revjim.net

relationships

Cleanse Progress

Aug 15th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

Body

I went 48 hours without solid food. Then I starting eating one meal a day testing both my food addiction and my potential food allergies. I had to stop the “toxin flush” portion of the cleanse because it made getting to work in the morning absolutely impossible since I needed to spend about 2 hours each morning within 2 minutes of a bathroom. Not fun.

The toxin flush, though shorter than intended, was not without benefit. I feel refreshed, I have a better understanding of what goes in and out of my body, and I am most certainly cleaner. Furthermore, I highly recommend it.

The rest of the body cleanse involves making mental changes to produce a cleaner, healthier body. I’ve started strength training regularly. I’m practicing Yoga with intent. I’ve added more aerobic exercise to every day. My arms, and thighs, and abs haven’t been this sore in a very long time. I’m eating less calories and the calories that I do eat are even healthier than before. I’ve also given myself some outs so that it doesn’t feel like such a social shock to make myself better.

You don’t really realize how out of shape you are (weight aside) until you try to perform sustained exercise. (For instance: try holding your back straight and supporting yourself by your forearms and toes only — like a push up, but without moving — for 30-60 seconds without a break.) I had always assumed that all the walking and hiking I did was enough. It’s a good start, sure. But it’s not enough.

# I look good today. And I feel good too. Even if WiiFit did call me fat this morning. My body image is getting better. I know I’m overweight. I am doing something about it. I’m happy with my progress. I haven’t been able to say that in a long time.

And, yeah, # “I eat now“. This means that dinner invitations are both open and sought after once again. In fact, # last night’s dinner was awesome: Lemon pork tenderloin, quinoa, and a bean salad with lemon dressing.

Mind and Soul

Progress here has been slow and painful.

# I’ll make sense of this. Step by step, I’ll figure it out. One by one, I’ll cut off what needs to go and cherish what is left.

I’ve been spending a lot of time digging through my relationships. It’s not something anyone wants to do. In fact, most people don’t even like to talk about it because it just sounds cold and calculated. Maybe it is. Some people are able to just concentrate on the good and let the bad fall off the bottom. I don’t work like that. I have to clear the bad away and allow myself to stop worrying about it before I can free myself up to even see the good. So that means going through every relationship that causes me any pain. First I try to decide if I’ve been taking something personally that really wasn’t. Then I consider if I would have acted the same way in a similar situation. Then, finally, I look at what benefit that relationship brings me.

In the end, I don’t even have to make a decision. It just makes itself. Just giving myself the time and necessity to think about it is enough.

I’ve started rearranging my life and taking ownership of my problems. For too long I’ve been counting on other people to do their part and pitch in and it just doesn’t work. So, I’m taking ownership of it all. I’m giving plenty of opportunity and lots of warning. Then I’m moving on even if they can’t keep up. I am responsible for me.

# I’m an advocate of happiness, meaningful connections, and intimacy. There’s little to no reason to have anything else. And the improved, cleaner me will strive for that. I’ve managed to release myself from one very difficult unrewarding relationship and several other smaller ones. I feel lighter. I feel less frustrated. I’ve been able to sit and enjoy time with my wife and daughter without worrying about a hundred other little things.

sorting out christmas lights

Aug 11th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
6 comments

I’ve taken a hard look at all of relationships I have that I consider important or meaningful. I try to live without expectations of others but, over time, they build themselves up. I believe that I good chunk of my current frustrations is due to these unmet expectations. A good friend of mine put it best. I’d like to quote her in full, because I can’t find a single word worth leaving out.

It’s hard not to have expectations of people, but it’s also an easy path to frustration. The simulated version of our friends that we have our heads will never equate the flesh-and-blood versions who are unpredictable and selfish. I mean selfish in a non-negative way– it’s just a human condition. Each of us only sees the world through our own eyes and have our own interpretations. Sometimes we connect, sometimes we don’t. But we all have our own lives that nobody else will ever fully understand. Not our spouses, not our parents, not our children. Truly, we are all alone. No one will ever understand us fully. But that just makes the connections we have all the more important and beautiful– something precious. Something to strive for, but as much as possible without expectation, because that pressure can distort it.

The difficult part is in the last sentence, “as much as possible without expectation”. First of all, expectations are a necessity. At least in the greater, general society. It is unfortunate that everyone does not give freely of themselves without expectation. However, like the Prisoner’s Dilemma, if everyone does not subscribe, then those who do are taken advantage of. Or, more specifically, I feel taken advantage of. The important thing here is not to get rid of expectations, but to set them at something reasonable. I believe that, perhaps, my expectations are unreasonable.

What I need to sort out is what parts of me I’m willing to give freely to anyone who will take them and what parts of me I require reciprocation for in order to feel good about giving. Just knowing this will help me make sure I don’t get into situations that will make me feel bad.

I also need to sort out which relationships I have that don’t seem to be offering much of what I want. Several of the relationships that I put a lot of myself in to are with people who simply don’t want that kind of relationship with me or are mostly unavailable for anything beyond a very basic relationship. Truly understanding that this is the case and that I should no longer pour myself into such relationships will free me up a lot and reduce frustration.

As a counter-idea to all of this, another good friend of mine said, simply, “I don’t think I could do what you’re doing. It just seems like it would highlight the negatives and bring me down. Why not just focus on the good?”. I just feel that there is so much bad that I have a hard time even seeing the good. So I feel like if I clear the bad away, the good will be more apparent. But maybe she’s right. Maybe another approach is in order. Or, at the very least, a little bit of both.

Still a lot of work to do up here. Your friendship and support really mean a lot. Outside of that all I need is some more time, more distractions, and all the intimacy I can find.