revjim.net

parenthood

what I want

Sep 18th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

A few years ago spending time with people that mattered to me and respected me was the most important thing in my life. That hasn’t changed. That still is what is most important. We are, after all, very social animals. Being social makes us happy. And, as I’ve said before, success is happiness.

But the people that I find myself surrounded by continues to change. As the core of my group grows and shrinks and mutates, those that support that core fluctuate as well. While staying out until 3am drinking and laughing and smoking and doing silly things that I should regret the next day but probably wont still sounds like a REALLY GOOD TIME, it just doesn’t happen. Not because of lack of opportunity and not because of lack of desire. There are merely more important things. No matter how drunk I get, no matter how loud I sing, no matter who I accidentally make out with, I wouldn’t trade the smile on my daughter’s face, and an early morning walk with her for it. No way.

But this isn’t about Celeste. I mean it is, but it isn’t. Because I wouldn’t trade a happy smile and a nice morning walk with anyone I care about for a night of carelessness and lack of inhibitions. For me, an intimate moment with someone I care about has always been more important. Now, if I can have both, then I’ll take it.

This isn’t a holier than thou thing. There’s nothing wrong with preferring the super-social acts of silliness and debauchery over a quiet, happy, peaceful moment. Everyone is built differently. I’m not knocking those of you who would prefer to stay out late and party. In fact, if I can find a way to get what I want most and join you too, then I will.

Getting married, or finding a significant other, or having a child, or moving within walking distance of your closest friends changes things for people like me. It isn’t because I’ve changed who I am. And it isn’t because the event or other person changes me. It is, instead, because with that change comes that which I seek the most. And, in having it, I choose it over and over again.

So that’s where I am. That’s where I’ve always been. I seek intimacy and closeness. I seek it in all of it’s forms. I seek it as often as I can have it. And I seek it in ways that allow me to have even more of it, instead of in ways that would limit me from finding it. Often that means being around people with the same priority pattern because it just works out that way. But it doesn’t have to.

I still like being super-social and wild too. Believe me, I’ve still got it in me. And if I can find a way to do both, I will. And if being super-social is on the top if your list, but an intimate, close moment with a good friend sounds enjoyable too, then maybe we can work it out to where we both get what we want.

I’m learning that anything is possible. ANYTHING.

breaking horses

May 27th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
3 comments

(While this is, specifically, about raising children, the same basic struggle can be applied to nearly every action I take and every thought that runs through my brain. Internal conflict abounds.)

There is a fine line between letting a child be a child and letting a child run wild. Or, put another way, there is a fine line between controlling a child and directing a child. Even at my daughter’s young age of 17 months I feel this. Every day.

On one hand, I want to clear everything dangerous and harmful from her path, even if it means personal sacrifice doing without things I enjoy. And then just let her run free. Let her explore and investigate everything with no restrictions. I want to answer questions, provide guidance, bring comfort and love, and never EVER have to use the word “No”.

On the other hand, I want my daughter to grow up to be a fully functioning (yet independently thinking) member of society. This means understanding that one cannot have everything they see. That, often, the answer is, indeed, “No”. And that, no matter who you are, where you live, or what you do, there is always someone you must answer to. Modern society provides a lot of amazing, wonderful, life enriching, life extending things. But, they are bittersweet when the come with such a cynical ceiling.

I don’t know anything about horses. So it won’t do any good to nit-pick at the finer points of this argument. But, to me, preparing a child for society almost feels like breaking a horse. You have this beautiful, wild, untouchable creature. Roaming free, living free, eating free, and existing without any of the benefits that modern society can provide it. Through the process of breaking the horse (by force or trust or whatever) you have a creature, much the same as the original, yet different. This new creature understands what it is allowed to do and what it isn’t. You have a creature that, regardless of why, chooses to obey those rules, at least for now. And that understanding — that seemingly small change — is actually present in every thought and choice that horse makes from that point forward.

It seems to be the same with humans. In the beginning you have nothing but a child: wild, free, somewhat understanding of it’s own bounds, but with no understanding of the bounds society places on it, and no understanding regarding why it should care. And, in the end, you have member of modern day society.

In order to get from the wild child to the upright citizen, there is a process. It is that very process that I struggle with; That very process that makes me sad and, at the same time, proud.

I, of course, take the most gentle approach possible with my daughter — and, if I were in the business of breaking horses, would do the same then, I believe. I seek trust over force time and time again. And I’ve had some great success. However, it doesn’t come without great frustration. I am left wondering if there might be a better way. And I am filled with worry that it might not even be necessary at all. And these things scare me. A lot.

I don’t have any answers. Only questions.