw myself a 10,000th day alive party, just because.

Really, life should be celebrated every single day and at every possible opportunity, because, despite being abundant here, it is so very precious.

But, there is a tradition in our society to celebrate a person on the day of their birth. And it is that tradition, not the actual event, that makes today special for me. The day is only 10 hours old and already so many friends and family have texted, called, emailed, and sent photographs wishing me a happy birthday. It is so very appreciated. Thank you all for helping to make this day special.

I spent my 30th birthday alone in Syracuse, NY. My wife and 7 month old daughter had left for Canada the day before to visit her parents and I was to follow 3 days later. I’d wanted so badly to spend the time together but it just didn’t happen. And even though, just like today, that particular day was not really any more important than any other day, the tradition placed on it made it feel more important. And the round number of “30″ made it seem more important too. Therefore, it made me feel very sad to not have those I loved dearest close to me then.

But this birthday will not be that way. Despite the fact that Celeste’s grandparents are in town for the next two weeks to visit her, I’m seeing her tonight. I don’t have anything planned, but spending time with my daughter will be more than enough. No matter how amazing my life was before her, with her in it, everything is bigger and better and more important than it ever was before.

So today, on my birthday, I am grateful for Jess and all the family and friends that have played a role in bringing her into this world and shaping her life and making her who she is. I can say, without a doubt, that Celeste has the best chosen family on the face of the planet.

Of course, as always, I welcome and appreciate spending time with people I care about. If you’re without plans this evening (or Thursday, or Friday), or have plans worth cancelling, and would like to join us to go swimming, go for a walk, have a nice dinner, watch a movie at home, have a beer or two, or just stand out on the front porch and talk as the sun sets, I’d love that. You know how to reach me.

and what about the kitties?!

Mar 18th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

Many of you seem to be indicating that the best solution to my housing problem is to live with my parents.

I’m beginning to see the light and am slowly starting to accept the possibility and consider it fully. The other option I’m considering is just staying where I am and letting them try to get blood out of a stone.

If I move in with my parents, there are lots of tiny problems that arise.

I’ll have to get a storage facility to put my stuff in or just sell it or burn it. Not fun but doable.

I’ll have to make trips back to the house to ensure it’s being maintained, to make repairs, and to generally play landlord. Not fun but doable.

But what about the kitties?

We have two cats. I got Toby as a kitten in 1999. He’s 10 years old and he’s been with me through a lot. Just after Jess and I got married, we decided to get, Miette together, also as a kitten. Jess is claiming no responsibility for either cat so, just like everything else, it falls on me.

My mom is very allergic to cats. It would be okay if I could keep them upstairs, but they are cats. Cats don’t like being kept anywhere. Even if I could manage to contain them, I’d have to deal with the destruction they’d perform on house while being contained. Ideally, I’d find some happy, wonderful place for them to live and then I’d miss my dear cats terribly every day there after. But where? Any ideas?

Reasons to stay?

Aside from moving in with my parents, the other ideas are not so good. So… what about just saying there and toughing it out.

If I do decide to stay put, I can refinance my house and shave off another $100. I’ve already got this mapped out and haven’t even really shopped around much. I might be able to shave off a little more on top of that.

It’s nice to have my own place. Eventually, I will be able to sell the house. If I’m still living there, I can leave it on the market, continue to make improvements, and decide what to do in the event that someone does want to buy it. I can always live with my parents as we transition from one house to another should that occur. And it will happen eventually, just probably not tomorrow. In the mean time, I can make it as livable and as happy as I want it to be and continue to seek a room mate that will actually get along with me and will work with me to make both of our lives better.

Thoughts?

this old house

Mar 18th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
17 comments

It looks like I’m getting stuck with the house (and the SUV and the credit card debt). So I’m trying to decide how best to work that out and I’m hoping that writing it out and your advice together will help me find the best solution.

(This is really not about why I’m stuck with these things or ways around that. If you’ve got something to say along those lines, let’s save that discussion for some other place. What I need here is advice assuming that I am stuck.)

THE PROBLEM

The problem is that we still owe $150k on the house. In this market, I’d be lucky if I could get $125k for it. Recent home sales in my area are going for $77/sqft (which would fetch me about $175k) but with 120 days on the market and very few actual sales despite the number of signs up in my neighborhood. As Jess and I learned a while back, they simply aren’t selling for a reasonable price due to the foreclosures. So, that leaves me $25k (or more) in the negative. That’s $25k I simply don’t have to throw at this problem. So selling the house is not an option.

I spoke to a mortgage guy. I simply don’t make enough money to qualify for TWO homes, so renting this one out at a loss and buying another, much cheaper house is not an option unless I start making more money. Recent changes in the mortgage industry keep me from using the rental income to qualify for the second home. So buying another house is out.

My “wife” is asking for child support as well. With a house 3 times bigger than little ole Celeste and I need, a car payment that’s about 50% higher than would be ideal, and credit card debt out the wazoo, I’m living on the edge of my means. Coming up with child support seems impossible. All of these things made sense when we were a team
working together to solve a problem. At two separate entities seemingly working against each other at times, it just doesn’t work.

POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS

An apartment
I could move into my mom and dad’s house temporarily and try to rent my house. Once it rented, I could try to find an apartment for Celeste and I.

I’d probably have to rent for less than I pay in mortgage. I pay $1400/mo in mortgage stuff, plus another $600 or so in utilities — $2000 total. If I could rent my house for $1000/mo and find a cheap — I hate using that work in relation to apartments — cheap apartment for us — say $800/mo or so. I might be okay. Utilities in an apartment shouldn’t run more than $200 which means, if I’m doing my math right, I’d have $600 more in my pocket each month than I would otherwise. That’s a start.

Of course, then I’d have to live in a “cheap” apartment which is not really what I want for my daughter.

Mom and Dad
My Mom and Dad are very generous. They’ve offered Celeste and I a place to stay that would include a room for each of us, food, utilities, and everything else you could imagine (including free day care) for free. We would basically have the entire upstairs of the house they have in Keller, a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood that’s just as close to where I work as where I live now.

This would allow me to seek a renter for my house (even at a rate lower than what I pay) and use the difference to pay for child support and start building up a bank of cash to use to help qualify for a new home in the future.

Of course the downsides are not having a place of our own, having limited ability to entertain guests (dates? hahaha), and having to live under their rules. However, we see eye-to-eye on most things so I don’t see this as too big of an issue.

Room Mate
I could find a room mate. I’ve even got enough space to take in a room mate with a child. The savings there could possibly offset some or all of the child support. But finding someone I trust to live with my daughter, that I get along with, and that is willing to live where I live may not be easy. Is this you? Do you know someone?

Abandonment
It’s really a bad idea, but I want to write it down so that I cover everything. I could just walk away from the house. Just let it rot. My credit will be ruined (and probably Jess’s too) and I’ll never again qualify for a house or a car or even a credit card. But, with the amount of money I’d save, within a few years time, I might be able to save up enough to pay enough cash to be considered for something. And, if I can sneak an apartment lease in there before my credit looks too nasty, I could afford a nicer place that might be more sustainable.

YOUR THOUGHTS

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Are there other options I haven’t considered? Which of these sounds the best to you?

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