revjim.net

road trip

Texas Coast, Day I

Fuel for Paranoia

It would be an understatement to say that I am generally paranoid. I spent most of yesterday morning packing for my trip and contemplating whether I should just call the whole thing off and stay in Dallas in case something happened or I was needed in some way.

About 2 hours after we hit the road, Jess called to tell me she’d been in a car accident with the baby in the car. Thankfully, everyone is okay. I’ll keep asking to make sure and worrying about it the time I’m travelling because that’s what I do, but I’m so very glad that everyone is okay. But stuff like this doesn’t help to calm my paranoia. Working it out helps, though.

There’s no way my presence in Dallas would have prevented that accident or any of potential consequences that may follow. It would have likely happened just as it did. The only difference I might have made was in how the situation was cared for afterwards. But Jess is handling it well and calls whenever she has questions or wants an opinion, so that’s good. It makes me feel like she is taking care of everything and that if something needs my attention or if a problem arises she will let me know. As long as I can hold onto that and trust in that, then there is no reason to worry about anything.

I hope working it out is enough to help me let it go.

So that’s that. Enough said.

A Bad Feeling

I’m also starting to see signs that, once again, my intuition can be trusted. This is very good.

Recently (now there’s a vague time word for you), I got a bad feeling about some aspects of some relationships in my life. Yesterday, while I’m fairly sure everything will be just fine in the end, I had a tiny scare that started a zygote of an idea which blossomed into full blown panic. It made me realize that sometimes the risk isn’t worth the payoff and that when my intution is telling me that it might not be, instant gratification is not always the best long term solution.

I continually seek comfort and communion with others and I’m okay with that. I think that’s part of what society is suppossed to provide us with. However, I seem to be seeking it in the wrong places; places that end up leaving me feeling less comfortable and less cared for and more alone. I think, in part, this is due to issues I have with vulnerability. I desire to be close to others but I shy away from the vulnerabilty that generally comes with that. So, instead, I seek action and responses that indicate familiarity and, eventually, comfort, but do so without that initial act of vulnerability. This rarely leads to the response I want which only increases frustration. I’m working on figuring this out. But in the mean time I find myself feeling frustrated and alone in the relationships that I do reach out in. So, while I work on things from this end, I’m hopeful that I find a friendship that will work with me from the other side. It’s not really something you can ask for though. It just has to happen, I guess.

SPOON!

Oh yeah. So, the part of the trip that happned outside of my head. We made it to the hotel around 6:30pm and wanted to get to Stubb’s (the venue Spoon was playing at) by 7pm, so not a whole lot happened before that other than driving and good conversation.

discarded memories

discarded memories

The walk from the hotel to the venue was nice though. I miss walking with a purpose. Celeste and I go on walks often, but the final destination is just back home and the walk, while fun, is mostly purposeless. It’s nice to walk with a purpose. I brought the small point and shoot camera and took a few photos here and there.

The concert was great, despite some technical difficulties. Spoon puts on a good show and when they perform they are just as tight and together as they are on their albums. The sounds was spot on and the bass was just enough to let you really feel the music. Outdoor venues, even in the heat of the Texas summer, are by far my favorite places to see live music.

10 long days

At the end of this month my ex-inlaws are driving down from Canada to visit with Celeste and Jess. They are staying for 10 days and, of course, they want to see Celeste as much as possible which means, ideally, all 10 days. This is understandable and wonderful and all of those other good words. And I, of course, want them to be as big a part of Celeste’s life as possible. And I want Celeste to spend as much time with them as she can get.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, too. 10 days is such a long time.

I’m not officially on bad terms with them or anything. In fact, we converse as much now as we did when Jess and I were together. Maybe more. But I also didn’t catch even a hint of an invitation from Jess to come over for dinner one or twice throughout the 10 days.

On the one hand I know 10 days is going to be rough. Very rough. Because I’m just that way. I feel all the important feelings with intense amplification. So I’m inclined to distract myself as heavily as possible: ROAD TRIP. Or debauchery. But a Road Trip is more likely.

On the other hand, on the off chance that something should happen I’d like to be around. Not anything bad. I know she’s in good hands with Jess and even more so with her parents around. And my parents and many of my friends would be happy to step in if something should happen and assistance were needed. I’m not worried at all in that regard. But… if Celeste should ask for me I’d like to be reachable by phone. Or if Jess should decide to give me a night or invite me to dinner on whim, if I’m not around then I’ll feel guilty for not being there. Not because I should feel guilty but because that’s just how I am.

So I’m thinking, whatever I do, I’ll try to get it done in the first 4 to 6 days. That’ll leave me with 4 to 6 more days to recover, get some stuff done around the house, engage in debauchery, and be available just in case.

It looks like the Texas Gulf Coast is the destination of choice. That’s way exciting for me. Believe it or not, I’ve never been.

looking for adventure

I had originally planned on taking a road trip out to Atlanta this coming weekend. Just get in the car Friday morning and not look back until Monday. But, as one thing leads to another, it looks like that’s just not going to happen. Not because I can’t, but simply because I don’t think it’s for the best right now.

But… I’m still doing something. It’s been far too long since I spent a weekend focused on Photography. So that’s the goal.

So, these are my options. While I may sound sarcastic and downplaying of each of these, I really am quite excited to do any or all of them.

  • Still go to Atlanta… Atlanta, TEXAS, that is. It was, after all, named after Atlanta, Georgia, so I’m sure it’s almost the same as the real thing. Once the destination is reached, just go where the photos take me. Possible sights include Atlanta State Park, Caddo Lake, Jefferson, and Daingerfield (one of my favorite state parks).
  • Visit Shreveport, Louisiana. Spend the day photographing urban decay (like Mike Rosebery does), spend the evening playing craps at some stinky casino.
  • Drive down to Austin and stop by Hippie Hollow to go skinny dipping for the first time ever, arguably legally.  Then spend the evening photographing Austin sights and night life. Probably visit Hamilton Pool as well.
  • See how many Texas towns within 4 hours of my house with stolen/borrowed names I can visit in the course of a weekend. Palestine, Italy, Oakland, Athens, Buffalo, and Eureka, are just a few candidates on a very long list.

Who among you will bring your sense of adventure and join me? I promise as much fun, danger, excitement, and expression as you put into it — which really is saying I promise nothing.

lessons learned

I need a love to help me find my way
I need a strength that I cannot betray
I need a word to say what I can’t say
I need a lover

-Cherry / The Smashing Pumpkins

It really hard to sum up a weekend like this in a word or two. I’m inclined to say “it was a good weekend” but there’s really so much more than that.

I’m at a time right now where “loneliness” is the overwhelming feeling. I feel alone, and important, and, at times, betrayed. It doesn’t feel good. In a time like this, two days alone on the road isn’t exactly a good idea. It’s not exactly a bad idea either, though.

So there it is.

The drive was nice. The weather was chilly, but also nice. Two of the four state parks I visited were nothing short of breath taking. I can still close my eyes and feel both in awe and at peace. The other two were quite nice as well. I read quite a bit, which I enjoyed. True, raw bits of nature really excite me. As does exploring new places and new things. I only wish I had someone to share it with.

In all of my time spent driving and walking and thinking — always thinking — I did learn a few things, which I guess makes it all worthwhile in the end.

#1. I am responsible for my own happiness. As much as I’d like to be able to lean on my friends, my family, and my wife for happiness, when all else fails, I’m still left with myself. I am my own last resort.

#2. I am responsible for no one other than myself, the child I brought into this world, and any commitments I have made until they are either fulfilled or broken by someone else.

#3. While there are plenty of things (friends, sex, drugs) in this world that can make me feel better, relying on them will only lead to absolute breakdown when they are unavailable when I need them most.

Road Trip this weekend?

Who wants to go on a Road Trip this weekend? We’d leave Friday afternoon or early Saturday morning and head back Sunday or Monday evening. Hotel, gas, photography equipment and park admission is already covered.

If you follow me on Twitter (as you very well should) you may have witnessed my consideration of making an impromptu Road Trip last Saturday morning. Well, those thoughts have not subsided. Maybe I’ll have better luck if I start thinking about it now, two days earlier.

I’d like to visit the Lost Maples State Natural Area. I’ve been talking about doing this for several years now and simply never have. The point of the trip is to see and photograph the leaves changing colors as it features a large, isolated stand of uncommon Uvalde Bigtooth Maple. According to the 2008 Foliage Color Change Report, last weekend was probably a better weekend to visit. A lot of the Maples have dropped their leaves thanks to the wind. On the good side, the Red Oaks are starting to change.

Of course that’s only the purpose, because it helps to aim your car in some direction if you have a purpose. The best part about Road Trips is what happens in all the unplanned parts, and how your plans twist into something even better than originally planned. I love Road Trips.

If I leave Friday night I figure I’ll stop off in Austin or San Antonio for the evening then head out again the next morning. If I leave Saturday morning, I’ll just head straight there. If I leave by 6am I should be there in time for a nice look around before sunset. For the return trip I’m planning to leave around noon. Leaving on Monday just gives me one extra day and can always be decided upon at the last minute.

If I do the Saturday through Sunday trip, I’ll have just enough time for a little hike and then a sunset. Then do a sunrise, and then have another little hike. Then head home. From sunset to sunrise I’ll bum around Kerrville, look for diners, decaying buildings, and things that would make for interesting night photography. I might also sleep. Maybe.

Of course if I do the Friday through Monday trip, I’ve got a lot more time. I can goof off in Austin or San Antonio Friday night. Take my time getting out to Lost Maples Saturday morning. And I’ll have a whole extra day for exploring or allowing for alternate impromptu plans.

I will get up pretty damn early regardless of where we are or how our plans change only because I really like sunrises. You’re welcome to sleep in the hotel room, car, field, barn, boat house, or whereever it was we ended up the night before if you’d prefer not to get up early. I won’t let the pigs nibble your ears too much.

So.. who’s in? Three people (plus myself) is about the maximum group size to make it fun and dynamic. I do pretty well by myself, but I’d much rather have someone with me.

Let me know SOON, because I need to book hotels and/or find couches to crash on in Austin/San Antonio and Kerrville.