It has been said that there is a time and a place for everything. Right now, I feel out of place and without time for anything.
Maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe I’m so driven that I’m missing subtle queues. Maybe I just never knew how to detect them in the first place. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe I need to push myself even more than before. Or maybe I shouldn’t be trying at all. Between the amount of guilt I feel and my ever decreasing self-esteem, it’s amazing I ever actually enjoy anything I do or have any people in my life that I really care about.
Maybe I need to pull deep inside myself. I could be that guy who always says he’s going to do something or be somewhere and then, at the last minute, decide not to go. The limits the amount of complaining I’d have to hear from people who want me to go and yet would still allow me to stay by myself away from people. I’ll stop answering emails and IMs and immediately as possible. I’ll stop doing favors for people. I might even outright ignore a message or two just because I want to. I might not even return some phone calls.
Maybe I need higher standards and a stronger code for what I’ll accept from others. I’ve always been very open both with myself and with others. I’ve always opted to let people do what people will do and have tried very hard not to let their lifestyle choices influence their worth to me. I’ve always been more than willing to let transgressions slide when presented with a reasonable excuse or explanation. I’ve always tried to find the good in people. Maybe I need to be more selective about who I associate with. Maybe I need to be more strict about what I’m willing to accept. Maybe I need to weed out those that don’t represent an immediate or future value to me. Maybe I need to shy away from those that threaten my current line of thought.
Maybe I need lower standards and a weaker code for myself. I’ve always held myself to nearly impossible standards in all aspects of life: at work, at home, with friends, to my country. Not do I constantly consider such things and occupy lots of time and energy on them, but, should I falter in some way, I beat myself up severely over it. Maybe I need to be less honest. Maybe I should be less up front, less truthful. Maybe when I feel I need it, I should manipulate people into saying things or doing things that will help me or make me feel better.
I don’t actually believe that any of this will make my life better and I’m almost certain I would like the person I would become even less than I like the person I am now. But there are lots of people practicing these exact same things and they seem to be sticking by it. Maybe it’s just one of those things you have to try to understand.