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To my health, part III: the hatred

Jun 24th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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(My first attempt at typing anything of great length on the T-Mobile G1. We’ll see how it goes.)

I had to go to three different places to drop off my stool samples due to doctor office error. The people in these places all ask the same questions and require the same things. All things my doctor didn’t bother to mention. And everyone is rude which i don’t quite get. I mean, the last person you want to piss off is the guy carrying a bag of his own feces.

My health insurance provider is trying to screw me too. Only one type of treatment seems to be working and they are telling me I’ve already maxxed out my visits for the year. So, I’m going to have to pay out of pocket.

What I need is someone that will do neck and upper back deep tissue massage for cheap or trade. Then I can throw bags of feces at my insurance company.

Two of the three drugs i was given seem to be working. I’m coughing less, breathing better, and quite ready for my conjugal visit. The third drug I haven’t even started yet due to the aforementioned bag of feces issue. So I’ll start that today.

All in all, I’m feeling better (and thank you all so much for your concern). Unfortunately, I also know that feeling better is part of the cycle. I want to break it this time.

My super hot friend Kim has convinced me to get extra hot and healthy by trying hot yoga. So I’ll be starting that this week or next. It’s gonna be HOT!

Oh and did you all know it’s crazy hat day today?

with three wide open lanes

Jun 13th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
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a day in

a day in

Writing really is theraputic, so I think I’ll keep it up.

Last night was a nice break. I got to hang out and let go with some new people and that’s really needed every now and then. Other people ended up staying later than I did but I just decided I was ready to go so I went. I’ve gotten much better in social situations recently, but, after a while I still get a little uncomfortable.

I was trying to explain this last night. The best social scenario for me is between 4 and 10 people in someone’s home. Don’t get me wrong, the crazy rockin’ party now and again is a blast too. But, over all, I’d prefer it laid back, casual, and intimate.

Maybe I’m just getting old.

As soon as I left Denton I realized I should have stayed a bit on the square and took some photographs. The light was beautiful and I wanted coffee anyways. But, by that time I was already half way home and didn’t want to turn back. So I went to starbucks, worked on a few things, and then did some late night shopping.

When I got home sometime after 11pm, the neighbors were outside having a few drinks so I joined them. We had some interesting conversations about spirituality and child rearing and personality types. I’m slowly starting to find the peace I once had within myself in regard to who I am and where I am going that I some how lost over the last 5 or 6 years. It’s nice to be “back” but I’m not pushing it too hard for fear that I’ll land on the other extreme.

I ended up in bed sometime after 1am and up before 7am, of course. I’m grateful for my internal clock though. It keeps me even most of the time, even if it refuses to let me sleep in when I can.

It’s so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one’s head?

So, what I’m trying to say is…
What (What?) I’m trying to tell you is…
Not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause
I know you’ll only change it.

(Say it.)

I’ve been sorting out some things online for a few hours now and telling myself that it’s time to get my ass in gear for at least 30 minutes now. I need to get showered and dressed. Then I’ll pack a FULL bag for the day for Celeste and I, because I’m not entirely certain where we’ll be later tonight or how much stuff I’ll need. Once that stuff is squared away, I’ll do as much housework as I can before I need to leave at 11:30am. Then pick up Celeste and head out for a play date with a good friend and a new friend and their kids.

I practically live out of my car some days (like today) because this metroplex is too damn big. So I bring everything I could imagine needing and just scrounge food whereever I can find some. If I could just have a place to sleep, a place to eat, and a few belongings tucked away in each corner of this GIANT city, life might be a lot easier and involve a lot less driving. Anyone have a spare room? Ha.

Tomorrow’s still up in the air too. I thought about going to church, because I really miss it and the community and family values it fosters. But, I’m not entirely sure that I’m ready to put Celeste in the onsite childcare during the service, and keeping her in the foyer is not really fun for either of us. Regardless, I’m sure there will be swimming involved at some point tomorrow. We have an awesome pool here and Celeste LOVES the water and loves playing in the sand. We could stay there for hours.

The photo in this post is really not related to anything here. Just something fun I took recently that I felt like sharing.

bigger than I am

Nov 27th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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Brian Webb – Bigger Than I Am

Roughly 10 years ago, I caught a disease. A disease of the mind. Something that wiggled it’s ways into the folds of my thought and slowly and persistently injected increasingly invalid thoughts into my brain. Thoughts that cause me to believe that I should be abused. That I should be the guy that always did things for people. That I should be the person who always went out of his way to maintain friendships that were one-sided, failing, distant, or unavailable. That I should be the guy to bear the guilt when relationships didn’t work out or when people didn’t get what they wanted from me in the way that they wanted it.

And slowly but surely it’s led me to have the self-destructive, guilt-ridden thought processes that I have today.

No more.

While there are certainly some abusive, using relationships that I’ve maintained, that is not the bulk of the problem. Thankfully, I hadn’t gotten that bad yet. The majority of my problem centers around my continued support and attempts at development of relationships that are either one-sided, or unavailable.

It’s important to note that I don’t blame these “friends”. They aren’t bad people. In some cases, yes, they were willing to take what I was giving even though they knew they were offering nothing in return. But, it doesn’t make them bad people. In most cases, it’s simply a matter of their time and energy resources being stretched too thin to support me being as close a friend as I had being trying to be. My mind, being broken, refused to let these friendships drift away as they should have. Instead, I pulled harder and made myself even more available. An invitation of any kind from them was seen as a spark and all efforts would be made to accept that invitation. If I accepted it, it often led to the guilt of having to put other things on the back burner. And in the event that I couldn’t accept, I was faced with the guilt of saying “no”.

So it’s time for a change.

this one last mistake

this one last mistake

At this point, this change is very active and prominent in my mind. Unfortunately, having active thoughts about relationships that should be left to drift away is a bit counter productive. The easiest way to fight this is to focus my mind on other things. Here’s how:

  • I’m starting myself on a new schedule that involves less down time and yet more time to reflect on good things. I’ve left lots of room for seeing people I care about, so don’t think you need to avoid me or leave me alone or let me straighten myself out. Quite the contrary, in fact. I’d love to see you, especially in a smaller group or one-on-one.
  • I’m starting or renewing a few projects — some photography, some programming, some physical. I’ll have more details on this in the future. If you’re interested in being in a new photo project and actually have some time available for this in the next 2 – 4 months, please let me know. If you don’t have the time, please don’t waste mine.
  • I’m going to focus on seeing MORE of my friends LESS often. In other words, I intend to spend more quality time with varied people in smaller groups or one-on-one. In the past I’ve sought larger groups as often as possible thinking that such events would allow me to foster MORE friendships. Those friends that weren’t willing to be involved with the larger group or then events planned were seen less often and, because of the group size, intimate, quality time was not spent with those in the group. I hope to get more out of the friendships that I have and require less of each of those relationships by spreading myself more evenly. Additionally, I hope that the true, real, available friendships will be seen more clearly this way.

Don’t think that I’m going away — it’s not like that at all. You may see less of me than you’re used to. If you want more of me in your life, all you have to do is say something. In fact, in many ways for a lot of you, I’ve been pretty distant for the past month or so anyway, so you may not even notice a change.

I feel good about this and I can really use your support. I don’t want you to fix me. I just want you to be there.

and they keep on growing!

Nov 25th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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Celeste will be 11 months old tomorrow. Time is flying by and I feel like I’m missing so much of her life. It’s not that I haven’t been there for nearly every new and interesting moment, it’s just that I lose track of when they happened. For instance, she can climb stairs now. But I can’t remember how old she was the first time she did it. It feels like just a week or two ago, but maybe it was longer.

As far as what I’ve documented online of her life I really have dropped the ball. At the very least my intent was to take a portrait of her once a month. While I’m sure I’ve taken at least one photo of her each month, I didn’t get the portrait I wanted. There just isn’t enough free time. Even though I feel like even that is an excuse.

Regardless of all that, she’s happy, and healthy, and growing so big I can hardly believe it. In case I missed something, here is a list of things she can do now:

  • crawl. very fast.Celeste Kneeling
  • close doors. in my face.
  • climb up stairs. going down, she thinks it’s okay to just jump.
  • pant like a dog. which she learned by mimicking my mom’s dogs.
  • growl like a lion. my personal favorite.
  • cluck like a chicken.
  • baaa like a sheep. though this seems to require all of her concentration and comes out in one quick burst.
  • call the cats (“kitty kitty kitty”). this causes them to run from her even faster.
  • cough on cue.
  • dance. especially when music with a strong beat comes on.
  • pull up on any surface at her eye height or lower.
  • find the volume up button on any remote control within 10 seconds.
  • press previously mentioned volume up button until everyone is out of their seats trying to make it stop.
  • laugh uncontrollably at the above spectacle.
  • climb over almost any obstacle. even if it means walking on her hands and feet instead of knees.
  • feed herself finger foods. usually done by cramming the food and all four fingers into her mouth.
  • slurp spaghetti noodles. I’m a proud dad.
  • drink from a sippy cup without help.
  • say up, all done, more, milk, and food in sign language.
  • give kisses. mouth wide open. lots of drool.
  • crawl all the way across the room just to give kisses.
  • sleep in her own bed in her own room.
  • say dadadada and mumumumum and know which is which. dada is usually used during playtime. mumum is reserved for crying.
  • play guitar. and hand drums. also enjoys using random surfaces for drumming. she takes after her dad.
  • melt my heart over and over again.

I’m a photographer, damn it!

Oct 30th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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Adrienne and Casey (#18)

steaming tea

catalyst

Liam the Photographer

Fog Covered Path

Jet and Emily

Celeste amongst the gourds (#2)

the warm caress of sunset (#2)

a small step

skins: cranberries

I’m a photographer, damn it! And it’s about time I started acting like one.

Sure, I always have a camera with me. I mean always.

Even on busy work days when I know there is no chance I’ll ever even take off the lens cap, I bring a camera with me. Probably a tripod too, just in case.

When the chances of taking photographs are even slightly greater than that, I bring two cameras with me. You know, something quick and easy, and then something more elaborate in case the occasion allows for it. And, just to be safe, I bring a bigger tripod.

If the chances of there being people involved are high, I bring lights as well. And stands. And remote triggers. And modifiers. I keep it all packed in a light bag ready to go, just in case.

Yes. I’m that bad. Really.

Just ask my wife. When we go out of the house — anywhere — I have more bags and equipment to carry than both she and the baby put together.

I take lots of photographs. And I edit lots of photographs. Just look at all the images in this post that I’ve processed recently. I don’t actually take any photographs.

So what’s the problem?

First of all, despite always being prepared, I don’t take nearly as many photographs as I could. Yeah. That’s me. I’m the dumbass lugging around all this gear and doing absolutely nothing with it. I have the time, the knowledge, and the equipment. Yet I don’t use any of it. When I do take photographs, it’s because I actually planned to and not because the moment just struck me.

Secondly, I have no new photography projects that I am currently working on. I have a backlog of unedited images that just don’t seem all that urgent since no one knows they exist but me. I have no new models lined up. I have no new location prospects. I have no new items on my long list of ideas in need of a model, prop, or location.

In other words, the photographs I am taking, while awesome in their own right, aren’t anything new or challenging or experimental or difficult.

It’s just not right.

And I intend to change that.

Starting now.

First of all, I’ll be taking more photos while I’m out and about. Not in that annoying “oh my god if you take one more photo of me with that damn flash in my face I swear I’m going to kick you in the balls” way as Kyro is prone to. More like the “oh my god, why is the paparazzi here? is there someone famous here?” that Jonathan exudes when he does what he does. Except with an added touch of “why is he taking a picture of THAT?” and “oh my god that photographer is HOOOOOOOOT” and “please, Mr. Photographer, take my picture have let me have 10,000 of your babies”.

Second of all, I’m detailing some new projects to work on and I’ll be revisiting some old projects. Many of them will require models. By models I mean YOU.

It’s difficult to use a model for a project that I’m not already comfortable working with. So, volunteer. Right now. Right this second. Tell me you’re interested in being in one of my projects and let’s set up a time to do a quick session and get to know eachother. Or if you have a project idea of your own, let’s hear it. Now. Don’t wait.

Finally, I’ll be making a more directed attempt at visiting new places that are photographically interesting and scouting new locations for photo sessions. If you like driving around aimlessly, standing in for test shots, and causing trouble with the locals, then you certainly want to come along with me. So say something. Now.

Stay tuned. You won’t want to miss this.

DITL: a few candid portraits

Sep 26th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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Last Friday was a DITL day. I started out with good intentions but, in the end, only really took two photos worth looking at. So, here they are.

Daniel – 11032 days old
Daniel - 11032 days old

Celeste – 269 days old
Celeste - 269 days old

There’s another DITL day tomorrow (Saturday, Sep 27th). I hope I can take a few more photos and do one like I did back in January.

me, right now

Sep 18th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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Meme: Take a picture of yourself right now. Don’t change your clothes. Don’t fix your hair. Just take a picture. Post that picture with no editing. Post these instructions with your picture.

me, right now

Up early, unshowered, started work too soon, messy desk filled with computer crap behind me on one side. Messy shelving filled with camera gear behind me on the other side. This is me.

stagnant

Jul 30th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
7 comments

I feel like I need to keep writing, even when I don’t know what result I’m seeking. I have nothing to explain, because I don’t even understand it myself. I have nothing to share because I feel as though with each passing day I get closer and closer to a complete stop. Stagnant. I have nothing to gain. I have nothing to prove. Yet I feel like if I don’t make some sort of noise — some scream in the dark — I’ll go unheard, unseen, unfound. And then I’ll be as good as gone.

drowning

Somewhere at the bottom of all this I know that I do have something to share, something for others to be excited about, something to proclaim, something people will remember. I just can’t seem to find it. And I feel like if I don’t get there soon, I’ll lose my chance. So I’m panicking.

Even though most days pass without any sort of mentioned or noticeable change in my physical or emotional life I know that something is changing — something is moving. Not because I feel it, but because I remember what has happened. It’s like this:

12 years ago I lived on coffee, cigarettes, and whatever food happened to pass in front of me when I had time for it. Slowly, second by second, in the most invisible way possible, I grew insecure, distrusting, fat, and afraid. I didn’t notice any of this happening, I just woke up one day and realized it. I was 15 pounds heavier than I should be. Most of my friends were abusive users. I tried to clean it up. I straightened everything out. I got back on the right track and moved on with life. Then I woke up one day realized it again. I was now 30 pounds heavier than I should be. While I had friendships, I hadn’t really let myself get very close to any of them. I was ignoring my wife. I was disappointed in myself in a regular basis. I was severely unhappy and all the money and time in the world wouldn’t fix it. I hadn’t challenged myself in so long. I had become stagnant. I had become complacent.

Only this time it wasn’t the past. It isn’t the past. It’s me. The present. Now. Right now. That is what I am. Fat, and stagnant, and lonely. And drowning in it all.

releasing concern

Jul 10th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

a single thoughtThere’s a small, growing, unnamed peace that can be found in releasing concern. I was tempted to use say “that can be found in not caring”, but there is a difference. That subtle difference is what leads allows this to lead to peace instead of frustration. The Buddhists definitely have something there.

Last night I wanted to go for a walk in one of my favorite parks and make photographs under the storm clouds. Unfortunately the storm clouds began to rain and I was reluctant to even leave my hotel. With a few deep breaths I just let it go. I packed what I needed into my bag and headed out. I walked in the rain with my bag slung over my shoulder. My camera was in a cumbersome bag meant to protect it from water. Despite being difficult to use, I made a choice to not concern myself with the difficulty. I had to keep clearing the lens port of rain drops, my face was dripping into my eyes, my bag was soaked, my shirt was sticking to my chest, and I just didn’t care. I laughed. I damn near fell in the lake more than once. I said “hello” to the few people out walking in the rain. I loved every second of it.

There’s a big part of me that worries about everything and everyone. I spend so much time worrying that I forget to enjoy myself. I’m proud of myself that I am thoughtful, that I plan things through, that I consider others, that I worry about people. That makes me who I am and I wouldn’t change that. But, I need to learn to loosen up a bit too or all the planning and worrying will never lead to anything I can enjoy.

So that’s it. My big lesson of the day, founded, forged, and tested all in an evening under a rain cloud.

I wish Jet or Morgan could have been there. Of all the people I cherish in my life, I can think of no one that would have appreciated it more than them, and no one that I would have rather spent it with.

into Vermont

Jul 5th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
5 comments

bigger than I amThe trip to Vermont went well. Two stops for feedings (one which included ice cream for Jess and I), and we still made it in about 5 hours.

There was lots of family waiting for us when we got there. Had a great dinner and good times. Then settled in at my brother’s place, made a late night trip to the Laundromat, and then called it a night.

This morning, I’m up for coffee and photo editing in downtown Burlington. Later today we’ll all go out exploring.

Even though they didn’t say it out loud, their faces spoke loudly enough. They didn’t approve and they didn’t think she should go through with this. But it was far too late now. Her eyes were wide, her hair wet with sweat, and she was all alone in this room. She was having Holiday. She would be a good mother. And she was never speaking to her family again.

– OneWord // HOLIDAY

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