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peace

all days like this

Jul 23rd, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I’ve slowly been intentionally revaluating my needs and desires, changing my expectations, and altering how I operate in order to find a way to live in greater harmony with the wants, desires, needs, and focuses of a young child as a single parent.

Celeste helps pot a plant

Celeste helps pot a plant

My practice (nor my theory) is anywhere close to perfect. But really, I don’t think the concept of perfect even applies here (or to most things, for that matter, but that that’s a tangent). However, every now and then everything just falls into place. And, thankfully, this is happening more and more often lately, despite the fact that my daughter is progressing deeper and deeper into what most people claim to be one of the least agreeable stages of childhood.

Yesterday, after picking my daughter up from daycare, we did the following:

  • Went shopping at a hardware store (one her least favorite places to shop because of my hesitation to let her explore with so many dangerous things around)
  • Planted 8 new plants outside
  • Repotted Henri (a basil plant I got for father’s day from Celeste (and Jess))
  • Pulled weeds
  • Took a shower
  • Made and ate dinner
  • Cleaned the kitchen
  • Did two loads of Laundry
  • Sweeped the living room, dining room, kitchen, and entry way
  • Cleaned her playroom
  • Went out for Ice Cream
  • Went to bed at a “reasonable” hour (reasonable for our lifestyle is any time before 9pm)
  • Went to sleep without argument

Of course all of this was done in between singing songs, drawing pictures, toddler dance parties, playing chase on the front sidewalk, digging in the dirt for fun, spraying eachother with the water hose, changing diapers, wiping noses, and the other usual things. And, since there’s no one here but her and I, it means all of this was done together or in close proximity. More interesting is that it was done all with only one small protest from her once that was quickly dodged.

I’m quite proud.

It was shockingly simple, really, and involved little more than throwing away any preprogrammed notions I have of what should or shouldn’t be and just following my instinct with little concern for anything outside of right now.

It encourages me not only to continue down this path with her, but to consider treating other aspects of my life in this same manner.

The best way to sum up the lesson I’ve learned is this:

Simply allow life to be great without demand for how or why. You will find more peace and happiness more often this way.

Finer Points

Jul 9th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

I don’t dare to say that anyone’s life is perfect. Despite outward appearances, we all have hardships and difficulties. It’s these very things that make the sweeter things sweet. However, Erin (of BlueBirdBaby) and her life continue to inspire me as an artist, a parent, a lover of nature, and a member of the human race.

Recently, she’s begun to share the words of Sasa, a significant person in her life and the life of her daughter, on her site as well. I take the following words from him posted on my birthday and share them with you:

It is amazing to me how quickly things can change. How sun follows storm, how clouds follow clarity, how time follows eternity. And yet there is something always there, aware and present to notice every thing. From the simple joy of seeing the moon again for the first time, to the frenzy of fireworks filling the sky, it is all there for us.

We are such cyclical creatures. It’s not a curse or a blessing, it’s simply what we are. We have been indelibly shaped by our tides, our planet, its rotation, and its orbit around the closest star, our sun. Under the gentle hand of our creator, these little pushes and pulls in all different and unseen directions have led us here, shaped the moutains and the sea, created night and day, and gave birth to four generous seasons. We are creatures dependant on our planet’s rotation; Dependant on its orbit around the sun for our very survial; Dependant on these cycles.

I wish to live my life in concert with what created me, not in direct opposition to it. I wish to blur the lines between which parts of the world are me and which parts are not. I wish to welcome each season against my skin instead of shutting it outside, closing all the doors, and blasting the air conditioning or stoking the furnace to force out what sneaks in the cracks.

I will find peace in a handful of sand. I will feel comfort in the mud between my toes. I will be refreshed by a heavy summer rain. I will be lulled to sleep by the gentle tug of the moon. And I wish for my daughter to find these same things and more in the world from which she was born.

It matters not if my she is wealthy or famous. It matters not if she is the biggest, the brightest, or the best. For her I only want peace. Peace found within ourselves aided only by the map that our creator has drawn time and time again all around us. And from this peace great love, happiness, and communion with others will spring forth. And the finer points of what it means to live here and now will be evident. I wish that my daughter would find naturally what has taken me thirty-one years to look for in all the wrong places. And I intend to be sure she has every tool she needds to find it. And in this great design, those tools are all free of charge.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you, for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

-Kahlil Gibran

corresponding paths

Apr 30th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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I miss Celeste a lot today. It’s easy to list hundreds of reasons why I’d feel this way, but nothing in particular jumps out as any different than any other day. I just do. More so than usual.

I think maybe it has to do with the way we said goodbye last night.

Jess had her for the evening and I stopped at Jess’ place just to visit for a bit. Celeste was already a little on the cranky side. Jess didn’t feel like cooking so we went out to eat. Being confined to a restaurant tends to make her even more cranky. Then we went back to Jess’ place and hung our for a bit. I got to play with her some but she was really irritable and very clingy to Jess. Eventually, Jess decided it was time for her to go to bed. Celeste didn’t like the idea so my goodbye was said through tears and whines.

on the way down

Of course, this happens when she is with me from time to time too. It’s not unusual. But the difference is, when I put her to bed on a cranky day I can cuddle her and sing her songs and play games until I know she is happy and everything is right with her world again. And when she wakes up in the morning and I can see that big smile on her face as she feeds me pretend crackers that she continues to pretend break off of a drink coaster. Even if it’s a rushed, mad dash, 30 minutes to get her awake, dressed, fed, and out the door, there’s enough time in there to just be and find that strand of peace between us.

So I guess I feel this way because I never got that peace in the end. I never got to feel like everything came back to center. Our lives — mine and Celeste’s — are, of course, very different with very different paths. Yet those paths are laid close to one another now, straying only slightly and crossing often. As we both grow our paths will take us different places but, hopefully, still cross as often as possible.

Last night, I never got the feeling that we reconnected and are back to corresponding points on our respective paths. I feel like one of us needs to slow down and the other speed up until we can meet there again. I just need that reassurance.

Jess has her again tonight, so it looks like it won’t be until Friday afternoon that I can see Celeste again and find that peace in her smile.

intensity

Aug 6th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

I can be intense. Too intense for some people, I think. I’m trying to work on this and figure out how to control it more.

Twice this week people I don’t communicate with very often have commented on how fast I respond to emails. A friend mentioned that she had forgotten while I was out of town how quickly one email turns into ten when I’m around. It’s true. I write fast. I think fast. I know what I want before it’s asked for. Everything I do is on overload and it’s this way constantly until i turn it off. Then it buzzes around in the back of my head as I block it out with TV, food, sleep, or the constant refreshing of internet pages that don’t update fast enough.

Sometimes, a big enough distraction (sensuality, art, passion, etc) comes along and focuses my attention for a time. This is when I really start to feel how intense I can be. My mind is still working at the same speed, but instead of jumping around from thing to thing inside and waiting for other people to catch up, it’s almost entirely focused. It feels good — REALLY GOOD — but it certainly takes some getting used to.

With the right intoxicants and in the right situations, my mind can slow down enough to allow me to enjoy several things at once and take in an entire situation in the same way that I see most people doing most of the time. It’s not that I don’t enjoy what I’m doing or the conversations I’m having when in my normal state, because I do. It’s just that my mind works through things quickly by default and it requires a lot of energy to slow it down. Like a good meal, I can still enjoy life when taken in small, fast bites, but it doesn’t taste the same as it does when I chew slowly and savor each bite.

So, I need to work on focusing more of my attention and intensity inwards. This will help me to decrease my expectations from others and will lead me to be less disappointed on a regular basis. It’ll also help me get a more constant feel for how intense I can be.

At the same time, I need to cherish those people who enjoy my intensity and allow myself to be wrapped tightly with them until they’ve had enough. I need to learn to encourage people to let me know when want the intensity and also to tell me when enough is enough before it becomes too much.

I also need to explore more methods for slowing myself down and focusing myself. I need to seek out more distractions: projects to channel energy into, people to share myself with, art to get lost in, sensuality to center myself with. I need to find people I trust to get into situations I am comfortable with to allow myself more opportunities to enjoy life under the slight influence of intoxicants. And finally, I need to find methods of slowing myself down and focusing internally so that I am able to control myself when I do not have friends to help, distractions to focus me, or chemicals to free me.

It’s a long road. This is the first step. If you can help, I’ll happily accept it.

releasing concern

Jul 10th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

a single thoughtThere’s a small, growing, unnamed peace that can be found in releasing concern. I was tempted to use say “that can be found in not caring”, but there is a difference. That subtle difference is what leads allows this to lead to peace instead of frustration. The Buddhists definitely have something there.

Last night I wanted to go for a walk in one of my favorite parks and make photographs under the storm clouds. Unfortunately the storm clouds began to rain and I was reluctant to even leave my hotel. With a few deep breaths I just let it go. I packed what I needed into my bag and headed out. I walked in the rain with my bag slung over my shoulder. My camera was in a cumbersome bag meant to protect it from water. Despite being difficult to use, I made a choice to not concern myself with the difficulty. I had to keep clearing the lens port of rain drops, my face was dripping into my eyes, my bag was soaked, my shirt was sticking to my chest, and I just didn’t care. I laughed. I damn near fell in the lake more than once. I said “hello” to the few people out walking in the rain. I loved every second of it.

There’s a big part of me that worries about everything and everyone. I spend so much time worrying that I forget to enjoy myself. I’m proud of myself that I am thoughtful, that I plan things through, that I consider others, that I worry about people. That makes me who I am and I wouldn’t change that. But, I need to learn to loosen up a bit too or all the planning and worrying will never lead to anything I can enjoy.

So that’s it. My big lesson of the day, founded, forged, and tested all in an evening under a rain cloud.

I wish Jet or Morgan could have been there. Of all the people I cherish in my life, I can think of no one that would have appreciated it more than them, and no one that I would have rather spent it with.